Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I doubt anyone can do it all. The people claiming that they do it all because their nanny is looking after their kids are only doing the work. They are not spending time with their children to the same degree a SAHM is. So, no one is doing it all. Plus, what is doing it ALL even means. What are your priorities?

I am a highly educated SAHM. I only have two kids who are NT and high achieving. I am not doing the work that a mom with ND kids is doing. I am not juggling the needs of more than 2 kids. We do not have pets. I am not looking after the needs of pets. I am not providing elder care currently.

We live in an average neighborhood with average schools, but it is a nice, large SFH. My kids go to magnet public schools that are 45 minutes away and I drop them and pick them up every single day. I spend 3 hours on the road, my kids spend 1.5 hours travelling. But I save the cost of private school and get an amazing education for my kids. I pay for tutors for EC and acceleration for my kids, but I spend more to have them come home. This costs more but saves my kids travel times.

I pay to get some of my domestic chores outsourced. But, I am still managing this and my time goes in that.

We host pretty consistently and I do all the planning, entertainment, decorating and cooking elaborate meals for 30-50 people at times - but I pay for servers, cleaners, bartenders.

So, who is doing it ALL? No one. My kids were raised by me so I saved money on childcare and my kids got excellent care. BUT, I did not earn money for this. Thankfully, my DH makes enough that we do not need my paycheck for their college and our retirement, but if he didn't then my not earning a paycheck would have cost my family and jeopardized my children's future.

SAHM's are not spending all their time with their kids and if they are why even.. that's more odd than spending a couple hours a day with them. It's so weird, your kid gets home from school at 3pm and you stay by their side... every single one of them from 3pm-9pm. That's weird.

You homeschool?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I doubt anyone can do it all. The people claiming that they do it all because their nanny is looking after their kids are only doing the work. They are not spending time with their children to the same degree a SAHM is. So, no one is doing it all. Plus, what is doing it ALL even means. What are your priorities?

I am a highly educated SAHM. I only have two kids who are NT and high achieving. I am not doing the work that a mom with ND kids is doing. I am not juggling the needs of more than 2 kids. We do not have pets. I am not looking after the needs of pets. I am not providing elder care currently.

We live in an average neighborhood with average schools, but it is a nice, large SFH. My kids go to magnet public schools that are 45 minutes away and I drop them and pick them up every single day. I spend 3 hours on the road, my kids spend 1.5 hours travelling. But I save the cost of private school and get an amazing education for my kids. I pay for tutors for EC and acceleration for my kids, but I spend more to have them come home. This costs more but saves my kids travel times.

I pay to get some of my domestic chores outsourced. But, I am still managing this and my time goes in that.

We host pretty consistently and I do all the planning, entertainment, decorating and cooking elaborate meals for 30-50 people at times - but I pay for servers, cleaners, bartenders.

So, who is doing it ALL? No one. My kids were raised by me so I saved money on childcare and my kids got excellent care. BUT, I did not earn money for this. Thankfully, my DH makes enough that we do not need my paycheck for their college and our retirement, but if he didn't then my not earning a paycheck would have cost my family and jeopardized my children's future.

SAHM's are not spending all their time with their kids and if they are why even.. that's more odd than spending a couple hours a day with them. It's so weird, your kid gets home from school at 3pm and you stay by their side... every single one of them from 3pm-9pm. That's weird.

You homeschool?

Anonymous wrote:This is an honest question-
I am a Foreign Service Officer’s wife and for various reasons we are done with living overseas. I am facing a life back in DC which I am fine with but also starting to look for full time employment (which will be its own huge lift after many years overseas and no semblance of a career but that’s a different thread). I have two children and no family help.

For those who have full time jobs, how on earth do you do it?
If you work till 6 or whatever, who is making dinner? Weekday meals are less involved, or extremely simple.
Who is helping the kids with their homework? They do it in aftercare or they do it after we get home.
Who is shuttling them from activity to activity that I keep reading is so vital for their personal growth and college prep. Prioritize most important activity. Wait until they’re older and interested. There’s evidence that overscheduling or tigermomming leads to poor mental health and executive function as young adults and college students. Don’t keep up with the DCUM Joneses.
Do they stay in aftercare, making their days 11 hour days? Yes.

I am not judging anyone for their choices and I acknowledge I am so fortunate to not have to worry about this till now but I honestly don’t see how it is done. But I know millions of you do it, so please tell me. Husband is helpful but has a demanding job that is not flexible. So sick days and doctor visits and figuring out extracurriculars will be on me, realistically speaking.
I’m starting to panic a bit about how much our life is going to change and how I am going to pull it off with only so many hours in the day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for these very thoughtful responses! I feel like I learned so much.
Also more people had nannies with older kids than I realized so maybe that is just an expense we need to budget for. My fear is with my likely low salary (from limited experience and no real career trajectory) may make paying for a nanny moot. We will have to crunch some numbers if/when I get an offer I guess.

How are you affording a nanny and a house in the DMV on one Foreign Service Officer salary?

FSOs can sponsor their nannies they had in developing countries so the nannies get paid a much lower rate than normal U.S. nannies but they have free housing and food and the salary is still good enough for them to send money back home. It is comparable to an au pair situation except it's a full-time employee, can work overtime for overtime pay, no cultural/education component, and there is the continuity of keeping the same nanny the kids already know from their overseas post.

Yes, they can. They also have to pay her the minimum wage and benefits and pay for her health insurance. The minimum wage in MD is 16 dollars per hour.

That is cheaper than a teenage babysitter rate.

<whispers: I think that’s the point.> immigrant labor is en vogue for a reason.

Stfu

Anonymous wrote:I doubt anyone can do it all. The people claiming that they do it all because their nanny is looking after their kids are only doing the work. They are not spending time with their children to the same degree a SAHM is. So, no one is doing it all. Plus, what is doing it ALL even means. What are your priorities?

I am a highly educated SAHM. I only have two kids who are NT and high achieving. I am not doing the work that a mom with ND kids is doing. I am not juggling the needs of more than 2 kids. We do not have pets. I am not looking after the needs of pets. I am not providing elder care currently.

We live in an average neighborhood with average schools, but it is a nice, large SFH. My kids go to magnet public schools that are 45 minutes away and I drop them and pick them up every single day. I spend 3 hours on the road, my kids spend 1.5 hours travelling. But I save the cost of private school and get an amazing education for my kids. I pay for tutors for EC and acceleration for my kids, but I spend more to have them come home. This costs more but saves my kids travel times.

I pay to get some of my domestic chores outsourced. But, I am still managing this and my time goes in that.

We host pretty consistently and I do all the planning, entertainment, decorating and cooking elaborate meals for 30-50 people at times - but I pay for servers, cleaners, bartenders.

So, who is doing it ALL? No one. My kids were raised by me so I saved money on childcare and my kids got excellent care. BUT, I did not earn money for this. Thankfully, my DH makes enough that we do not need my paycheck for their college and our retirement, but if he didn't then my not earning a paycheck would have cost my family and jeopardized my children's future.

Anonymous wrote:This is an honest question-
I am a Foreign Service Officer’s wife and for various reasons we are done with living overseas. I am facing a life back in DC which I am fine with but also starting to look for full time employment (which will be its own huge lift after many years overseas and no semblance of a career but that’s a different thread). I have two children and no family help. For those who have full time jobs, how on earth do you do it? If you work till 6 or whatever, who is making dinner? Who is helping the kids with their homework? Who is shuttling them from activity to activity that I keep reading is so vital for their personal growth and college prep. Do they stay in aftercare, making their days 11 hour days? I am not judging anyone for their choices and I acknowledge I am so fortunate to not have to worry about this till now but I honestly don’t see how it is done. But I know millions of you do it, so please tell me. Husband is helpful but has a demanding job that is not flexible. So sick days and doctor visits and figuring out extracurriculars will be on me, realistically speaking.
I’m starting to panic a bit about how much our life is going to change and how I am going to pull it off with only so many hours in the day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not sustainable without a nanny or having kids in all day and extended day arrangements. We’ve been trying it for 4 years with no help and I’m about to start winding down with a plan to stay home again. It’s sad that part time work arrangements seem almost impossible to find.

I’ve worked 8:30-5:30 for 25+ years. Drop kids at daycare or school and then picked them up for 20yrs. It is sustainable when you don’t have any other choice. Plenty of people do this every day.

So your kids spent like 8-6 in childcare? I get it is sustainable (probably with some negative side effects) if you have no other choice, but I think most people (especially now that workplaces are offering more flexibility) do not aspire to this lifestyle. And I especially can’t imagine kids of a former SAHM transitioning to this well.

Anonymous wrote:The state department is a hotbed of sketchy labor situations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You just accept that parts of life are chaotic and your drop things that are optional. It looks different for all families. For us, DH and I stagger wfh so one of us is able to be there and get the kids out the door, and start dinner in the evening. On the rare days that we both need to be in the office, one of us picks up take out on the way home.

We also are realistic about needing to miss work for occasional kid stuff either pre planned like random days off school, or emergency like sick days and we divvy them up equally. We are both gracious and respof each other and if one says "i just cant take off today" the other jumps in to make it happen.

We do have more extracurriculars than i expected, and we carpool when possible.

We have cleaners come weekly. Whomever is working from home runs laundry and does light clean up during the day.

There are times we feel like its impossible but most of the time its just normal life.

DP, but wanted to add something similar. If something unexpected comes up DH and I will compare schedules. For instance if he has a big morning meeting and I’m giving an afternoon presentation, then we split our day. Or we will trade things around (e.g. if I handle this unexpected day off, will you handle the next teacher workday?).

This absolutely requires a spouse who is a good partner and values your career. I make about 45% of our HHI + benefits so neither of us is in a position to blow off our jobs without majorly affecting our lifestyle.

Either both jobs matter or you have 1 high earner and the other with a fun or part time job. You can’t have 2 co-earners and a default parent without destroying your marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not sustainable without a nanny or having kids in all day and extended day arrangements. We’ve been trying it for 4 years with no help and I’m about to start winding down with a plan to stay home again. It’s sad that part time work arrangements seem almost impossible to find.

I’ve worked 8:30-5:30 for 25+ years. Drop kids at daycare or school and then picked them up for 20yrs. It is sustainable when you don’t have any other choice. Plenty of people do this every day.

Anonymous wrote:You just accept that parts of life are chaotic and your drop things that are optional. It looks different for all families. For us, DH and I stagger wfh so one of us is able to be there and get the kids out the door, and start dinner in the evening. On the rare days that we both need to be in the office, one of us picks up take out on the way home.

We also are realistic about needing to miss work for occasional kid stuff either pre planned like random days off school, or emergency like sick days and we divvy them up equally. We are both gracious and respof each other and if one says "i just cant take off today" the other jumps in to make it happen.

We do have more extracurriculars than i expected, and we carpool when possible.

We have cleaners come weekly. Whomever is working from home runs laundry and does light clean up during the day.

There are times we feel like its impossible but most of the time its just normal life.