Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. We are not in APS, so I appreciate those resources but NA. We are in Fairfax county and yes screens are in schools all day long. He will be attending a large public FFX county HS in September but we are starting to consider other options if not too late for September. This isn’t a troll post. And I am being honest about his hacking capabilities or at least my understanding of them. It’s beyond just guessing passwords and I’ve summarized some of what he’s done in earlier posts. We aren’t idiots. He knows how to get into our systems and networks and set up himself as the admin and he’s also hacked into our safe multiple times and other locks/keypads.

He isn’t a bad kid overall and has a lot of friends (in person!), plays soccer and other sports, and has even worked at a day camp as a CIT. He has been tested this year through school bc we noticed a drop in his grades. But after the IEP was initiated he improved. A lot. But I do wonder about bipolar because this addictive screen personality of his doesn’t seem to fit the rest of his character. He’s social. Has a lot of friends. Is sporty. But once he gets his hands on the devices it’s like he completely turns into a different person. Yes, it’s what I imagine a drug addict would act like - stealing, lying, personality shift.

I believe you that this isn’t a troll post. You need professional help with your IT setup. He should not be able to break into things. It is possible to set them up so that he can’t. The usual threat model is an outside person so things are often designed with the assumption that you have physical security (locked doors, key cards, etc) but you can solve this, I’m sure. I bet he’s doing a hard reset on your router which defaults it to the factory username and password.

While you’re seeking professional psychological help, I would also look for professional IT help. Set him up for success by removing the vulnerabilities he’s exploiting. There are 12 trillion IT consultants in our area, call around and see if you can find someone to pay to come penetration test your house for a couple of hours.

Op here. Very good advice. We hadn’t considered this angle, but it’s a good one and solves the problem from a different direction. I have signed him up for hack the box and also put him in some programming classes for python. He claims they are boring. My understanding is that he runs some kind of monetized Roblox empire when other players are paying him to enter and or use what he designs and programs. He also claims he is making money doing it and also claims he is making “real money” playing and winning Fortnite in tournaments.

His math tutor does coding with him when he completes his work and gets good grades, and he seems to enjoy that as a reward.

It’s the oppositional piece combined with the adhd and hacking talent that creates this sh$tstorm.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. We are not in APS, so I appreciate those resources but NA. We are in Fairfax county and yes screens are in schools all day long. He will be attending a large public FFX county HS in September but we are starting to consider other options if not too late for September. This isn’t a troll post. And I am being honest about his hacking capabilities or at least my understanding of them. It’s beyond just guessing passwords and I’ve summarized some of what he’s done in earlier posts. We aren’t idiots. He knows how to get into our systems and networks and set up himself as the admin and he’s also hacked into our safe multiple times and other locks/keypads.

He isn’t a bad kid overall and has a lot of friends (in person!), plays soccer and other sports, and has even worked at a day camp as a CIT. He has been tested this year through school bc we noticed a drop in his grades. But after the IEP was initiated he improved. A lot. But I do wonder about bipolar because this addictive screen personality of his doesn’t seem to fit the rest of his character. He’s social. Has a lot of friends. Is sporty. But once he gets his hands on the devices it’s like he completely turns into a different person. Yes, it’s what I imagine a drug addict would act like - stealing, lying, personality shift.

I believe you that this isn’t a troll post. You need professional help with your IT setup. He should not be able to break into things. It is possible to set them up so that he can’t. The usual threat model is an outside person so things are often designed with the assumption that you have physical security (locked doors, key cards, etc) but you can solve this, I’m sure. I bet he’s doing a hard reset on your router which defaults it to the factory username and password.

While you’re seeking professional psychological help, I would also look for professional IT help. Set him up for success by removing the vulnerabilities he’s exploiting. There are 12 trillion IT consultants in our area, call around and see if you can find someone to pay to come penetration test your house for a couple of hours.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. We are not in APS, so I appreciate those resources but NA. We are in Fairfax county and yes screens are in schools all day long. He will be attending a large public FFX county HS in September but we are starting to consider other options if not too late for September. This isn’t a troll post. And I am being honest about his hacking capabilities or at least my understanding of them. It’s beyond just guessing passwords and I’ve summarized some of what he’s done in earlier posts. We aren’t idiots. He knows how to get into our systems and networks and set up himself as the admin and he’s also hacked into our safe multiple times and other locks/keypads.

He isn’t a bad kid overall and has a lot of friends (in person!), plays soccer and other sports, and has even worked at a day camp as a CIT. He has been tested this year through school bc we noticed a drop in his grades. But after the IEP was initiated he improved. A lot. But I do wonder about bipolar because this addictive screen personality of his doesn’t seem to fit the rest of his character. He’s social. Has a lot of friends. Is sporty. But once he gets his hands on the devices it’s like he completely turns into a different person. Yes, it’s what I imagine a drug addict would act like - stealing, lying, personality shift.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi op. In my opinion you have a five alarm fire here and I think you know that, but are also a little too worried about fairness with siblings and calling him an ahole to fully respond (I understand as I can imagine how frustrating!). First thing: meds. I can’t imagine why on earth you wouldn’t do meds on weekends and summers if you are experiencing these behaviors. It’s really not appropriate. I know the dr recommended but they aren’t always right, push back. He’s suffering and everyone is setting him up to fail saying ok he needs these meds but.. not in summer! No, he needs them full stop. Of course he is going to be impulsive and dysregulated over the summer without his meds.

Ok second thing: I highly recommend you throw out any worries of fairness and parent this child in the way he needs right now. Fair doesn’t always mean equal. Your child has a screen addiction. I would be shocked if that’s not the case. It is real and can be a real addiction. Your entire family is going to have to pivot as a result to help him.

First, read up on screen addiction and try to get in with someone who specializes in it. You’re going to need specific tools. And you’re going to have to spend money. Talk to your husband - say we have a five alarm fire here. We’re going to need to go all in to stop it but it’s worth it because this is our child and we know that he is good, he is suffering right now. We know he is good deep down but he is unable to be that person right now and we have to help him back. You have to believe this and more importantly, your kid needs to know you believe this. So all the stuff you said in your post about him - get it out, normal to feel that way but throw it out. Stop thinking of him as an ahole trying to piss you off. He is a suffering kid with screen addiction who needs intervention asap.

Ok next thing; back to the siblings, yes there is no way to get rid of screens, you work from home etc. But you may have to come up with a family plan for screens that drastically lowers your family’s screen time generally. You’ll basically have to say to your other kids x is struggling, we as a family need to support him and have a plan to do it. I’m not saying remove their phones totally but in the house figuring out a plan.

And don’t be worried about this person getting this camp or that. This son is absolutely going to need more money, more intervention right now. In 5 years another kid might need something else and you will be there for them. If it was me, I would have him at a fantastic screen free summer camp (there are many) for most of the summer. It may be too late for that but honestly it’s possible you could still get in a 3 or 4 week one that starts end of July.

But probably before that you need to talk to someone experienced with true screen addiction and get their recommendations for next steps. It’s going to be uncomfortable for all of you to solve this but going on like this won’t end well. He’s showing all the signs - disinterest in everything else, behaviors to keep the addiction going, unable to stop etc etc

Op here and thank you for your thoughtful reply and kindness. We are looking into screen free camps now and it feels like this has been a five alarm fire for years but now he’s getting older and more savvy. The behavior has evolved from kiddie tantrums to this sort of criminal subversive activity and theft. Puberty isn’t helping. The fact he’s also intelligent and has this passion for hacking also isn’t helpful. It’s the lack of empathy and understanding about theft and entitlement that scary. It seems to only be targeted at family, but for how long?

Have called his doctor this morning and asked to go back on the stimulants immediately. He is absolutely dysregulated. Also found a couple of therapists to deal with adolescents and addiction. Praying they have availability thank you.

Really appreciate your calm, nonjudgmental advice. We are doing our best. I’m also working with a husband who likes to just turn a blind eye who is the king of avoidance.

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the replies, but it sounds like your DS is really desperate for the dopamine hit that video games provide. And that his ADHD is severe enough that he really doesn't understand consequences.

For the dopamine problem, hopefully you can get a med adjustment. The other things that help are exercise and positive attention. Is there any sport that he might possibly be interested in? Anything non-screen he is good at that would get him some positive attention?

For consequences for bad behavior, this is the problem with ADHD. Often kids don't understand future consequences, so it has to be immediate to work.

Anonymous wrote:Hi op. In my opinion you have a five alarm fire here and I think you know that, but are also a little too worried about fairness with siblings and calling him an ahole to fully respond (I understand as I can imagine how frustrating!). First thing: meds. I can’t imagine why on earth you wouldn’t do meds on weekends and summers if you are experiencing these behaviors. It’s really not appropriate. I know the dr recommended but they aren’t always right, push back. He’s suffering and everyone is setting him up to fail saying ok he needs these meds but.. not in summer! No, he needs them full stop. Of course he is going to be impulsive and dysregulated over the summer without his meds.

Ok second thing: I highly recommend you throw out any worries of fairness and parent this child in the way he needs right now. Fair doesn’t always mean equal. Your child has a screen addiction. I would be shocked if that’s not the case. It is real and can be a real addiction. Your entire family is going to have to pivot as a result to help him.

First, read up on screen addiction and try to get in with someone who specializes in it. You’re going to need specific tools. And you’re going to have to spend money. Talk to your husband - say we have a five alarm fire here. We’re going to need to go all in to stop it but it’s worth it because this is our child and we know that he is good, he is suffering right now. We know he is good deep down but he is unable to be that person right now and we have to help him back. You have to believe this and more importantly, your kid needs to know you believe this. So all the stuff you said in your post about him - get it out, normal to feel that way but throw it out. Stop thinking of him as an ahole trying to piss you off. He is a suffering kid with screen addiction who needs intervention asap.

Ok next thing; back to the siblings, yes there is no way to get rid of screens, you work from home etc. But you may have to come up with a family plan for screens that drastically lowers your family’s screen time generally. You’ll basically have to say to your other kids x is struggling, we as a family need to support him and have a plan to do it. I’m not saying remove their phones totally but in the house figuring out a plan.

And don’t be worried about this person getting this camp or that. This son is absolutely going to need more money, more intervention right now. In 5 years another kid might need something else and you will be there for them. If it was me, I would have him at a fantastic screen free summer camp (there are many) for most of the summer. It may be too late for that but honestly it’s possible you could still get in a 3 or 4 week one that starts end of July.

But probably before that you need to talk to someone experienced with true screen addiction and get their recommendations for next steps. It’s going to be uncomfortable for all of you to solve this but going on like this won’t end well. He’s showing all the signs - disinterest in everything else, behaviors to keep the addiction going, unable to stop etc etc

Anonymous wrote:I have an impulsive video-game loving kid of around the same age. It’s hard. I found some of these videos useful about dopamine and video games. We even showed the dopamine part to our kids when we were discussing changing screen rules.

https://cliffordsussmanmd.com/free-videos/

Anonymous wrote:PP above. I will also caution that most camps, military and boarding schools and even Outward Bound do not have the resources your child needs. He needs intensive psychiatric and psychological care.