Anonymous wrote:My soon to be ex-DH was the picture of stability and responsibility for years, but also a workaholic who could easily forget about other people and his own needs. I covered for him and tried to help for years but he was taking such a huge toll on my own mental health.

workaholic is probably the tip of the mental disorder iceberg for him.

Anonymous wrote:I know a therapist who has 2 failed marriages under her belt, one to an abusive partner, one to an alcoholic. And she wasn’t too young either, and she didn’t come from a dysfunctional family. So sometimes you may have all the “tools” to recognize when a partner is bad news and you somehow stay with them anyway.

I don’t know.

Agree. Give yourself some grace. Life is not easy.

Anonymous wrote:The person or their family grew up socially isolated or have a strong need to control. Rigidity in behavior and beliefs.

Next time I hear: Never took vacations, Played no sports, Watched lots of movies, Don't have hobbies or interests beyond work. I will say Buh Bye.

And if you're masking or following a movie script you memorized: Show me, don't tell me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inability to moderate themselves whether it is food, work, exercise, alcohol, shopping, or substance abuse. A hobby becomes an all-consuming passion. Jealousy towards anything you are interested in that doesn't involve/benefit them.

This is a really good tell.

Also, an indifference to things that really matter to you. That right there is the first hint of a lack of empathy.

Jealosy?
Yes for a narcissist or schitzo.
No for an ASD (they don't care WTF you do. you could be a CIA spy on the side they wouldn't notice, too self-absorbed and unable to see another's PoV).

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what to tell you. Never crossed my mind that ex was special and I still don't know what kind of special he was. Extremely hard to tell if they are high functioning and hiding it.
Nobody who met him said anything. His family never said anything and still hasn't.
I would have never dated him or had a kid.
If I could do it all over again, I would stay single.

In our case, he brother had a formal ASD and dyslexia (and possibly ADHD) diagnoses from age 4 on plus tutoring 3x a week, yet the Mother kept it a family secret and they all think he only is dyslexic. He has terrible anxiety and depression from being fire from ill-fitting jobs, industries, dates, and masters programs. Even after my spouse's full neuropsych results and Dx, he refuses to share it with his parents or sibling.

Anonymous wrote:This is a great question. TBH, looking back, there were red flags. But I rationalized them and went ahead because I had poor judgment in my mid 20s.

agree.

My red flags I passed over involved the 2 "fights" we had. He basically locked me out of his apartment and went to bed early with ear plugs in, instead of clearing anything up (he was late for our planned dinner and never gave a heads up, was out at the bars after class with friends - double booked). He never cleared it up, he stonewalled and pretended nothing happened, next time we interacted. I think he tried to be extra nice so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

The second time we were overseas, dressed up for a black tie event, and some disagreement came up, he shut down, changed and went to bed. Leaving me in my gown and curlers and a car I wasn't to drive in a strange city. Never cleared that up either.

Basically he cannot resolve conflicts or communicate, unless its unicorns and rainbows or work topics. His family, who live far away, are the same. Never talk at dinner or about real things. Passive. Sweep things under the rug.

And I know how he diagnosed with Autism Level 1/HFA/Aspergers and Bipolar II once we had kids. He was acting mental and shutting down and raging more frequently than ever. He cannot handle Adult Life.

Ladies - if your date refuses to talk things out when you are upset, maybe not in the moment, but at least the next day. RUN. RUN. RUN. I told myself "this is a guy thing." No.
You do not want a lifetime of stonewalling and shutting down. Especially if you have kids.

Also, when you go to the future in laws house, look around. Who does the cleaning? A housekeeper once a week- did she just come? Do people pick up after themselves, or leave it for Mom or housekeeper to do alter.

Are their lists of How To Do Things taped to the wall in every room? Yikes- someone must not be able to figure things out for themselves, or remember.

Is the husband contributing to the running of the house or dinner WITHOUT being told what to do, when? Fantastic.

Same for when off their turf. Are the future in laws able to chit chat with one another or others about new topics or understand new things? Are they respectful and affection with one another, or are their bickering or ignoring each other?
What is the wife’s role in the home?
What is the father’s role in the home?
What are their expectations of their adult children? Or parenting style?

Are there any Failure to Launch adult children living at home still? Do they have diagnosed learning disabilities or diagnosed mental disorders? Are they still getting treated? Are those hereditary?

Anonymous wrote:Heavy investigation of the future in-laws.

Go on vacation with them.

Ask how close they are to their families of origin.

This.

Watch people AFTER Day 3 of a vacation. As with the MTV Real World, that’s when things start getting real.

If they run out of gas (energy), start disappearing to “work” (sleep, screens, addictions, cook comfort foods/fixations), can no longer hold back and forth conversations, then you can start suspecting masking of mental disorders.
They can only mask for spurts.

You want CONSISTENCY out of good friends and mates. Consistently able to function, talk things out, be there, see people’s needs and address them. Not avoid, or stonewall or disappear to do personal stuff when someone’s in need (a child, a situation, a spouse).

Anonymous wrote:Ask. I think I wouldn’t have lied if DH asked me.

My mom feels she was lied to by her future MIL about a family member's diagnosis. On the other hand, I can see grandma not wanting to sabotage her son's relationship based on post-hoc analysis of a long-dead relative's situation from times when there was little medical knowledge and few helpful treatments. And I don't think my mom would have made a different decision anyway.

Are you also screening for other life altering conditions and weeding those people out? Heart disease, cancer, diabetes, dementia… all of these are going to change your quality of life too.

What about those who aren’t mentally ill but have obsessive hobbies like cycling and Ironmans?

Best stay single as humans are human.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about we not stigmatize mental illness any more than it already is? Are you really suggesting people with ADHD, anxiety, autism, depression, etc should never get married?? The vast majority of these people can have happy lives. Supportive families make a world of difference too, in the ability to access and participate in mental health care.

There's nothing wrong with screening for specific red flags, like most mentioned in this thread. But how about you not stereotype *all* people with mental health struggles into this category of "not worthy of marriage".

+1 there’s a history of mental illness on both sides of our families. Our families are also stable, successful, loving, and functional. Two things can be true.

Also, it’s strange hearing people talk about their repeated experiences with people with mental illness as if they were inadvertently exposed to a bacteria or virus. If you notice this type of pattern in your relationships, get some support with digging into that before you make any type of commitment.

Yes, to all of this.

- DW with chronic depression and adult diagnosis of ADHD, married to DH with adult diagnosis of ADHD

Look hard at the family of origin. Genetics are strong in mental illness.

My uncle, Mom's little brother had schizophrenia, my brother and sister both bipolar.

Many times you have to dig deep. My uncle and sister both said they were misdiagnosed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jumping off from the wife saying her husband does nothing to help at home, she has to remind him to shower and dress appropriately for work and didn't find out until after marriage and kids that he has depression and anxiety, etc. The truth is, there are a LOT of threads like this one - people finding out their spouse as autism or is narcissistic or OCD or a myriad of other big issues that if they knew about they may not have chosen to marry and/or procreate with this person.

Since the majority of us are not psychologists, how do we screen to make sure we're not marrying someone like this? What are the tell-tale signs that we were ignoring? Maybe this can help some of the people here who are dating to avoid an unhappy marriage down the line.

You can’t in some cases. I met my ex in my early twenties and he developed bipolar disorder in his early 30s after the birth of our disorder. It was the worst 15 years of my life. I am 50 now.

My sister also was diagnosed with bipolar around age 39 after the death of grandmother. There were symptoms before but we did not pick up on them.

It depends on the type of mental health you can handle. Poverty, drug and alcohol abuse, narcissism, religious extremism, these are all a part of people and their childhood.

Anonymous wrote:How about we not stigmatize mental illness any more than it already is? Are you really suggesting people with ADHD, anxiety, autism, depression, etc should never get married?? The vast majority of these people can have happy lives. Supportive families make a world of difference too, in the ability to access and participate in mental health care.

There's nothing wrong with screening for specific red flags, like most mentioned in this thread. But how about you not stereotype *all* people with mental health struggles into this category of "not worthy of marriage".

+1 there’s a history of mental illness on both sides of our families. Our families are also stable, successful, loving, and functional. Two things can be true.

Also, it’s strange hearing people talk about their repeated experiences with people with mental illness as if they were inadvertently exposed to a bacteria or virus. If you notice this type of pattern in your relationships, get some support with digging into that before you make any type of commitment.