Anonymous
Post 03/11/2024 14:13     Subject: Re:Can’t face friends
Anonymous wrote:I think DH should tell friend exactly what happened, that you know and are struggling with the information and whether to tell wife. Maybe that will compel friend to come clean or end the affair.


After reading all the responses, I think this is the plan. Of course Best Friend could always lie about what he will or won’t do, but I’ve no wish to be further involved much less play private investigator. Unfortunately, this also means my friendship with this couple is over, as I can’t rightly count myself a friend to the wife in choosing to keep this from her and I’ve lost all respect for the husband.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2024 13:49     Subject: Re:Can’t face friends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP wondering how this thread has turned into a referendum on my own DH, but shouldn’t be surprised. DH isn’t the cheater here - he’s a good friend caught between a rock and a hard place. If my own best friend were having an affair, I’d be doing the exact same thing - not telling her DH while urging her to do so.


I'm confused why you posted here. It sounds like you've already decided not to tell her.


No, I haven’t made MY decision yet whether or not to tell. What I’m saying is that I understand my DH’s decision not to tell. He and I are not in the same position.


I think you and your husband need to be on the same page. If your husband is against telling the wife and you go ahead anyway that is going to cause problems for your marriage.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2024 13:42     Subject: Can’t face friends
Anonymous wrote:TELL HER. Girl/woman code whatever you want to call it.

I'm a woman. This is not a code. I wouldn't want my BFF to tell me, TBH. I would want anyone who knew to tell my DH he's a POS and should end it. But don't blow up my life (especially if I have kids) because you think it's "right". You simply don't know what it will do to everyone involved. Even the OP.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2024 13:21     Subject: Can’t face friends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Please do not say anything. If it’s been 8 years, she probably knows and wants to keep things status quo. If you say something you are going to force her to act and get a divorce. It’s none of your business and saying something will have dire consequences on this family. Let them sort it out themselves.


This seems a stretch. If she already knows, how would someone telling her what she already knows force her to act and get a divorce?


Because she’ll be embarrassed that other people know. This happened to someone I knew very well. She knew her husband was cheating and although she wasn’t thrilled about it, she wanted to keep the family together. When her friend told her, she felt compelled to get a divorce because she was ashamed that others knew about it. Shame and pride are powerful motivators. (And she had an enormous falling out with the friend who told her. She made up excuses to hate her.) If it were me, I would stay out of it.

I’ve been cheated on. If it’s a boyfriend, tell me. Please! Before I make a huge mistake. If it’s my husband and we have kids and finances tied together, please stay out of it.


Good lord this can’t really be what happened. As someone going through a divorce right now, I couldn’t even imagine something as insignificant as someone else knowing DH was cheating on me being a deciding factor in making this decision.

Note that I didnt say above that the cheating is insignificant. But someone knowing that he cheated is so minor compared to the actual cheating and what led up to the marriage being in such a terrible place that this happens.


This happened as described. The person who told her was a coworker of the wife and perhaps that made it worse and more embarrassing. I say this kindly as someone who has been through a divorce myself, if you are currently going through one, you are too emotional to look at this situation clearly. When I was getting divorced, I felt the same way as you do. I was so angry that no one told me. But a decade later, with lots time to reflect and heal, I realize that the best thing to do is to stay out of other people’s marriages.


If a man is so indiscreet and stupid that his wife’s freaking COWORKERS know he is a cheater, muddling along in a don’t ask/don't tell situation was never going to work out.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2024 13:03     Subject: Re:Can’t face friends
Oh, how about the passive aggressive route:

Write a FB or other non-anonymous social-media post saying, "If you knew one of your spouse's friends was cheating on their wife, would you tell her?"

Or how about at the next dinner party with this couple, you say "Hey I have a friend who is cheating on her husband, but I'm friends with the husband as well. Should I tell him?"
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2024 12:56     Subject: Can’t face friends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:TELL HER. Girl/woman code whatever you want to call it.


Morality? Some sense of ethics?


A desire to not believe that the people surrounding you are lying a$$___s?
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2024 12:56     Subject: Can’t face friends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Please do not say anything. If it’s been 8 years, she probably knows and wants to keep things status quo. If you say something you are going to force her to act and get a divorce. It’s none of your business and saying something will have dire consequences on this family. Let them sort it out themselves.


This seems a stretch. If she already knows, how would someone telling her what she already knows force her to act and get a divorce?


Because she’ll be embarrassed that other people know. This happened to someone I knew very well. She knew her husband was cheating and although she wasn’t thrilled about it, she wanted to keep the family together. When her friend told her, she felt compelled to get a divorce because she was ashamed that others knew about it. Shame and pride are powerful motivators. (And she had an enormous falling out with the friend who told her. She made up excuses to hate her.) If it were me, I would stay out of it.

I’ve been cheated on. If it’s a boyfriend, tell me. Please! Before I make a huge mistake. If it’s my husband and we have kids and finances tied together, please stay out of it.


Good lord this can’t really be what happened. As someone going through a divorce right now, I couldn’t even imagine something as insignificant as someone else knowing DH was cheating on me being a deciding factor in making this decision.

Note that I didnt say above that the cheating is insignificant. But someone knowing that he cheated is so minor compared to the actual cheating and what led up to the marriage being in such a terrible place that this happens.


This happened as described. The person who told her was a coworker of the wife and perhaps that made it worse and more embarrassing. I say this kindly as someone who has been through a divorce myself, if you are currently going through one, you are too emotional to look at this situation clearly. When I was getting divorced, I felt the same way as you do. I was so angry that no one told me. But a decade later, with lots time to reflect and heal, I realize that the best thing to do is to stay out of other people’s marriages.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2024 12:54     Subject: Can’t face friends
Anonymous wrote:TELL HER. Girl/woman code whatever you want to call it.


Morality? Some sense of ethics?
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2024 12:54     Subject: Re:Can’t face friends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP wondering how this thread has turned into a referendum on my own DH, but shouldn’t be surprised. DH isn’t the cheater here - he’s a good friend caught between a rock and a hard place. If my own best friend were having an affair, I’d be doing the exact same thing - not telling her DH while urging her to do so.


I'm confused why you posted here. It sounds like you've already decided not to tell her.


No, I haven’t made MY decision yet whether or not to tell. What I’m saying is that I understand my DH’s decision not to tell. He and I are not in the same position.


Lol well it'll be fun your DH has an affair, I guess.


Or me, yeah? No need to be sexist.


Yeah I guess.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2024 12:50     Subject: Can’t face friends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Please do not say anything. If it’s been 8 years, she probably knows and wants to keep things status quo. If you say something you are going to force her to act and get a divorce. It’s none of your business and saying something will have dire consequences on this family. Let them sort it out themselves.


This seems a stretch. If she already knows, how would someone telling her what she already knows force her to act and get a divorce?


Because she’ll be embarrassed that other people know. This happened to someone I knew very well. She knew her husband was cheating and although she wasn’t thrilled about it, she wanted to keep the family together. When her friend told her, she felt compelled to get a divorce because she was ashamed that others knew about it. Shame and pride are powerful motivators. (And she had an enormous falling out with the friend who told her. She made up excuses to hate her.) If it were me, I would stay out of it.

I’ve been cheated on. If it’s a boyfriend, tell me. Please! Before I make a huge mistake. If it’s my husband and we have kids and finances tied together, please stay out of it.


Good lord this can’t really be what happened. As someone going through a divorce right now, I couldn’t even imagine something as insignificant as someone else knowing DH was cheating on me being a deciding factor in making this decision.

Note that I didnt say above that the cheating is insignificant. But someone knowing that he cheated is so minor compared to the actual cheating and what led up to the marriage being in such a terrible place that this happens.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2024 12:46     Subject: Can’t face friends
TELL HER. Girl/woman code whatever you want to call it.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2024 12:41     Subject: Can’t face friends
OP you seem to be a cherry picking truths here, I think what you really want is to have some drama in your life and to somehow put yourself in the center of it.

leave it alone
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2024 12:32     Subject: Re:Can’t face friends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP wondering how this thread has turned into a referendum on my own DH, but shouldn’t be surprised. DH isn’t the cheater here - he’s a good friend caught between a rock and a hard place. If my own best friend were having an affair, I’d be doing the exact same thing - not telling her DH while urging her to do so.


I'm confused why you posted here. It sounds like you've already decided not to tell her.


No, I haven’t made MY decision yet whether or not to tell. What I’m saying is that I understand my DH’s decision not to tell. He and I are not in the same position.


Lol well it'll be fun your DH has an affair, I guess.


Or me, yeah? No need to be sexist.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2024 12:29     Subject: Re:Can’t face friends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP wondering how this thread has turned into a referendum on my own DH, but shouldn’t be surprised. DH isn’t the cheater here - he’s a good friend caught between a rock and a hard place. If my own best friend were having an affair, I’d be doing the exact same thing - not telling her DH while urging her to do so.


I'm confused why you posted here. It sounds like you've already decided not to tell her.


No, I haven’t made MY decision yet whether or not to tell. What I’m saying is that I understand my DH’s decision not to tell. He and I are not in the same position.


Lol well it'll be fun your DH has an affair, I guess.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2024 12:28     Subject: Re:Can’t face friends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP wondering how this thread has turned into a referendum on my own DH, but shouldn’t be surprised. DH isn’t the cheater here - he’s a good friend caught between a rock and a hard place. If my own best friend were having an affair, I’d be doing the exact same thing - not telling her DH while urging her to do so.


I'm confused why you posted here. It sounds like you've already decided not to tell her.


No, I haven’t made MY decision yet whether or not to tell. What I’m saying is that I understand my DH’s decision not to tell. He and I are not in the same position.