Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a blame-your-parents-for-everything movement in the internet. It's trendy to call parents "emotionally immature", "neglectful", etc.

People keep forgetting that parents weren't born adults, they are the product of their upbringing. If you question their parenting, wait till you become a parent of your own teen.

Becoming a parent myself is what made me question my own upbringing. I realized that I sincerely love my daughter. I find her antics mostly adorable. My natural instinct when she’s upset or hurt is to comfort her rather than dismiss it. It was a lighting bulb to realize “oh, this is how parents are supposed to feel about their children? It’s not just a common universal experience that children are annoying and anything that requires you pay attention to them is worth being punished?”

My mom could easily have written the OP, though.

I may be wrong, but from your post I get the idea that your child (children?) is young. Probably early elementary at the most.

Anonymous wrote:I had a very good relationship with my daughter until she was around 16. Suddenly, around 17, she began to detest me, but she could never articulate any reasons (i.e. no abuse - physical, mental, narcissism, etc.). Both my husband and I have always loved her tremendously, provided for her, cheered her on at all her games and activities, and allowed her to pursue her own dreams. She is 19 now and she is at the point, where she wants nothing to do with her family (but me in particular). She told me that she cannot even stand to look at me and that I am pathetic. Her therapist had once told me that it is really an issue that is more about her than me. However, it's just been so painful and I just don't understand what is going on. She blames me for everything that went wrong in her life. She also says that she's upset that I didn't put a lot of pressure on her growing up (which I purposely tried not to do because I hated having so much pressure when I was growing up). From the outside, she looks like she has it all (she was a good student, got into all her top choices for college, had wonderful friends and was very pleasant around everyone - except me). Anyways, just wondering if others can relate? If so, did things get better? And how?

My DS18 is going through this.

It's still going on but it gets better when I ask why he thinks the things he does rather than simply being hurt by it. Instead of saying "it's unkind to call me pathetic," I would ask him why he thinks that.

It also got better when I put my parenting decisions in context for him. I described (without defending) why I made some of the choices that I did. I took ownership of where I went wrong or could have been better. I do have anxiety and DS does have ADHD, and we both have admitted that it's not a great combo for parenting. We've talked about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can relate to your posts. And your pain.

My daughter has zero appreciation for my strengths as a parent, and dwells upon minor fights we had years ago (nothing physical of course, and no screaming, just normal parent-child disagreements. Like over cell phone use).

I walk on eggshells, because when they are older you only see them at the kid’s discretion. We talk every few weeks and see each other every few months. Now that she has a boyfriend, her time is very limited. You take what you can get. But I envy parents with kids who are warm and considerate.

My mom might say this and my response is - she should have been warm and considerate. She chose to be selfish and spiteful to me but expected me to be sweet loving and warm.

Everyone is not your Mom.

Get help.

Anonymous wrote:I was the same from 16-18, I was going through a lot after a traumatic event and my parents dismissed it and let me know it was nothing important. I was angry alot and put the anger onto them, even though deep down I was a polite girl and did not want to cause her a hard time. She called the cops on me multiple times and did not understand why I was acting out and attacked me for it so that made me resent her but we have a normal relationship now. Give her space, she might be going through something.

To add, she said that no one would ever love me when I said I wanted to move out and that I deserved to be in an abusive marriage, your not my daughter, among other things. She usually would say pretty harsh stuff and I was used to it but during that time I internalized it because I already felt worthless after the event so it really hurt me and made me push her away. It seems like you are a good mom and understand her though.

Anonymous wrote:I can relate to your posts. And your pain.

My daughter has zero appreciation for my strengths as a parent, and dwells upon minor fights we had years ago (nothing physical of course, and no screaming, just normal parent-child disagreements. Like over cell phone use).

I walk on eggshells, because when they are older you only see them at the kid’s discretion. We talk every few weeks and see each other every few months. Now that she has a boyfriend, her time is very limited. You take what you can get. But I envy parents with kids who are warm and considerate.

My mom might say this and my response is - she should have been warm and considerate. She chose to be selfish and spiteful to me but expected me to be sweet loving and warm.

My mom really started to lash out after I graduated from college and started doing my own thing - working, moving for a job, going to grad school. Says ng awful things like "if you leave, never come back "

I took her literally and never got over it, while she seemed to forget she said all those things.

I was the same from 16-18, I was going through a lot after a traumatic event and my parents dismissed it and let me know it was nothing important. I was angry alot and put the anger onto them, even though deep down I was a polite girl and did not want to cause her a hard time. She called the cops on me multiple times and did not understand why I was acting out and attacked me for it so that made me resent her but we have a normal relationship now. Give her space, she might be going through something.

As a mom, you will always drive the relationship. Keep trying, keep loving her. When I went through the normal adolescent cycle, my mom decided to be mean me. Fast forward to 50 and I still don't like her very much. She's still mean to me.

Anonymous wrote:"No contact" is trendy, op. Gen Z is a terribly obnoxious generation.

This is a different thread, but I don't think it's a trend and it may not have even increased. I just think there is much less shame in being open about it. My husband and I both had plenty of estrangements on both sides our families. It was just rarely discussed and sometimes euphemisms were used to explain it. Before plane travel became so common, you just moved very far away and the excuse was you were too far away to travel.

There is usually a reason and it is usually not suddenly.

Reflect on yourself some OP, it very likely could be you.

"No contact" is trendy, op. Gen Z is a terribly obnoxious generation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a blame-your-parents-for-everything movement in the internet. It's trendy to call parents "emotionally immature", "neglectful", etc.

People keep forgetting that parents weren't born adults, they are the product of their upbringing. If you question their parenting, wait till you become a parent of your own teen.

Becoming a parent myself is what made me question my own upbringing. I realized that I sincerely love my daughter. I find her antics mostly adorable. My natural instinct when she’s upset or hurt is to comfort her rather than dismiss it. It was a lighting bulb to realize “oh, this is how parents are supposed to feel about their children? It’s not just a common universal experience that children are annoying and anything that requires you pay attention to them is worth being punished?”

I can relate. Becoming a parent made me wonder how my mother could rage at us and say such terrible things and not feel remorse. It made me wonder how she could think it was appropriate to dump all her emotional issues on me and make me her confidant from the age of 3 or 4. There were so many things I wondered about, yet I still pretended to adore her and wanted to keep the peace desperately. It wasn't until one of my children became ill and I developed my own serious health issues that I had to distance because she was raging so much over the fact I wasn't doing enough for HER and telling me how selfish I was despite knowing what I had going on. I regretted not protecting both my children from her.

Side note...if you met her when she was a little younger, before she lost more of her filter and started showing the dark side to others, you would think she charming, funny, empathetic, loving and everything a daughter would ever want in a mother. I would often hear "I just looooooove your mom. You are so lucky." She often told stories to make herself out to be a saint. That all just made me feel worse, like I definitely deserved it all. Keep in mind I only occasionally rebelled-far less than a typical teenager. Mostly I was a people-pleaser and she kept raising the bar.

Is this a daughter thing?

Sometimes you have to accept the situation and move on. Like many people have said, when they become a parent, they will finally get what parenting is about and how hard it is. Hopefully, then you can work out some kind of relationship. In my case, I'll be dead by then since I am an older parent. I decided to let go and I don't regret my decision. I don't need confrontational, disrespectful, mean behavior and the stress that goes along with dealing with an angry child. My DD has been to therapy, doesn't want to take meds, and knows she can start her meds and therapy again, she won't. I'm done.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a blame-your-parents-for-everything movement in the internet. It's trendy to call parents "emotionally immature", "neglectful", etc.

People keep forgetting that parents weren't born adults, they are the product of their upbringing. If you question their parenting, wait till you become a parent of your own teen.

Becoming a parent myself is what made me question my own upbringing. I realized that I sincerely love my daughter. I find her antics mostly adorable. My natural instinct when she’s upset or hurt is to comfort her rather than dismiss it. It was a lighting bulb to realize “oh, this is how parents are supposed to feel about their children? It’s not just a common universal experience that children are annoying and anything that requires you pay attention to them is worth being punished?”

My mom could easily have written the OP, though.

How old is your child?