I'm sorry you're going through this.

Having said that, you will def need space to vent (not to your kids) and cool off. You cannot control him being there or his exposure to your kids. Accepting that, eventually, will be a big step to your . . . recovery or moving forward.

You will be around him, also. And frankly, you will need to be. The most successful divorces I know of are ones where they eventually -out of desire or just necessity- were able to reach a state of polite amicability. If nothing else, then for the kids.

My own, and my DH, were from situations where that didn't happen (and there was an affair on one side). The various factions couldn't be in the same room together, at events. It was 2 (times 2, for 4) of everything. We finally told them to grow the F up and that wasn't happening. The divorces were many years ago and they could move on and be civil at graduations, sports, events, etc. or they wouldn't be invited. The divorce was not our doing. And while it isn't yours, it is yours to deal with (unfortunately).

You have to find a way to make it work at some point. PIck your battles. And move on. For your kids. And for you.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:I am in the camp of not ever meeting the AP. I can't see how a man would actually shake hand with a guy who has some responsibility in his divorce. This is the problem folks pretend it's about the kids no it's not. It's about appeasing the guilty ex.

Absolutely. XW needs OP to keep everything copacetic so new guy doesn't get too spooked and ruin her dreams. Unless this guy is a total.sociopath I doubt he wants daily emotional reminders of what a huge POS both he and XW are

OP, I am in a similar situation. XW and her AP have been together now for a few years. If she decided to tell me that she wants to introduce our kids to him, I've been mentally preparing for this. I will tell her that as soon as one kid says they don't want to be there, I will take that kid 100% of the time. The AP is the definition of toxic masculinity and while my XW might enjoy it, there is no way I am going to have my little daughter think that this is how men act and have her get used to being around someone who doesn't have boundaries, respect for women, etc.

The reason I share this with you is perhaps you take a stance that as soon as a kid mentions they don't like it there, that you make clear your home is always open to them and they can stay as long as they want.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. You are entitled to this rant.

OP, that sucks.

If it makes you feel any better, MIL did this, too, and it took years for H to get along with new husband. His father took off and left when he found out, too, so it’s not like he had a father to count on.

You can’t be replaced. You are their dad. That will never change. Keep showing up for them.

Op I know someone who was in your shoes. The ex ended up marrying the AP and the father has less than 50/50 custody. He didn’t remarry either. He was so destroyed by what happened to his fam and marriage. A nice, successful guy too.

It really sucks. No decent person deserves to have their marriage end that way. Keep doing the work to find happiness again, and put yourself and your kids front and center. You only have one life - this is a major setback, but don’t let it define you.

OP, with your kids being so affected by this upheaval as well, the best thing you can do for them is to stay in therapy yourself and stay active in their lives (including being aware of who your ex is dating). You’re strong. Try to keep your thoughts clear, for them. Once you get to the point that you can detach emotionally with both your ex and her boyfriend(s), the more you’ll know you’re making good progress. Your goal: treat the badly behaving adults coolly for now (while stepping in to protect the kids if ever needed), and your kids warmly, always.

The hard part is that you have every reason to be angry, hurt, grieving—but, the impressions made on your kids right now are so important. Don’t drag them into your reactions—save that for therapy. And try subverting your ex’s drama by making your life better in subtle but significant ways: eg, maybe get into the habit of going for a run or to the gym and eating healthfully. Save your sanity.

From experience watching other families go through this (including a dear friend whose husband married his longtime girlfriend the day after their divorce was final), it will be tough on your kids in the short term (6 months-year). Very tough--new routine, new person to get used to; they'll want you to reunite with their mother, etc. After about a year, assuming no upheavals in living arrangements, then things should be smoother. Courage, sir. My heart goes out to you, and as someone else posted, karma is real.

OP I am more concerned that your kids will likely meet another man less than 1 year from now. Most relationships with AP post divorce don't have a good track record. When you start seeing the guy/gal on a full time basis their true character shows, list will be gone, reality will sick in....I am sure you had your shortcomings in the marriage no doubt about it we are not perfect. But someone who elects to have an AP is different from the rest of us. Their though process is very different. They tend to be people who for whatever reason they think they deserve the best at all time. For these people it's always someone else's fault. For this reason I strongly recommend that you put everything in the rear view mirror. Focus on the kids when you have them and you have a son who is about to be a teen (challenging years). If you do that your children will end up even better than the kids who grew up in son called 2 parents household that are just that on paper. If you follow cheaters to the gutter you will end up in there. Yes her to deaths. Trust me her so called moment of euphoria will be done soon. And that time even though you are divorced don't be surprised if she blames you for her new misery. Good luck

OP, just offering support to you. You seem like a decent man and a great Dad and I'm sorry for what happened to you.

I don't know what the financial arrangement is post-divorce, but if you are paying alimony, know that her living together with someone will make that stop. Consult your attorney.

Anonymous wrote:I have been divorced for 6 months now and ex wife is currently living with her affair partner. We have joint custody 50/50. She gave me heads up that she is going to introduce our kids to her boyfriend (no longer an AP he has been upgraded). I wish I could stop my children from not meeting her AP. I know I can't. I am just here to vent my frustrations. I'm fine with the divorce, I am doing well mentally and physically l. However it's killing me inside that this guy will now get to meet my kids and there is nothing I can do about it. This sucks. I would be fine if was some new guy she met post divorce but come the guy she cheated me on with...ok the rant is over thanks for reading.........

Resist the desire to badmouth him, her, or provide details about the affair. You will be better off in the long run.

How old are the children.

Truth is good.
I told my kids of the affair partner and that was the reason for the divorce.
I didn’t go into details (several years of affair) but I will reveal slowly over time and as they can handle

^ out of YOUR control

Oh, you will meet him if she’s with him forever. Just get used to it. Accept that some things are out of control now and live your life the way you want to.