Anonymous wrote:The posters here are crazy. The only thing that even brings to approach a line is the hand holding, which is no big deal.

Seriously? I don't think of myself as unusually sensitive about these things, but it would be a very big deal to me if my husband were going around holding hands with another woman. (I don't read this as like, the group linked arms for a photo.)

If I ever write out an 11 point missive about any of my male colleagues for any reason at all, I hope someone snaps me back into reality.

OP stop the navel gazing and commit to your marriage or be a decent human and file for divorce. People, I swear.

Anonymous wrote:About ten years ago I had a similar relationship with a colleague but on a business trip he suggested we get adjoining rooms and that set off my radar. I didn’t confront him but I simply stopped replying to after hour non work related texts and I stayed friendly but distant. Work husbands can be a real slippery slope.

Men always try bc they figure why not.

It’s genuinely irritating.

whats the deal with the Chinese name...one of you Asian?

Sharing about relationships, marriages, and certain details is weird. My boss knows nothing about my past relationships. That’s true regardless of my boss’ gender.

#8 and on stand out as emotionally overstepping that line

Anonymous wrote:The holding hands…that crossed a line. And texting into the night, too.

Exactly my thoughts.
Plus knowing every detail/ whereabouts everyday.
This is already subtle emotional affair.

I think it doesn’t matter because I’m guessing it’s prohibited in your office (or if it’s not, that’s a sign of not a great workspace). If you don’t see the harm in pursuing intimacy in the cloak of friendship for a SUBORDINATE YOUNGER FEMALE THAT REPORTS TO YOU I don’t know what to say. Lock your shit down before you get fired.

This is an emotional affair. #3 and beyond just no. I actually think this is worse than a physical affair.

Cut it off.

How would you feel if all the personal, late night, work trip communications ended?

About ten years ago I had a similar relationship with a colleague but on a business trip he suggested we get adjoining rooms and that set off my radar. I didn’t confront him but I simply stopped replying to after hour non work related texts and I stayed friendly but distant. Work husbands can be a real slippery slope.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The New Yorker had a short film about it

oops, here's the link: https://www.newyorker.com/video/watch/sparring-partner

That was really good, thanks for sharing.

I liked it too. Wish they were both married, though.

Why what would be different ?

Because of the power dynamics, he has a wife, and she's single; she wants to change the status quo more than he does.

both married; same outcome

Not necessarily, this is very similar to the friendship I have with my coworker. We are both married and neither looking to leave our family so we easily enjoy our time together.

Right. In the movie she wants him to leave and be with her. When both EA partners are married, they rarely want such development.

I think in OP’s case, don’t think plan of leaving family. Just that both hit it well but very mindful however risk of crossing the line is relatively high. One does not want unintended consequences. I will think need to reduce text late at night. Holding hands should be avoided. One can enjoy each other conmpany without going physical, though it can be hard to maintain control

For sure there is no plan to leave family. Enjoying each other company is fine but hard to navigate the underlying tension hence have to be handled with care. In recent weeks, had a business trip together. We got into a service residence stay. She had a two bedroom apartment and mine a one bedroom apartment. She hinted that is OK to share room with a male friend if separate bed. She was referring to an upcoming wedding reception of a friend. I told her not sure that would be appropriate even if husband is being broad minded about this. She asked my view, I advised she should not push the envelope as perception can also be a reality even if nothing happens inside the bedroom. She then responded that she will adhere the advice and not pursue the option. Bizarre conversation though.

My DH had what I would call an emotional affair. So let’s compare notes:

-texting into the night. Where is your wife? Next to you in bed? Giving you a back rub that you asked for while you are texting the other woman?
Or are you with your family and while everyone is expecting you to engage with them, you are engaging with your PA?
-conversations about personal things. might be fine, but again, all in context. Have you turned your wife down for sex (that you barely have) in order to support your PA while she needs to talk to you?
-Traveling together - Are you going out for more than drinks? Staying out late? Getting drunk together and staying up until 4am together? Do you see her outside of work functions?
-How do you talk about her? Or do you avoid talking about her? Do you compare her to your wife or talk to your kids about her?
-Hand holding? Not sure what to say about that. Unless you are holding her up from falling, that is a level of intimacy that you wouldn’t share with your guy friends.

Emotional affairs happen when you are neglecting the relationship with your wife. When that person becomes the emotional connection that you should have with your significant other. It can be very close to a good friendship, but the difference is that you would have a very solid relationship with your wife and this is an addition to your life and not a replacement.

I am not sure if my DH (soon to be ex) slept with his emotional affair. After a while, I stopped caring about opening up emotionally when he was having that connection with someone else.

Other thing you need to watch for is a sexual harassment suit. Holding hands, texting, etc. and then you give her a bad review. And she claims it is because she didn’t want to hold your hand anymore or felt like she had to do these things in order to keep her job. Everything is great until it isn’t. And you have no idea what is in her head. This is a dangerous line for a supervisor/assistant relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM skews VERY conservative when it comes to relationships, OP.

My line is: no evidence that can be used against you, against your wife and kids, and against the close friends in your life.

This means in practice: no sex. If you do it, you can always be found out if someone is on your trail. There is always a trail.

But not just that: no appearance of sex. No hanging out in hotels, no romantic dinners just the two of you, no coming and going at either of your homes, nothing that can be caught by a PI and spilled in public as "evidence".

You are free to have a crush on her and she on you. Anything that doesn't scream "they're together!" is allowed.

But no evidence.

In other words, stay away.

Not concervative at all

DCUM is "conservative" about such things in the sense that many people on the Relationship Forum seek to shame and guilt everyone into socially acceptable behavior. But seeking to impose your flavor of morality on others is ineffective, and ultimately rude and offensive. Who are you to tell others how to think?

However, reminding people of the practical fallout of certain decisions is a lot more effective. I don't judge OP, or anyone else who has a physical or emotional affair. Why would I throw stones? I know nothing about their lives and what they've gone through. I am here to warn them of all the potential harm that could come to their children, their friends, their relatives, their spouses, their affair partner, and themselves, if the public finds out, and a boss fires someone, playdates dry up, a move becomes necessary, or suddenly your household income cannot stretch to all your previous luxuries because it now has to support two separate households.

Proceed with caution. You don't want to shoot yourself in the foot.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posters here are crazy. The only thing that even brings to approach a line is the hand holding, which is no big deal.

texting at night and weekends because spouse will get suspicious needs to stop.

Texting at night and weekends is suspicious? That's a weird take.

No it's not a weird take. Work people almost always confine their texting to work hours. And work people who aren't friends usually communicate using office software not phone number text messaging (think Teams chat, Slack, etc. vs. text messaging to cell phone number).

Yeah and even if your work demands long or unusual hours they rarely text about non-work, non-urgent/major stuff on off hours. Closing a big deal after a late night call with the client? Yes to texting. Random chat about life late at night? No.