I would never cancel plans with other people as punishment. That is incredibly rude, I cannot believe other people think that is acceptable. So incredibly self centered not to think about how her actions impact other people.

OP, I would ask your friend to please find another way to punish her child. Especially since it sounds like your son doesn’t have many friends, I would tell her how you feel. And if she still decides to take away the golf outing, then definitely tell her you’re going to do something special to make it up to your son.

Honestly, the fact that she is even considering this would piss me off and I’d try to move away from this friendship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on what the infraction is, personally. If my kid did something minor, I'm not going to affect another kid. I'm going to take screen time or add extra chores or something as a consequence.

If he does something major - for sure, I'm going to keep him home from the special thing.

But there are many other options for consequences that don't involve upsetting another family's plans. Canceling social engagements after plans have been made is incredibly rude.

It's their choice. Maybe nothing else worked? OP was told in advanced. It's not like it was a last minute thing so she can make other plans. I'd cancel it if my child was behaving badly or grades were bad.

Its incredibly ill-mannered to cancel social plans once already made for any reason besides illness or emergencies.

My child knows the consequences. It's not ill-mannered as it's the only thing that gets their attention. They are not on electronics much at home beyond homework and they are busy with activities.

You sound extremely rigid and lacking in imagination. Can't think of another way to drive the point? And if your child knows the consequences and it gets their attention why do you keep doing it over and over again? Apparently it's not working.

Anonymous wrote:I'd just be frank: well DS will be disappointed and we may need to change our plans so it's likely I don't be able to go shopping with you.

If she dared to act pissed, then I'd just point out: now imagine how my DS will feel.

And fade on her in the future.

I love this! If the friend thinks OP’s son shouldn’t mind canceled plans, it would be pretty hypocritical for her to get upset over the same situation.

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Anonymous wrote:Your pissed she's discipling her kid? You think your kid's fun plan and lack of resiliency is her issue?

Seriously. I cannot believe OP is complaining because her child's friend's parent is discipling her child. This is insane and incredibly entitled.

Agree, it's one thing if they forgot, but if the child isn't behaving, it's an appropriate consequence. Take your child or tell them no. Good for the parent for disciplining their child.

Its rude AF. No wonder the child is misbehaving with such a boorish and self-centered mother.

Tell it to the kid who is misbehaving. You may not give consequences to your kids as either they are perfect or you refuse to parent but many of us do parent and our kids know our rules and expectations.

What an asinine logical leap to go from if you don’t cancel social plans then you must not give any consequences. Like what? Did you read what you wrote before you posted? Are you really so uncreative that you can’t think of any other fitting punishment?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your pissed she's discipling her kid? You think your kid's fun plan and lack of resiliency is her issue?

Seriously. I cannot believe OP is complaining because her child's friend's parent is discipling her child. This is insane and incredibly entitled.

Agree, it's one thing if they forgot, but if the child isn't behaving, it's an appropriate consequence. Take your child or tell them no. Good for the parent for disciplining their child.

Its rude AF. No wonder the child is misbehaving with such a boorish and self-centered mother.

Tell it to the kid who is misbehaving. You may not give consequences to your kids as either they are perfect or you refuse to parent but many of us do parent and our kids know our rules and expectations.

You are raising ill-mannered boors. Parent better.

My kids are very mannered and far from boors. They know the consequences and to behave. And, if they don't, we follow through.

If they have manners or any social graces, they didn't learn them from you.

Anonymous wrote:I think it sucks to mete out punishments that punish other kids too

This is the issue. She can punish her kid some other way. Surely he has tech than can be taken away or another friend-date to no show.

I would not go with her OP, I would be pissed that her action impacted my kid.

I would instead join my kids and DH on a day of driving range.

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Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on what the infraction is, personally. If my kid did something minor, I'm not going to affect another kid. I'm going to take screen time or add extra chores or something as a consequence.

If he does something major - for sure, I'm going to keep him home from the special thing.

But there are many other options for consequences that don't involve upsetting another family's plans. Canceling social engagements after plans have been made is incredibly rude.

It's their choice. Maybe nothing else worked? OP was told in advanced. It's not like it was a last minute thing so she can make other plans. I'd cancel it if my child was behaving badly or grades were bad.

Its incredibly ill-mannered to cancel social plans once already made for any reason besides illness or emergencies.

My child knows the consequences. It's not ill-mannered as it's the only thing that gets their attention. They are not on electronics much at home beyond homework and they are busy with activities.

WOW! Everything is all about you. Talk about having main character syndrome. Manners are about how you treat *other people*.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on what the infraction is, personally. If my kid did something minor, I'm not going to affect another kid. I'm going to take screen time or add extra chores or something as a consequence.

If he does something major - for sure, I'm going to keep him home from the special thing.

But there are many other options for consequences that don't involve upsetting another family's plans. Canceling social engagements after plans have been made is incredibly rude.

+1

One of our big family values is honoring commitments. So unless it was a big group thing where my kid wouldn’t necessarily be too missed if he didn’t attend, we would go and I would explain why we are going (b/c it was prescheduled) but otherwise [insert other consequences] apply. There are so many other ways to punish a kid than behaving in your own bad behavior of bailing on someone last minute.

If another family did that to us, I would make a mental note and likely hold off on 1:1 plans for a while. I’d probably still include the kid in a group invite, but nothing where my kid could be left in the lurch again.

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is saying that the ds should be resilient and realize that sometimes plans change. Well, maybe his mom needs to realize that sometimes plans change and OP may want to spend a day with her family if their plans get canceled. Fair is fair

Then don’t go with the other mom. This really is not a big deal. Go or don’t go. I don’t really think the other mom will care.

Anonymous wrote:I would wait and see what she says. If she cancels, I’d cancel on her. Not even sure if I’d bother to tell her why. Just say something like I’m not feeling well and can’t make it. Then I’d stop making plans with this person

I agree with this. I hated when other parents used plans with my kids as punishment for behaviors that had nothing to do with those plans.

I would wait and see what she says. If she cancels, I’d cancel on her. Not even sure if I’d bother to tell her why. Just say something like I’m not feeling well and can’t make it. Then I’d stop making plans with this person

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Everyone is saying that the ds should be resilient and realize that sometimes plans change. Well, maybe his mom needs to realize that sometimes plans change and OP may want to spend a day with her family if their plans get canceled. Fair is fair

Yes, of course. No one in this thread has said otherwise. And OP has not indicated that her friend would have a problem if she cancelled.

This is OP. She would absolutely be pissed if I canceled.

Golden Rule OP.

Well, it’s really up to the other mom if the plans change. If she doesn’t want to change plans, then she shouldn’t.

+ 1 there is nothing wrong with op telling her friend that her DS was really looking forward to the outing planned with friends’s son and so if friend feels the need to cancel it she’s going opt out of their planned activity as well and instead do something special with son to make up for it.

If friend has the nerve to get pissed at that then op should call her out for the hypocrite that she is.

This is great advice

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your pissed she's discipling her kid? You think your kid's fun plan and lack of resiliency is her issue?

Seriously. I cannot believe OP is complaining because her child's friend's parent is discipling her child. This is insane and incredibly entitled.

Agree, it's one thing if they forgot, but if the child isn't behaving, it's an appropriate consequence. Take your child or tell them no. Good for the parent for disciplining their child.

Its rude AF. No wonder the child is misbehaving with such a boorish and self-centered mother.

Tell it to the kid who is misbehaving. You may not give consequences to your kids as either they are perfect or you refuse to parent but many of us do parent and our kids know our rules and expectations.

You are raising ill-mannered boors. Parent better.

My kids are very mannered and far from boors. They know the consequences and to behave. And, if they don't, we follow through.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on what the infraction is, personally. If my kid did something minor, I'm not going to affect another kid. I'm going to take screen time or add extra chores or something as a consequence.

If he does something major - for sure, I'm going to keep him home from the special thing.

But there are many other options for consequences that don't involve upsetting another family's plans. Canceling social engagements after plans have been made is incredibly rude.

It's their choice. Maybe nothing else worked? OP was told in advanced. It's not like it was a last minute thing so she can make other plans. I'd cancel it if my child was behaving badly or grades were bad.

Its incredibly ill-mannered to cancel social plans once already made for any reason besides illness or emergencies.

My child knows the consequences. It's not ill-mannered as it's the only thing that gets their attention. They are not on electronics much at home beyond homework and they are busy with activities.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your pissed she's discipling her kid? You think your kid's fun plan and lack of resiliency is her issue?

Seriously. I cannot believe OP is complaining because her child's friend's parent is discipling her child. This is insane and incredibly entitled.

We don't even know what the kid did except that it wasn't bad enough for the mom to be decisive and ground him. Instead everyone has to sit around with baited breath to see what the queen decides.

Wow, this resonates. I can recall several families when DC was growing up that, for all activities, it was their way or the highway. All take, no give.

I’m glad DC is an adult now, and we don’t have to deal with those families anymore.