Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dig harder. The new job likely came with a shiny new coworker and suddenly everything else looks like old news.

+++ He may not be having an affair but he has his eye on someone else.

I'm positive he is having an emotional affair. Likely a physical one as well.

Then why won’t he just leave me? I’ve literally given him a chance to just come clean and move on. It would have to be better than this.

If he doesn’t love me, he doesn’t love me. I don’t get him treating his own children this way.

Men often do this, OP. Therapy w my cheating ex went similarly. Lawyer up and stop ceding all of your power to him. Do you work?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give him a break. Maybe he overdid it and now has nothing left to give plus midlife crisis.
The kids should be older; time for some independence.
My ex overdid it, but it was his choice and he had similar upbringing. He expected it from me also, but I could never measure up according to him. We are from very different cultures. Mine is all about independence and his is all about family.
As he pushed me aside as useless, I just left. He fell apart soon after. I guess family wasn't enough. Balance would have been nice.
Something wrong with his brain was also one of our thoughts at the end. Coroner said nothing about it though.

My kids are 4, 7 & 9. They need their dad. I can manage. They need two living attentive parents.

Stop focusing on ideals and things/people that you can’t control, OP. Waste of time and energy and just traumatized kids more.

Yes why do you think they need him OP? One loving attentive parent is usually enough to provide a good outcome, but curious if there are relationship dynamics or behavior you’ve observed or logistics?

(From someone who has been there, done that, and got the t-shirt)

He could have a brain tumor. I am serious. He also could realize you two can’t afford a diciecr

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give him a break. Maybe he overdid it and now has nothing left to give plus midlife crisis.
The kids should be older; time for some independence.
My ex overdid it, but it was his choice and he had similar upbringing. He expected it from me also, but I could never measure up according to him. We are from very different cultures. Mine is all about independence and his is all about family.
As he pushed me aside as useless, I just left. He fell apart soon after. I guess family wasn't enough. Balance would have been nice.
Something wrong with his brain was also one of our thoughts at the end. Coroner said nothing about it though.

My kids are 4, 7 & 9. They need their dad. I can manage. They need two living attentive parents.

Stop focusing on ideals and things/people that you can’t control, OP. Waste of time and energy and just traumatized kids more.

My ex did this the entire marriage. No affair. The irony is he is the one who forced the kids issue when we agreed not to have kids. Some people are not family people. I am introverted and like being alone. I cannot wait until kids are adults. I don’t have the luxury of checking out

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to check your phone bill and see if there are lots of calls or texts to a specific number. Get a voice-activated recorder off amazon and put it in his car. Keep your eyes open for any unusual receipts. Check your credit card bills. This does sound like an affair in that he is angry and villainizing you and maybe the kids. It's what cheaters do to deal with the cognitive dissonance of what they are doing. Maybe he's not cheating, but you will want certainty either way and he may just gaslight you.

+1. Get and Check your detailed cell phone records. You have to login into your account on the internet and then download and pdf the last 18 months of detailed phone bills before he locks you out of the account. This is how I found the thousands of texts to my DHs AP.
When the liar was claiming depression unhappiness and was super irritable.

Phone records don’t always show the calls and messages. Using apps like WhatsApp, Signal, KIK will not show a record the calls.

I’m betting he is using an app and has it hidden on his phone.

Anonymous wrote:I really rather him just leave me.

He probably is having an affair despite denying it. I just don’t get it.

He can go and be happy with wherever. I’ll be fine.

But he cannot do this to our kids. This is the man who would turn down buddy trips to take his kids camping.

Who is this man?

He is 100% having an affair. Why he is not admitted to it or leaving you, I have several ideas.

His AP is also married and doesn’t want to leave her husband. So if he divorced you, he would be alone.

By not leaving you he gets the best of both worlds. A home, financially stability and cooked meals. Leaving is scary. At the same time he is having a great time with his new AP. They are in love.

You need to find out. The not knowing and being gaslit will make you lose your mind. The kids need one stable parent.

I would recommend seeing a therapist on your own and discuss this. You will need all the support you can get, but it will get harder while you slog through this.

It sucks, but be resolute, I found that helps.

Anonymous wrote:I really rather him just leave me.

He probably is having an affair despite denying it. I just don’t get it.

He can go and be happy with wherever. I’ll be fine.

But he cannot do this to our kids. This is the man who would turn down buddy trips to take his kids camping.

Who is this man?

I told my ex that he could leave and I meant it. And I didn’t say it in a shrill historical tone. I sat him down, and I said sometimes feelings in relationships change. You may decide you want another choice in your life, but I also need to understand the situation so I can make my own choices. I think you are seeing someone else and it is not fair to make me live this way. I will be fine and we can separate. But I need to understand what’s happening here.

He lied through his teeth until I found the text messages.

I don’t know OP. Why do they do this? It’s one thing to have the affair, it’s another to deny someone else choices in life while they explore whatever fantasy is happening. It was a level of selfishness that made me understand that no matter what happened, he’d leave if things got too tough (me getting sick later in life for example). I could have recovered from the affair. The willingness to keep me in a painful place while he continued the affair was as another story. I left, and to this day he asks me to come back. Some people truly cannot comprehend that some mistakes can’t be undone.

Anonymous wrote:OP, when is the last time you two had sex? How much sex in the last 6 - 12 months?

Once in the last two months.

I offer and he declines. He isn’t interested at all. I’m not the one declining.

It could be cancer of the liver. It can radically change the chemicals in your body and you are dealing with a different person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely affair territory. And men are likely to want to overthrow their current family and start a new one ... Keep an eye out and listen to your gut!!

It’s this.
Stop asking him what’s wrong and nagging and accusing.
Just start treating him the way you did before he was “yours”—
I know I’ll get pushback for saying this, but it’s really often as simple as that.
Engage. Attend. Be present FOR HiM and behave in ways that make him want to be around you more, not less.

Isn't this what's called the "pick me" dance?

Yes and it never works.

OP, you dismissed a comment here suggesting maybe addiction could be going on. You said no because "he's very disciplined." Don't let yourself be fooled--please read the recent thread on this forum, from the woman whose DH was alcoholic and she and others had no idea, he so effectively hid his drinking. Addicts--especially addicts who are good at being disciplined when they want -- can cover astoundingly well.

OP, when is the last time you two had sex? How much sex in the last 6 - 12 months?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely affair territory. And men are likely to want to overthrow their current family and start a new one ... Keep an eye out and listen to your gut!!

It’s this.
Stop asking him what’s wrong and nagging and accusing.
Just start treating him the way you did before he was “yours”—
I know I’ll get pushback for saying this, but it’s really often as simple as that.
Engage. Attend. Be present FOR HiM and behave in ways that make him want to be around you more, not less.

Isn't this what's called the "pick me" dance?

Anonymous wrote:Just to throw out there another cause of sudden personality change- brain tumor.
Ask him to get an physical checkup.

NP. Just here to say that while it's rare, this does happen. I know two men who, one in his early 40s and one in his early 50s, suddenly began behaving differently and antagonistically. Out of character for both and baffling to their wives. Both men had brain tumors and doctors told the wives the sudden personality shift is an early indicator.

I'm sure many here will dismiss this idea, but PP is right to bring it up as one thing to consider. I'd rule out affair, illness (thyroid issues can cause irritability, OP), depression first, but yeah, if those are all not the cause, look even at rare possibilities.