Anonymous wrote:I'm long divorced now but back when I was married to someone several years older than me, I was the one denied sex. I am a woman. It was incredibly painful to be rejected by him and I would urge anybody who is denying sex to their spouse to reconsider their actions. I also don't buy the "shredded vagina tissue" argument. There are plenty of sex positions you can offer as a woman that don't involve your vagina, and all of that counts as sex, especially if it allows him to come.

Man here and I understand the pain of rejection

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?

How old are you, op? At some point sex just isn't as important..gasp!

So, this is Exhibit 1 of the problem. For some people at some point sex just isn’t as important. But it’s not so for others, so from the beginning be brutally honest with each other about your sexual needs and don’t assume that your way is the only way.

As sad as it sounds, sex can be a deal breaker for some couples, and there can be irreconcilable differences.

I don’t know. Men on here keep saying that sex is incredibly important to them, but in real life, it seems like there are a lot of things that are just as important if not more important.
For example, my husband, a physician, had to give a lecture to his fellows over lunch today. He could have skipped it without it impacting his career, come home, and we would have had sex. But he didn’t want to do that. Or he could leave the academic center and get a job doing chart reviews or telemedicine, and we would have more sex. But he doesn’t want to do that either.
Sex is just not the most important thing in life for anyone, man or woman.

You sound incredibly stupid. People have multiple responsibilities and more than one thing can be important to a person. It’s about managing your time

Anonymous wrote:Men: stop taking blood thinners. (Can't get it up any more?).
Women: stop taking SSRI's (nothing kills the libido faster).

So you die early, but you'll go out with a smile on your face!

I took birth control very briefly in my 20s, and it absolutely killed my libido. I’m surprised no one really mentions how hormonal birth control can do this.

Men: stop taking blood thinners. (Can't get it up any more?).
Women: stop taking SSRI's (nothing kills the libido faster).

So you die early, but you'll go out with a smile on your face!

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Anonymous wrote:Spend time laughing together.

I agree. My husband and I were driving to dinner tonight and he had me in stitches over something incredibly stupid. He’s the only person who makes me laugh that way and we’ve been married forever.

I'm sure laughing together doesn't hurt, but I am very skeptical about how big an element laughter is on the path to getting your wife hot and bothered. I make my wife laugh a lot. It doesn't lead to much heat in the bedroom. In fact, I have made a lot of women laugh quite a bit over the years and they weren't exactly throwing themselves at me. (As some rando on the Internet, you'll have to trust me - I'm pretty funny. I'm not an Adonis but I'm not physically repulsive either.) Anyway, my "lived experience" as the kids say, doesn't suggest that there is a strong correlation between laughter and sex.

So maybe it's a certain kind of laughing together? Giggling over dry wit maybe isn't it?

There are two parts in relationships: avoiding negative feeling and adding positive feelings. It’s hard to resent the person you are laughing with. But you still have to add on the positive side of the equation too. For some people, laughing does that. But I’m sorry your wife isn’t in the category.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spend time laughing together.

I agree. My husband and I were driving to dinner tonight and he had me in stitches over something incredibly stupid. He’s the only person who makes me laugh that way and we’ve been married forever.

I'm sure laughing together doesn't hurt, but I am very skeptical about how big an element laughter is on the path to getting your wife hot and bothered. I make my wife laugh a lot. It doesn't lead to much heat in the bedroom. In fact, I have made a lot of women laugh quite a bit over the years and they weren't exactly throwing themselves at me. (As some rando on the Internet, you'll have to trust me - I'm pretty funny. I'm not an Adonis but I'm not physically repulsive either.) Anyway, my "lived experience" as the kids say, doesn't suggest that there is a strong correlation between laughter and sex.
So maybe it's a certain kind of laughing together? Giggling over dry wit maybe isn't it?

Laughter is just part of a good relationship and a good relationship is an important part of having desire. No one has ever made me laugh so hard I want to have sex with them.

The only way to have more sex is to not want it. You can't be needy. Anything you do to increase your chances of having sex with the goal of increasing your chances of having sex does not count.

Both partners have to prioritize it and don’t whine or be needy.

Then, you can skip out on all the complaining on this page.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spend time laughing together.

I agree. My husband and I were driving to dinner tonight and he had me in stitches over something incredibly stupid. He’s the only person who makes me laugh that way and we’ve been married forever.

I'm sure laughing together doesn't hurt, but I am very skeptical about how big an element laughter is on the path to getting your wife hot and bothered. I make my wife laugh a lot. It doesn't lead to much heat in the bedroom. In fact, I have made a lot of women laugh quite a bit over the years and they weren't exactly throwing themselves at me. (As some rando on the Internet, you'll have to trust me - I'm pretty funny. I'm not an Adonis but I'm not physically repulsive either.) Anyway, my "lived experience" as the kids say, doesn't suggest that there is a strong correlation between laughter and sex.

So maybe it's a certain kind of laughing together? Giggling over dry wit maybe isn't it?

Anonymous wrote:Spend time laughing together.

I agree. My husband and I were driving to dinner tonight and he had me in stitches over something incredibly stupid. He’s the only person who makes me laugh that way and we’ve been married forever.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married 38 years and we still maintain an active sex life although it’s down to once a week, sometimes twice. On a daily basis there is always some affection. We never fight, rarely argue and when we disagree we find a reasonable way to resolve it. We are both pretty independent and low maintenance. We raised three successful kids and we were always aligned on parenting. We both had successful careers and my husband was very supportive of the crazy path I took. While we are independent we do rely on each other for advice and help. In a nutshell we are great friends and sex is still a part of that friendship and the sex has always been good enough that we both initiate.

Did you do HRT or just get lucky?

PP - HRT and lube and my husband knows not to linger too long and I usually lend a helping hand. What’s most important is that the desire is still there and there are ways to work around any physical issues.

Key words: the desire is still there. If.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Things change, but if you can’t get it up unless she has a BMI of 20 or less or you think that annual sex is a perfectly acceptable outcome when the marriage is more than 5 years old, don’t withhold that info from the other person."

I'm OP and give this +100! I wish I'd had that conversation with my spouse before I married him. Don't marry anybody who believes it's acceptable to have a sexless marriage unless you're okay with it. Both people should be honest about what they're committing to for life. It never occurred to me to ask this question when we were dating because it didn't even seem like a possibility.

DH and I had wild, satisfying, acrobatic sex for years before he decided that meh, it's not that important. Who could have guessed that was a possibility?? He wouldn't have! People change.

Indeed people change. Some lose interest in sex, others lose interest in monogamy.

Anonymous wrote:Überlube is your friend.

doesn't help in all cases. We've tried. Vaginal atrophy + menopause.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Things change, but if you can’t get it up unless she has a BMI of 20 or less or you think that annual sex is a perfectly acceptable outcome when the marriage is more than 5 years old, don’t withhold that info from the other person."

I'm OP and give this +100! I wish I'd had that conversation with my spouse before I married him. Don't marry anybody who believes it's acceptable to have a sexless marriage unless you're okay with it. Both people should be honest about what they're committing to for life. It never occurred to me to ask this question when we were dating because it didn't even seem like a possibility.

DH and I had wild, satisfying, acrobatic sex for years before he decided that meh, it's not that important. Who could have guessed that was a possibility?? He wouldn't have! People change.

This is true. I used to think that sex drive was sort of like height; you just have what you are wired with and that’s that. Turns out it really ebbs and flows with life circumstances. Not for everyone, but many, many people have less desire for sex when they are sick, tired, touched-out from kids, experiencing hormone fluctuations, stressed about a work deadline, find no attractive people in sight, etc. It’s not simple.

The best thing you can do to maintain your sex life, probably, is learn what it means for your partner needs to have a good sex life and try to help them maintain that state of being. Or at least ensure they get to that point sometimes. But even then, people are people and bodies are bodies and they don’t stay the same.

Anonymous wrote:"Things change, but if you can’t get it up unless she has a BMI of 20 or less or you think that annual sex is a perfectly acceptable outcome when the marriage is more than 5 years old, don’t withhold that info from the other person."

I'm OP and give this +100! I wish I'd had that conversation with my spouse before I married him. Don't marry anybody who believes it's acceptable to have a sexless marriage unless you're okay with it. Both people should be honest about what they're committing to for life. It never occurred to me to ask this question when we were dating because it didn't even seem like a possibility.

DH and I had wild, satisfying, acrobatic sex for years before he decided that meh, it's not that important. Who could have guessed that was a possibility?? He wouldn't have! People change.