Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 17:29     Subject: Re:Counting down until kids leave to divorce
Anonymous wrote:Having a good marriage is about hard work and luck. Most couples work hard at having a good marriage, at least early on, but luck plays a very big role. The list of external stresses a marriage can face is too long to recite here but luck plays a big role in not experiencing more than just a few of them. But sometimes they just pile on and create enormous marital stress and the marriage falls apart. I’ve been very happily married a long time and when people ask me what the secret I say luck and hard work plus more luck. We have faced stress such as a very ill child (fully recovered!) and job loss but they were spread out and we recovered. I know we have been lucky and I thank God for it.


This
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 17:16     Subject: Re:Counting down until kids leave to divorce
Anonymous wrote:Having a good marriage is about hard work and luck. Most couples work hard at having a good marriage, at least early on, but luck plays a very big role. The list of external stresses a marriage can face is too long to recite here but luck plays a big role in not experiencing more than just a few of them. But sometimes they just pile on and create enormous marital stress and the marriage falls apart. I’ve been very happily married a long time and when people ask me what the secret I say luck and hard work plus more luck. We have faced stress such as a very ill child (fully recovered!) and job loss but they were spread out and we recovered. I know we have been lucky and I thank God for it.


The stresses often cause a situation where two people want to divorce but are stuck in a marriage. I have friends with special needs kids where the marriage has already fallen apart with the stress related to that, but they have to stay together in the same house with no end in sight because it requires two people to manage everything for their child, who probably will live with them into their 20s.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 14:05     Subject: Counting down until kids leave to divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Who else?

How many years left?

I have 10


That’s a horribly long time for faking it


NP. I faked it for 10 years. Horrible marriage from the start. Divorce suprisingly has not been more freeing. In fact, it is worse in many ways. More communication. More money. Kids are fine. But I am angrier than I was before. If I had known, I would have continued faking it until college.


Sounds like you are an angry person and unhappy regardless of what the situation is.


Well, yeah. I did not sign up for this.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 14:03     Subject: Counting down until kids leave to divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I really wish people realized that its damaging to the kids when you stay unhappily married until the youngest is out of the house. People seem to have this naive idea that staying doesn't mess kids up too.


I read a book about this and the therapist who wrote the book basically said that if you are somewhat amicable low conflict roommates it’s better for the kids than divorce. Kids are not THAT aware or interested with what is going on with their parents. They worry about themselves. If you can provide them a safe and peaceful home they are fine. YMMV.


Yes, it's obvious, and anyone who pretends otherwise has an agenda. Which doesn't mean you should force yourself to wait if you don't want to! Parents' needs count as well. But it's just something to keep in mind.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 14:01     Subject: Re:Counting down until kids leave to divorce
Having a good marriage is about hard work and luck. Most couples work hard at having a good marriage, at least early on, but luck plays a very big role. The list of external stresses a marriage can face is too long to recite here but luck plays a big role in not experiencing more than just a few of them. But sometimes they just pile on and create enormous marital stress and the marriage falls apart. I’ve been very happily married a long time and when people ask me what the secret I say luck and hard work plus more luck. We have faced stress such as a very ill child (fully recovered!) and job loss but they were spread out and we recovered. I know we have been lucky and I thank God for it.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 13:49     Subject: Counting down until kids leave to divorce
My H was gone last night and I can’t describe just how much lighter the house feels when he isn’t around. Kids had friends over, we played music, had takeout- I know they feel it too.

I only have 5 1/2 more years!!
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 13:39     Subject: Counting down until kids leave to divorce
3.5 years
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 12:58     Subject: Counting down until kids leave to divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Who else?

How many years left?

I have 10


That’s a horribly long time for faking it


NP. I faked it for 10 years. Horrible marriage from the start. Divorce suprisingly has not been more freeing. In fact, it is worse in many ways. More communication. More money. Kids are fine. But I am angrier than I was before. If I had known, I would have continued faking it until college.


Sounds like you are a angry person and unhappy regardless of what the situation is.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2023 20:28     Subject: Counting down until kids leave to divorce
Correction: So where are the kids on M and T?
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2023 20:27     Subject: Counting down until kids leave to divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Who else?

How many years left?

I have 10


That’s a horribly long time for faking it


NP. I faked it for 10 years. Horrible marriage from the start. Divorce suprisingly has not been more freeing. In fact, it is worse in many ways. More communication. More money. Kids are fine. But I am angrier than I was before. If I had known, I would have continued faking it until college.


OP here

This is what I think. Divorced coparenting sucks, if your marriage is dysfunctional in certain ways that won’t be better with divorce it is better to suck it up and deal.

We tried the separation and it wasn’t better for me.


PP here. It is so bad, I may move back into the marital home for a year (leave to a hotel some weekends) and then try nesting for a year. It’s been years and it is worse than before. It is like there is no escape until college anyway.


We own a weekend home about an hour from NOVA. I've done it where I will stay there Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and return home Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I focus on being there for our kids and that's it. The bills are paid.


So where are the kids not with you on M and T? Because I'm trying to figure out the school situation.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2023 14:43     Subject: Counting down until kids leave to divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Who else?

How many years left?

I have 10


That’s a horribly long time for faking it


NP. I faked it for 10 years. Horrible marriage from the start. Divorce suprisingly has not been more freeing. In fact, it is worse in many ways. More communication. More money. Kids are fine. But I am angrier than I was before. If I had known, I would have continued faking it until college.


OP here

This is what I think. Divorced coparenting sucks, if your marriage is dysfunctional in certain ways that won’t be better with divorce it is better to suck it up and deal.

We tried the separation and it wasn’t better for me.


PP here. It is so bad, I may move back into the marital home for a year (leave to a hotel some weekends) and then try nesting for a year. It’s been years and it is worse than before. It is like there is no escape until college anyway.


We own a weekend home about an hour from NOVA. I've done it where I will stay there Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and return home Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I focus on being there for our kids and that's it. The bills are paid.


I have a job and kid activities. That won’t work.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2023 12:40     Subject: Counting down until kids leave to divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Who else?

How many years left?

I have 10


That’s a horribly long time for faking it


NP. I faked it for 10 years. Horrible marriage from the start. Divorce suprisingly has not been more freeing. In fact, it is worse in many ways. More communication. More money. Kids are fine. But I am angrier than I was before. If I had known, I would have continued faking it until college.


OP here

This is what I think. Divorced coparenting sucks, if your marriage is dysfunctional in certain ways that won’t be better with divorce it is better to suck it up and deal.

We tried the separation and it wasn’t better for me.


PP here. It is so bad, I may move back into the marital home for a year (leave to a hotel some weekends) and then try nesting for a year. It’s been years and it is worse than before. It is like there is no escape until college anyway.


We own a weekend home about an hour from NOVA. I've done it where I will stay there Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and return home Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I focus on being there for our kids and that's it. The bills are paid.