He’s not coming home until after bedtime because it’s hard and he doesn’t want to, and you will do it for him.

One of my employees does this. He gets to work at 10 and works until 6:30. He’s happy to come home after dinner and bath. I think he doesn’t realize what he’s putting on his wife. He just thinks it’s hard and he wants to avoid it, but forgets that if he doesn’t help his wife has to do it all.

Op here. To answer some questions:
His work hours- he’s on maxi flex so it doesn’t matter as long as he hits 40.

We actually do have a good marriage. And yes this changed a bit over the past year. He didn’t work so long before. The project he’s on is very complex. It’s not me he’s avoiding. He’s happy to spend the rest of the evening with me once the kids are asleep. I think he genuinely forgets what time it is. And yeah it’s very very difficult to manage the kids during this time, we both dread it. He likes kids. I think both of us didn’t realize quite how hard kids are and how much we’d struggle with them.

Both of us have hands on dads and our moms worked. His mom wasn’t a sahm like suggested. We both grew up eating dinner at 6pm with both our parents present.

And over scheduling my kids?? We have a pretty low key schedule. We are healthy and I do cook from scratch, but I make a lot so we eat it as leftovers the next night.

I think it’s his work that’s the issue. He just needs to leave after 8 or 9 hours and tell them to hire more people. I would be fine with him working an extra hour daily. 8-5pm or 8-5:30.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am DH who doesn't want to be home early because I dislike my wife so much. Just seeing her damn face gives me anxiety. But she is cheaper to keep. We have come to an agreement that work for us as far as the kids and their schedule. I do all the pick up drop off birthdays breakfast getting ready for school. This is great for me because it avoids me having to interact with her or see her much. I am happy when around my kids but miserable around my wife. And let me say it again she is cheaper to keep than divorce. It sucks but it is what it is. Perhaps when I have the urge to have an affair I'll file for divorce before that comes and will have to live with the financial cost

I am still married and I have a couple of friends who are divorced and I wonder if this man is one of them. And from talking to other husbands this is not uncommon. I have been married for 25 years and we have had our ups and down, but we work very hard to tolerate respect and love one another. However I am not going to criticize men like this poster. I know someone are taking his wifes side and understand their view. My wife isn't the easiest person, we both equally share chores, communicate and do everything necessary to make our marriage work. I honestly can say that another man would have probably left. It's easy to criticize from far away when someone comes so strongly like this and profess his dislike for his wife.

Not sure how men reach the conclusion that because they dislike their wives, it’s ok to nope out of parenting responsibilities …

Anonymous wrote:I am DH who doesn't want to be home early because I dislike my wife so much. Just seeing her damn face gives me anxiety. But she is cheaper to keep. We have come to an agreement that work for us as far as the kids and their schedule. I do all the pick up drop off birthdays breakfast getting ready for school. This is great for me because it avoids me having to interact with her or see her much. I am happy when around my kids but miserable around my wife. And let me say it again she is cheaper to keep than divorce. It sucks but it is what it is. Perhaps when I have the urge to have an affair I'll file for divorce before that comes and will have to live with the financial cost

I am still married and I have a couple of friends who are divorced and I wonder if this man is one of them. And from talking to other husbands this is not uncommon. I have been married for 25 years and we have had our ups and down, but we work very hard to tolerate respect and love one another. However I am not going to criticize men like this poster. I know someone are taking his wifes side and understand their view. My wife isn't the easiest person, we both equally share chores, communicate and do everything necessary to make our marriage work. I honestly can say that another man would have probably left. It's easy to criticize from far away when someone comes so strongly like this and profess his dislike for his wife.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell him that there has been a change at your job (new boss, new project, etc.) and you are no longer able to leave early enough to do pick up. He is now in charge of at least a part of the evening routine. And since you make more money, your job should be prioritized.

The kids will be in after care until 630. That will be his fix

That is not fair to the kids. Don’t make them pay for his mistakes.

It’s not fair, but OP is in “put on your own oxygen mask” territory. If that means kids stay late in aftercare 2-3x/week, that’s what has to happen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell him that there has been a change at your job (new boss, new project, etc.) and you are no longer able to leave early enough to do pick up. He is now in charge of at least a part of the evening routine. And since you make more money, your job should be prioritized.

The kids will be in after care until 630. That will be his fix

That is not fair to the kids. Don’t make them pay for his mistakes.

Anonymous wrote:My H was like this. Would goof off all morning then work late to make up.

Honestly the only thing that helped was nagging him nonstop for about a year. I was like a pitbull on it. I would track all of our leisure time and show it to him weekly.

Eventually I did escalate it to us doing a 50/50 custody split while together. I said I was getting ready to move out and we needed to start getting ready for what a custody split would be like. He was forced to figure out childcare on the days I was off. And, shocker, he managed to figure out how to get reasonable work hours.

Don’t be a cool girl who doesn’t try to change him. People can change, they just need constant consequences.

.

I agree with this 100%. The fact that he’s otherwise “great” except for leaving you with the most difficult parenting tasks on a consistent basis isn’t enough.

Anonymous wrote:I think you are overscheduling your family and you all need more down time. He's not self-aware enough to say it, or he's avoiding conflict. But I would cut back your calendar so that you both get more down time. And then take a hard line with his weaselly evasive behavior.

What?! Dinner, baths, and bedtime aren’t overscheduling. Have you ever taken care of a small child.

What are his scheduled work hours?

Was his hours better when you had one kid? Why did you have more? Maybe he could leave earlier maybe not, who knows even in Fed work places it can be dicey.

If you live 10 minutes from his work, you probably are paying a lot for a mortgage. Sell and move to Front Royal or something, let him commute and you SAH.

As a DH, I know most dads are fine with their kids in daycare 7-6:30, see them for an hour maybe a day, and then have their own time for sports or hobbies. We all really want the traditional boomer dad life, with maybe a few more chances to be the fun dad and go to soccer games or coach.

I’m sure your DH had a SAHM, so he is modeling his dad’s lifestyle. Every working family I know has either a part time or SAHM spouse, a full time driving nanny, or nearby grandparents. You need to find what works for you.

Three kids??WTAF? Was he better before the 3rd or are you just glutton for punishment?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't want to come home earlier or else he would do it. You can't control other people.

This is the answer. ^^

1000%, my husband is a workaholic with a high-stress job. He leaves at 6:30am to be home at 5:30pm. He wants to see and be with us (we'll all still asleep when he leaves in the am)

Anonymous wrote:I would tell him that there has been a change at your job (new boss, new project, etc.) and you are no longer able to leave early enough to do pick up. He is now in charge of at least a part of the evening routine. And since you make more money, your job should be prioritized.

The kids will be in after care until 630. That will be his fix

Frankly, you have to just accept it. There’s no way to get him home earlier if he doesn’t want to. You can tell him how you feel and ask him to do it, but ultimately you can’t control him or his time. I’ve gone through this myself.

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe there are people suggesting OP hire someone so that her husband can get out of his family responsibilities and goof off. This is why our birthrate is declining. Why would women put up with this?

Because that means the money that she would otherwise have to give him in a divorce settlement is going towards something that actually benefits her.