Someone said to me when my kids were little that the years to be an especially present for them were middle school years. This is so true. I now have older kids. Middle schools get out early in the afternoon with little structure offered for them in the afternoon of things to do and they are going through a ton at that age. They need and want emotional and social support and more than changing a diaper, it does make a difference if it’s you providing it vs someone you pay vs no one doing it at all.

My advice is think big picture about your career path and finances to plan for being around more during this time in their life.

I'm not offended because it shows me this person is insecure about being a SAHM, which doesn't surprise me. Of all the SAHMs I know, I would say only one isn't at all embarrassed by that status.

My PhD sister wants to be a SAHM (her DH makes 450K) but the only thing holding her back is that it's embarrassing to stay at home after all that education and experience working as a bioinformatics scientist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's true.

I just don't feel bad about it. It's hard to impart your values in your kids if they spend 8+ hours a day away from you.

I just hope I chose care givers with similar values.

+100
Don’t be shocked if your kids take in the values and teachings of someone else that they spend 8-12 hours a day with.
Whether it’s you or someone else—Choose wisely. Influence is powerful.

Ok. And how much research did you do into the school you sent your kids to? Because they're spending the majority of their 18 years there, no?

Or even the families they play with or do playdates with.

SAHM overestimate how much actual time they spend with their kids simply because they are in the same dwelling.

It's such an unnecessarily rude comment. I stayed at home until DS was 2 and then worked part time until he was in school. I never once thought that about my friends who worked, let alone said something like that!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

I’m sorry it’s offensive. But it’s true.

It's not exactly true for all SAHM's.

My neighbor's H was very ill and she asked me to help out, she didn't ask the SAHM neighbor.

The SAHM said, why would you ask Larla, I would actually spend time with X and Y.

We compared how much time I spend with my kids and how much time she spends with her kids and I actually spent more time with my kids. She is either shopping or cooking or cleaning or painting a room or going to gym etc. The kids are in the house with her or at the gym daycare or in the yard but her time interaction is not nearly as much as I interact with my kids.

Its ridiculous and short sighted. Only for a very short time in the US was is possible for a woman to stay home and not work and one very specific class could provide for a life on one salary. Historically women worked, in the fields, in the barns, making supplies for winter, mending clothes etc while children were watched by aunties, grandmas, older children. Children were put to work early at the farms and other home industries so the whole long childhood filled with intellectual and fun pursuits was only for the extremely rich and they had nannies anyway.
More loving adults around children is not a bad thing and now we have so much more leisure time we actually spend with our children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's true.

I just don't feel bad about it. It's hard to impart your values in your kids if they spend 8+ hours a day away from you.

I just hope I chose care givers with similar values.

+100
Don’t be shocked if your kids take in the values and teachings of someone else that they spend 8-12 hours a day with.
Whether it’s you or someone else—Choose wisely. Influence is powerful.

Ok. And how much research did you do into the school you sent your kids to? Because they're spending the majority of their 18 years there, no?

I've had this said to me after telling someone I work and my kid went to daycare. This was one of many rude things they said. They were an alcoholic and were just off a lot although their kids did fine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nah, I just pity them because I know they must be insecure about their SAHM choices and bored with sitting home with their kids and needing to justify their decisions. Yes, I have less time with my kids because I WOH, but I still raise them.

What if they’re not? What if they truly believe that it’s important to be their kids’ primary caregiver in those early years? What if they’re not at all insecure about being a SAHM?

Then they wouldn't say rude things to other people... It's not complicated.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?

It's an absolutely valid statement. Many of my friends didn't want their children to be raised by strangers, some had the privilege to do it themselves or get family to support while others had to send them to daycare or leave them with nannies.

Your use of the bolded phrase above tells me everything I need to know.

Not everyone is working just because they couldn't afford to stay home.

Your use of the bolded phrase above tells me everything I need to know.

Anonymous wrote:I’m not offended at all. Someone just said this to me and I said, oh I’m thrilled to drop my kids at daycare every day. Love my nice quiet office and my job. And yep I don’t even WFH.

I don’t feel insecure about it at all though. I think it offends you if you feel insecure about your own choices. I know myself and I’d be unhappy and therefore not a great parent if I was with my kids 24-7.

I also think it indicates that the speaker is deeply insecure.

I am 100% secure in the choices my husband and I have made, so I don't have to waste my breath putting down anyone who made a difference choice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not an acceptable turn of phrase.

But I am not offended because it shows the low character of the speaker. Just as if they had said they work FT because “I wanted to use my brain”

+1 it's a rude thing to say but I'd also roll my eyes at their myopic view

And your view here isn't myopic at all or is it that you used eyes and they used words but both judging each other?

I don't think you understand the meaning of the word myopic. And this is why these threads always derail. Because half the people posting are idiots.

A lot of SAHMs actually believe this. My own mother did and she was simply clueless. I just ignore it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?

It's an absolutely valid statement. Many of my friends didn't want their children to be raised by strangers, some had the privilege to do it themselves or get family to support while others had to send them to daycare or leave them with nannies.

Is another option shipping your kids off to the coal mines?

Seriously, "had" to send them to daycare or "leave" them with nannies? Your ignorance is showing.

No. But I don't overthink things like this.