Anonymous
Post 02/16/2024 08:50     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:Not trying to be snarky, but genuinely curious… how is it selfish to not want kids?


Having kids required selflessness to be a good parent, but not having kids is a selfless thing to do if you don't think you can be a selfless parent.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2024 08:42     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
I wish my oldest never had kids...he and his wife expect DH and I to babysit frequently. Why have kids when you want to dump them off every chance you can? We've even been told "that's the responsibility of grandparents."

THAT is a failure of parenting on our part.

Anonymous
Post 02/16/2024 08:35     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Not trying to be snarky, but genuinely curious… how is it selfish to not want kids?
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 18:29     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:DD has said she was a teen that she didn't want kids. Ha-ha ok you will change your mind is what everyone always told her. No, she's never wavered. She's in her late 20s and has been married for 3 years now (with her husband for 8 years total). She just told me that she found a doctor who was willing to do a tubal ligation so she could be done with birth control. It felt like a gut punch when she told me.

DS is in his early 30s and is getting married this fall. He's been with his fiancée for 4 years and they too have told us they have zero desire for kids. I thought for sure they would have kids as she's an elementary teacher and works at a kids camp in the summer.

How do I get over these feelings of failure? I know I raised great kids but at the same time, I feel like both are being selfish and it makes me angry. Is this something therapy helps with?


OP - therapy could help in theory, but you are unlikely to find a therapist that will properly acknowledge your perspective. you are likely to meet a perspective aligned with majority of posters here, if not so harshly framed.

the thing is, you are right. you are kids are incredibly selfish but, as someone said, it's also mostly a zeitgeist, not your personal failure. they are following the herd. you should be angry, especially with your daughter and her stupid, stupid tubal ligation at <30 yo.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 18:25     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:I understand. Not having kids is primarily for superficial reasons. Often times it means you raised a shallow person. Instead of love and family they prioritize vacations, disposable income, hip neighborhoods and career growth.

It’s also sad because you can still have kids and go on nice vacations, live in a hip neighborhood and have a great career.

Not having kids is better in your 30s. You’re ahead in terms of the fun you can have. Life doesn’t seem so different from a couple wirh a child or two. But then things dramatically change in your 40s and you’re outliers. Kid activities pick up and you better have the income to dedicate to hobbies. The average person can’t tolerate alcohol as well so that’s kind of out.

Do you really want to live in a hip condo around 20 somethings whose main activities are day drinking? Or worse be a dog person who tells people with kids all about their dogs without realizing they feel kind of bad since it’s just a dog?

OP is sad because she is realizing the path they are choosing. She also likely enjoying having children and knowing her kids won’t experience this. It’s like being an educated person and finding out your kids don’t want to attend college. They will be missing out.

But the people who pop out mini-mes arent?
L O fucking L
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 18:21     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
It's pretty odd they are telling you all this out of the blue OP, sounds like you are pressuring your adult kids so they are saying things to get you off their backs.

I did something similar when I was getting married and people started asking us immediately when we were going to have children.

Lay off, say nothing, and you might get grandchildren one day.

Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 18:12     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
As this is a place for honesty, I too, would be like a failure, if both my children, affirmatively decided that they did not want to try to have children. I don’t think I would feel that way if there were particular reasons, a life to a job that required, a lot of travel, his sick, husband, or particular concerns or issues. But if my children has a general matter, simply did not want to have children, I would reflect deeply on my parenting. I would feel sad and like a failure. That does not at all mean that I would have been a failure, but rather that I have raised adults capable of making the room decisions, which my parenting may or may not have impact it. But, really, I would be so sad if for no reason, General disinclination, I did not want to have kids. It’s not because I want grandkids, because they have brought me so much overwhelming joy that I would assume that I hadn’t communicated that to them in a way they felt.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 18:07     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:I understand. Not having kids is primarily for superficial reasons. Often times it means you raised a shallow person. Instead of love and family they prioritize vacations, disposable income, hip neighborhoods and career growth.

It’s also sad because you can still have kids and go on nice vacations, live in a hip neighborhood and have a great career.

Not having kids is better in your 30s. You’re ahead in terms of the fun you can have. Life doesn’t seem so different from a couple wirh a child or two. But then things dramatically change in your 40s and you’re outliers. Kid activities pick up and you better have the income to dedicate to hobbies. The average person can’t tolerate alcohol as well so that’s kind of out.

Do you really want to live in a hip condo around 20 somethings whose main activities are day drinking? Or worse be a dog person who tells people with kids all about their dogs without realizing they feel kind of bad since it’s just a dog?

OP is sad because she is realizing the path they are choosing. She also likely enjoying having children and knowing her kids won’t experience this. It’s like being an educated person and finding out your kids don’t want to attend college. They will be missing out.


Umm, what? I had kids and wish I hadn't. I am trying to revolutionize a medical field and realize I should have focused more on my career. Yes, I love my kids and have made my life different to prioritize them, but I have a number of colleagues who are doing exactly this and didn't have kids to give more back. Don't be so rude -- there are so many kinds of people in the world. I'm sure there are those that match what you say, but the knee jerk selfishness argument just doesn't fly.


Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 18:06     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
I wish I had been as smart as your kids are, OP.

Though I get where you are coming from -- grandkids are more fun--none of the hard work and all of the cute -- or at least that is the model.

So it is their choice, but it is fine for you to feel disappointed.

Honestly, having kids has always been a bad deal, but now there is less societal expectation, other opportunities for women and birth control.

On the topic of your daughter in law, we had a wonderful nanny who is now a preschool teacher. No kids, loves going home at night to quiet.

Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 18:02     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
I understand. Not having kids is primarily for superficial reasons. Often times it means you raised a shallow person. Instead of love and family they prioritize vacations, disposable income, hip neighborhoods and career growth.

It’s also sad because you can still have kids and go on nice vacations, live in a hip neighborhood and have a great career.

Not having kids is better in your 30s. You’re ahead in terms of the fun you can have. Life doesn’t seem so different from a couple wirh a child or two. But then things dramatically change in your 40s and you’re outliers. Kid activities pick up and you better have the income to dedicate to hobbies. The average person can’t tolerate alcohol as well so that’s kind of out.

Do you really want to live in a hip condo around 20 somethings whose main activities are day drinking? Or worse be a dog person who tells people with kids all about their dogs without realizing they feel kind of bad since it’s just a dog?

OP is sad because she is realizing the path they are choosing. She also likely enjoying having children and knowing her kids won’t experience this. It’s like being an educated person and finding out your kids don’t want to attend college. They will be missing out.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 17:51     Subject: Re:Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:They are not selfish to not want kids. It could be argued that it's more selfish TO have kids than not to. It's a difficult world to live in, especially at this point in history. Having kids is subjecting a new generation of people to the hardships of life. (I am saying this as someone who has 2 kids myself, always wanted to have kids, love my kids immeasurably but I'm the first to admit that me choosing to have kids was because I wanted them which is selfish).

I understand you are sad that you likely will not have grandchildren and won't get to see your kids as parents, which would be a joyous thing to experience I think. But it's not fair for you to be angry at them or accuse them of being selfish.


I find these comments so surprising and I hear them often. People today are better off than any other time in human history. Obviously you know what a struggle life was in the 13th century when we had plagues and collapse of many civilizations. Or during ww I or II or even the depression? How can you call this a difficult world when history shows just the opposite? Have we lost all sense of history? I almost wonder if the LACK of hardship makes people unhappy because I hear this so often and it’s so objectively false.


This. Life has never been easier.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 17:42     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would feel sad, too, Op. I think your feelings are normal.


+1 This is becoming sadly common with this generation. I have 21 cousins (aged 50-70) and between us, 40 kids, and yet there are only six grandchildren, and the ones young enough to still have kids all express some version of not wanting to marry or have kids. I'm hearing similar things from lots of friends.

What is going on?


The young people are struggling just to support themselves and are smart enough to know that bringing a baby into the mix is a terrible idea.

None of the Gen Z or younger Millennials in my family want kids either.


I'm not sure that's it. The ones who did have kids are not well off. Many of the ones who won't have trust funds.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 17:40     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I understand wanting to be around kids when you’re older. Think about all the things you wanted to do with grandchildren/the meaning you wanted. Are there other ways to get these benefits? Teaching sunday school, volunteering with kids, etc.

I’m in a vaguely similar position: My husband doesn’t want a second child, but I still want to have a role in more children’s lives.


It’s simpler than that.

Just don’t live in a liberal white collar bubble like DC, NYC, or SF.

Communities everywhere else are getting married age 13-35 and having 2-4 kids no problem.


That's not true. I posted earlier about the range of people I know in the same boat and they love all over the country and not in those three places.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 17:34     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I understand wanting to be around kids when you’re older. Think about all the things you wanted to do with grandchildren/the meaning you wanted. Are there other ways to get these benefits? Teaching sunday school, volunteering with kids, etc.

I’m in a vaguely similar position: My husband doesn’t want a second child, but I still want to have a role in more children’s lives.


It’s simpler than that.

Just don’t live in a liberal white collar bubble like DC, NYC, or SF.

Communities everywhere else are getting married age 13-35 and having 2-4 kids no problem.


13? In America? I sure hope not! 13 is a child
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 17:31     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this at all. I want my kids to be happy. Whether or not they have children is irrelevant.

I have never in my life thought "wow, I can't wait until I have grandchildren."


Why did you have kids?


Np I had kids but because I wanted them. Honestly I never thought to have kids to make my parents' grandparents or my inlaws. Good thing because they weren't very good.