Anonymous wrote:OP why not ask him why he's home late and see what he says?

I can’t ask him anything lately without it blowing up. My peace is not important than his answer, really, as the answer will undoubtedly be that I’m crazy or something like that.

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Anonymous wrote:OP is there ever any discussion of him spending the night outside of the house? Is he claiming he is working? Why don’t you have his schedule ahead of time?

None of this makes sense to me.

He has a generally usual schedule, which occasionally includes a later shift, but not always. It’s usually on one specific day and he has held to that, but the actual time seems to flex. Like I would expect him home around midnight based on what his shift “should” be, but he is coming home at 2-4am.

In the spirit of 180 and dropping the drama in the house, I have stopped asking for his schedule as it always ends in an argument or him being nasty to me. I just always assume I am taking care of kid. It’s easier on me and I love hanging with her anyway. he always seems to be “working”, even on his days off.

So he came home in the morning way after 4 am and you just… said nothing?

I think that’s beyond the 180.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in.

I’d let him know and make it clear you don’t care if he’s bleeding out on the side of the road.

Lawyer up.

Lawyering up is a good way to spend money you would otherwise keep in a divorce. If you want to divorce, start the process based on separation, 50/50 of everything and nothing to fight over and keep your money. "Lawyering up" is rarely advisable.

Only if you trust the other not to steal the assets and hire a lawyer, leaving you with no assets to get one yourself (or live on).

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Anonymous wrote:Women are f***g cruel let me tell you. The other woman probably knows about you and yet she has no issues whatsoever with it. When women start blaming other women, men will run out of women to cheat with. No the first instinct is blame the man. Of course he is responsible, he should know better. But the other women somehow don't receive as much criticism. It's really odd.

THIS!

I’m
Pretty sure she must know about me. My worst fear is that she turns up pregnant.

Why? If you are going to divorce him, do you really care how his life is going to be?

Don't be daft. Any child he has will be a part of her child's life, and so also hers.

OP why not ask him why he's home late and see what he says?

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Anonymous wrote:I’d wipe out the bank accounts, change the locks and text him his stuff is ready for pick up.

You can’t do this in a divorce. It’s amazing how many people have such delusions.

But she could buy herself some very nice gifts, take herself on a nice vacation, etc.

What is the 180?

OP, your husband knows you know and he doesn’t care. Get your ducks in a row and start planning.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women are f***g cruel let me tell you. The other woman probably knows about you and yet she has no issues whatsoever with it. When women start blaming other women, men will run out of women to cheat with. No the first instinct is blame the man. Of course he is responsible, he should know better. But the other women somehow don't receive as much criticism. It's really odd.

Seriously? What are you even talking about? Women are ALWAYS judged more harshly for deviant behavior.

He is probably giving a sob story to the other woman about how his wife is abusive, cruel, they’ve stopped sleeping together, their marriage has always been a sham, he’s really in love with her, etc., etc.

Why is protecting the man’s marriage the responsibility of a woman? Isn’t he responsible for what he does? Aren’t women responsible for enough?

Then I guess the man "tricked" her. Now she can cry to the other woman and act stupid like she didn't know.

Let me say this. If a woman wants your man he can be married to you for 50 years, that woman will come wreck your household and not even think about it.

Nobody can argue that married men are far less likely to have an affair with another married woman because men know the mess it can create. Married women' APs are far more likely to be married like them.

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Anonymous wrote:He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in.

I’d let him know and make it clear you don’t care if he’s bleeding out on the side of the road.

Lawyer up.

Lawyering up is a good way to spend money you would otherwise keep in a divorce. If you want to divorce, start the process based on separation, 50/50 of everything and nothing to fight over and keep your money. "Lawyering up" is rarely advisable.

She can file all the paperwork herself after she consult a lawyer because she does not know the laws in her state.

also he tricked her into moving so she needs to figure out how she can legally get back to where she wants to live.

There are a few circumstances where it makes more sense to move back first and then wait a while before filing. Especially if she has family and a support system in the other state. It's where the child grew up and has friends and extended family, and he's not an involved parent, so he might not even care. You could frame it as if we want to go back home, make things work from there, and save the divorce talk for later. If enough time passes before filing for divorce, the other state will have jurisdiction. Obviously, not your lawyer, and I'm sure another lawyer here will chime in and tell you this is bad advice, which is why you need to hire a good lawyer.

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Anonymous wrote:He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in.

Sounds like he wants to get caught.

Probably. But I’m not giving him that luxury. He’s going to have to tell me and his child.

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I have been there and I can imagine how difficult it is. But please don't bring the child into it. Yes, they will eventually know you are divorcing (if that's where you're heading) but they DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHY. It will feel good in the moment but it could cause a lot of long-term damage to the child. Kids do best during divorce when parents minimize conflict, communicate well, and support the child's continued relationship with the other parent. Telling kids about adult issues like an affair puts them in the middle and causes mistrust with BOTH parents.

NP. I think a young child doesn’t need to know about cheating, but teens definitely should. They will have enormous trust issues with your approach too, speaking from a personal perspective. Age-appropriate transparency is best.

OP here, to be fair, he won’t have to tell her, but he’s going to be the one to tell her it’s his choice to break up the family. She already is irritated with him as he’s never there/here.

And why doesn’t she need to know why? He’s choosing another family over the family he made and is supposed to be a part of. AP has a child as far as I know. He choosing that kid over his own.

But it is not his choice. If you divorce, it is YOUR choice. Many people stay married. Most do.

This is the biggest crock of sh** I've read on here. Cheating is breaking a covenant. The remedy for breaking a contractual covenant is termination, and in my opinion, the remedy should also include damages, which can be addressed in a prenup. The non-defaulting party doesn't have "blame" in this situation. The person who intentionally broke a covenant bears 100% of the responsibility for the fallout.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in.

I’d let him know and make it clear you don’t care if he’s bleeding out on the side of the road.

Lawyer up.

Lawyering up is a good way to spend money you would otherwise keep in a divorce. If you want to divorce, start the process based on separation, 50/50 of everything and nothing to fight over and keep your money. "Lawyering up" is rarely advisable.

She can file all the paperwork herself after she consult a lawyer because she does not know the laws in her state.

also he tricked her into moving so she needs to figure out how she can legally get back to where she wants to live.

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Anonymous wrote:Put an air tag on his vehicle

Illegal

No it isn’t. It’s even legal to key your own car. They are married it’s her car too.

Only is she is on the title. If he is on the title only, it is absolutely illegal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in.

I’d let him know and make it clear you don’t care if he’s bleeding out on the side of the road.

Lawyer up.

Lawyering up is a good way to spend money you would otherwise keep in a divorce. If you want to divorce, start the process based on separation, 50/50 of everything and nothing to fight over and keep your money. "Lawyering up" is rarely advisable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Put an air tag on his vehicle

Illegal

Is it illegal if she also has title on that vehicle?