It’s complicated because she is this way due to the way your parents have trained her to be.

If your parents CAN help her, it would be nice, though.

From another side, my parent (other parent died young) was well off, but would not help me at all because my step parent was so adamant that I learn to stand on my own two feet. This meant student loans for me, and when I graduated I worked my new job AND a non-paying night nanny job that gave me free board until I could save enough for down payments on an apartment. Parent would not help with dental treatment I needed in my early 20s at that time, and would not pay for plane tickets for me to come home for holidays, so I stopped going back and haven’t seen them for years. There were some other financial emergencies, for essential things, not luxuries, because I had really high student loan payments too, and parent would not help with any of those. Parent has a beach house and travels internationally with new family regularly. It has really damaged our relationship, and maybe I am ungrateful because I really did have a good childhood, I guess, but at the same time I am now planning to help my own child as much as I can, including with a nicer apartment, because I want them to live in comfort and not worry and stress all the time during a period in their life when I want them to enjoy, socialize, and meet people. So I guess I will be like your parents? It’s better than the alternative.

Anonymous wrote:I'm with the other PP's. She needs to become independent and that means making compromises. Has she looked into a studio or 1BD in the same building?

She's 33 and I assume she's dating. Reverse the genders here.... who would find a mid-30's man living off the parents' dole to be an attractive catch??

If she can keep house, she's a catch. Men like a woman with rich parents.

OP should cry poverty to get her share, and consider it an early divvying up the inheritance.

Anonymous wrote:Sound like a younger version of my SIL. Wealthy parents meant she could go years between jobs. Currently an instructional assistant at a school in Oakton while living in a Tysons luxury high-rise. My in-laws pay for her apartment and just bought her a custom Porche. In-laws tell us they're worried about her future since she's 45 and single making $33k/year... but then call us mean when we suggest that they cut her off. Now we just change the topic immediately - no use in wasting air on a topic that isn't going to change.

OP’s sister doesn’t sound like this at all. She has a respectable, steady career and is just asking for a bit extra, not full lifestyle funding.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the insights. I'm not posing this question here to figure out a solution for my sister and parents, but rather, see how others would approach it. I have a young child, and DH and I have talked a little bit about how we want to be a safety net for our daughter as she gets older, but also want her to be independent. Given that this situation with my sister is happening now, it's made me reflect on how to create that balance in the future.

We will be a safety net for our kids--they are college and recently launched. However, that means having a full time job and living within your means. We help so they can save more for retirement and have a "nicer car", but wouldn't help if they were not financially stable.

In this case, your sister has no business having an animal. That restricts where you can live and costs money. She can work 2-3 months in the summer or get a weekend job during the school year. Heck, tutoring in most nicer areas like you describe will get her $50+/hr. Do that in evenings or weekends (10-12 hours per week) and she will be fine. Also if doing that, that is 10-12 less hours to party away and waste money. There are ways to figure it out. She is not "struggling" to survive. She just wants to live a better life than her job will allow. I would not finance that.

That is precisely what you are doing. Give me a break. You are exactly the same as OP's parents.

Nope! Our grown and flown kid can afford their nice apartment, their new car, everything they do and still afford to save for retirement. However, since we are UHNW we have chosen to start gifting them money now, when it matters the most. We want them to Max out their IRA and 401K plans. They would be putting aside about 20% without our help. They are not living in the most expensive place, but have a very nice place close to work. They do NOT need financial help to afford their 1 bedroom. They are downright frugal and love to save.

See the difference? While we do gift money, our kid has a great job, getting 10-15% raises each year, and chose a place to live that they can actually afford without any outside assistance. They still manage to save a lot even if we are not gifting them. So they (like any adult) live within a budget. They chose to have only basic furniture in their place because "they don't need more". They are incredibly grateful for our gifts and fo the big gift of having college paid for, as they have many friends who are now paying loans.

GIVE NOT GIFT

But regardless - I really find it hysterical that people here think that it's great to give money to kids who don't actually need it, but a crime, yes a crime, to give money to a kid for whom it would actually make a real difference in how they live.

You people are very funny.

Can you not see the difference? First case---the kid/young adult is quite capable of living on their own. They function like an adult---they live within their means and have a budget and manage to save money.
The other: wants to live above their means, expects people to bail them out, has no concept of finances or how to live within their means. That is not healthy for a 30+ yo. Giving them money will not help them grow up and learn to budget. Responsible adults do NOT spend money they do not have on "wants" (and not having a roommate and having a dog are "wants"). Vast majority of teachers manage to live just fine on their salaries, including many two teacher households. Why? Because they budget and make choices they can afford.

But you are not helping the adult who is not acting like an adult by just throwing money at the problem. it will never get any better if you do that.
And yes, I consider a spoiled brat of a 33 yo who "needs to live in a nice apartment without roommates and have pets and other expensive things" to be just that

Anonymous wrote:We would never pay for adult children to support themselves once they've finished school. We have public school teachers in my family and they all live within their means and support themselves fully.

If you choose to go into teaching/social work/any job that you know pays lower, then you need to accept that and choose a lifestyle you can support with it. If you "need" a new car every 4 years and a trip to Hawaii and Europe each year, then you should probably find a job that pays more.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the insights. I'm not posing this question here to figure out a solution for my sister and parents, but rather, see how others would approach it. I have a young child, and DH and I have talked a little bit about how we want to be a safety net for our daughter as she gets older, but also want her to be independent. Given that this situation with my sister is happening now, it's made me reflect on how to create that balance in the future.

We will be a safety net for our kids--they are college and recently launched. However, that means having a full time job and living within your means. We help so they can save more for retirement and have a "nicer car", but wouldn't help if they were not financially stable.

In this case, your sister has no business having an animal. That restricts where you can live and costs money. She can work 2-3 months in the summer or get a weekend job during the school year. Heck, tutoring in most nicer areas like you describe will get her $50+/hr. Do that in evenings or weekends (10-12 hours per week) and she will be fine. Also if doing that, that is 10-12 less hours to party away and waste money. There are ways to figure it out. She is not "struggling" to survive. She just wants to live a better life than her job will allow. I would not finance that.

LOTS OF PEOPLE HAVE PETS. Lots of people in lots of circumstances.

And even if you think that poor people shouldn't have pets - a position I do not share - OP's sister isn't poor! She just wants a nicer apartment than she could afford without parental help!

DCUM people are among the worst, most judgmental people in the world.

First, you should not live a lifestyle more than you can afford. Parents are not obligated to help with that.
Second, I love pets! But I would not encourage anyone to get an animal(s) until they can afford them. That means being on your own for a few year, saving a bit and knowing that you can actually afford to live your life as an adult. Having a pet means paying for a pet sitter/begging friends to watch them if you travel anywhere. Pets cost money.
Right now her sister cannot afford her lifestyle. She cannot find a place to live that she likes that she can afford. Having pets likely is NOT helping with that process.

I have a 24 yo. They are waiting a few years to get settled and make sure their finances are in order before getting a pet. They know it's not fair to a pet to be at work all day, then hang out with friends 2-3 days per week and not be around for the pet. Also they know if they want to fly home for xmas and other vacations, they need a pet sitter/friends who will watch their animal. That costs money. So until they are adequately saving for retirement and 6 month+ emergency fund, they don't want to add $200/month+ in costs (apartment fee for pets, food, supplies, vet expenses)

Sound like a younger version of my SIL. Wealthy parents meant she could go years between jobs. Currently a instructional assistant at a school in Oakton while living in a Tysons luxury high-rise. My in-laws pay for her apartment and just bought her a custom Porche. In-laws tell us they're worried about her future since she's 45 and single making $33k/year... but then call us mean when we suggest that they cut her off. Now we just change the topic immediately - no use in wasting air on a topic that isn't going to change.

OP needs to leave her sister alone. She had a roomate who moved. Nothing wrong with parents helping a bit.

Anonymous wrote:


This. If your parents have enough cash to give her a lump sum. Sounds like they help her out here and there anyway. Why not help her become a homeowner. They can give OP a lump sum as well to equal it up, or just leave more to OP in their will.


Sure, give her a lump sum. When the bathroom or roof have a leak, do you actually believe she will handle repairs on her own??

This. OP's 33 yo sister is behaving like a spoiled child. She chose a career that pays what it does. That equates to having to make budgetary decisions which she is unwilling to make. I am a parent of kids in their 20s and I drew a bright line when my eldest started acting like OP after graduating from college. We said that we would "invest" in things we thought were worth it to further her future---such as additional education but that came with expectations about her needing to be willing to delay short term gratification (e.g., we will help with grad school but you need to live at home, not in the cool location you prefer). So far DD is perpetually broke due to her choices (like OP's sis, she wants the "cool" area) but I have no intention of bailing her out until she demonstrates more responsibility. OP's parents should tell her sis to relocate to cheaper area she can afford, save up some sort of down payment and then agree to provide assistance in purchasing condo AFTER she has started demonstrating more responsibility.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Best approach would be to help her with down payment to buy a small condo she can afford and then let her handle it.

This. If your parents have enough cash to give her a lump sum. Sounds like they help her out here and there anyway. Why not help her become a homeowner. They can give OP a lump sum as well to equal it up, or just leave more to OP in their will.

Sure, give her a lump sum. When the bathroom or roof have a leak, do you actually believe she will handle repairs on her own??

+1 this type of person will always be looking to their parents to bail them out. That's their go to, rather than trying to figure out how to stand on their own two feet before reaching out for help.

I'm not opposed to helping my AC if they need it, but not if they don't seem to be trying to help themselves first.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Best approach would be to help her with down payment to buy a small condo she can afford and then let her handle it.

This. If your parents have enough cash to give her a lump sum. Sounds like they help her out here and there anyway. Why not help her become a homeowner. They can give OP a lump sum as well to equal it up, or just leave more to OP in their will.

Sure, give her a lump sum. When the bathroom or roof have a leak, do you actually believe she will handle repairs on her own??

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the insights. I'm not posing this question here to figure out a solution for my sister and parents, but rather, see how others would approach it. I have a young child, and DH and I have talked a little bit about how we want to be a safety net for our daughter as she gets older, but also want her to be independent. Given that this situation with my sister is happening now, it's made me reflect on how to create that balance in the future.

We will be a safety net for our kids--they are college and recently launched. However, that means having a full time job and living within your means. We help so they can save more for retirement and have a "nicer car", but wouldn't help if they were not financially stable.

In this case, your sister has no business having an animal. That restricts where you can live and costs money. She can work 2-3 months in the summer or get a weekend job during the school year. Heck, tutoring in most nicer areas like you describe will get her $50+/hr. Do that in evenings or weekends (10-12 hours per week) and she will be fine. Also if doing that, that is 10-12 less hours to party away and waste money. There are ways to figure it out. She is not "struggling" to survive. She just wants to live a better life than her job will allow. I would not finance that.

That is precisely what you are doing. Give me a break. You are exactly the same as OP's parents.

Nope! Our grown and flown kid can afford their nice apartment, their new car, everything they do and still afford to save for retirement. However, since we are UHNW we have chosen to start gifting them money now, when it matters the most. We want them to Max out their IRA and 401K plans. They would be putting aside about 20% without our help. They are not living in the most expensive place, but have a very nice place close to work. They do NOT need financial help to afford their 1 bedroom. They are downright frugal and love to save.

See the difference? While we do gift money, our kid has a great job, getting 10-15% raises each year, and chose a place to live that they can actually afford without any outside assistance. They still manage to save a lot even if we are not gifting them. So they (like any adult) live within a budget. They chose to have only basic furniture in their place because "they don't need more". They are incredibly grateful for our gifts and fo the big gift of having college paid for, as they have many friends who are now paying loans.

GIVE NOT GIFT

Nope. In the context of this discussion, you’re the one who is showing her ignorance. I love when the grammarians come on these money threads to criticize posters who use of the word “gift” or “gifted.” Gift/gifted is the preferred term used by estate/tax attorneys, and they use it all the time. It is a quick, shorthand way of making the tax treatment of the money absolutely clear. “Gave” could mean a number of things (e.g. gave as a gift, gave as a loan, etc).

The more you know.

Anonymous wrote:Best approach would be to help her with down payment to buy a small condo she can afford and then let her handle it.

This. If your parents have enough cash to give her a lump sum. Sounds like they help her out here and there anyway. Why not help her become a homeowner. They can give OP a lump sum as well to equal it up, or just leave more to OP in their will.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the insights. I'm not posing this question here to figure out a solution for my sister and parents, but rather, see how others would approach it. I have a young child, and DH and I have talked a little bit about how we want to be a safety net for our daughter as she gets older, but also want her to be independent. Given that this situation with my sister is happening now, it's made me reflect on how to create that balance in the future.

We will be a safety net for our kids--they are college and recently launched. However, that means having a full time job and living within your means. We help so they can save more for retirement and have a "nicer car", but wouldn't help if they were not financially stable.

In this case, your sister has no business having an animal. That restricts where you can live and costs money. She can work 2-3 months in the summer or get a weekend job during the school year. Heck, tutoring in most nicer areas like you describe will get her $50+/hr. Do that in evenings or weekends (10-12 hours per week) and she will be fine. Also if doing that, that is 10-12 less hours to party away and waste money. There are ways to figure it out. She is not "struggling" to survive. She just wants to live a better life than her job will allow. I would not finance that.

That is precisely what you are doing. Give me a break. You are exactly the same as OP's parents.

Nope! Our grown and flown kid can afford their nice apartment, their new car, everything they do and still afford to save for retirement. However, since we are UHNW we have chosen to start gifting them money now, when it matters the most. We want them to Max out their IRA and 401K plans. They would be putting aside about 20% without our help. They are not living in the most expensive place, but have a very nice place close to work. They do NOT need financial help to afford their 1 bedroom. They are downright frugal and love to save.

See the difference? While we do gift money, our kid has a great job, getting 10-15% raises each year, and chose a place to live that they can actually afford without any outside assistance. They still manage to save a lot even if we are not gifting them. So they (like any adult) live within a budget. They chose to have only basic furniture in their place because "they don't need more". They are incredibly grateful for our gifts and fo the big gift of having college paid for, as they have many friends who are now paying loans.

GIVE NOT GIFT

But regardless - I really find it hysterical that people here think that it's great to give money to kids who don't actually need it, but a crime, yes a crime, to give money to a kid for whom it would actually make a real difference in how they live.

You people are very funny.