Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, men love their children.

But not in the same way as women. Men's priority is the woman with whom they are sleeping. If that relationship ends (widowed, divorced), they will prioritize finding a new woman to sleep with, and it is very clear that finding and establishing this new relationship comes before their existing children.

Men seem to struggle with maintaining their relationship with children when the children's mother disappears.

I think the opposite is true. Men tend to form stronger relationships with their children without a mother present.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, men love their children.

But not in the same way as women. Men's priority is the woman with whom they are sleeping. If that relationship ends (widowed, divorced), they will prioritize finding a new woman to sleep with, and it is very clear that finding and establishing this new relationship comes before their existing children.

Men seem to struggle with maintaining their relationship with children when the children's mother disappears.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve often wondered something similar but for a different reason. I would never leave my kids and move out to go live somewhere else. Men do it ALL the time, women much less frequently. It’s not that I think they don’t love their kids, I just literally can’t comprehend how they can do it.

My dad did it, my own husband did it (left his kids with his ex). I just wouldn’t.

Anonymous wrote:I know a couple who broke up when the wife cheated on her husband and moved away leaving him with their kids. Everyone around them is rightfully horrified by her behavior and none of us can figure out how a mom just abandons her family like that. A marriage breaking up and a divorce -- ok we get that. But I don't know how a mother walks away from her kids. I also have an uncle who raised his two daughters solo because his wife left them and same thing -- how do you abandon your kids like that.

But it's interesting because I know a number of men who have cheated on their wives and divorced and are now pretty minimally involved with their kids and I never hear anyone say "I just don't understand how he can abandon his family like that." Like people aren't impressed by these men but they aren't surprised by it.

I just think culturally we don't expect men to be as attached to kids or family. Obviously some men are but it's not expected in the same way it is for women. Both the women I've mentioned here who abandoned their kids ran away and started new lives elsewhere -- I don't know what even happened to them. And no one has any interest in maintaining relationships with them because of what they did. But the men I know who have done the similar are still right where they were -- same jobs and same cities. People don't approve but also aren't shunning them. Just a very different dynamic.

Anonymous wrote:Generally, men love themselves first and their wife/kids second. Women love their kids first and themselves second.

Of the divorced parents I’ve known, men tend to prioritize their own happiness and will give up custody or move out of state for “work”. They’ve explained to me that they need to put on their own oxygen mask first to be a good dad, or that they don’t feel guilty because they are providing for their kids.

I remember going on a date with a man who poured so much of his money into an entrepreneurial venture that he lived in a trailer with other men in an area so had a judge ruled his kids couldn’t visit him there, so he only saw them once a month. But this was okay with him, because he planned on making a ton of money so he could provide for his kids later on.

Which he did, but he also remarried and started a new family. My guess is that his kids would have preferred he work a regular job and stayed with their mom rather than try to buy their love later on.

Of course this isn’t always the case. I lost my mom very young and we were raised by my dad. He did a fantastic job and put us first - he quit his demanding career and got a lower paying one so he could be finished by 3pm every day, did not date at all until we were well into our 20s, as kids he always spent quality time with us every day.

But among other kids I knew who lost their mom, it was far more common for dad to start dating right away. I knew kids who went through severe depression, self-mutilation, etc because their dad immediately started bringing other women home. Absolutely terrible.

I know those dads would say they loved their kids, and would be concerned enough to get them into therapy, but wouldn’t go as far as putting their kids’ needs above their own.

Anonymous wrote:Do men love their kids? Like truly love their kids or do they just take care of them out of obligation?

Anonymous wrote:I think people observe a range of fathers doing a range of things and then assemble the anecdotes to support whatever their preexisting view of fathers was. I have seen moms acting detached as well.

Also, a few people have mentioned “just a financial provider” or otherwise minimized that role. For those (men or women) who do take on that role, it is most definitely a profound expression of love. How do I make sure the family is secure, no matter what happens? The constant planning and worrying. The money doesn’t just magically show up in the bank account.

Now feel free to share your anecdotes of dads who aren’t the main breadwinner and are still detached, as though that proves anything except for your hunger for confirmation.