Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am a woman and I am almost exactly in your shoes. Caregiving takes lots of my emotional energy away. My marriage has been partly of convenience. Separate beds and physical recoiling etc. Therapy is BS and hasn’t helped. Cannot get divorced because of logistics and finances. No desire or time to open the marriage. He still wants sex from me. I don’t know where we go from here. Just wanted you to know you were not alone.

You know the answers would be different if you wrote it. In your case it would be blamed on the man for not being there, only wanting sec, etc. in this case, since a man wrote it it needs to be twisted to he hides at work and doesn’t want to be a parent. It’s DCUM, always the guys fault.

it's the troll's fault. complete nonsense on this thread from the sock puppet Troll.
Not a Gotcha thread at all OP. nope.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you blame the special needs on her behavior or her genetics? Did her physical appearance change?

You're stating contradictory things: you can hardly stand her physical presence and you can't bear the sound of her voice, but you're cordial roommates who can sometimes even go out jointly with friends? How does this compute? Doesn't sound cordial.

Are you in therapy, OP? The PP who suggested a depression screening is not wrong. Antidepressants can be a total game changer. SN is very hard on the parents and on the marriage, I really empathize as a SN parent. But you can't let that implode everything forever, by and by you gotta be able to dig yourself out.

Acknowledge to her that she wants something else. Tell her you're not in a place to provide that. Tell her what you're willing to do to improve things, even if it's 5% of what she wants.

OP again. Your last paragraph is exactly where we're stuck. We've had that discussion a million times. But how do you deal with someone that won't accept that and doesn't want a divorce?

What’s your problem?

Your wife wants a home with a family in it working together.

YOU don’t.

Stop playing some weird game where you try to convince her to divorce you and want a divorce.

It takes ONE to divorce.

I don't want a divorce either. I get that you don't like the idea of a parenting marriage, but there's no reason every marriage has to look like what you envision.

WTF.

what a troll. contradicting half their own posts now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does “marriage of convenience” mean, before kids? Is it that you both settled, because it was time, and neither of you had better options?

Pretty much, along with a series of life events that never made breaking up much of an option before marriage.

Dude, that's not at all what "marriage of convenience" means. It means immigration status, Ms RIght now, non-chalance, same friend group this must be it!, need beard or certain Nice Guy Image, need a trophy wife to get promoted, etc. Convenient. for you.


Breaking up is "not an option" means something else. illegal. nasty. coercive. religious fanatic. bribes. parental control.

Anonymous wrote:What does “marriage of convenience” mean, before kids? Is it that you both settled, because it was time, and neither of you had better options?

Great question.

This whole tread and reveals smells so Troll-y

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you blame the special needs on her behavior or her genetics? Did her physical appearance change?

You're stating contradictory things: you can hardly stand her physical presence and you can't bear the sound of her voice, but you're cordial roommates who can sometimes even go out jointly with friends? How does this compute? Doesn't sound cordial.

Are you in therapy, OP? The PP who suggested a depression screening is not wrong. Antidepressants can be a total game changer. SN is very hard on the parents and on the marriage, I really empathize as a SN parent. But you can't let that implode everything forever, by and by you gotta be able to dig yourself out.

Acknowledge to her that she wants something else. Tell her you're not in a place to provide that. Tell her what you're willing to do to improve things, even if it's 5% of what she wants.

Yes, we're both on antidepressants. I think that's pretty typical for SN parents. I started a couple years ago. And she finally agreed to start a few months ago. No, not a game-changer, but they help.

I don't know why you find the remarks contradictory. As others have said, you do what you have to do in these situations. You can do a lot of group and family activities without much interaction with each other (rather, just with friends and the kids). My idea of cordial may be different than yours. Basically, we can generally avoid fighting.

Fighting about what OP?

Big things? Small things? Tragic things?

What are you and your wife fighting about when you take a kid or two out during the weekend? You go awol on your phone and disappear? You let a kid run off in a busy road? You buy whatever stuff or ice cream cone they see? You say mean and petty comments nonstop?

What are you fighting about OP?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any living situation can work, if you are both on the same page.
You seem to want the roommate/coparent option, which is valid. I’m not getting g what spouse wants - you say you both have ruled out divorce - to work towards getting back to a real relationship?
I guess you can talk more to diss out if spouse wants something. Maybe they are on the same page as you are, but are just grieving the loss of relationship/options.

Yes, they want some sort of relationship, but again, they acknowledge things have gone too far to ever be like a traditional, loving marriage. I guess they still want some degree of intimacy and emotional support that I'm unable, or at least unwilling, to provide.

Did you provide emotional support before?

Some, although that has admittedly always been a source of conflict. Once the kids came along I lost whatever energy I had for dealing with that. And now I simply do not care.

So what do you want OP?

Just hit the RESET button, no wife, no house, no kid, no SN kid. Just give up and walk away from it?

Time to show your mettle OP and RISE to the occasion. Be the man and rock your family needs. Drive things forward and for the better, bit by bit. Prove your character.

Men, women, wives, husbands have had to do just that, for centuries.

Enough of this life is hard BS. Life IS usually hard. You accept that and do your best. Right now OP is doing his worst.

Go regroup and come back and do your best. bit by bit.

If you could get over the resentment, could you treat her like a good friend, OP? I am not necessarily suggesting a return to a romantic marriage, just a peaceful one.

Anonymous wrote:So you want the convenience that your spouse provides to your life, without giving anything in return. Very sad for your spouse.

He seems to be providing convenience to his wife too. He is taking care of his kids. He just does not want to provide emotional support to the wife.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you blame the special needs on her behavior or her genetics? Did her physical appearance change?

You're stating contradictory things: you can hardly stand her physical presence and you can't bear the sound of her voice, but you're cordial roommates who can sometimes even go out jointly with friends? How does this compute? Doesn't sound cordial.

Are you in therapy, OP? The PP who suggested a depression screening is not wrong. Antidepressants can be a total game changer. SN is very hard on the parents and on the marriage, I really empathize as a SN parent. But you can't let that implode everything forever, by and by you gotta be able to dig yourself out.

Acknowledge to her that she wants something else. Tell her you're not in a place to provide that. Tell her what you're willing to do to improve things, even if it's 5% of what she wants.

OP again. Your last paragraph is exactly where we're stuck. We've had that discussion a million times. But how do you deal with someone that won't accept that and doesn't want a divorce?

I am the PP that you're responding to. The thing is that she has the right to want what she wants, just like you do. A lot of people (maybe even most) wouldn't accept what you want. If someone wants affection in their marriage it's a very natural and typical want. You sound stuck in resentment. You cannot "deal" with her wanting what she wants. She is not furniture, she is human, it's human to have wants. You are in control of you and what comes through in your messages is a lot of resentment (which you didn't explain). You need to deal with that. The arrangement you want is not possible without taking your resentment from the equation. You need to be at peace with yourself and those around you. I am not saying this from some sort of a hippie love all type of place. Your home ecosystem will not be stable as long as there is resentment.

Go to therapy, revise your meds with your dr., find a support group, do everything you can to make you feel OK. And then be open to the idea that you're over demonizing her so you don't have to feel guilty about how bad you've treated her in whatever happened in the past. It's a common self-defense mechanism that doesn't work for anyone long term.

So you want the convenience that your spouse provides to your life, without giving anything in return. Very sad for your spouse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you blame the special needs on her behavior or her genetics? Did her physical appearance change?

You're stating contradictory things: you can hardly stand her physical presence and you can't bear the sound of her voice, but you're cordial roommates who can sometimes even go out jointly with friends? How does this compute? Doesn't sound cordial.

Are you in therapy, OP? The PP who suggested a depression screening is not wrong. Antidepressants can be a total game changer. SN is very hard on the parents and on the marriage, I really empathize as a SN parent. But you can't let that implode everything forever, by and by you gotta be able to dig yourself out.

Acknowledge to her that she wants something else. Tell her you're not in a place to provide that. Tell her what you're willing to do to improve things, even if it's 5% of what she wants.

OP again. Your last paragraph is exactly where we're stuck. We've had that discussion a million times. But how do you deal with someone that won't accept that and doesn't want a divorce?

What’s your problem?

Your wife wants a home with a family in it working together.

YOU don’t.

Stop playing some weird game where you try to convince her to divorce you and want a divorce.

It takes ONE to divorce.

I don't want a divorce either. I get that you don't like the idea of a parenting marriage, but there's no reason every marriage has to look like what you envision.

DP. Your marriage doesn’t have to look like the traditional marriage that your wife envisions, but it doesn’t have to look exactly the way you imagine it either.
You seem completely unwilling to compromise on anything at all.

If nothing else, you should at least recognize that you are a rigid and difficult person who needs to have things your way. You accepting who you are would probably go a long way towards her accepting it.

What compromise is possible when one is physically repulsed by one's spouse? Imagine a wife repulsed by her husband, would you recommend she be less rigid and difficult and more accepting of him?

Ok. Here are some compromises:

1). You could generally be pleasant when around each other instead of leaving the room.

2) You could sometimes touch a shoulder or sit next to each other at a meal.

3). You could occasionally compliment something about her (clothes, parenting, funny joke, etc)

4). You could talk about your personal triumphs and difficulties with the kids.

5). You could tell her about your job and whatever is going on there

6). You could tell amusing anecdotes that you know would make her laugh

7). You could do something that’s normally her job if you know she is busy and tell her that you did it to help her out

8). You could tell your kids, in front of her, that they are lucky to have their mom because of xyz. Even if it’s just her income.

9). You could refrain from criticism that isn’t really that constructive.

10). You could smile when she walks in the room, even if you aren’t feeling it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you blame the special needs on her behavior or her genetics? Did her physical appearance change?

You're stating contradictory things: you can hardly stand her physical presence and you can't bear the sound of her voice, but you're cordial roommates who can sometimes even go out jointly with friends? How does this compute? Doesn't sound cordial.

Are you in therapy, OP? The PP who suggested a depression screening is not wrong. Antidepressants can be a total game changer. SN is very hard on the parents and on the marriage, I really empathize as a SN parent. But you can't let that implode everything forever, by and by you gotta be able to dig yourself out.

Acknowledge to her that she wants something else. Tell her you're not in a place to provide that. Tell her what you're willing to do to improve things, even if it's 5% of what she wants.

OP again. Your last paragraph is exactly where we're stuck. We've had that discussion a million times. But how do you deal with someone that won't accept that and doesn't want a divorce?

What’s your problem?

Your wife wants a home with a family in it working together.

YOU don’t.

Stop playing some weird game where you try to convince her to divorce you and want a divorce.

It takes ONE to divorce.

I don't want a divorce either. I get that you don't like the idea of a parenting marriage, but there's no reason every marriage has to look like what you envision.

DP. Your marriage doesn’t have to look like the traditional marriage that your wife envisions, but it doesn’t have to look exactly the way you imagine it either.
You seem completely unwilling to compromise on anything at all.

If nothing else, you should at least recognize that you are a rigid and difficult person who needs to have things your way. You accepting who you are would probably go a long way towards her accepting it.

What compromise is possible when one is physically repulsed by one's spouse? Imagine a wife repulsed by her husband, would you recommend she be less rigid and difficult and more accepting of him?

Yes. Of course. I thought you were the wife when you first posted.

I mean, if two CNAs with no romantic relationship were taking care of a child with profound disabilities 24/7, I would recommend being kind and accepting of each other.

Anonymous wrote:I would be so sad if my child had special needs and my husband was so determined not to love me.

I think that this is the point. OP is resentful about something and is trapping his/her wife in this awful situation to punish her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you blame the special needs on her behavior or her genetics? Did her physical appearance change?

You're stating contradictory things: you can hardly stand her physical presence and you can't bear the sound of her voice, but you're cordial roommates who can sometimes even go out jointly with friends? How does this compute? Doesn't sound cordial.

Are you in therapy, OP? The PP who suggested a depression screening is not wrong. Antidepressants can be a total game changer. SN is very hard on the parents and on the marriage, I really empathize as a SN parent. But you can't let that implode everything forever, by and by you gotta be able to dig yourself out.

Acknowledge to her that she wants something else. Tell her you're not in a place to provide that. Tell her what you're willing to do to improve things, even if it's 5% of what she wants.

OP again. Your last paragraph is exactly where we're stuck. We've had that discussion a million times. But how do you deal with someone that won't accept that and doesn't want a divorce?

What’s your problem?

Your wife wants a home with a family in it working together.

YOU don’t.

Stop playing some weird game where you try to convince her to divorce you and want a divorce.

It takes ONE to divorce.

I don't want a divorce either. I get that you don't like the idea of a parenting marriage, but there's no reason every marriage has to look like what you envision.

DP. Your marriage doesn’t have to look like the traditional marriage that your wife envisions, but it doesn’t have to look exactly the way you imagine it either.
You seem completely unwilling to compromise on anything at all.

If nothing else, you should at least recognize that you are a rigid and difficult person who needs to have things your way. You accepting who you are would probably go a long way towards her accepting it.

What compromise is possible when one is physically repulsed by one's spouse? Imagine a wife repulsed by her husband, would you recommend she be less rigid and difficult and more accepting of him?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard for me to say anything because I don’t know what kind of conflicts led you to this place. At some point you loved this person and married, and you have a special needs child which makes divorce harder.

What positive outcomes do you think are going to come out of a divorce?

I can’t comment on your situation either without knowing what kinds of conflicts happened and if reasonable or not to come back from.

Stress and anger, neglect and ignorance, black & white thinkers versus gray, lack of empathy vs empathy.

Simply put, even if our situation were possible to come back from, I'm not interested in that.

Ok, you might not *want* to return your marriage to a loving place, but it seems like maybe in your circumstance you actually need to.

Look, a lot of us sort of dragged ourselves through the process of reconciling with our miserable spouses. It's not easy but for the sake of our kids it was something we felt we had to do. You might have to do the same.

This.

Reconciling might look differently : parenting marriage might be what OP's version of reconciling is. His wife does not agree.