Hi OP, here’s what we did when our oldest dropped out of college after his first year (a disappointing year with bad grades and no initiative).

We told him he had to set some goals. One being a career goal, and some social goals. Like your DD he just wasn’t doing anything but hanging out with us all the time.

He had to develop a plan, and sit down with us to talk about it, and how he planned to work towards the goals. We made it clear we didn’t expect it to be set in stone, he could change his path, but he had to be working towards *something* as a real career. We would support him financially (eg, roof over his head, the used car we let him drive, food at home, etc) in his efforts, as long as he kept working towards it in a meaningful way. And we would have formal check-ins on a regular basis. Formal as in sit down and this was our topic and updates would be provided. So it wasn’t just, “hey how is everyone going?” and a reply like “fine”. It was here is what I’ve done, here’s what I’m planning on next, here’s the expected timeframe.

And social was similar. Those check-ins included what he had planned for getting out of the house.

He set a career goal and he also worked a part-time job as he completed some coursework and some other things to enroll in a program that led to his now-career. He also started dating and eventually found his now-fiancé. It didn’t happen overnight, but we were firm that this was the expectation, and he did it.

I’m super proud of him!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh your mentality is garbage. Her job in life is not to make you proud. Just love her, support, and encourage her the best you can.

No. You are wrong. Whether or not we admit it publicly, that is our kids’ jobs. My immigrant family would agree with that.

Op here. A lot of feedback… No it’s not her job to make me proud, I’m not asking her to become a doctor! Just show some initiative for anything!
I’m just asking, if you kid age 21 dropped out of college, barely scrapes by community college part time, works a job part time and has zero other interests other than TikTok in spare time, are you supposed to tell her you’re *proud* of her?

And to answer a couple other questions,
I just said partner, but yes, he’s my husband.
My other child launched just fine.
To be honest, it’s kinda hard to tell how she did in high school. She was doing great up until Covid in the middle of grade 10, then yes she got good grades, but everyone did and the bar was quite low to get an A and she had grade inflation for sure. She blew off a lot of stuff but still seem to manage to do fine. She did get a 1300 on her SATs so there is intelligence there.
Yes she has Add and is medicated. She’s responsible her medications.

My younger brother was like this until 26. He now makes 160k at 33, and he is doing very well. Thank goodness our mother was nothing like you.

Anonymous wrote:I have a daughter who is 21. She left a good college after one year because she was overwhelmed and could not keep up. She has always done things half assed, and barely gets by. Since leaving college 18 months ago, she has gone to community college and done average there, work a job at a coffee shop and that’s pretty much it. Nothing else. She is sweet and cute but has no friends because it’s hard to meet people. She did have a boyfriend, but they just broke up so now she truly has no one. But she doesn’t try either. She just never seems to do anything that makes me proud. The best thing she does is take out the trash and empty the dishwasher without being asked. I feel that age 21 she should be doing a bit more. I was just out with my friend who says, well she’s doing the minimum of staying out of trouble working and going to school. And she doesn’t do drugs or alcohol and isn’t a problem. I just don’t see much adulting going on and I’m a little worried that this is going to be her whole story in life. I just can’t say I’m proud of her, like my other daughter who works really hard and is outgoing and tries to meet people. Am I being impatient? Does anyone have any advice? She is only 21, but both me and my partner say how we just don’t see change since she left school.

You're terrible. I'm glad that I am not your daughter. Leave the girl alone. She's working and going to school and will find her way. She just needs some time to get there. Preferably without a hypercritical parent making her miserable.

Yes lots of us don’t have much to be proud about for one or more of our adult kids.

We did our best. Now it’s up to them.

Anonymous wrote: Overwhelmed in college and inattention to daily tasks?

That stinks to high heaven of untreated inattentive ADHD…

You should get her evaluated. ADHD is the mental health disorder that’s easiest to medicate. She could go back to school, potentially. It would greatly improve her financial outlook.

SN parent and exactly what I thought.

You all need to get an abortion!

I think you need to guide her a bit more. Part time work and part time school and loading the dishwasher just isn't enough for a 21 year old.

You need to help her find direction.

Help her stop living like a teen.

Maybe meeting with a ceer counselor or joining the jobs corps
Something.

I also wouldn't waste money on part time classes unless she's actively working on a degree that will end in a career and she's likely to finish within the next year. No just taking classes to take classes.

If she is in a program encourage her to find a job in a related field ie I know many nurses who worked part time as CNA's or medical assistants whole in school.

If she's not enrolled in a specific program guide her to working for a descent company with fulltime work, she can potentially grow with the company.

Anonymous wrote:I think so much of parenting an adult child is having reasonable expectations. My mother will tell you parenting is such a disappointment. We went to top Universities (which she demanded), got good grades, good jobs, 2 of us married and had kids and really nothing is enough and she is constantly comparing to that one friend who's kids are even more accomplished and dote on her more.

One of my kids has SN which was devastating for mom and she admitted it to no one and pretty much didn't want us out in public with her. He's doing great. it has been a ton of work, interventions, tutoring, finding the right activities to make friends. He's in college-but what mom considers "a bottom feeder." We are so thrilled. I would love to see him be able to have a job, keep friends, live independently and maybe even marry, but will love him no matter what as long as he continues to be a good citizen. I have reasonable expectations for him and he is already exceeding them.

You sound like a great mom!

Your kids are lucky 😃

wow.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh your mentality is garbage. Her job in life is not to make you proud. Just love her, support, and encourage her the best you can.

No. You are wrong. Whether or not we admit it publicly, that is our kids’ jobs. My immigrant family would agree with that.

Op here. A lot of feedback… No it’s not her job to make me proud, I’m not asking her to become a doctor! Just show some initiative for anything!
I’m just asking, if you kid age 21 dropped out of college, barely scrapes by community college part time, works a job part time and has zero other interests other than TikTok in spare time, are you supposed to tell her you’re *proud* of her?

And to answer a couple other questions,
I just said partner, but yes, he’s my husband.
My other child launched just fine.
To be honest, it’s kinda hard to tell how she did in high school. She was doing great up until Covid in the middle of grade 10, then yes she got good grades, but everyone did and the bar was quite low to get an A and she had grade inflation for sure. She blew off a lot of stuff but still seem to manage to do fine. She did get a 1300 on her SATs so there is intelligence there.
Yes she has Add and is medicated. She’s responsible her medications.

OP, you just continue show your a**

Yesterday I was talking to someone who said his son is 27 years old dropped out of college and decided to move to Colorado to lead river rafting tours and lives in a (nice) van. Honestly, I think that’s great. It shows drive for something!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh your mentality is garbage. Her job in life is not to make you proud. Just love her, support, and encourage her the best you can.

No. You are wrong. Whether or not we admit it publicly, that is our kids’ jobs. My immigrant family would agree with that.

Op here. A lot of feedback… No it’s not her job to make me proud, I’m not asking her to become a doctor! Just show some initiative for anything!
I’m just asking, if you kid age 21 dropped out of college, barely scrapes by community college part time, works a job part time and has zero other interests other than TikTok in spare time, are you supposed to tell her you’re *proud* of her?

And to answer a couple other questions,
I just said partner, but yes, he’s my husband.
My other child launched just fine.
To be honest, it’s kinda hard to tell how she did in high school. She was doing great up until Covid in the middle of grade 10, then yes she got good grades, but everyone did and the bar was quite low to get an A and she had grade inflation for sure. She blew off a lot of stuff but still seem to manage to do fine. She did get a 1300 on her SATs so there is intelligence there.
Yes she has Add and is medicated. She’s responsible her medications.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh your mentality is garbage. Her job in life is not to make you proud. Just love her, support, and encourage her the best you can.

No. You are wrong. Whether or not we admit it publicly, that is our kids’ jobs. My immigrant family would agree with that.

Dp. Only narcissists believe this, pp

Anonymous wrote:Consider the military, where she will get the structure and discipline that she needs.

The military is not the solution

Anonymous wrote:As long as she is cute, then she can find a man, and she will be his problem soon enough.

Wow. You op's dd as a 'problem' that is very sad