Anonymous
Post 01/08/2024 18:31     Subject: Is anyone stressed about having to clean out parents home?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don’t mean to offend anyone but spending time with elderly parents and in laws (80s) has me very concerned about what will happen when they pass. One set has moved around a lot and has pared down their belongings along the way which is helpful but the other set has been in the same home 50 years and keeps and attaches sentimental value to everything. How do we (a) kindly suggest that they start paring things down and (b) prepare ourselves for having to do it ourselves in the future?


Just let them live and consider it a right of passage. If my child asked me to clean my house so they don’t have to I would be insulted. And at the same time I’m 62 and am attempting to downsize some. Too much stuff and I am trying to get rid of unnecessary papers and documents. Not for my child but so I have less clutter.


spoken like a true Boomer. You would be insulted that your child wanted you to manage a mess of your own creation that will surely cost them time they don't have plus money? Wow. So you don't care about the folks who will have to clean up after you when you are gone? I hope you don't rely on your children for any elder care support with your attitude.



NP but I am a boomer (same age as PP) and just had to clean out my silent gen parent's house. It's not uncommon with silent gen people who have aged in place. I plan to downsize in the next few years and am already getting rid of things. Many of my friends are also looking at downsizing in the next few years. Agree that the PP has an obnoxious view about being insulted, but that's just her, not all boomers have the same view.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2024 16:49     Subject: Is anyone stressed about having to clean out parents home?
Anonymous wrote:My parents just upsized to a 5br home and my mom's main hobby is shopping. They are almost 80. I've posted before. Their house is gorgeous and FULL and they have money to pay away this problem. It's not super stressful to me because 99% of what they have I don't remember, since it's relatively new (because of the shopping). I'd like to think they are one of the few cases where an auction would be profitable or you might sell a house furnished to the right buyer. It's traditional but stylish and not "old" at all.
Yet it's still very stressful.

I can't imagine getting to 80 and thinking "you know what I need? more stuff and a bunch of it." But to each their own and I respect that.

I could never ask them to get rid of stuff. If they weren't healthy and vibrant, maybe. But absolutely not now.


+1. Silent Generation keeping up with the Joneses.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2024 16:10     Subject: Is anyone stressed about having to clean out parents home?
My parents just upsized to a 5br home and my mom's main hobby is shopping. They are almost 80. I've posted before. Their house is gorgeous and FULL and they have money to pay away this problem. It's not super stressful to me because 99% of what they have I don't remember, since it's relatively new (because of the shopping). I'd like to think they are one of the few cases where an auction would be profitable or you might sell a house furnished to the right buyer. It's traditional but stylish and not "old" at all.
Yet it's still very stressful.

I can't imagine getting to 80 and thinking "you know what I need? more stuff and a bunch of it." But to each their own and I respect that.

I could never ask them to get rid of stuff. If they weren't healthy and vibrant, maybe. But absolutely not now.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2024 16:00     Subject: Is anyone stressed about having to clean out parents home?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don’t mean to offend anyone but spending time with elderly parents and in laws (80s) has me very concerned about what will happen when they pass. One set has moved around a lot and has pared down their belongings along the way which is helpful but the other set has been in the same home 50 years and keeps and attaches sentimental value to everything. How do we (a) kindly suggest that they start paring things down and (b) prepare ourselves for having to do it ourselves in the future?


Just let them live and consider it a right of passage. If my child asked me to clean my house so they don’t have to I would be insulted. And at the same time I’m 62 and am attempting to downsize some. Too much stuff and I am trying to get rid of unnecessary papers and documents. Not for my child but so I have less clutter.


spoken like a true Boomer. You would be insulted that your child wanted you to manage a mess of your own creation that will surely cost them time they don't have plus money? Wow. So you don't care about the folks who will have to clean up after you when you are gone? I hope you don't rely on your children for any elder care support with your attitude.



Ha, my Silent Gen ILs told us the same thing. Selfish people im every generation holding onto their precious possessions.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2024 08:48     Subject: Re:Is anyone stressed about having to clean out parents home?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My hang-up is that my parents' home is full of legit heirlooms. Like, the 12-person dining set of some ancestress from the 1840s, lovingly maintained and handed down through the generations. Multiple almost-but-not-quite-complete sets of silver and china. High end porcelain clutter from rich colonial forebears. A bedroom set handmade by some great-great someone who was a renowned artisan. And oh my god the art. SO much art.

And I just. don't. want it. (Ok, maybe the bedroom set, though it needs a new custom sized mattress...) I know I can sell it, but I feel like I'd be breaking the chain. I would be the bad person who let the cherished items pass out of the family. It's been literally hundreds of years with some of this stuff. But it's all too big for my house, or requires storage space I don't have, or time I don't have to maintain it (silver needs to be polished. I had to do it all through my childhood and I vowed never again.)

So yeah. I'm stressed. And the time is coming.


This was me. I went through everything carefully and pulled out the things I wanted, which was about 25-30% of what was in the house. I took the time to get everything that needed to be repaired or reupholstered fixed, so I was happy to be using it. I then let my extended family have anything they wanted, did an estate sale, and offloaded a bunch of stuff that wasn’t nice enough for an estate sale but was too nice to dump on a consignment place. Everything that was left either went on Buy Nothing, a church opportunity shop, or Goodwill. All told, it probably took me 6 weeks - but I had zero regrets or concerns about how everything was disposed of.


If you were able to get rid of that much stuff with that little waste in only six weeks, that's awesome, but you were starting from a much better point than a lot of us
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2024 22:33     Subject: Is anyone stressed about having to clean out parents home?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don’t mean to offend anyone but spending time with elderly parents and in laws (80s) has me very concerned about what will happen when they pass. One set has moved around a lot and has pared down their belongings along the way which is helpful but the other set has been in the same home 50 years and keeps and attaches sentimental value to everything. How do we (a) kindly suggest that they start paring things down and (b) prepare ourselves for having to do it ourselves in the future?


Just let them live and consider it a right of passage. If my child asked me to clean my house so they don’t have to I would be insulted. And at the same time I’m 62 and am attempting to downsize some. Too much stuff and I am trying to get rid of unnecessary papers and documents. Not for my child but so I have less clutter.


spoken like a true Boomer. You would be insulted that your child wanted you to manage a mess of your own creation that will surely cost them time they don't have plus money? Wow. So you don't care about the folks who will have to clean up after you when you are gone? I hope you don't rely on your children for any elder care support with your attitude.

Anonymous
Post 01/03/2024 22:26     Subject: Is anyone stressed about having to clean out parents home?
.

[b]In contrast to the above, my own father has been preparing for years. His affairs are perfectly in order. He has things boxed and labeled. He has been slowly donating things out of old bedrooms and closets. He has made it very clear he doesn’t want to burden us.


God bless your father! I am going to try to be like him!
[/b]


My mother had been widowed for 17 years when she passed. She was already downsized and (fortunately) did not have dementia so she had done a good deal of preparation. Even with all of that, the clear out required multiple trips (D.C. to Florida). Despite a lot of success in donating, gifting friends/relatives, selling, consigning and having stuff hauled away, I reached a point where I had to give up and go back to real life. Which meant I hired guys to box up and ship to us way too much. Still working my way through the stuff (in our basement). But I am determined that our child (also an only) will have an easier job. Now if only DH were on board with me....
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2024 19:32     Subject: Is anyone stressed about having to clean out parents home?
I’ve posted about this often here, but just cleared out my parents’ home of 35 years. So, so much goes to the thrift store. Shocking amount went into the trash. My mom was moving to a relatively large 2 BR/2BA cottage/condo in a continuing care community but had to make some tough decisions about what to move out of her huge home.

My mom was a lifetime SAHM, a meticulous housekeeper and generally very organized however; it was positively grueling to help manage her move and house sale. She had mobility issues and really hadn’t been taking great care of her house since my dad’s death (mold issues, ant and mice infestation, needed a new roof) and began to hoard.

She basically moved everything and then some more. Her apartment is jam-packed. Some items have gone into onsite storage and she is paying for an off site storage unit. Terrible to say, but I’ll end up doing a deep donate/deep clean once she passes away.

Anonymous
Post 01/02/2024 17:43     Subject: Re:Is anyone stressed about having to clean out parents home?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mom is a hoarder and I haven't been in her house in years. I can't worry about it because it's beyond my control. I will hire a company to help. It will be difficult for a variety of reasons. I will deal.

What I can do is start reducing my stuff.


Same, but for my dad. There's absolutely nothing I can do right now and I refuse to spend time worrying about it. My mom has pared down, thank god - she learned that lesson clearing out her parents' house.


I also learned the lesson 40 years ago cleaning older relative's homes. I encourage sharing the task with the next generations. Also, perhaps they can use some of the stuff.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2024 17:25     Subject: Re:Is anyone stressed about having to clean out parents home?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My hang-up is that my parents' home is full of legit heirlooms. Like, the 12-person dining set of some ancestress from the 1840s, lovingly maintained and handed down through the generations. Multiple almost-but-not-quite-complete sets of silver and china. High end porcelain clutter from rich colonial forebears. A bedroom set handmade by some great-great someone who was a renowned artisan. And oh my god the art. SO much art.

And I just. don't. want it. (Ok, maybe the bedroom set, though it needs a new custom sized mattress...) I know I can sell it, but I feel like I'd be breaking the chain. I would be the bad person who let the cherished items pass out of the family. It's been literally hundreds of years with some of this stuff. But it's all too big for my house, or requires storage space I don't have, or time I don't have to maintain it (silver needs to be polished. I had to do it all through my childhood and I vowed never again.)

So yeah. I'm stressed. And the time is coming.


This was me. I went through everything carefully and pulled out the things I wanted, which was about 25-30% of what was in the house. I took the time to get everything that needed to be repaired or reupholstered fixed, so I was happy to be using it. I then let my extended family have anything they wanted, did an estate sale, and offloaded a bunch of stuff that wasn’t nice enough for an estate sale but was too nice to dump on a consignment place. Everything that was left either went on Buy Nothing, a church opportunity shop, or Goodwill. All told, it probably took me 6 weeks - but I had zero regrets or concerns about how everything was disposed of.


I'm really hoping some of my extended family will step up and keep the antiques in the family. I loved hearing the stories when I was little. "This belonged to your great great aunt Minnie, your Grandpa Ed's aunt who took care of him during the Depression. Remember we made her water pie recipe? The Depression was a time when... "
So much of my context for American history is tied to various items. I guess I'm a tad sentimental, but not sentimental enough to store a giant mahogany sideboard on the off-chance I'm going to have space for it some day.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2024 17:15     Subject: Is anyone stressed about having to clean out parents home?
had to do this with my parents stuff. huge farmhouse with walk-in attic, and two barns. I had a newborn and lived 2 hours away. It took 4 months of winnowing, one 30-yard dumpster, six dump trucks, countless goodwill runs, & family taking whatever they wanted to get the house clear enough to paint and list for sale.

The winning bidder read the room and said the sellers could take whatever they wanted and leave whatever they wanted and they would deal/donate. 30-day close, and done.

Of course, there is now a bunch of shit I need to get rid of in my basement, but I have more time to deal with that I hope.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2024 17:08     Subject: Re:Is anyone stressed about having to clean out parents home?
Anonymous wrote:My hang-up is that my parents' home is full of legit heirlooms. Like, the 12-person dining set of some ancestress from the 1840s, lovingly maintained and handed down through the generations. Multiple almost-but-not-quite-complete sets of silver and china. High end porcelain clutter from rich colonial forebears. A bedroom set handmade by some great-great someone who was a renowned artisan. And oh my god the art. SO much art.

And I just. don't. want it. (Ok, maybe the bedroom set, though it needs a new custom sized mattress...) I know I can sell it, but I feel like I'd be breaking the chain. I would be the bad person who let the cherished items pass out of the family. It's been literally hundreds of years with some of this stuff. But it's all too big for my house, or requires storage space I don't have, or time I don't have to maintain it (silver needs to be polished. I had to do it all through my childhood and I vowed never again.)

So yeah. I'm stressed. And the time is coming.


This was me. I went through everything carefully and pulled out the things I wanted, which was about 25-30% of what was in the house. I took the time to get everything that needed to be repaired or reupholstered fixed, so I was happy to be using it. I then let my extended family have anything they wanted, did an estate sale, and offloaded a bunch of stuff that wasn’t nice enough for an estate sale but was too nice to dump on a consignment place. Everything that was left either went on Buy Nothing, a church opportunity shop, or Goodwill. All told, it probably took me 6 weeks - but I had zero regrets or concerns about how everything was disposed of.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2024 17:00     Subject: Is anyone stressed about having to clean out parents home?
My aunt was a hoarder; she was unmarried and had no kids. When she died, her siblings invited her immediate family to come and take what they wanted. It wasn't easy to sort through all the crap so I didn't take anything. After that, they hired a company that came in and cleaned everything out. I'm not sure what the company did with all the stuff they cleared out. Probably trashed it.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2024 16:44     Subject: Is anyone stressed about having to clean out parents home?
It helps so much for siblings to all be on the same page. We were. We cleared-out my parent's home quickly and got it on the market quickly. Ironically, it then sat unsold (a few years ago) for what turned out to be a year. (it as a complicated property). There were plenty of times during that year that I had second thoughts re: stuff. The cleaning out happened so quickly and then it turned out there was all this time. Maybe I would have decided differently, not discarding so many things? But being on the same page with siblings was very valuable, for the relationship. And I can't really think of a specific thing I wish I had kept.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2024 16:35     Subject: Re:Is anyone stressed about having to clean out parents home?
Anonymous wrote:My hang-up is that my parents' home is full of legit heirlooms. Like, the 12-person dining set of some ancestress from the 1840s, lovingly maintained and handed down through the generations. Multiple almost-but-not-quite-complete sets of silver and china. High end porcelain clutter from rich colonial forebears. A bedroom set handmade by some great-great someone who was a renowned artisan. And oh my god the art. SO much art.

And I just. don't. want it. (Ok, maybe the bedroom set, though it needs a new custom sized mattress...) I know I can sell it, but I feel like I'd be breaking the chain. I would be the bad person who let the cherished items pass out of the family. It's been literally hundreds of years with some of this stuff. But it's all too big for my house, or requires storage space I don't have, or time I don't have to maintain it (silver needs to be polished. I had to do it all through my childhood and I vowed never again.)

So yeah. I'm stressed. And the time is coming.


Hire someone to take it and auction it if it is actually valuable. Or have an estate sale. There are people who will do this for enough high end stuff.

I had to clean out my mothers' house of 60+ years this past year. She moved to a smaller place so took some things, but otherwise we had to get the place empty to sell. Honestly I trashed most of it. I just made a trash pile in every room and hired someone to take it all away. Had to do that a couple of times to make space for the next phase. The attic was 80% trash. Definitely had to do it when my mother wasn't there. We donated some of the usable stuff. I probably missed some valuable items amidst the trash but I think I found most of it. It was super time consuming but grateful that it is done and it has definitely motivated me to get rid of stuff in our house. I am already pretty ruthless about stuff, but could probably get rid of half the things we have in our attic and will do that over the winter.