Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of OPs questionable actions are pulling away, communicating, or trying to get him to engage. But his response is abusive? But it was ok when she did it apparently.

The problem is that most people only read the OP where she said that she did something she’s not proud of and then he ignored her for five days. If she had been honest in the beginning and said that she ignored him for a few hours FIRST and he got annoyed and did it back for a few days to see how she likes it, people would likely be responding differently.

NP. A few hours and five days are not at all equivalent and I suspect you know that, PP. are are in the usual DCUM camp of "the OP must be wrong because OP didn't give every single detail in the very first post." I get it, "trickle truth" is not good, but you don't know her, so why so invested in her just having to be the villain here?

Yes, she was wrong to go silent for a few hours, but how much more toxic is it that he then punishes her with days on end of the silent treatment? He's dropping a nuclear bomb on a skirmish. Yeah, it was a nasty skirmish, and she also has serious communications issues, but your post above seems to excuse his response to her.

Sounds like they need time physically apart, during which they get individual therapy and then marriage counseling, BUT that would be in an ideal world. They are not ideal, and I suspect he would never agree to any outside help. There may be more hope for her, but she will need to be very frank and up front with her therapist or counselor. She at least recognizes there's a problem and that she is part of the problem. I think he sees a problem but thinks it's 100 percent on her.

Uh it sounds like you missed the part where SHE dropped a nuclear bomb of verbal abuse. Trying to absolve the OP of responsibility when she literally caused this is so sexist and bizarre. Men are allowed to be hurt by abuse from women as well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of OPs questionable actions are pulling away, communicating, or trying to get him to engage. But his response is abusive? But it was ok when she did it apparently.

The problem is that most people only read the OP where she said that she did something she’s not proud of and then he ignored her for five days. If she had been honest in the beginning and said that she ignored him for a few hours FIRST and he got annoyed and did it back for a few days to see how she likes it, people would likely be responding differently.

NP. A few hours and five days are not at all equivalent and I suspect you know that, PP. are are in the usual DCUM camp of "the OP must be wrong because OP didn't give every single detail in the very first post." I get it, "trickle truth" is not good, but you don't know her, so why so invested in her just having to be the villain here?

Yes, she was wrong to go silent for a few hours, but how much more toxic is it that he then punishes her with days on end of the silent treatment? He's dropping a nuclear bomb on a skirmish. Yeah, it was a nasty skirmish, and she also has serious communications issues, but your post above seems to excuse his response to her.

Sounds like they need time physically apart, during which they get individual therapy and then marriage counseling, BUT that would be in an ideal world. They are not ideal, and I suspect he would never agree to any outside help. There may be more hope for her, but she will need to be very frank and up front with her therapist or counselor. She at least recognizes there's a problem and that she is part of the problem. I think he sees a problem but thinks it's 100 percent on her.

To me the highlighted line is the crux of the issue. I feel like OP did own her part in the situation. I'm not sure that being silent for a few hours is the worst thing in the world. She went silent then she asked to talk about it. Not talking for 5 days is absurd. OP knows this is an unhealthy dynamic which is why she posted here looking for help. In unhealthy marriages both parties play a role. I'm in the process of owning my part in the dissolution of my marriage but I'm not willing to accept all the blame that's being heaped on me. I don't even think blame needs to be assigned on either side to be honest. OP and her dh have a communication pattern that could prove fatal for their marriage. I do think that refusing to speak for 5 days crosses the line into abuse territory.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of OPs questionable actions are pulling away, communicating, or trying to get him to engage. But his response is abusive? But it was ok when she did it apparently.

The problem is that most people only read the OP where she said that she did something she’s not proud of and then he ignored her for five days. If she had been honest in the beginning and said that she ignored him for a few hours FIRST and he got annoyed and did it back for a few days to see how she likes it, people would likely be responding differently.

NP. A few hours and five days are not at all equivalent and I suspect you know that, PP. are are in the usual DCUM camp of "the OP must be wrong because OP didn't give every single detail in the very first post." I get it, "trickle truth" is not good, but you don't know her, so why so invested in her just having to be the villain here?

Yes, she was wrong to go silent for a few hours, but how much more toxic is it that he then punishes her with days on end of the silent treatment? He's dropping a nuclear bomb on a skirmish. Yeah, it was a nasty skirmish, and she also has serious communications issues, but your post above seems to excuse his response to her.

Sounds like they need time physically apart, during which they get individual therapy and then marriage counseling, BUT that would be in an ideal world. They are not ideal, and I suspect he would never agree to any outside help. There may be more hope for her, but she will need to be very frank and up front with her therapist or counselor. She at least recognizes there's a problem and that she is part of the problem. I think he sees a problem but thinks it's 100 percent on her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of OPs questionable actions are pulling away, communicating, or trying to get him to engage. But his response is abusive? But it was ok when she did it apparently.

The problem is that most people only read the OP where she said that she did something she’s not proud of and then he ignored her for five days. If she had been honest in the beginning and said that she ignored him for a few hours FIRST and he got annoyed and did it back for a few days to see how she likes it, people would likely be responding differently.

You're right. But OP knew she was in the wrong and only wanted to hear how amazing she is and how awful her DH is, manipulating the post to get those answers. People familiar with this dynamic knew there was something under the surface, and OP showed her true colours and abusive behaviour.

Would he be open to going to marriage counseling with you? It sounds like you both could use help figuring out healthier ways of communicating your frustrations.

Anonymous wrote:We got into a fight. I was out of line in how I approached him. Now it's five days and he still refuses to talk to me. I am really struggling. I have a therapist appointment for Wednesday, but I really need someone to talk to.

I would want to know how you were in the wrong and how you apologized and what you said when you admitted you were wrong. If you did that.

He's guilty of the fourth of the "Gottman four horseman." The Gottman four horsemen are Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling. I wonder whether some of the others are also involved here.

Sleep naked

Anonymous wrote:So all of OPs questionable actions are pulling away, communicating, or trying to get him to engage. But his response is abusive? But it was ok when she did it apparently.

The problem is that most people only read the OP where she said that she did something she’s not proud of and then he ignored her for five days. If she had been honest in the beginning and said that she ignored him for a few hours FIRST and he got annoyed and did it back for a few days to see how she likes it, people would likely be responding differently.

If OP had posted "DH and I got into a fight and I'm trying not to engage with him right now. He screamed at me and has been saying nasty things to me trying to get me to engage with him". Everyone would be saying he was abusive and that OP should ignore him. Yet when it's the husband who was being screamed at, he's the abusive one.

Anonymous wrote:So all of OPs questionable actions are pulling away, communicating, or trying to get him to engage. But his response is abusive? But it was ok when she did it apparently.

You must be new here. Even if OP was wrong, her husband is to blame. Most people have seemed to gloss over OPs abusive ways of getting him to engage with her.

So all of OPs questionable actions are pulling away, communicating, or trying to get him to engage. But his response is abusive? But it was ok when she did it apparently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unlike the other posted, I'm not trying to be right or win an argument or asking anyone to take blame. I just want to feel loved by my spouse. I went about the wrong way and acknowledge that. But he still refuses. Should I give up?

Don't tolerate this passive aggressive behavior. You deserve better. My husband was like this every time we had conflict. I never felt relaxed in my own house. I finally told him he either talk or get out. And he started talking. I should have done this years ago instead of putting up the BS.

Were you also verbally abusive to your spouse when you gave this ultimatum?

There is no need to be dramatic. Aren't we all adults?

What's dramatic about this post? You are relating it to your situation; were you as verbally abusive as OP in your situation? If not, it's not really the same situation. Calling someone passive aggressive for withdrawing after being verbally abused as OP did is quite cold, and frankly inaccurate IMO.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unlike the other posted, I'm not trying to be right or win an argument or asking anyone to take blame. I just want to feel loved by my spouse. I went about the wrong way and acknowledge that. But he still refuses. Should I give up?

Don't tolerate this passive aggressive behavior. You deserve better. My husband was like this every time we had conflict. I never felt relaxed in my own house. I finally told him he either talk or get out. And he started talking. I should have done this years ago instead of putting up the BS.

Were you also verbally abusive to your spouse when you gave this ultimatum?

There is no need to be dramatic. Aren't we all adults?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unlike the other posted, I'm not trying to be right or win an argument or asking anyone to take blame. I just want to feel loved by my spouse. I went about the wrong way and acknowledge that. But he still refuses. Should I give up?

Don't tolerate this passive aggressive behavior. You deserve better. My husband was like this every time we had conflict. I never felt relaxed in my own house. I finally told him he either talk or get out. And he started talking. I should have done this years ago instead of putting up the BS.

And he deserves better than someone screaming at him and saying hurtful things in an attempt to get him to engage with her.

Sure, he can get out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unlike the other posted, I'm not trying to be right or win an argument or asking anyone to take blame. I just want to feel loved by my spouse. I went about the wrong way and acknowledge that. But he still refuses. Should I give up?

Don't tolerate this passive aggressive behavior. You deserve better. My husband was like this every time we had conflict. I never felt relaxed in my own house. I finally told him he either talk or get out. And he started talking. I should have done this years ago instead of putting up the BS.

Were you also verbally abusive to your spouse when you gave this ultimatum?