Anonymous
Post 03/12/2025 14:15     Subject: Re:Bed without dinner
Anonymous wrote:I don’t get it. You each spoke to her calmly, but issued the ultimatum, “eat now or not at all”? That doesn’t sound like deescalation. Next time, tell her to take the time that she needs to calm down and that there will be a plate waiting for her when she’s ready. Just fix her a plate and stick it in the fridge. You can still go ahead and clean up the kitchen. Kids need food; don’t withhold it as a punishment.


I like this solution. Although it would need to be eaten before bedtime, and I would have her clean up after herself.

And I don’t think they necessarily withheld the food as punishment, it’s also good to have boundaries around mealtimes because they require a lot of work from the adults. For toddlers, it’s suggested you use DOR (division or responsibility): parents decide what is served, when, where. Kids decide what they’ll eat and how much. We set these rules for our preschoolers & early elementary school children still.
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2025 14:07     Subject: Bed without dinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Food was available. The child didn't eat it. The child became hungry later. Sounds like an excellent lesson in the consequences of having an attitude and not doing what you're supposed to do at the time you're supposed to do it. Meals have fairly set time windows at our house too, unless someone is sick or there's an unexpected situation.


Yes and no. Sounds like OP said to her kid that she could come to eat dinner time or not eat. Child was upset. Maybe she couldn’t calm herself and maybe she didn’t want to eat with the family. If dinner time is set at 6:30-7pm is it really so bad to just say Eat by 8pm or don’t eat because bedtime is 8:30? Forcing an upset person to eat with everyone in a time window (yes with repeated reminder) doesn’t seem fair at that age.


You're suggesting what you didn’t agree with. Setting a time window for eating.
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2025 13:59     Subject: Bed without dinner
Anonymous wrote:The issue here is that the child was upset. The parents did a bad job because they tried to force their child to not be upset by using dinner. I’ve learned this the hard way with my kids too but you can’t just force kids to not be upset. Tying dinner to it was a very bad idea. Imagine as a grown up if you weren’t allowed to eat because you were upset at the wrong moment. Bad job by the parents. Let her be upset. If she’s missing dinner every night that’s a different thing then you can reevaluate all the routines and things in place that may help, but if it’s just one off you can just give her space. Don’t try to exert maximum control at the moment when it’s most difficult and frankly isn’t even necessary.


The parents gave her plenty of space to be upset. What they didn’t do is give manipulative behavior a blank check. They each approached her calmly, tried to de-escalate and were met with performative anger at every turn. She had three chances to eat dinner before she decided to make a show of brushing her teeth. Everyone loses their temper from time to time but 9 years old is old enough to learn that sometimes you have to live with your own poor choices.
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2025 11:53     Subject: Re:Bed without dinner
I think the mistake was repeatedly talking to her and reminding her. If you are setting a rule (Eat by 8pm or don’t eat) then that’s it. Prodding her again and again just sets things up to engage in the power struggle. I also think it was unfair to force her to eat at the table during dinner when she could have eaten the same food alone afterward but that is my opinion. I don’t agree with people who said she should be able to eat a sandwich.
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2025 11:51     Subject: Bed without dinner
Anonymous wrote:Food was available. The child didn't eat it. The child became hungry later. Sounds like an excellent lesson in the consequences of having an attitude and not doing what you're supposed to do at the time you're supposed to do it. Meals have fairly set time windows at our house too, unless someone is sick or there's an unexpected situation.


Yes and no. Sounds like OP said to her kid that she could come to eat dinner time or not eat. Child was upset. Maybe she couldn’t calm herself and maybe she didn’t want to eat with the family. If dinner time is set at 6:30-7pm is it really so bad to just say Eat by 8pm or don’t eat because bedtime is 8:30? Forcing an upset person to eat with everyone in a time window (yes with repeated reminder) doesn’t seem fair at that age.
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2025 11:06     Subject: Bed without dinner
Food was available. The child didn't eat it. The child became hungry later. Sounds like an excellent lesson in the consequences of having an attitude and not doing what you're supposed to do at the time you're supposed to do it. Meals have fairly set time windows at our house too, unless someone is sick or there's an unexpected situation.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2025 22:20     Subject: Bed without dinner
I would let her eat if she's hungry.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2025 21:37     Subject: Bed without dinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Y’all are weirdos. Food should never be punishment.

“Your plate is in the fridge when you decide to eat. Remember you need to eat by 8:30 since bedtime is 9.”

And then leave her alone.


How is this any different? What if she says at 9:05 she’s no longer sad and wants to eat? Do they hold the boundary then?
I don’t think their response is unreasonable given their child didn’t seem really upset, more so trying to push the boundary the parent was setting. Mentioning CPS?! WTF.
We have 1 dinner time in our house and we do close the kitchen after this. Our kids are also little and help minimally with cleanup, bedtime. If we were catering like this to our kids when they chose because they had arguments with their siblings, everyone would be upset.


It eliminates the power struggle. You say your kids are little - mine are 13 and 15. I can say that my worst parenting moments were over stupid power struggles when they were young (just like this), and holding the line on something that did not matter in the long run because I said so.


But letting my child determine what time they want to eat dinner (after an acceptable window and we have moved onto bedtime) would matter to my family (maybe not OPs).
Would you also let your child determine what time they got to school and you got to work if they didn’t want to eat breakfast?
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2025 16:48     Subject: Bed without dinner
Anonymous wrote:Y’all are weirdos. Food should never be punishment.

“Your plate is in the fridge when you decide to eat. Remember you need to eat by 8:30 since bedtime is 9.”

And then leave her alone.


That’s literally what the op did. Food was available until a certain time. Kid refused to eat it until 5 min after the time passed.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2025 16:17     Subject: Bed without dinner
Our kids eat what we cook or don't eat. There choice.

So in this case there plate would be put in the refrigerator after dinner time and if he then wanted to eat he could get it from refrigerator and heat in microwave and eat at the table by himself. No getting something different or eating in the living room.
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2025 12:21     Subject: Bed without dinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Y’all are weirdos. Food should never be punishment.

“Your plate is in the fridge when you decide to eat. Remember you need to eat by 8:30 since bedtime is 9.”

And then leave her alone.


How is this any different? What if she says at 9:05 she’s no longer sad and wants to eat? Do they hold the boundary then?
I don’t think their response is unreasonable given their child didn’t seem really upset, more so trying to push the boundary the parent was setting. Mentioning CPS?! WTF.
We have 1 dinner time in our house and we do close the kitchen after this. Our kids are also little and help minimally with cleanup, bedtime. If we were catering like this to our kids when they chose because they had arguments with their siblings, everyone would be upset.


It eliminates the power struggle. You say your kids are little - mine are 13 and 15. I can say that my worst parenting moments were over stupid power struggles when they were young (just like this), and holding the line on something that did not matter in the long run because I said so.
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2025 10:03     Subject: Bed without dinner
Dinner/ food is energy for nourishment. Children's need energy. This is a power struggle you are engaged in and it's not healthy to have food be a part of it. Separate the two. If my child doesn't want to eat dinner I plate his food and dinner sits on the table. He has to join us, but he can choose to not eat. I don't throw his food awa and he will come over and eat when he's hungry. Giving your child bread and butter instead of the nourshing dinner made no sense.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2025 00:09     Subject: Re:Bed without dinner
Anonymous wrote:What is your objection to her eating after dinner time, when she’s ready?


+1
Sounds like you are punishing her with food. That will only cause mental health problems later. That said it was the tool for many generations, which is probably why we are all so fat and have mental health problems as a society.