This hits Close enough to home that I don’t want to read the whole thread. But this definitely isn’t between you and the stepmother.

This is between your DS and his father. Unfortunately, the stepmom has set up a new family for herself, and is threatened by your DS and there probably isn’t much that can be done about that. What can be done is your ex DH drawing some boundaries that allow him to spend alone time with your DS, but it sounds like he has not done that so far. It could be because your son has not communicated well enough that he needs it. It could be that your son has communicated this well enough, and the new wife just really aggressively won’t let it happen. But it is probably somewhere in between. I totally get why your son blew up. In fact, I think it is reasonable.

Bottom line with regard to your ultimate question: your DS and ex-DH need to set some clear boundaries with that stepmom. And that isn’t something that you should be doing, or even can do.

I’m so sorry this is happening. It probably feels like a massive rejection to your DS, and that’s because, well quite frankly, it is. I get that ex-DH and stepmom are balancing a lot of things, but your ex needs to realize that his son has needs, and he isn’t meeting them because of this blended family situation. I don’t think the chances of him fixing the situation are very high though.

Again, I’m sorry. This is very common, but can do a lot of damage.

Anonymous wrote:Under no circumstances should you be the mediator because it will blow back on you. Get a counselor, have the counselor be the mediator.

I’m not sure I’d do this. There are many bad counselors out there, and SM could easily manipulate the sessions to be all about how the DS is disrespectful, etc. She may even turn him into the “identified patient” and make up mental health issues with him. A 17 year old boy will likely not be able to assert himself. Counseling with just him and his dad might be better but I think we ALL know that SM would not allow that.

Anonymous wrote:All the son can do is pretend to have a medical problem related to his genitals and start talking about that. When stepmom hears the words "ingrown ball-hair" she will avoid.

Lol thanks for the laugh, I needed it this morning.

Anonymous wrote:I believe you that stepmom seems determined for her new blended family to be joined at the hip, and I’m sure she is as exhausting and cloying as you say, but some food for thought…She’s desperate to form sibling bonds between your son and her kids ASAP for the same reason your ds is prioritizing special time alone with his dad: your ds is headed off to college next year and his childhood days are numbered. The opportunity for these kids to grow up together and form family traditions, special memories, inside jokes, etc., is very limited. If they don’t feel like siblings when your son goes off to college, they likely never will.

Oh yes, sounds like stepmom is doing a great job at forming bonds between the kids.

My SM was very similar to what OP describes. Ironically the stepsibs all did bond (I like my stepbrother more than my real brothers) but you know what we bonded over? How absolutely insane our parents were (and are).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s be honest… at the end of the day, this child is living between two homes, a broken family. He does not have a sense of belonging. His father now has a family of his own. They are trying to incorporate him into their life but he isn’t having it. He just wants to be a solo kid but guess what, he isn’t! He has siblings. He has to share his father. He isn’t entitled to one on one time with his dad.

But they’re not his siblings, and his dad isn’t their dad. Do these step siblings he ever go visit their dad?

Exactly. People can try to say they are a blended family all they want but these kids aren’t his dad’s and therefore not his siblings. They are his dad’s wife’s. He is not their sibling and isn’t required to think of them as siblings. His dad is the one making the biggest mistake by not insisting on one on one time with his only child. At the age of the DS, his dad is heading down the path to estrangement.

Anonymous wrote:Don’t worry about it. It’s normal to “blow up” every blue moon. Stop making it something it isn’t. So what step mom cried Bfd.

You don’t need some “sit down”.

Explain to your DS that once he is in college it will essentially be impossible to drag 3 kids to
college to visits.

Your son needs to be more strategic like getting 2 tickets to a sports game.

Also he needs to agree to and get agreement on a % group outings. Like once every 5 gathering is one on one with dad.

This only works with normal people, not with BPD stepmothers. I can tell you what would have happened in my house if I showed up with 2 tickets: tears, screaming, endless emails for years after about how I am “trying to tear the family apart” with the 2 tickets as evidence.

Oh wow. Team DS here all the way. I had a stepmother like this and it’s a thing. We weren’t allowed to do anything individually with our parent. Not even go to our own biological mother’s grave or memorial ceremony without “the whole family.”

I would advise DS to decide himself how to handle it. It’s never wrong to apologize. But you should support whatever he decides to do.

OP - stay out of it and just be supportive of your son.

I was your son. My father did the same thing with a clingy new wife and her three younger children, but I was in my early teens. At 14 I stopped going for the weekend visits. He did not fight for me and took the easy way out by just being incorporated into the new family. We occasionally ran into each other at family events. I spoke to him 2x on the phone after that over 30 years. He died two years ago and I found it a relief. I did not attend the funeral.

Sounds bad but a parent’s rejection is horrible - no wonder your son swore.

This is your XH’s issue. Therapy may be good for your son if he is interested.

Why the F did the XH marry a harpie with three kids?! Is she super hot? Why are men often so foolish?

Anonymous wrote:Agree, OP, do not insert yourself in the middle of this, it will make things worse. I'd set up a therapist for DS and his father to see, NOT SM.

OP, I was in a similar situation. The best thing I did is get my kid's their own individual therapists. The therapists helps the kids assess the situation, evaluate what is reasonable, brainstorm about how to communicate with Dad and Stepmom, set boundaries and learn tools to manage their emotions.

I would offer your kid a therapist. Explain that his feelings are legitimate and you want to support him by giving him the tool of a neutral, skilled and educated person to help your son, because blowing up, while completely understandable, is not really going to be a successful long term management strategy for his relationship with his dad. And let your son know that you support him, but you realize that it is only going to make the situation worse if you get involved - either by speaking to dad and stepmom or by coaching him (son) on how to manage.

This is NOT at all a situation for family therapy between you and exDH. Do not get sucked into that.

You basically need to gray rock stepmom and to the extent possible, exDH. No information is shared about DS except things that have to do with child custody or child support. DS is old enough to communicate with exDH directly about school and personal life and invite him to activities. DS should get himself on school listservs, etc.

You'll have to think through college drop-off, parent's weekend, etc. It will be up to the kid to plan and invite whomever he likes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe you that stepmom seems determined for her new blended family to be joined at the hip, and I’m sure she is as exhausting and cloying as you say, but some food for thought…She’s desperate to form sibling bonds between your son and her kids ASAP for the same reason your ds is prioritizing special time alone with his dad: your ds is headed off to college next year and his childhood days are numbered. The opportunity for these kids to grow up together and form family traditions, special memories, inside jokes, etc., is very limited. If they don’t feel like siblings when your son goes off to college, they likely never will.

Which is fine.

They AREN'T siblings. They are step siblings, which is not actual siblings.

And not even step siblings who were raised from a young age in the same house as siblings. OP's son was ~16 yo when his father married the stepmom. There's no earthly reason he should feel close to the younger kids.

And even if he *does* feel close to them, that doesn't mean he shouldn't want, and expect, some alone time with his father.

All the son can do is pretend to have a medical problem related to his genitals and start talking about that. When stepmom hears the words "ingrown ball-hair" she will avoid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe you that stepmom seems determined for her new blended family to be joined at the hip, and I’m sure she is as exhausting and cloying as you say, but some food for thought…She’s desperate to form sibling bonds between your son and her kids ASAP for the same reason your ds is prioritizing special time alone with his dad: your ds is headed off to college next year and his childhood days are numbered. The opportunity for these kids to grow up together and form family traditions, special memories, inside jokes, etc., is very limited. If they don’t feel like siblings when your son goes off to college, they likely never will.

Which is fine.

They AREN'T siblings. They are step siblings, which is not actual siblings.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe you that stepmom seems determined for her new blended family to be joined at the hip, and I’m sure she is as exhausting and cloying as you say, but some food for thought…She’s desperate to form sibling bonds between your son and her kids ASAP for the same reason your ds is prioritizing special time alone with his dad: your ds is headed off to college next year and his childhood days are numbered. The opportunity for these kids to grow up together and form family traditions, special memories, inside jokes, etc., is very limited. If they don’t feel like siblings when your son goes off to college, they likely never will.

Which is fine.

It’s fine with everyone but stepmom.

Anonymous wrote:Let’s be honest… at the end of the day, this child is living between two homes, a broken family. He does not have a sense of belonging. His father now has a family of his own. They are trying to incorporate him into their life but he isn’t having it. He just wants to be a solo kid but guess what, he isn’t! He has siblings. He has to share his father. He isn’t entitled to one on one time with his dad.

But they’re not his siblings, and his dad isn’t their dad. Do these step siblings he ever go visit their dad?