Anonymous wrote:It's been a year ....did you end up doing anything OP?

Anonymous wrote:I read first 4 pages - divorce now. Divorcing this disordered personality type is challenging and typically gets drawn out significantly. Your peace is worth it.

Speaking from POI as child of parents who had this marriage dynamic. Non personality disordered parent finally filed after staying for the kids and then finding ways to avoid disordered spouse. It just got worse and worse. Now they are in a multi year ongoing divorce…

Anonymous wrote:I read first 4 pages - divorce now. Divorcing this disordered personality type is challenging and typically gets drawn out significantly. Your peace is worth it.

Speaking from POI as child of parents who had this marriage dynamic. Non personality disordered parent finally filed after staying for the kids and then finding ways to avoid disordered spouse. It just got worse and worse. Now they are in a multi year ongoing divorce…

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Anonymous wrote:On your deathbed, will you be able to look back at your life and say you were happy? I read that a lot of people on their deathbeds wished they had allowed themselves to be happy. Only they know why they didn’t let themselves.

I will have to pay him a large amount of money. He was unemployed for most of the marriage.

Oh boy, get him working and functional first before you file or let him know your intent. Being a breadwinner mom is the absolute worst position to be in in divorce. Sadly I know.

A breadwinner dad is actually the worst. And the moms usually get the kids.

No, they don't. It is usually 50/50.

Women are just experiencing what men have always experienced.

This^ and women aren't good at being the providers. Such marriages fail at higher rates.

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Anonymous wrote:DH has been awful - terrorizing me for months, lots of emotional and verbal abuse. I have a therapist, and every online source, including Dr Ramani would point to the fact that this marriage is over. Yet I feel horrible ending a marriage of 20 years. I am very conflicted.

You can't change him. You can change yourself. What's your part in these conflicts? Is there a way to get him to therapy so he can work on his part? What are the circumstances? Is there a way to change those? For example, get less stressful or better paying jobs. Moving from a large money drain house to a smaller fully paid home? Moving kids from expensive privates to public schools? Limiting contact with in-laws (yours ir his) if a factor? Quitting alcohol or shopping addiction? If you want to save this marriage, you two can't continue same behavior and expect new results.

This is a perfect example of how people who haven't experienced domestic violence and abuse have no idea how to deal with abusers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been awful - terrorizing me for months, lots of emotional and verbal abuse. I have a therapist, and every online source, including Dr Ramani would point to the fact that this marriage is over. Yet I feel horrible ending a marriage of 20 years. I am very conflicted.

You can't change him. You can change yourself. What's your part in these conflicts? Is there a way to get him to therapy so he can work on his part? What are the circumstances? Is there a way to change those? For example, get less stressful or better paying jobs. Moving from a large money drain house to a smaller fully paid home? Moving kids from expensive privates to public schools? Limiting contact with in-laws (yours ir his) if a factor? Quitting alcohol or shopping addiction? If you want to save this marriage, you two can't continue same behavior and expect new results.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been awful - terrorizing me for months, lots of emotional and verbal abuse. I have a therapist, and every online source, including Dr Ramani would point to the fact that this marriage is over. Yet I feel horrible ending a marriage of 20 years. I am very conflicted.

You can't change him. You can change yourself. What's your part in these conflicts? Is there a way to get him to therapy so he can work on his part? What are the circumstances? Is there a way to change those? For example, get less stressful or better paying jobs. Moving from a large money drain house to a smaller fully paid home? Moving kids from expensive privates to public schools? Limiting contact with in-laws (yours ir his) if a factor? Quitting alcohol or shopping addiction? If you want to save this marriage, you two can't continue same behavior and expect new results.