Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've read the entire thread OP. I don't understand why you wouldn't go, frankly.

You wouldn’t be hesitant to go away for several days with a person who refuses to see you for a few hours?

I have seen her once in 5 years and she still refuses to see me.

Anonymous wrote:I have a close childhood friend who lives in another state (driving distance). Let’s say NC and I live in MD. She was my maid of honor at my wedding, planned by bridal shower, baby shower, etc. I was her maid of honor and threw her bridal shower. She never had kids and is now divorced. I believe she has been divorced and avoiding me and also others so it isn’t just me. We have a milestone birthday coming up. Our birthdays are a few weeks apart and we used to celebrate with a joint birthday trip or celebration for decades. Even when I was in the hospital, she would come visit with cake.

I have tried to meet up with her for years and she declines or makes excuses. She has a work related trip and invited me. I was excited but now I wonder if I should go even if she doesn’t want to see me locally for years. She says she will visit me but never does. When I try to see her, she declines or says it is a bad time.

Would you go on this trip with her?

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry this is what’s happened with your friendship, OP. People are being very harsh but I don’t think you have done anything wrong. It’s just really hard to move on from a long friendship that isn’t working. Especially when you get some bread crumbs from the friend.

Anonymous wrote:This thread is such a hoot.

Half of it is the Op or a fake OP disclosing *new, exciting disclosures* or *forgotten information!*. And let’s not forget the back and forth *realtime updates*!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m very well aware that she is struggling. She has been in a bad place for over five years.

I don’t think I blew it. There have been other trips and meetings that we have talked about that never happened over the past few years.

I try to understand her and make excuses for her. DH thinks she is unstable and flaky. He does not appreciate our long history and only sees her for who she is now.

No, you don't seem to actually understand her struggling at all. You recognize that has experienced traumatic, life-altering things, yet insist on clinging to the past and wanting to see and interact with her in the ways you used to instead of adjusting to who she is now and what she can handle now.

I'm not saying this is your friend, but let me tell you a little bit about myself. I have severe depression and anxiety. Functioning and dealing with basic life things is hard sometimes and I have to do a lot of hiding and faking. I have also had an eating disorder for decades and my weight fluctuates wildly. Seeing people who haven't seen me in a while is a paralyzing prospect if I'm in a not "well" period. If I know I have to see someone in a month or two, I have a concrete time to get my act together so I'm in a place where I feel comfortable seeing them. If that person were to suddenly say, hey, how about next weekend instead of a month from now? That would be enough to send me into a horrible doom spiral, not just about that specific meeting, but about life. I can't handle spontaneous plans. I've even skipped a grandparent's funeral because of it.

Again, not saying my situation is your friend's, just trying to give you an example of how your constant pushing and insisting on doing things your way could be affecting her. It doesn't matter that you met up with her a certain way for decades, she is not the same person anymore. You need to let go of the past and have a new relationship with her.

Actually my friend is a lot like you. Her weight does fluctuate a lot. I don’t think I insist on anything. I’m actually very flexible and bend over backwards for her.

She texted me this morning and asked me not to be mad. While I had written a lot on here, I never responded to her actual text about not extending the trip. I told her that I am not mad and that I am here for her when she needs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m very well aware that she is struggling. She has been in a bad place for over five years.

I don’t think I blew it. There have been other trips and meetings that we have talked about that never happened over the past few years.

I try to understand her and make excuses for her. DH thinks she is unstable and flaky. He does not appreciate our long history and only sees her for who she is now.

No, you don't seem to actually understand her struggling at all. You recognize that has experienced traumatic, life-altering things, yet insist on clinging to the past and wanting to see and interact with her in the ways you used to instead of adjusting to who she is now and what she can handle now.

I'm not saying this is your friend, but let me tell you a little bit about myself. I have severe depression and anxiety. Functioning and dealing with basic life things is hard sometimes and I have to do a lot of hiding and faking. I have also had an eating disorder for decades and my weight fluctuates wildly. Seeing people who haven't seen me in a while is a paralyzing prospect if I'm in a not "well" period. If I know I have to see someone in a month or two, I have a concrete time to get my act together so I'm in a place where I feel comfortable seeing them. If that person were to suddenly say, hey, how about next weekend instead of a month from now? That would be enough to send me into a horrible doom spiral, not just about that specific meeting, but about life. I can't handle spontaneous plans. I've even skipped a grandparent's funeral because of it.

Again, not saying my situation is your friend's, just trying to give you an example of how your constant pushing and insisting on doing things your way could be affecting her. It doesn't matter that you met up with her a certain way for decades, she is not the same person anymore. You need to let go of the past and have a new relationship with her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m very well aware that she is struggling. She has been in a bad place for over five years.

I don’t think I blew it. There have been other trips and meetings that we have talked about that never happened over the past few years.

I try to understand her and make excuses for her. DH thinks she is unstable and flaky. He does not appreciate our long history and only sees her for who she is now.

No, you don't seem to actually understand her struggling at all. You recognize that has experienced traumatic, life-altering things, yet insist on clinging to the past and wanting to see and interact with her in the ways you used to instead of adjusting to who she is now and what she can handle now.

I'm not saying this is your friend, but let me tell you a little bit about myself. I have severe depression and anxiety. Functioning and dealing with basic life things is hard sometimes and I have to do a lot of hiding and faking. I have also had an eating disorder for decades and my weight fluctuates wildly. Seeing people who haven't seen me in a while is a paralyzing prospect if I'm in a not "well" period. If I know I have to see someone in a month or two, I have a concrete time to get my act together so I'm in a place where I feel comfortable seeing them. If that person were to suddenly say, hey, how about next weekend instead of a month from now? That would be enough to send me into a horrible doom spiral, not just about that specific meeting, but about life. I can't handle spontaneous plans. I've even skipped a grandparent's funeral because of it.

Again, not saying my situation is your friend's, just trying to give you an example of how your constant pushing and insisting on doing things your way could be affecting her. It doesn't matter that you met up with her a certain way for decades, she is not the same person anymore. You need to let go of the past and have a new relationship with her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is always quick to return a text and calls me. She just won’t see me in person.

For the past decade, I often would visit her, maybe once or twice per year. I would get a hotel for a night or two, loved the little break from my kids and had a great time. Depending on where she lived, if she was single, she would either stay with me at my hotel or I would stay with her at her place. I have stayed over her apartment and her family home many times so it isn’t about shame of her home or anything like that. She seems to not want to see me in person. I just tried again to see her next weekend and she declined.

I have a friend a little bit like this but I believe she doesn't want to meet in person because she has become very obese (even though this wouldn't matter to me). If she is still refusing to meet you on local ground, I would not do a trip with her.

Sheesh! Given their extensive history this seems like such a weird and cruel line to draw. Divorce and death of a parent in the last few years? Can we have some grace for people who are lifelong best friends? A vacation together is an excellent time to have important and needed conversations.

Anonymous wrote:

I’m very well aware that she is struggling. She has been in a bad place for over five years.

I don’t think I blew it. There have been other trips and meetings that we have talked about that never happened over the past few years.

I try to understand her and make excuses for her. DH thinks she is unstable and flaky. He does not appreciate our long history and only sees her for who she is now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've read the entire thread OP. I don't understand why you wouldn't go, frankly.

You wouldn’t be hesitant to go away for several days with a person who refuses to see you for a few hours?

I have seen her once in 5 years and she still refuses to see me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is always quick to return a text and calls me. She just won’t see me in person.

For the past decade, I often would visit her, maybe once or twice per year. I would get a hotel for a night or two, loved the little break from my kids and had a great time. Depending on where she lived, if she was single, she would either stay with me at my hotel or I would stay with her at her place. I have stayed over her apartment and her family home many times so it isn’t about shame of her home or anything like that. She seems to not want to see me in person. I just tried again to see her next weekend and she declined.

I have a friend a little bit like this but I believe she doesn't want to meet in person because she has become very obese (even though this wouldn't matter to me). If she is still refusing to meet you on local ground, I would not do a trip with her.