Anonymous wrote:What is your relationship like with her? I was in your daughter's position and I wish my mother had pulled me aside to point the red flags out to me. She didn't and it was for the worst. We talk about it now and she says she never said anything because she didn't want to impose on my life, but I didn't see what she saw until it was too late.

NP. My sister dated and eventually married an absolute loser. Red flags everywhere. After I met him twice, I did say something to my sister.

And she absolutely flipped out on me.

No one likes him, but everyone else humors her. She's married to a man-child 16 years her senior, who relentlessly shares whatever half-baked thought comes to mind, who can't manage anything himself and expects her to do everything, including throwing one of his teenage daughters from his first marriage and all-out birthday party 10 days after my sister gave birth to their child. I didn't bite me younger that day, told him he needed to step up and stop being a waste of oxygen, and told my sister this is ridiculous.

So now we haven't spoken in nearly 4 years. According to my dad, sister is increasingly frustrated. My mom says sister won't leave him because she doesn't want to be twice divorced, apparently a fate worse than death.

My point is, even when someone is willing to be honest about a significant other's red flags, people don't want to hear it. I went through this with a friend in a physically abusive relationship. No matter how many times people around her said, from the earliest days of the relationship, "hey, red flag!" she rationalized it away. When he started beating her and the cycle of leaving and returning started, pointing out THAT HE WAS BEATING HER was met with resistance. She thought she was in love, and that mattered more than anything else.

I think one reason you are getting negative feedback OP is that you've concluded you don't like him after a few interactions, including one in which it sounds like it was your daughter's behavior that bothered you.

Do you not remember what it was like to meet a significant other's parents when you were early in your relationship? Especially when you are early-to-mid 20s and just starting out, and the parent in questions is highly... discerning.

You aren't giving him a chance. Your DD knows him way better than you do and sees something in him you don't --why not trust the judgment of the child you raised and give him a chance. Why are you second guessing her so much?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter!
I was in college, on rebound from a brilliant guy who treated me terribly and started dating a 25-year-old townie who managed the local Blockbuster and worshipped the ground I walked on. My mother was absolutely disgusted and did not hide her disdain at all. In hindsight I stayed with him longer than I should have just out of defiance.
I also dated a promising, sweet law student who my mother slavered over. "He would be PERFECT in our family." I probably should have married him but it annoyed me that my mother kept pushing him.
I ended up with a good guy, college-educated but with no money. She liked him well enough until our kids were born and he still had (has) no money, now she bashes him regularly and it makes me not want to see her.
Just try to stay neutral.

DD is here with her BF, and I'm doing my best to be as civil as I can do him!! He is a nice person, but no, I don't think he's her equal. But she does seem happy with him, so there's nothing I can say or do. I did pull her aside for a long chat about her ambitions and my fears about women giving up things to be with men. I've seen so many women curtail their ambitions because they don't want to best their partner. I do not want that to happen to DD. But if it does, that's her business. Sad, but there's nothing I can do.

As long as he is kind, educated and employed with no addictions, leave it to her to decide. Relax, enjoy holidays and let her enjoy too. Everything doesn't need to be decided this week.

I think it's worth telling your daughter that it will likely be important for her to find someone of an equal intellectual temperament as she ages and explain to her what lovebombing looks like. It sound like this guy is a lovebomber and likely any woman will do for him at this time. You can't tell her what to do but you can expose her to abuse signs including covert ones.

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter!
I was in college, on rebound from a brilliant guy who treated me terribly and started dating a 25-year-old townie who managed the local Blockbuster and worshipped the ground I walked on. My mother was absolutely disgusted and did not hide her disdain at all. In hindsight I stayed with him longer than I should have just out of defiance.
I also dated a promising, sweet law student who my mother slavered over. "He would be PERFECT in our family." I probably should have married him but it annoyed me that my mother kept pushing him.
I ended up with a good guy, college-educated but with no money. She liked him well enough until our kids were born and he still had (has) no money, now she bashes him regularly and it makes me not want to see her.
Just try to stay neutral.

DD is here with her BF, and I'm doing my best to be as civil as I can do him!! He is a nice person, but no, I don't think he's her equal. But she does seem happy with him, so there's nothing I can say or do. I did pull her aside for a long chat about her ambitions and my fears about women giving up things to be with men. I've seen so many women curtail their ambitions because they don't want to best their partner. I do not want that to happen to DD. But if it does, that's her business. Sad, but there's nothing I can do.

Overbearing parents cause their children to pick partners that are the direct opposite so they can finally relax.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anything negative you say will be held against you forever should they end up married.

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. I fear the mask will slip and I will get irritated and say something I regret over Christmas dinner. The bf also has poor manners, which I guess is snobbish of me to say, but it grates on me. I was raised differently, and I tried to raise my children to behave well. Usually, they do. But DD is enamored of this guy. I asked him very politely to pass something to my husband when we took them out to dinner (we asked her to dinner, but she brought him, uninvited) and DD got extremely upset with ME, telling me I had no right to ask him to do anything! I was paying for a nice meal, and I thought it was OK to ask him to please pass something to my husband. Offense?? Yes, he is dull. No spark, no humor, no imagination. I have no idea what they talk about. They both play the same sport, but I can't see that they have anything else in common.

You either (i) asked him to pass the salt, and your daughter is just nuts, or (ii) asked him to pass a portion of his meal, in which case she's right and you are nuts.

Based on your other posts, I'm guessing it's the later.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be fair to OP, rebounds can be mistakes as you are in a vulnerable dejected phase. What's equally worse is using rebounds to get over their ex and then discarding them.

If your DD is intelligent and accomplished , hopefully she is able to see something in him that matters to her but you can't see as you are still in love with her seemingly perfect ex.

No, OP thinks the ex is immature. There’s a pattern here.

NP here, but I think this is the same mom who posted that her daughter’s boyfriend broke up with her with the excuse that he couldn’t provide her with the lifestyle she was accustomed to and she deserved better than him. Mom had really liked the boyfriend and was considering offerng the couple money so that boyfriend would stay with her daughter and they could have a comfortable life.

People on here told her that the guy was either cheating on the daughter or had realized that he couldn’t handle the family (especially the mom). The whole thread was deleted.

Anonymous wrote:To be fair to OP, rebounds can be mistakes as you are in a vulnerable dejected phase. What's equally worse is using rebounds to get over their ex and then discarding them.

If your DD is intelligent and accomplished , hopefully she is able to see something in him that matters to her but you can't see as you are still in love with her seemingly perfect ex.

No, OP thinks the ex is immature. There’s a pattern here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. No you can’t say anything. She invites him and you are a gracious host. You can secretly hope it blows over. If she is as intelligent self aware and emotionally mature as you say she is, she will make the right choices for herself. I get it OP she has more potential and is more accomplished than the bf. We sat back and let it play out. DD called it quits on her own timeline. And yes we are relieved!

Thank you, kind PP for this post. This is my instinct, but I can vent my real feelings on DCUM! Her bf is a few years older, but he's a dull bro, good looking but no spark, not in any way her intellectual or creative equal. I see her shrinking to fit, and it's hard to watch her become so diminished by this man. I fear it will be hard to hide my feelings about him if he comes to our house for Christmas. He has take up all her time, and she seems buried by him. She is professionally accomplished, but mature? She's flattered by his intense focus on her, but doesn't realize it's not healthy and can't last.

The best thing you can do for your daughter is to TRUST HER to figure all this out on her own. And then you do the emotional work to find every single little thing about him that you DO like. There's a high chance she already knows you disapprove. ZIP IT, embrace this man, and watch her realize in her own time that he's a dud. Or not! But then if they end up married you've done the work to figure out why she thinks he's such a good partner even when you don't see it yet.

I was your daughter!
I was in college, on rebound from a brilliant guy who treated me terribly and started dating a 25-year-old townie who managed the local Blockbuster and worshipped the ground I walked on. My mother was absolutely disgusted and did not hide her disdain at all. In hindsight I stayed with him longer than I should have just out of defiance.
I also dated a promising, sweet law student who my mother slavered over. "He would be PERFECT in our family." I probably should have married him but it annoyed me that my mother kept pushing him.
I ended up with a good guy, college-educated but with no money. She liked him well enough until our kids were born and he still had (has) no money, now she bashes him regularly and it makes me not want to see her.
Just try to stay neutral.

To be fair to OP, rebounds can be mistakes as you are in a vulnerable dejected phase. What's equally worse is using rebounds to get over their ex and then discarding them.

If your DD is intelligent and accomplished , hopefully she is able to see something in him that matters to her but you can't see as you are still in love with her seemingly perfect ex.

I am grateful my parents indulged my rebound relationship. I was in my early 20s and had had a rough breakup that year. Rebound was a summer beach fling who attempted to keep things going long distance. He drove to my house to surprise me, but it happened to be the weekend we had multiple family events (grad parties, nice dinner out with grandma). I’m sure my parents had some thoughts, but they welcomed him to all the events. I ended things shortly after and was dating my now DH by the end of that summer.

Had my parents been difficult about my rebound, I might have dug my heels in and done something dumb like move to his city, which would have been a mistake!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you refuse to have him at Christmas, you’ll push her deeper into the relationship with him. It will be the two of them against you and you’ll give them something to bond over. Your actions will lead to undesirable results.

+1
Unlike others here, I think you are 100% justified to be repulsed at the idea of a dimwit clinging to your dd. You do have to be accepting and it will dampen the holidays but put on a good face because the alternative is pushing her away. Right now she is blind to how her boyfriend is perceived but give her space to decide on her own.

Best advice. Remember, "Keep your enemies closer..."? Having him for the holiday will give you a chance to spend more time with him. Either you may find he has some redeeming qualities you weren't aware of, or you will be quietly able to take note of concerning behaviors (which may negatively affect your daughter - like gambling, drinking, etc.) to keep an eye on.

OP's DS seems to be quite accustomed to smothering, clingy dullards since childhood. Lie in the bed you made.