I think the risk of having another kid and it being too much/impact on your body and health/resenting the extension of the baby and toddler obligations/impact on marriage if your spouse is not really totally on board is too high.

Like yes, if it all works out, you wind up with another child who of course you will love and be happy exists. Of course. That is what it is to have kids. You are never going to be like "I wish you didn't exist." But if the impact of a 3rd child creates negative externalities that lead to stress and conflict in our life, I don't think it's worth it. Especially because you're in a position where you have a choice.

I just feel like your arguments in favor are like "it would be nice for DD to have a sister" and "I just like the idea of three kids." Well what if your daughters don't get along? What if your third kid is the reason you have health issues for the next few decades? Scoff if you want, but the pregnancy I had at 37 caused a hip and nerve issue that is still a quality of life issue for me 10 years later. Now, in my case, that baby was my 1st baby and therefore 100% worth it to me. When I deal with those health issues, I understand that without them, I might not be a mom at all.

But you already have two kids, and you already have some health issues associated with prior pregnancies, and your spouse doesn't really want to do it. To me that's a ton of risk for this pregnancy with a very limited upside and a lot of potential downside. I would not risk it.

My DH was the same as yours and said he'd do it b/c he didn't want me to resent him and we went for it. And our 3rd is an absolutely gem and we both agree probably our "best" child.

But he absolutely resents the situation overall - that 3 are really tough to manage in long stretches for 1 adult (when they're little for safety and ability to meet everyone's different developmental needs, when they're older for logistics) so we are now basically both on all the time except when we're working. We don't have family close by and neither of our parents can handle 3 when they visit so there is no hope for getting a weekend away from the kids for years. Its harder to find a babysitter that can manage 3 to get out. Its harder to find schools or activities that meet the needs of all 3 so you end up needing 2 adults for drop offs and pick-ups and activities.

We throw an insane amount of money at help to make it doable in an enjoyable. Of course it's doable without that - but the families i see doing it are stretched very thin without a moment to be a person other than "employee" and "parent". And by middle / high school everyone I know with 3 has 2 adults shuttling kids around - whether the 2nd one is both spouses worker shorter hours, hired, or family. Of course you can skip activities - but are you going to want to?

You say 3 is "best for your family". I have 3. 3 is not best for your family on pretty much any dimension. You can have a 3rd just bc you want to raise 3 kids (I did) but don't kid yourself in thinking that your existing two will be better off having a more stretched / tired parent. Or a parent that can't take the time to play the interesting game with them bc the 2yo will get jealous and knock all the pieces over, or read the boards at the museums to them bc you're too busy trying to keep the 3yo out of everyones way, or able to take them on the big rides at the amusement park bc the 4yo isn't tall enough yet etc etc. Or the snuggling and reading on weekend mornings bc the 1yo can't follow the book. You can dismiss each of these as minor (and they are) but they do add up that practically speaking your existing two kids and the quality of the engagement they get from you will take a hit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You try for the family you want around your dinner table in 10 years. Newborn stage is a blip in the grand scheme.

This. My DH told me the same thing as yours. « Not my choice but I don’t want you to be unhappy so will follow if it is essential to you ». At the time (at 36 with 2 kids and some frozen embryos) I reluctantly gave up because I was afraid that financially it would be too much for us and would then create tensions in our marriage (DH didn’t care about financial stress but I knew it would impact our relationship to be more limited in our freedom).

Fast forward to now. I am 42, our financial lives has improved a lot (as could be expected but I was being conservative in my hopes). But now DH is 100% out as he feels exhausted and is too happy to not deal with young toddlers anymore.

And I really miss that 3rd one. Reading your post I really want to jump in your shoes and have the rambunctious bigger family I always thought I would have…


I will add one reality check : I also know that my life is easier than the life of my friends with 3. None of us are SAHM. But my house is calmer, cleaner, more organized, I have more time, I am more on top of things and I have more discretionary income to solve annoyances with money (cleaners, direct flights, tutors etc…), they are more harried. I still envy them.

Op here. I can relate to your post so much it gave me chills. Exact same considerations… financially in a stable place with 2 kids with discretionary income for camps, private school , etc. just getting to a place where it’s not as stressful as the baby phase. More time to cook and keep a tidy home (we both work)… all of that feels so nice - and would be more stressful with a third- and yet, I can’t stop thinking about having a third. My embryos definitely play a role in it as I know they are there and there is a little less uncertainty in that regard.

Anonymous wrote:You try for the family you want around your dinner table in 10 years. Newborn stage is a blip in the grand scheme.

This. My DH told me the same thing as yours. « Not my choice but I don’t want you to be unhappy so will follow if it is essential to you ». At the time (at 36 with 2 kids and some frozen embryos) I reluctantly gave up because I was afraid that financially it would be too much for us and would then create tensions in our marriage (DH didn’t care about financial stress but I knew it would impact our relationship to be more limited in our freedom).

Fast forward to now. I am 42, our financial lives has improved a lot (as could be expected but I was being conservative in my hopes). But now DH is 100% out as he feels exhausted and is too happy to not deal with young toddlers anymore.

And I really miss that 3rd one. Reading your post I really want to jump in your shoes and have the rambunctious bigger family I always thought I would have…


I will add one reality check : I also know that my life is easier than the life of my friends with 3. None of us are SAHM. But my house is calmer, cleaner, more organized, I have more time, I am more on top of things and I have more discretionary income to solve annoyances with money (cleaners, direct flights, tutors etc…), they are more harried. I still envy them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it might be that you are working to create the family you always imaginesd, rather than accepting the family you have. Perhaps. You are trying for 2 ordinary children rather than accepting that your 2 current children will be ordinary-enough.

+1
Op has 2 kids but wishes they were 2 NT kids.

Also, who wishes any sort of difficulty on their children? Yah, if I could take away my child’s developmental disability and the struggles it causes them in life and their relationships, I would. Your shaming is ridiculous.

OP, I am sorry people are saying these rude things to you. People without a SN child cannot know what it is and can be very judgmental and harsh. I have been where you sit and thought about a third for very similar reasons. We ended up not going for it, and I am happy with our choice.

Thanks. Can I ask why you’re happy and don’t regret it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it might be that you are working to create the family you always imaginesd, rather than accepting the family you have. Perhaps. You are trying for 2 ordinary children rather than accepting that your 2 current children will be ordinary-enough.

+1
Op has 2 kids but wishes they were 2 NT kids.

Also, who wishes any sort of difficulty on their children? Yah, if I could take away my child’s developmental disability and the struggles it causes them in life and their relationships, I would. Your shaming is ridiculous.

OP, I am sorry people are saying these rude things to you. People without a SN child cannot know what it is and can be very judgmental and harsh. I have been where you sit and thought about a third for very similar reasons. We ended up not going for it, and I am happy with our choice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not have a third child by IVF. Naturally, sure. Otherwise, I would spend the money on the first two kids.

Op here. We already did ivf years ago. We have healthy embryos in storage.

You have chromosomally normal embryos.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go for a third in your situation. I am the middle child of three and am so happy that my parents had my younger sister.

Interesting, our middle child resents her younger sister “replacing” her as youngest. But we have a big age gap of 5 years, how big is yours?

DP. My middle sister resented me and wasn’t nice to me. Still isn’t. Sucks

Anonymous wrote:I would go for a third in your situation. I am the middle child of three and am so happy that my parents had my younger sister.

Interesting, our middle child resents her younger sister “replacing” her as youngest. But we have a big age gap of 5 years, how big is yours?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it might be that you are working to create the family you always imaginesd, rather than accepting the family you have. Perhaps. You are trying for 2 ordinary children rather than accepting that your 2 current children will be ordinary-enough.

+1
Op has 2 kids but wishes they were 2 NT kids.

Also, who wishes any sort of difficulty on their children? Yah, if I could take away my child’s developmental disability and the struggles it causes them in life and their relationships, I would. Your shaming is ridiculous.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it might be that you are working to create the family you always imaginesd, rather than accepting the family you have. Perhaps. You are trying for 2 ordinary children rather than accepting that your 2 current children will be ordinary-enough.

+1
Op has 2 kids but wishes they were 2 NT kids.

No, I just always wanted three kids. Dh was open to this when we started a family but after two is more worn out than expected.

My comment for all the variations of this topic:

Went for a 3rd. Ended up with twins.

Anonymous wrote:OP, it might be that you are working to create the family you always imaginesd, rather than accepting the family you have. Perhaps. You are trying for 2 ordinary children rather than accepting that your 2 current children will be ordinary-enough.

+1
Op has 2 kids but wishes they were 2 NT kids.

Anonymous wrote:What toll on your body will a third IVF take?

It would just be a transfer. Very low lift. The better question is what toll would a third pregnancy and nursing take on my body?