I think, as a spouse, part of my job is to make DH's life easier. I also expect the same attitude from him. I don't see anything in your post that says you and DH share that philosophy and, honestly, I think that without that mindset, raising children with be a burden. The little things really make my day now, like putting gas in my car or taking care of an errand I needed to do.

As for our schedule, each person gets one "freebie" night per week to do what they want -- happy hour, an exercise class, whatever. More than that requires a conversation and the OK from the other parent. Weekends are generally spent together as a family or together with friends. However, it isn't unusual for me to go to brunch or DH to golf. As a general rule, we take turns getting up with the kids on weekends, but it depends on the morning and how much of a handful the kids are being.

Good luck when you have two kids --- if you think it is bad now, you have no idea how little free time exists when there are as many children as there are adults. That is a HUGE adjustment.

We don't have a set "schedule" but we try to have time each week for us as a couple and for each of us as individuals. We share duties in the morning and evenings during the week. I usually go out one night/week with friends after my 2.5 y.o. goes to sleep. My husband doesn't go out as much, maybe 1-2 times/month, but he just isn't as social as I am. We get a sitter and go out together one night/week. We usually spend the weekend days all together but occassionally one of us has something else to do (e.g., I had a baby shower today). We take turns getting up with our daughter on the weekend mornings so that we each get a morning to sleep in.

I am totally in favor of having some "me" time each week, but it does kind of sound like your husband expects too much.

WHy can't your DH take your child to Home Depot/chores/errands?

Anonymous wrote:12:56 - what is bizarre? Have you never fought with your DH?

I think it's bizarre that OP doesn't want to spend time with her child on the weekends (do you work during the week?). The 8 mo. old stage is so darn cute. Why wouldn't you want to spend time with your child???

How much "me" time do you need OP???? 1/2 an afternoon on Sat AND Sun - wow!

WOW - we argue over who gets my son - it doesn't matter how exhausted my husband is - he almost always wants him - he goes out one night a week if I am feeling ok and they take a walk/run together in the jogger some nights. He loves his Daddy time and I have to fight for my time at night (but I don't work right now - not planned). I don't get the ridged schedule. We just gradually worked it out and work together. Weekend mornings he lets me sleep in and sometimes when I get up may go take a nap and nights if our son is up I'll take over so he can go to be early as I'm a night owl but wow, I'd resent a ridged schedule too.

I agree with the immediate pp. Who are all these people who say they get no breaks and no free time? Especially when you have just one kid.

I strongly disagree that having a child means me-time and us-time disappear. Of course, they can't come at the expense of caring for/playing with/spending quality time with your child, and of course there's a lot less of them than they're used to be, but they're critical to your well-being as an individual and a couple. Our son, 13 months, goes to bed by 7, and we have plenty of time in the evenings to chill. I take yoga classes twice a week (one of those after he's in bed, the other on the weekend). My DH plays a couple sports regularly. We recently started going on dates together about every other week (again, after our son is in bed). We're also honest with each other about when we need a break. On the weekends one of us might take the little guy on an outing or for a walk, so the other can have an hour to lie on the couch and read the paper. We have plenty of family time too--there is time in the week, the month, for all of this.

I have a close friend with twins who recently ran a marathon, and another friend with a toddler training for a triathlon.

OP, it sounds from your posts like the problem is that your husband is not respecting your (reasonable) views on how much time he needs to spend with your child. It sounds like he has not made the adjustment all of us go through after having a kid, of recognizing that life is not the same anymore. He can still have his hobbies and his passions, but he needs to adjust and recognize he just can't give as much as he used to. I also think you need to be less rigid about scheduling, though I can understand from your descriptions of him why you're doing this. It's hard to say what solution you need here because none of us know you and your husband and what will work best for you both. I agree that couples counseling sounds like a really good option here--you two need to sit down and hash out a balance you're both comfortable with. I also agree with the pp who recommended going out together. Find a time to reconnect with each other and spend a little time relaxing together if you can, even just watching a movie at home.

Good luck. It's a huge adjustment having a child and really rocks many marriages, I think. Even if people are criticizing the details of your situation, I think what you're going through is not unusual, at all.

I agree with many of the posters that your DH is still in "no kid" mode. It may have been alright to spend as much time away "training" in the past, but he now has a child. Maybe he can still take his couple of hours training on the weekends, but then NOT hang out with the bike buddies afterwards, if it is the bike race that is important to him. I feel for you as my DH did not make any significant changes after #1 was born (this was 6 years ago) and I remember feeling much the same as you. Fast forward 6 years and it is a completely different story, mainly due to a very serious discussion between the two of us. I took him out to dinner and told him very frankly why it wasn't working out for me; I tried to not make it one sided and let him know I was open to hearing his feelings as well. Anyway, if you are having a hard time communicating, I suggest counseling or maybe a PEP course to help you get back on track.

I have not read through all the replies. My husband works long hours, and I am grad student but with our 13 month old for all but about 6 hrs a week (when he's with a sitter). On weekends, our focus is on family time-- it is rare for one of us to go out with friends, etc without the other on a weekend. I usually get up in the morning with our son, but then I might nap when he naps. We both clean, etc and play with our son. No schedule at all. My husband will play with our son while I take a long shower or get some work done. Do I still do most of the childcare on weekends and occasionally feel resentful?  Maybe, but it feels pretty fair most of the time, and we really enjoy the time all three of us have together. A schedule would not work for us. 

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again -- maybe my DH (or life) is different from many here? DH works in the city and has happy hours/work dinners about twice a week -- I don't have that kind of job, and I don't work in the city. I also get up with DS 4 mornings a week so DH can train for a bike race in the mornings. We both come home (when he's not out) for evenings with DS. If it's "my" turn, he'll go downstairs and watch TV, while I put DS to bed and cook us dinner. If it's "his" turn, I'll just start cooking. On the weekends, he bikes each day for several hours, and then often hangs out with the biking guys at a bar for a couple hours before coming home. I'm home alone for most weekend days, and then we have friends come over at night. Is this so unusual?

Yes. It seems like your dh thinks he's still single and/or childless. Most fathers I know do not go out more than 1x a month. And weekend 'training'? Not with an infant. Hanging out every weekend with the guys? Nope. Your dh needs to be clued into the marriage and fatherhood lifestyle cuz this ain' it.

I haven't read all the posts after this one, but I have to say I AGREE!

I think some of the PPs are being harsh on the OP. Yes, I think the schedule isn't the best idea, but I think this issue is deeper than that. Good luck, OP. It sounds like your DH needs to make some major adjustments.

12:30 again. Your arrangement sounds so unbellievably one-sided and, yes, unfair, I don't know what to say if he cannot see it himself. And I say this as someone with two small kids whose DH is training for a bike race as well.

How in the world does your DH think it will even out over time? Does he have plans to take over all morning and weekend day care of your DS once he race is over? Can you ask him to pick commitments -- if you are going to wake up with DS, he puts DS to sleep?

I am assuming you are just wild about your kid and that the issue is that you do the vast majority of baby care while your husband gets to have fun and not change his life. If this is not the case, then obviously there are bigger issues (for you) here. I am also assuming that there isn't a particular activity you really want (e.g., gym in the morning, book club, dinner 2X month with a friend, etc) -- otherwise you would be discussed that rather than hours. I think you should pick something and just do it anyway. It may feel like a chore, but it will be good for you to get in the practice of asking for and taking what you need to recharge and be a good mom. It will be a good reminder to your DH that it isn't just his social needs.

And ignore the martyrs who say they never get a break, but I think you figured that out already.

Some perspective from a nanny. Many of my charges haven't the slightest idea what their parents do and where they go during the week. They just know they leave to go to work. For all they know, work could be one giant party. Weekend time should be time spent with your children as much as possible. if you are married, do it together if possible. My friends alternate days that they get to sleep in on the weekends but only until 9am or so. Then, they spent most of the days together doing errands with the kids and doing fun stuff. Balance is key. You are parents now. Your kids have limited time with you so remember that. A girls' night out once a month is cool as is a date night every few weeks. Your DH could do an early golf outing one weekend morning too. It isn't about you anymore. Keep repeating that in your head. You had your "you" time before your child was born. If you want to stay a family, be a family by spending what limited time you have together as much as possible. I am a mom too.

Basically I think you need to think about priorities. Pick an important thing that takes 2 hours a week. That's your free time. And alternate who gets up early with the baby on the weekend. Otherwise, you're either together or one of you is doing errands etc --there's simply too much to do with a baby to be about to spend 40% of your non-work time completely "off."

Anonymous wrote:The OP's question was "how do you do it?"

My answer is that we focus on our family first. We spend enough time away from each other during the week, we don't have time for daily personal pursuits. We value our family time.We occasionally do things solo but that is extremely rare.

As for the who gets up- we try to take care of each other. It's not a fight, it's not a checklist of who does what. I want him to be comfortable and he wants me to be comfortable. It's true, I end up getting up more than he does, but that's okay. I consider it as something that moms do. However he does his fair share.

That's what works for us but all this heavy scheduling sounds crazy.

PP, I like you and I like your family and your marriage. DH and I take care of each other and DD. We both understand that if we aren't ok, we can't be ok to take care of her. We are fortunate to have family nearby to call in as reinforcements and we did a few times in the first three months.

DH understands that bfing is important to me and traveled on a business trip with DD and me. I usually do early morning childcare because he sleeps in. We take care of each other but we have a weekday schedule relative to drop off and pick up. And all either one of us wants to do at the end of the day and see each other and DD. When we married, our lives changed so that we wanted to see each other and now we want to be with DD all the time.

I do think your DH needs to understand that life changes a lot with a child and you can't be expected to pick up the slack so he can
Live like an overgrown frat boy. I really hope you two can talk to someone.

I don't have much free time to myself, but I do enjoy the time that we spend as a family going to the park, the pool, for walks etc. I hate it that I feel guilty on the few occasions that I want to go out with girlfriends etc. because my husband doesn't really go out with his friends much - they mostly just hang out at lunch at work. My husband doesn't complain about it too much, but he does a little. Oh well, nothing is perfect, but things are pretty good.

Maybe you and husband ought to ditch the schedule, find a sitter, and go out together.