Anonymous wrote:Did anyone grow up with parents who provided zero life guidance and emotional support/growth during their childhood and formative years? How did you deal? How did you learn the tools to have an emotional life and personal growth? Did your siblings learn?

I'm the poster child for dysfunctional family hah! Only child of 2 working parents with own business who had a horrible marriage but stuck it out for the sake of successful business. Never saw them as they always worked, as I'm the kid of immigrants, they were hardcore tiger parents who were physically and verbally abusive. I was a latch key kid growing up and really had to fend for myself. I had no opportunity for mental health or tutoring support even though I struggled academically in school. There were expectations placed upon me yet I had no guidance. My husband refers to my parents as sharks.

How did I end up married to a stable loving guy and have 2 good kids and a successful career with well rounded friends?

I attribute my being so grounded to the fact that I instinctively sought out people who were good for me. Never had a lot of friends but I held onto those I had and my relationships have held firm over 20, 30, 40 years with the same people. I was close to friends with very stable families and I was close to them and their families. My wedding invites included not just my friends but their parents as well. I surrounded myself with people who could fill some void for me. I dated guys who came from huge families - I definitely had unconscious patterns - I enjoyed being around people who were stable, no drama, having really strong families.

I made a lot of mistakes of course. It took me a very long time to date someone who didn't just use me for physical gratification. I didn't really get intimacy on any level as I never saw it, had it. I catch myself being overbearing with my kids on occasion but they set me straight right away! I think DH is a great guy but while I married late, I probably could have done better for myself in terms of a stronger match. I changed jobs a lot and I work for myself. It's super hard for me to sustain relationships in terms of burning bridges too readily. While I have a small core of friends I've known for years, I have also deep regrets of severing a lot of other relationships with old friends who I acted too rashly with and I think it's part of my dysfunction in not having anyone model healthy relationships nor provide guidance. I think if I had more knowledge I probably would not have jumped at marriage and having kids even. I just thought that was the way you had to go - get married and have kids. Never had anyone tell me there were options for how I could live the best life for me.

Ultimately, I am proud of building a successful life for myself getting through the stuff I've had to manage completely on my own. In hindsight, I think I was very lucky in meeting the people I did. Some of it is also just myself. I wanted better, I had good instincts and I have faith. Not religious but spiritual faith.

My advice for people who are lost and have nobody is to know that there is no closure in the sense of revelations, explanations or that kind of stuff. If you are lucky, you will have grace. You only have yourself in this life, no matter how much support you have or don't have. All of us are in the same boat. I'm a BIG believe in nature v nurture. You will turn out how you turn out because of you. Time heals and sheds clarity on a lot and life is fair in the sense that you reap what you sow and you get what you want if you want it bad enough.

I hate seeing a child bring up a topic or observation or something during the day and a father immediately steamroll it and talk about his special interest. Every single time.

Contrast that with a functional adult or grandparent who listens, responds, asks more questions, says “tell me more,” and only at the end may share a similar story or lesson (never right away).

Back and forth conversations. They just don’t happen in some households.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you consider emotional support op?

I’m not the op but here are some emotional supports I missed growing up:

-no hugs or words of encouragement, constant criticism.
- openly mocked by parents when I showed feelings that were too strong — too happy, too sad, etc.
- never asked how my day was, or anything about my life, as a child or as an adult. When I offer details, the topic is immediately changed. To this day my parents have no idea who my friends are, what I majored in in college, or what I do for a living, despite my trying to tell them.

This. Especially the mocking. The tone of my household growing up was sarcasm and mocking. I learned to keep my true self very separate from my family in order to avoid having it ridiculed. I discovered in my late teens that sarcasm is NOT a sign of intelligence but insecurity. It took me years to evolve beyond it but doing so helped me develop actual social skills that led to functional friendships and relationships.

When I visit my parents and siblings now I'm still struck by how sarcastic and dismissive they are. With me, each other, their spouses and kids.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, mine were both completely checked out in their own ways. Dad was a teacher, coach, etc. and put all his time into that. Mom was an alcoholic. My sister and I were treated like trophies - only recognized for the things we accomplished and how we made the family look good - good students, good athletes, seemingly well behaved. It's really done a number on both of us. My sister has never examined what happened and worked through it. She's a narcissist who raised her kids exactly the way we were raised (literally has the same rules we had growing up). I feel really bad for her kids. I married someone like my dad but somehow worse and am now divorced, doing therapy regularly, and working on being a better parent to my kids.

This sounds like a lot of todays parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone grow up with parents who provided zero life guidance and emotional support/growth during their childhood and formative years? How did you deal? How did you learn the tools to have an emotional life and personal growth? Did your siblings learn?

Mine tried according to their abilities and we don't hold them against idols of perfect parenting.

True. There’s no excuse for child abuse, none, but some parents had struggles and did the best that they could.

My mother’s mother had two children within two years. She sent my mother to the country she grew up to live with her mother. She kept the boy. My mother lived in a poor rural area but it was a beautiful location and she was happy. At 16 for reasons unknown she was sent back to the US. No more school in the little one room schoolhouse. Her mother still wouldn’t admit she was her mother so she arranged for her to be a nanny and she lived in a 50 room home with a super rich family. She met my father and they married.

Her mother refused to tell her who her father was. My mother’s brother who her mother kept was educated in the US went to a top college and was successful.

How could I expect her to be perfect? She did everything for us, took us to activities, the beaches all the time. But she never asked about school or how I was doing. She never asked about college.

I still remember when I brought a signed note by my mother to high school and gave it to the teacher. He looked at it and scoffed. He said “my seven year old writes better than that”. I think she was ashamed of not having a proper education so she just stayed away from it.

I could complain about her and say she was neglecting my school work but I understand and wish it had been different for me, but especially for her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you consider emotional support op?

I’m not the op but here are some emotional supports I missed growing up:

-no hugs or words of encouragement, constant criticism.
- openly mocked by parents when I showed feelings that were too strong — too happy, too sad, etc.
- never asked how my day was, or anything about my life, as a child or as an adult. When I offer details, the topic is immediately changed. To this day my parents have no idea who my friends are, what I majored in in college, or what I do for a living, despite my trying to tell them.

Also they were both alcoholics. (Sober now, but nothing has changed, sadly).

Anonymous wrote:What do you consider emotional support op?

I’m not the op but here are some emotional supports I missed growing up:

-no hugs or words of encouragement, constant criticism.
- openly mocked by parents when I showed feelings that were too strong — too happy, too sad, etc.
- never asked how my day was, or anything about my life, as a child or as an adult. When I offer details, the topic is immediately changed. To this day my parents have no idea who my friends are, what I majored in in college, or what I do for a living, despite my trying to tell them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a kid, there were things that I thought were only in movies (just normal human interactions), but then when I spent time at my friend's houses I realized they are normal things that normal families do. I came to the conclusion that my parents were defective. For some reason, I never felt like I had to seed their validation. Instead I decided that they will miss out on who I really am. I feel more sad for them than for myself, because I grew from it but they didn't.

What were some of the normal things you mentioned?

I remember going to my 6th grade friends house for cheese fondue dinner.
The parents didn’t say ANYTHING for the whole dinner. I found it very uncomfortable during the dinner. After I assumed my friend’s parents were going to get a divorce. They never did. But I guess they just never talk with each other about life or anything interesting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone grow up with parents who provided zero life guidance and emotional support/growth during their childhood and formative years? How did you deal? How did you learn the tools to have an emotional life and personal growth? Did your siblings learn?

I realized when I was very young that they loved my but where wrapped in there own issues. Also, lacked the life skills to teach me.

I wanted better for myself, I started listening to other adults, following the news and reading a lot. Now my life skills are so high that my parents can’t comprehend them.

My brother on the other hand is lacking them, but has a wife that makes decisions for him.

I try to teach my kids life skills and I going to set up a multi million dollar trust fund for them. I may be over compensating.

What are the life skills you mention? Do you mean investing and such or something more? What life skills can be learned from following the news?

I had a family that was supportive, communicative, and great listeners. I married the opposite, I feel I gave too many benefits of the doubt to him.

But life skills by parenting- basically you narrate a lot of life and also demonstrate Adult Life at home with your spouse.

Teach and show your children how to clean a toilet, maintain a car, explain insurance, how to cook family dishes, how to navigate sports teams or friendships or school things. This leads into teaching to drive, care for a bet, divide up your study time, advocate for yourself at school or on a team.

Demonstrate adult life - not the terrible or scary parts, but enough at dinner or on the weekends. Adult life is talking about elderly care, what car to buy, how to plan a vacation, community service, resolving conflicts even amongst ourselves, home repairs, going to the lumberyard or Home Depot, how to grocery shop with a meal list, work out at the gym, celebrate milestones, etc.

If all your parents are doing is shipping you off to school, sitting at silent dinners and then watching movies 5 times a week, you are way behind in life skills an observed or taught.

My father is self taught. He was the oldest of 7 and grew up in a house where the mom was overwhelmed. Dad was off at the family job. His first roommate told him to pick up after himself. He looked around and realized not everyone lived the same way his family household was.

And he was brave enough to admit there were better ways of doing thing than his parent’s ways.

He vowed to do better, and did. And was still a good son, but with boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone grow up with parents who provided zero life guidance and emotional support/growth during their childhood and formative years? How did you deal? How did you learn the tools to have an emotional life and personal growth? Did your siblings learn?

I realized when I was very young that they loved my but where wrapped in there own issues. Also, lacked the life skills to teach me.

I wanted better for myself, I started listening to other adults, following the news and reading a lot. Now my life skills are so high that my parents can’t comprehend them.

My brother on the other hand is lacking them, but has a wife that makes decisions for him.

I try to teach my kids life skills and I going to set up a multi million dollar trust fund for them. I may be over compensating.

What are the life skills you mention? Do you mean investing and such or something more? What life skills can be learned from following the news?

I am someone whose parents never gave a piece of advice (they are blue collar low caste--we are immigrants). I remember once in my twenties I was at the mall and saw a parent with two children telling the kids that they should wait for people on the elevator to get out before approaching. That hit me hard because I knew I was neglected, but the depth of the neglect was striking as even something as trivial as this my parents would have never provided. The news helped me so much with life skills because understanding politics is about understanding human behavior. Plus, the big newspapers have sections about nutrition (I was never told to eat healthy or had that modeled) and advice from therapists, etc.

Anonymous wrote:I find it hard to picture parents not giving advice or support to their kids. That is the whole...job. I don't really understand. What do you define as advice and support?

I know, I am fascinated by the thread but I think we were lucky and don’t understand.

My parents cared and were involved but they were always a bit odd, plus life did a number on them as they lived through the collapse of the Soviet Union and became somewhat disoriented. They would be happy to provide guidance but they didn’t have the competence. At least I was lucky to be guided until my teen years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone grow up with parents who provided zero life guidance and emotional support/growth during their childhood and formative years? How did you deal? How did you learn the tools to have an emotional life and personal growth? Did your siblings learn?

I realized when I was very young that they loved my but where wrapped in there own issues. Also, lacked the life skills to teach me.

I wanted better for myself, I started listening to other adults, following the news and reading a lot. Now my life skills are so high that my parents can’t comprehend them.

My brother on the other hand is lacking them, but has a wife that makes decisions for him.

I try to teach my kids life skills and I going to set up a multi million dollar trust fund for them. I may be over compensating.

What are the life skills you mention? Do you mean investing and such or something more? What life skills can be learned from following the news?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:savior = off the charts organized with excessive executive function

And that was a bad thing?!?

DP. I am like that and I think it’s not always great for those around me who get intimidated and/or fall into learned helplessness.

Zero emotional support, but tried to manipulate me to be everything they wanted so plenty of “guidance.” Kept raising the bar too so they were never pleased for long.

I took lots of psychology courses, read a lot and chose well adjusted friends as roll models. Also got therapy.

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately my entire neighborhood parented the same way, I thought the disfunction was normal until I went to college. Visiting other students homes during breaks was an eye opener and sent me straight to therapy, did not realize how emotionally void I was at that point. I am still involved with my family, but the struggle to not repeat their mistakes (which many of my siblings do with their children) is real, and I have to remind myself every single minute of the day that I want a different family unit. I want normal, what I had was not normal but I do understand my parents did the best they knew how, they just never tried to do better. I'm working on that, slowly but purposefully.

What kind of neighborhood was it?