Anonymous wrote:Finding love again should not be considered immature. With an existing partner, it’s true that you won’t replicate the chemical new relationship butterflies stage. But it’s not immature—if you value it—to work to rekindle romance and affection and being “in love” with your partner. You and your partner might decide—together—you value other things you want to nurture. But this domain isn’t per se immature.
Anonymous wrote:I’d wager at least half of married people are staying together for the kids. Some of those couples are working hard on their marriage… also for the benefit of the kids, since they would have given up long ago otherwise. That’s us.
I don’t think there’s a right answer for you to find. There are trade offs no matter what decision you make. What I realized is even if I ended it, DH would still be in my life as the father of my kids. And existing challenges would be replaced with new challenges. Challenges which would impact the kids just as much as us, probably more since they’re still developing.
I don’t care about “finding love” again. Honestly that seems a bit immature to me. What I need is mutual respect and a friendship (with benefits) with my partner with a focus on doing the best we can for our kids. If there were abuse or drugs or something major I would not stay, but that’s not the case.
I wish you the best!
I honestly see life in seasons, of which this is one. My priority is my children and I’m committing to being with my DH at least until they’re adults. I hope as we continue to work on our relationship that we’ll want to stay together at that point, but if we don’t, I’ll feel a lot better about parting ways then.
Anonymous wrote:What I’ve read is kids do fine in households with low conflict unhappy marriages.
I don’t have time to look up citations but I have read about it (Google?). For example: https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-2001-jul-09-cl-20178-story.html
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for the replies.
For clarity, this is WAY beyond a situation where we’ve simply moved past the lust stage or lack butterflies. When I say there is no conflict, what I mean is the kids do not see us fighting. There are massive amounts of dysfunction in our relationship. Even though we don’t fight, there is still a lot of toxicity that is only getting worse over time and I do feel overwhelming resentment and disappointment in DH.
We have tried going to couples counseling multiple times over multiple years. It did not help us.
I don’t know where we go from here. But wanted to clarify this is way beyond a situation of me yearning for more romance or something.
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for all the replies. I’m specifically wondering if there are any studies or experts that speak to this-does anyone know?
Not super interested in everyone’s opinion on what I should do
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for the replies.
For clarity, this is WAY beyond a situation where we’ve simply moved past the lust stage or lack butterflies. When I say there is no conflict, what I mean is the kids do not see us fighting. There are massive amounts of dysfunction in our relationship. Even though we don’t fight, there is still a lot of toxicity that is only getting worse over time and I do feel overwhelming resentment and disappointment in DH.
We have tried going to couples counseling multiple times over multiple years. It did not help us.
I don’t know where we go from here. But wanted to clarify this is way beyond a situation of me yearning for more romance or something.
I think the main thing is to really think about just how much hostility is seeping out. Because that isn’t “low conflict” even if you are not yelling at each other.
Anonymous wrote:I’d wager at least half of married people are staying together for the kids. Some of those couples are working hard on their marriage… also for the benefit of the kids, since they would have given up long ago otherwise. That’s us.
I don’t think there’s a right answer for you to find. There are trade offs no matter what decision you make. What I realized is even if I ended it, DH would still be in my life as the father of my kids. And existing challenges would be replaced with new challenges. Challenges which would impact the kids just as much as us, probably more since they’re still developing.
I don’t care about “finding love” again. Honestly that seems a bit immature to me. What I need is mutual respect and a friendship (with benefits) with my partner with a focus on doing the best we can for our kids. If there were abuse or drugs or something major I would not stay, but that’s not the case.
I wish you the best!
I honestly see life in seasons, of which this is one. My priority is my children and I’m committing to being with my DH at least until they’re adults. I hope as we continue to work on our relationship that we’ll want to stay together at that point, but if we don’t, I’ll feel a lot better about parting ways then.
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for the replies.
For clarity, this is WAY beyond a situation where we’ve simply moved past the lust stage or lack butterflies. When I say there is no conflict, what I mean is the kids do not see us fighting. There are massive amounts of dysfunction in our relationship. Even though we don’t fight, there is still a lot of toxicity that is only getting worse over time and I do feel overwhelming resentment and disappointment in DH.
We have tried going to couples counseling multiple times over multiple years. It did not help us.
I don’t know where we go from here. But wanted to clarify this is way beyond a situation of me yearning for more romance or something.
Anonymous wrote:I am wondering if there is any research on the question of what is better for kids:
(1) seeing parents in a low conflict, but low interaction and zero affection marriage (basically living separate lives under one roof, but with zero fighting); or
(2) a low conflict divorce.
I am currently living in situation (1) purely for the benefit of my kids. I am in individual therapy and my therapist didn’t seem convinced that this IS necessarily better for them than a low conflict divorce.
I am not aware of any research or expert opinions on this specific question and wondering if anyone else is?
As a child of divorce, I still think it would have been better for the family if my parents had stuck it out in (1), for the simple reason that I didn’t like living between two separate residences. This is a big part of why I stay.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don’t know about research, but from my own experience, yes, it is better for your kids for you to stay in your low conflict (and low affection) marriage. Frankly, your affection level doesn’t make much difference to your kids. They would much rather that, that dealing with your boyfriends/dad’s new girlfriends, babysitters regularly so you can date, having much of your attention funneled into online dating, and then there’s the boyfriend’s kids..
When you decide to have children, you owe them a stable life. They should have to deal with your love life BS because you find your marriage low affection. Get your freak on when they go off to college.
+1000
I love how all of these “oh my parents lack of affection was SO TRAUMATIZING” posters think having the kids bounce back and forth between homes, deal with a parents new love interest, a potential new marriage and all the crap an associated blended family brings, is the better alternative.
Marriage is hard. That feeling of constant skyrockets and butterflies in the stomach is long gone for most people. You enter into a marriage for the long haul. Think about your kids - not your lack of spark with your spouse. It’s pathetic.
OP is thinking about the kids. It's OP's therapist who isn't.
I vote OP gets a new therapist.