Anonymous
Post 05/23/2024 08:42     Subject: My school emails me nearly every day with a complaint about something dc has said and Idk what to do.
I would find another school. I have written a version of this many times before but think how this is feeling to your son, who is getting the equivalent of this message roughly 10x as often as you and *also* does know how to fix it. It’s incredibly toxic for them. Keep working on every intervention and medication you can but he will not thrive being called out like this all day every day. He needs a more tolerant and understanding environment.

My biggest parenting regret by FAR was leaving my child in this situation too long- it took years to rebuild their self esteem.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2024 08:35     Subject: My school emails me nearly every day with a complaint about something dc has said and Idk what to do.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Part of it is they’re trying to make you decide he’s not a fit. And it sounds like he’s not.

This. They can’t outright oust him so they are wearing you down in hopes to do it yourself. I point blank told our school that whatever they hope I will say to my child, we already say every single day, and I don’t want to be bothered about non-violent and minor things my child says.


To a parent it might seem minor. To the school, having potentially ten or more kids DC is upsetting (and ten parents complaining to teacher about your kid) with each incident - well it’s not so minor. People pay for private expecting the school to not tolerate this kind of behavior and address the situation.


Nail on the head. If I'm paying for my well behaved kid to attend a private school and they're coming home and telling me one kid is consistently causing disruptions and derailing class, I'd be pissed. Especially at age 10. I'd be more tolerant of it in early elementary but by 4th/5th grade it's time to get with the program or explore other options. Especially if he's been at the same school with the same kids for 4-5 years, I'm sure they're all over it too.


Pp what sn does your child struggle with that has never impacted any other child?


Inattentive-type ADHD + cognitive processing issues, thanks for asking? Have never had a call home for behavior. She's 2e and we opted for a private school with small classes that would minimize distraction and allow for individual attention. Her school has counseled out disruptive kids and I think it was warranted 🤷🏽‍♀️

And there's a big difference between "occasionally disruptive" and "daily calls home," again especially by age 10.

OP has said the school is a small private that focuses on SEL but is not SN. Consistent classroom disruptions are not going to be ignored in that environment, nor are they fair to the students who want a calm learning environment and instead the teacher is constantly redirecting a kid who's clearly not a good fit.


DP

I also have a 2e girl, that sounds similar to yours. Honestly, I think girls present differently, so we are comparing apples and oranages a bit. My daughter is in a strong academic private with a focus on SEL and Leadership development. I've seen them counsel out boys and turn around a compliment my daughter, because she's quiet. My daughter falls through the cracks while the boys are disruptive. The parents of both types of kids have to be vigilant always. That said, my older daughter was at the same school and was getting hit everyday on the playground by a kids that sounds a bit like OPs. The best thing the school did was ask him to leave. He ended up at an all boys school that takes kids with mild autism, adhd, and mild LDs. I hear he is thriving in his new school. OP need to be very open about his struggles when finding a new school placement. Those schools are out there and well within her budget. He probably doesn't need a school explicitly for SN, but one that caters to mild SN and average to above average intelligence. If she's in NYC there are plenty of options.


What are some of these options?
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2024 08:09     Subject: My school emails me nearly every day with a complaint about something dc has said and Idk what to do.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Teacher perspective, having worked at a private and now at public: we’ve tried everything on our end and we can’t get the student to stop doing whatever the difficult thing is. All we can do is send them to the office, and in the office they call parents. We need your help to make it stop and we’re grasping at straws. We want to inconvenience you enough that you make a big deal out of it so maybe the kid finally quits doing whatever the thing is that’s offensive.


Teacher perspective, with all due respect, that's way easier said than done.

Autism and ADHD are neurological disorders. One does not just decide to behave well or not.

Can you make a blind person quit not being able to see...like ask them to try harder at seeing?
Or a person with loss of hearing be able to hear?

It does not work that way.

Autism and ADHD are not just flip a switch and once you tell them "that's annoying" they just go, OK, and stop.
It does not work that way here either. If it did, that would be incredible! And yet here we are.

OP, please consider leaving this small private before they counsel you out (or maybe you are full pay and they need your money). Go to a public. They will still call you, and call you, and email you there too (ask me how I know). Sooner or later you will get an IEP for your student and hopefully it will be one piece of the puzzle in finding success. Good luck!


Actually, it kind of does work that way.

You can HELP a blind person to "see" with sound if they are completely blind, which is why they carry a clicker or stick. A deaf person has a a larger set of options and if they choose can carry a pen and paper.

If your kid is neurodivergent you are correct that you cannot change how their brain works, but you very much can teach them to thrive in the world as it is using different abilities that they have intrinsically.

Example
Some ASD kids don't feel empathy the way others do, but they can understand it like a math equation.

Other example
My ADHD kid carries a pocket sized organizer and writes everything he might forget immediately. He only needs to remember one thing now and we set a timer on his watch for that.

Neuro divergent kids need to learn coping mechanisms that help the individual function. It's worth taking the time to explore those with your therapist. It's not a one sized fits all solution; it's bespoke for each kid.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2024 08:04     Subject: My school emails me nearly every day with a complaint about something dc has said and Idk what to do.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How old is he?


op - 10.
they emailed today to say he did something else hurtful and they would be calling to explain.
i dont mean to be defensive but part of me wants to just say - look why dont I come pick him up and we'll skip the rest of the week and you can all have a break and so can he.


Why do you think it is he has such hurtful impulses?
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2024 07:57     Subject: My school emails me nearly every day with a complaint about something dc has said and Idk what to do.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Part of it is they’re trying to make you decide he’s not a fit. And it sounds like he’s not.

This. They can’t outright oust him so they are wearing you down in hopes to do it yourself. I point blank told our school that whatever they hope I will say to my child, we already say every single day, and I don’t want to be bothered about non-violent and minor things my child says.


To a parent it might seem minor. To the school, having potentially ten or more kids DC is upsetting (and ten parents complaining to teacher about your kid) with each incident - well it’s not so minor. People pay for private expecting the school to not tolerate this kind of behavior and address the situation.


Nail on the head. If I'm paying for my well behaved kid to attend a private school and they're coming home and telling me one kid is consistently causing disruptions and derailing class, I'd be pissed. Especially at age 10. I'd be more tolerant of it in early elementary but by 4th/5th grade it's time to get with the program or explore other options. Especially if he's been at the same school with the same kids for 4-5 years, I'm sure they're all over it too.


Pp what sn does your child struggle with that has never impacted any other child?


Inattentive-type ADHD + cognitive processing issues, thanks for asking? Have never had a call home for behavior. She's 2e and we opted for a private school with small classes that would minimize distraction and allow for individual attention. Her school has counseled out disruptive kids and I think it was warranted 🤷🏽‍♀️

And there's a big difference between "occasionally disruptive" and "daily calls home," again especially by age 10.

OP has said the school is a small private that focuses on SEL but is not SN. Consistent classroom disruptions are not going to be ignored in that environment, nor are they fair to the students who want a calm learning environment and instead the teacher is constantly redirecting a kid who's clearly not a good fit.


DP

I also have a 2e girl, that sounds similar to yours. Honestly, I think girls present differently, so we are comparing apples and oranages a bit. My daughter is in a strong academic private with a focus on SEL and Leadership development. I've seen them counsel out boys and turn around a compliment my daughter, because she's quiet. My daughter falls through the cracks while the boys are disruptive. The parents of both types of kids have to be vigilant always. That said, my older daughter was at the same school and was getting hit everyday on the playground by a kids that sounds a bit like OPs. The best thing the school did was ask him to leave. He ended up at an all boys school that takes kids with mild autism, adhd, and mild LDs. I hear he is thriving in his new school. OP need to be very open about his struggles when finding a new school placement. Those schools are out there and well within her budget. He probably doesn't need a school explicitly for SN, but one that caters to mild SN and average to above average intelligence. If she's in NYC there are plenty of options.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2024 00:23     Subject: My school emails me nearly every day with a complaint about something dc has said and Idk what to do.
I wouldn't answer the phone anymore
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2024 00:21     Subject: My school emails me nearly every day with a complaint about something dc has said and Idk what to do.
Anonymous wrote:Teacher perspective, having worked at a private and now at public: we’ve tried everything on our end and we can’t get the student to stop doing whatever the difficult thing is. All we can do is send them to the office, and in the office they call parents. We need your help to make it stop and we’re grasping at straws. We want to inconvenience you enough that you make a big deal out of it so maybe the kid finally quits doing whatever the thing is that’s offensive.


Teacher perspective, with all due respect, that's way easier said than done.

Autism and ADHD are neurological disorders. One does not just decide to behave well or not.

Can you make a blind person quit not being able to see...like ask them to try harder at seeing?
Or a person with loss of hearing be able to hear?

It does not work that way.

Autism and ADHD are not just flip a switch and once you tell them "that's annoying" they just go, OK, and stop.
It does not work that way here either. If it did, that would be incredible! And yet here we are.

OP, please consider leaving this small private before they counsel you out (or maybe you are full pay and they need your money). Go to a public. They will still call you, and call you, and email you there too (ask me how I know). Sooner or later you will get an IEP for your student and hopefully it will be one piece of the puzzle in finding success. Good luck!
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2024 00:07     Subject: My school emails me nearly every day with a complaint about something dc has said and Idk what to do.
op it sounds like your dc goes to a private like ours where as long as kids are academically on track, they aren't too concerned (until situations like you describe).

It's much easier to counsel out a kid with 'obvious' learning disabilities because those kids are in some ways much more of an issue for teachers and other kids at younger ages in that they cant keep up with the class and derail learning from a young age, and plus there are sn schools geared towards them. Whereas kids who are keeping up with learning 'blend in' for much longer - until they dont. Private mainstream schools are always going to be more focused on academics than social skills and consider that more important. It's a q for you as to whether you think keeping your dc in behavioral norm territory is going to be achievable
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2024 00:00     Subject: My school emails me nearly every day with a complaint about something dc has said and Idk what to do.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Part of it is they’re trying to make you decide he’s not a fit. And it sounds like he’s not.

This. They can’t outright oust him so they are wearing you down in hopes to do it yourself. I point blank told our school that whatever they hope I will say to my child, we already say every single day, and I don’t want to be bothered about non-violent and minor things my child says.


To a parent it might seem minor. To the school, having potentially ten or more kids DC is upsetting (and ten parents complaining to teacher about your kid) with each incident - well it’s not so minor. People pay for private expecting the school to not tolerate this kind of behavior and address the situation.


Nail on the head. If I'm paying for my well behaved kid to attend a private school and they're coming home and telling me one kid is consistently causing disruptions and derailing class, I'd be pissed. Especially at age 10. I'd be more tolerant of it in early elementary but by 4th/5th grade it's time to get with the program or explore other options. Especially if he's been at the same school with the same kids for 4-5 years, I'm sure they're all over it too.


Pp what sn does your child struggle with that has never impacted any other child?


Inattentive-type ADHD + cognitive processing issues, thanks for asking? Have never had a call home for behavior. She's 2e and we opted for a private school with small classes that would minimize distraction and allow for individual attention. Her school has counseled out disruptive kids and I think it was warranted 🤷🏽‍♀️

And there's a big difference between "occasionally disruptive" and "daily calls home," again especially by age 10.

OP has said the school is a small private that focuses on SEL but is not SN. Consistent classroom disruptions are not going to be ignored in that environment, nor are they fair to the students who want a calm learning environment and instead the teacher is constantly redirecting a kid who's clearly not a good fit.


our school has consistently counseled out inattentive adhd above kids with impulse control issues. they consider it more distracting for students overall to have a kid who isn't able to independently self regulate attention and thus distracting others with inability to attend. kids with occasional behavioral flares are overall in some ways less disruptive.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2024 23:55     Subject: My school emails me nearly every day with a complaint about something dc has said and Idk what to do.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Teacher perspective, having worked at a private and now at public: we’ve tried everything on our end and we can’t get the student to stop doing whatever the difficult thing is. All we can do is send them to the office, and in the office they call parents. We need your help to make it stop and we’re grasping at straws. We want to inconvenience you enough that you make a big deal out of it so maybe the kid finally quits doing whatever the thing is that’s offensive.


do you have a sn child?


I do not. Your child’s teachers will not experience him the same way his mother does.


If you don’t have a child with sn then wtf are you doing on this board weighing into this conversation?


It pops up on Recent Topics. The OP asked why the school does this and I answered why the school does this.


This board is for parents of kids with sn. Specifically. If that is not you then your opinion is neither wanted nor needed here now or ever


DP
Relax. You are not in control. If you don't like people's posts, ignore them.


Pp is right. I will report the post to Jeff. The teacher should not be posting here.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2024 23:45     Subject: My school emails me nearly every day with a complaint about something dc has said and Idk what to do.
Anonymous wrote:Op - it’s not a sn school (he does not qualify for one) but they do have an entirely social emotionally focused curriculum.

I don’t mind that they are calling me I kind that I don’t know what to do or what they expect of me beyond what I’m already doing of which they are aware


I wonder if the problem *is* that they have an entirely social emotionally focused curriculum, because these often suck. At the best, they do roughly nothing. At the worst, they encourage people to be on hair triggers -- e.g. freaking out and calling mom when a child references the empirically fact that Greek markets had slaves. An autistic kid is not going to realize -- because it isn't explicitly taught! -- that this is exactly the kind of thing that will freak out the social-emotional crowd.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2024 23:41     Subject: My school emails me nearly every day with a complaint about something dc has said and Idk what to do.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Part of it is they’re trying to make you decide he’s not a fit. And it sounds like he’s not.

This. They can’t outright oust him so they are wearing you down in hopes to do it yourself. I point blank told our school that whatever they hope I will say to my child, we already say every single day, and I don’t want to be bothered about non-violent and minor things my child says.


To a parent it might seem minor. To the school, having potentially ten or more kids DC is upsetting (and ten parents complaining to teacher about your kid) with each incident - well it’s not so minor. People pay for private expecting the school to not tolerate this kind of behavior and address the situation.


Nail on the head. If I'm paying for my well behaved kid to attend a private school and they're coming home and telling me one kid is consistently causing disruptions and derailing class, I'd be pissed. Especially at age 10. I'd be more tolerant of it in early elementary but by 4th/5th grade it's time to get with the program or explore other options. Especially if he's been at the same school with the same kids for 4-5 years, I'm sure they're all over it too.


Pp what sn does your child struggle with that has never impacted any other child?


Inattentive-type ADHD + cognitive processing issues, thanks for asking? Have never had a call home for behavior. She's 2e and we opted for a private school with small classes that would minimize distraction and allow for individual attention. Her school has counseled out disruptive kids and I think it was warranted 🤷🏽‍♀️

And there's a big difference between "occasionally disruptive" and "daily calls home," again especially by age 10.

OP has said the school is a small private that focuses on SEL but is not SN. Consistent classroom disruptions are not going to be ignored in that environment, nor are they fair to the students who want a calm learning environment and instead the teacher is constantly redirecting a kid who's clearly not a good fit.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2024 23:40     Subject: My school emails me nearly every day with a complaint about something dc has said and Idk what to do.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Teacher perspective, having worked at a private and now at public: we’ve tried everything on our end and we can’t get the student to stop doing whatever the difficult thing is. All we can do is send them to the office, and in the office they call parents. We need your help to make it stop and we’re grasping at straws. We want to inconvenience you enough that you make a big deal out of it so maybe the kid finally quits doing whatever the thing is that’s offensive.


do you have a sn child?


I do not. Your child’s teachers will not experience him the same way his mother does.


If you don’t have a child with sn then wtf are you doing on this board weighing into this conversation?


It pops up on Recent Topics. The OP asked why the school does this and I answered why the school does this.


This board is for parents of kids with sn. Specifically. If that is not you then your opinion is neither wanted nor needed here now or ever


DP
Relax. You are not in control. If you don't like people's posts, ignore them.


NP. You’re pretty patronizing. Does that make you feel like a big girl?
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2024 23:20     Subject: My school emails me nearly every day with a complaint about something dc has said and Idk what to do.
Anonymous wrote:Sorry you're struggling with this, OP. I know what it's like to feel like everyone is blaming you for behavior you don't condone and have in fact tried for years to stop.

I hear that you say your kid doesn't qualify for SN privates, but there are privates for kids who need more support. Some are SN privates, and some are traditional privates with more openness to neurodivergent kids. I'm not sure you need to change schools, but if you decide to, these are worth seriously considering, especially as you approach middle school. I was super hesitant about this road myself for a similar kid, but it really has been a godsend.

It also infuriates me when schools seem to think we at home have some magic that can fix things. Trust me, if I did, they wouldn't need to call me on the first place! Our kid's therapist even recommended to us at one point that we keep school and home separate and don't give consequences at home for school issues (although that may vary by kid and situation). Much of my kid's school behavior is also so different from home that it's hard to really enforce something - like, he has went through a period of swearing a lot at school but didn't swear at all at home. I try to remind myself that they are reaching out to partner and approach it that way, but I do think there is an outdated idea for some teachers that the behavior is somewhat about lax parenting.


op - ty for this. i think this may be the answer. there are some privates in nyc that have supports for sn kids; the reason we haven't gone down that path so far is that ds has been happy and done well up until now. I guess I wonder whether one of these privates (which are also expensive) is better than a 'good' burb public which also has services.
the bolded is also 100%. I think this was my badly articulated frustration. It's that they seem to think I can 'fix' dc's autism.
'if i had a nickel' (literally) for every single thing we've said or podcast we've listened to or book read about kindness and perspectives I would be a billionaire. Our younger dc who is nt and on the accidental receiving end of all this is so ridiculously nice and mature and kind as a result that the school suggested accelerating him a year due to maturity level.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2024 22:59     Subject: My school emails me nearly every day with a complaint about something dc has said and Idk what to do.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Part of it is they’re trying to make you decide he’s not a fit. And it sounds like he’s not.

This. They can’t outright oust him so they are wearing you down in hopes to do it yourself. I point blank told our school that whatever they hope I will say to my child, we already say every single day, and I don’t want to be bothered about non-violent and minor things my child says.


To a parent it might seem minor. To the school, having potentially ten or more kids DC is upsetting (and ten parents complaining to teacher about your kid) with each incident - well it’s not so minor. People pay for private expecting the school to not tolerate this kind of behavior and address the situation.


Nail on the head. If I'm paying for my well behaved kid to attend a private school and they're coming home and telling me one kid is consistently causing disruptions and derailing class, I'd be pissed. Especially at age 10. I'd be more tolerant of it in early elementary but by 4th/5th grade it's time to get with the program or explore other options. Especially if he's been at the same school with the same kids for 4-5 years, I'm sure they're all over it too.


Pp what sn does your child struggle with that has never impacted any other child?