Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.

Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...


the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....

um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.

Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.

So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out

Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.

Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't.

Nope.

When women have "control issues" nomatter what anybody does it's not good enough and their H's/kids/siblings/friends just stop helping and then they act like a martyr.

They have created their own situation but they won't admit it. They also won't change. They can't even let people load the dishwasher because it's not right. They see the "made bed" as not good enough. They are control FREAKS.

Repeat after me "I'm the problem it's me."

OP needs individual therapy to stop being such a PITA to live with.

Sometimes it can be a matter of not good enough, and often it's a case of you get so sick of the other person not stepping up that you take it all on yourself - and then yes, you want the bed made the way you want the bed made.

My spouse and I actually divide up many responsibilities. He does all the dishes and most of the cooking. And even though he doesn't do either exactly the way I want, I now trust that he is going to get it done well enough - and I don't micromanage. But you have to actually trust your spouse is going to get the thing done reasonably well, without supervision, without nagging or micromanaging, to be able to let go. That takes the spouse not just being a lazy helpless child who actually DOES things.

If the spouse said: OP, your dad and I are going to handle today. We talked to the kids and we think everyone wants a relaxing day at home. You go out and enjoy yourself, and we will take care of things here. If the kids get bored we'll take them out, if they make a mess we'll clean it up, do not worry. I'll bet OP would feel a lot better about the situation - instead of feeling like her dad and husband just can't be bothered to think about a day with three kids instead of having considered options and landing on this one. Freeing OP up instead of what she feels now.

Yeah it's no fun being micromanaged or being with someone who is controlling. But consider how that dynamic arises.

Op here. It would be absolute heaven if my dad and DH would just take the kids and let me do my own thing for an afternoon or a day.

Instead what happens is I do very much reach my max, but when I say “I’m stepping out for a break, you guys are in charge”, the reaction is that I’m the bad guy/jerk and the vibe for the whole day is bad. Even the kids asked me the last time this happened “why are you yelling at Dad???”. I wasn’t even yelling, just speaking forcefully.

And then when I’m gone, bad things happen. I’ll come back to multiple injuries, unwiped butts, glass on the floor, and the kids will not have eaten anything and the needs will be overwhelming the instant I come back. DH and my dad will be freshly showered and chilling on the couch. It’s truly astonishing. And I’m the ahole when I object.

Unwiped butts? Plural? If you have a 5, 6, and 7 year old who are such high/special needs that they can’t even manage to wipe their own butts, I’m not sure why you think any vacation would be relaxing.

Head over to the special needs forum and ask for help planning vacations with special needs kids.

Op here. They are potty trained but yes still get help with wiping. This is not a SN thing, it’s a little boys thing. We have a bidet at home so they just use that and haven’t gotten enough practice wiping I think.

They should be able to wipe themselves at that age. Bidet or no bidet.

Your DH has probably been trained by you not to get in the way of the helicopter blades.

Op here. I don’t know. Maybe start a new thread if you’d like to debate whether 5 and 6 year olds wipe well enough to require no help. Mine do. My 7 year old also did until recently. In the example above that I gave, the 5 year old had an unwiped butt and was naked and ended up smearing feces onto the couch, which I had to clean. It maybe wouldn’t have been a big deal but he was naked.

DP. I think you have bigger problems than one non relaxing vacation. You guys need some serious parenting help if a 5 year old is so dirty he’s “smearing feces onto the couch”. I’m not trying to be rude, but that’s not normal, and gives a lot of context of why your (and your husband’s) life is so stressful and chaotic.

Op here. I am far from perfect and yeah we struggle but I simply won’t accept that it’s unusual for a just turned 5 year old with SN to struggle with wiping. It’s not abnormal. I’m happy for you that your kids didn’t, that is awesome.

Anonymous wrote:How bad must the niece/nephew's situation been that the feces-smearing house is the better alternative? I don't think accepting a foster under these circumstances is best for this family or the child. Are there other alternatives?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.

Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...


the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....

um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.

Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.

So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out

Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.

Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't.

Nope.

When women have "control issues" nomatter what anybody does it's not good enough and their H's/kids/siblings/friends just stop helping and then they act like a martyr.

They have created their own situation but they won't admit it. They also won't change. They can't even let people load the dishwasher because it's not right. They see the "made bed" as not good enough. They are control FREAKS.

Repeat after me "I'm the problem it's me."

OP needs individual therapy to stop being such a PITA to live with.

Sometimes it can be a matter of not good enough, and often it's a case of you get so sick of the other person not stepping up that you take it all on yourself - and then yes, you want the bed made the way you want the bed made.

My spouse and I actually divide up many responsibilities. He does all the dishes and most of the cooking. And even though he doesn't do either exactly the way I want, I now trust that he is going to get it done well enough - and I don't micromanage. But you have to actually trust your spouse is going to get the thing done reasonably well, without supervision, without nagging or micromanaging, to be able to let go. That takes the spouse not just being a lazy helpless child who actually DOES things.

If the spouse said: OP, your dad and I are going to handle today. We talked to the kids and we think everyone wants a relaxing day at home. You go out and enjoy yourself, and we will take care of things here. If the kids get bored we'll take them out, if they make a mess we'll clean it up, do not worry. I'll bet OP would feel a lot better about the situation - instead of feeling like her dad and husband just can't be bothered to think about a day with three kids instead of having considered options and landing on this one. Freeing OP up instead of what she feels now.

Yeah it's no fun being micromanaged or being with someone who is controlling. But consider how that dynamic arises.

Op here. It would be absolute heaven if my dad and DH would just take the kids and let me do my own thing for an afternoon or a day.

Instead what happens is I do very much reach my max, but when I say “I’m stepping out for a break, you guys are in charge”, the reaction is that I’m the bad guy/jerk and the vibe for the whole day is bad. Even the kids asked me the last time this happened “why are you yelling at Dad???”. I wasn’t even yelling, just speaking forcefully.

And then when I’m gone, bad things happen. I’ll come back to multiple injuries, unwiped butts, glass on the floor, and the kids will not have eaten anything and the needs will be overwhelming the instant I come back. DH and my dad will be freshly showered and chilling on the couch. It’s truly astonishing. And I’m the ahole when I object.

Unwiped butts? Plural? If you have a 5, 6, and 7 year old who are such high/special needs that they can’t even manage to wipe their own butts, I’m not sure why you think any vacation would be relaxing.

Head over to the special needs forum and ask for help planning vacations with special needs kids.

Op here. They are potty trained but yes still get help with wiping. This is not a SN thing, it’s a little boys thing. We have a bidet at home so they just use that and haven’t gotten enough practice wiping I think.

They should be able to wipe themselves at that age. Bidet or no bidet.

Your DH has probably been trained by you not to get in the way of the helicopter blades.

Op here. I don’t know. Maybe start a new thread if you’d like to debate whether 5 and 6 year olds wipe well enough to require no help. Mine do. My 7 year old also did until recently. In the example above that I gave, the 5 year old had an unwiped butt and was naked and ended up smearing feces onto the couch, which I had to clean. It maybe wouldn’t have been a big deal but he was naked.

DP. I think you have bigger problems than one non relaxing vacation. You guys need some serious parenting help if a 5 year old is so dirty he’s “smearing feces onto the couch”. I’m not trying to be rude, but that’s not normal, and gives a lot of context of why your (and your husband’s) life is so stressful and chaotic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

It’s DH’s sibling’s child and we’ve had him since he was 2, so he’s very much part of our family now, and I’m not sure if reunification will ever be possible. I don’t think that’s the heart of the issue.

I do actually like my DH in general. I think he’s cute and he’s brilliant and we do have a lot of similar interests and I enjoy talking with him. He’s interesting and does well one on one.

Kids club isn’t possible for 2/3 of our kids. We’ve tried. We stayed at an all inclusive last year and they got kicked out of the kids club because they have behavioral issues and special needs. They can’t even be in daycare.

When I talk about going out and doing activities I literally mean, taking a walk into town, going to the pool, etc. Even galvanizing DH and my father to do these things is a huge undertaking.

I do give very specific instructions to DH but the instructions can never be specific enough. Examples:
-asked him to do laundry. He threw a bunch of stuff in there with sand and now the washer isn’t working and I’m worried the rental is going to pin it on us

-asked him to pack some snacky things for us in the bag since I was stuck watching the kids. We had fruit, crackers, granola bars. He instead took half a loaf of bread and threw it loose into the bag with a jar of peanut butter. No knife. Bread wasn’t in any kind of bag.

-asked him to run to the grocery store. He got maybe half the items on the list. So for example, he got cereal but no milk. He got Mac and cheese but no butter or milk. I had to go back. He said he couldn’t find the stuff.

Where are you that you're at the beach in February with school-aged children? If you say you took this disaster of a situation to South America, I'm going to say that's all on you. How did you not know this is the dynamic you live with? Why on earth would you plan such a ridiculously intense vacation?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.

Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...


the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....

um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.

Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.

So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out

Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.

Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't.

Nope.

When women have "control issues" nomatter what anybody does it's not good enough and their H's/kids/siblings/friends just stop helping and then they act like a martyr.

They have created their own situation but they won't admit it. They also won't change. They can't even let people load the dishwasher because it's not right. They see the "made bed" as not good enough. They are control FREAKS.

Repeat after me "I'm the problem it's me."

OP needs individual therapy to stop being such a PITA to live with.

Sometimes it can be a matter of not good enough, and often it's a case of you get so sick of the other person not stepping up that you take it all on yourself - and then yes, you want the bed made the way you want the bed made.

My spouse and I actually divide up many responsibilities. He does all the dishes and most of the cooking. And even though he doesn't do either exactly the way I want, I now trust that he is going to get it done well enough - and I don't micromanage. But you have to actually trust your spouse is going to get the thing done reasonably well, without supervision, without nagging or micromanaging, to be able to let go. That takes the spouse not just being a lazy helpless child who actually DOES things.

If the spouse said: OP, your dad and I are going to handle today. We talked to the kids and we think everyone wants a relaxing day at home. You go out and enjoy yourself, and we will take care of things here. If the kids get bored we'll take them out, if they make a mess we'll clean it up, do not worry. I'll bet OP would feel a lot better about the situation - instead of feeling like her dad and husband just can't be bothered to think about a day with three kids instead of having considered options and landing on this one. Freeing OP up instead of what she feels now.

Yeah it's no fun being micromanaged or being with someone who is controlling. But consider how that dynamic arises.

Op here. It would be absolute heaven if my dad and DH would just take the kids and let me do my own thing for an afternoon or a day.

Instead what happens is I do very much reach my max, but when I say “I’m stepping out for a break, you guys are in charge”, the reaction is that I’m the bad guy/jerk and the vibe for the whole day is bad. Even the kids asked me the last time this happened “why are you yelling at Dad???”. I wasn’t even yelling, just speaking forcefully.

And then when I’m gone, bad things happen. I’ll come back to multiple injuries, unwiped butts, glass on the floor, and the kids will not have eaten anything and the needs will be overwhelming the instant I come back. DH and my dad will be freshly showered and chilling on the couch. It’s truly astonishing. And I’m the ahole when I object.

Unwiped butts? Plural? If you have a 5, 6, and 7 year old who are such high/special needs that they can’t even manage to wipe their own butts, I’m not sure why you think any vacation would be relaxing.

Head over to the special needs forum and ask for help planning vacations with special needs kids.

Op here. They are potty trained but yes still get help with wiping. This is not a SN thing, it’s a little boys thing. We have a bidet at home so they just use that and haven’t gotten enough practice wiping I think.

They should be able to wipe themselves at that age. Bidet or no bidet.

Your DH has probably been trained by you not to get in the way of the helicopter blades.

Op here. I don’t know. Maybe start a new thread if you’d like to debate whether 5 and 6 year olds wipe well enough to require no help. Mine do. My 7 year old also did until recently. In the example above that I gave, the 5 year old had an unwiped butt and was naked and ended up smearing feces onto the couch, which I had to clean. It maybe wouldn’t have been a big deal but he was naked.

Anonymous wrote:OP (sorry if I missed this) - is it your dad or is it your DH's dad? Are they ganging up on you (triangulating), even if it is subtle?

It sounds like they are both happy being checked out, but they want to make you the bad guy. This is not okay. You need to talk to a professional about this, for yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad was like this too. Wouldn't even notice if we were sick. Didn't put coats on us. No meals. Just clueless.

Op here. Did he ever get better? How was it for you and your siblings? Did you turn out ok?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.

Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...


the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....

um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.

Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.

So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out

Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.

Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't.

Nope.

When women have "control issues" nomatter what anybody does it's not good enough and their H's/kids/siblings/friends just stop helping and then they act like a martyr.

They have created their own situation but they won't admit it. They also won't change. They can't even let people load the dishwasher because it's not right. They see the "made bed" as not good enough. They are control FREAKS.

Repeat after me "I'm the problem it's me."

OP needs individual therapy to stop being such a PITA to live with.

Sometimes it can be a matter of not good enough, and often it's a case of you get so sick of the other person not stepping up that you take it all on yourself - and then yes, you want the bed made the way you want the bed made.

My spouse and I actually divide up many responsibilities. He does all the dishes and most of the cooking. And even though he doesn't do either exactly the way I want, I now trust that he is going to get it done well enough - and I don't micromanage. But you have to actually trust your spouse is going to get the thing done reasonably well, without supervision, without nagging or micromanaging, to be able to let go. That takes the spouse not just being a lazy helpless child who actually DOES things.

If the spouse said: OP, your dad and I are going to handle today. We talked to the kids and we think everyone wants a relaxing day at home. You go out and enjoy yourself, and we will take care of things here. If the kids get bored we'll take them out, if they make a mess we'll clean it up, do not worry. I'll bet OP would feel a lot better about the situation - instead of feeling like her dad and husband just can't be bothered to think about a day with three kids instead of having considered options and landing on this one. Freeing OP up instead of what she feels now.

Yeah it's no fun being micromanaged or being with someone who is controlling. But consider how that dynamic arises.

Op here. It would be absolute heaven if my dad and DH would just take the kids and let me do my own thing for an afternoon or a day.

Instead what happens is I do very much reach my max, but when I say “I’m stepping out for a break, you guys are in charge”, the reaction is that I’m the bad guy/jerk and the vibe for the whole day is bad. Even the kids asked me the last time this happened “why are you yelling at Dad???”. I wasn’t even yelling, just speaking forcefully.

And then when I’m gone, bad things happen. I’ll come back to multiple injuries, unwiped butts, glass on the floor, and the kids will not have eaten anything and the needs will be overwhelming the instant I come back. DH and my dad will be freshly showered and chilling on the couch. It’s truly astonishing. And I’m the ahole when I object.

Unwiped butts? Plural? If you have a 5, 6, and 7 year old who are such high/special needs that they can’t even manage to wipe their own butts, I’m not sure why you think any vacation would be relaxing.

Head over to the special needs forum and ask for help planning vacations with special needs kids.

Op here. They are potty trained but yes still get help with wiping. This is not a SN thing, it’s a little boys thing. We have a bidet at home so they just use that and haven’t gotten enough practice wiping I think.

They should be able to wipe themselves at that age. Bidet or no bidet.

Your DH has probably been trained by you not to get in the way of the helicopter blades.