Anonymous wrote:All oncology nurses have stories about men leaving their wives due to cancer.

If I were you, I'd beat him to the punch. If my DH is scared but can't deal with that while being supportive, he isn't worth much to me.

That’s the thing. He is scared? Put your big boy pants on and show up jackass. I have no sympathy for him.

DC was diagnosed with a rare disease in pre-k and while I was a complete wreck, DH’s response was strange and very muted. It was like he was physically there but not “there” there. I think men are just not raised to have real coping skills or show emotion or to be able to talk about their feelings. Because I was so focused on my child I did not really focus on DH.

It is hard as hell to go through this—for the patient AND for the spouse.

OP, what does he say when you tell him you need him to do xyz things that you need?

Anonymous wrote:Talking won’t fix the problem. Leave him alone!

Right? OP has a tumor but she should leave her husband alone. Wives should not rely on their husbands for any type of support, clearly.

/s

How awful some husbands are.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am absolutely flabbergasted at the people on husband's side.
The woman has CANCER this isn't the time to be like "do you ask him if he's ok"

Some of you must be raising terrible sons.

Agreed. She is a fight for her life, that’s why she doesn’t have the mental energy to devote to making sure he’s okay.

+1 I bet those men are man-babies, especially when they get sick.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want from him exactly? Is this cancer tumor?

I want to be able to talk to my spouse about how scared and worried I am without him getting angry at me (as though he thinks I did something to cause this just to annoy him). I also want him to ask me how I'm doing once in a while. I want to feel seen during a difficult time, and not ignored.

I think my expectations are pretty realistic.

I know this will feel like a pile on, but how often do you ask him
The same? How HE is doing? Do you see him during this difficult time?

Most oncology services have professional mental and spiritual Health contacts, please seek them out.

Np It is a pile on and I'm assuming Op's dh probably shuts down any talk about his feelings/health too! Pp you are a real jerk. When you are sick and worried I hope someone calls you out for not considering other people's feelings!

+1 FFS. OP is the one with a tumor but some people think she should be the one to offer the shoulder to cry on? WTF

It's sad that OP cannot lean on her husband in troubled times, and that she has to go outside to deal with her issues. How sad.

I bet if the situation was reversed, OP would be there for her husband.

IMO, he's pathetic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want from him exactly? Is this cancer tumor?

I want to be able to talk to my spouse about how scared and worried I am without him getting angry at me (as though he thinks I did something to cause this just to annoy him). I also want him to ask me how I'm doing once in a while. I want to feel seen during a difficult time, and not ignored.

I think my expectations are pretty realistic.

I know this will feel like a pile on, but how often do you ask him
The same? How HE is doing? Do you see him during this difficult time?

Most oncology services have professional mental and spiritual Health contacts, please seek them out.

Np It is a pile on and I'm assuming Op's dh probably shuts down any talk about his feelings/health too! Pp you are a real jerk. When you are sick and worried I hope someone calls you out for not considering other people's feelings!

so I don't feel ready to go to a group thing again

Op -- YOU aren't comfortable communicating ... yet you expect your Husband to communicate perfectly.
It's a hard subject. And people have their limits.
You do. He does.

For all those “watching” a tumor, why don’t you get that sucker removed ASAP?

Anonymous wrote:All oncology nurses have stories about men leaving their wives due to cancer.

If I were you, I'd beat him to the punch. If my DH is scared but can't deal with that while being supportive, he isn't worth much to me.

Wow incredibly poor advice

Anonymous wrote:I am absolutely flabbergasted at the people on husband's side.
The woman has CANCER this isn't the time to be like "do you ask him if he's ok"

Some of you must be raising terrible sons.

Agreed. She is a fight for her life, that’s why she doesn’t have the mental energy to devote to making sure he’s okay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want from him exactly? Is this cancer tumor?

I want to be able to talk to my spouse about how scared and worried I am without him getting angry at me (as though he thinks I did something to cause this just to annoy him). I also want him to ask me how I'm doing once in a while. I want to feel seen during a difficult time, and not ignored.

I think my expectations are pretty realistic.

My BFF has the same situation, she feels like she is the one with cancer and yet her husband expects to be comforted. It’s a complete communication breakdown that like yours, hasn’t improved with time. She recently got some tough news from a scan and called me and said she didn’t even want to tel her husband because she needs support and he can’t give it.

Your expectations are completely reasonable and I’m sorry you are dealing with both your health issues and your spouse. No advice but wanted to say you are not alone. Glad you have a therapist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am absolutely flabbergasted at the people on husband's side.
The woman has CANCER this isn't the time to be like "do you ask him if he's ok"

Some of you must be raising terrible sons.

Caregiver burnout is a real and terrible thing. Yes, she has cancer, and because of people like you, caregivers are just supposed to sit up and shut up. Sounds like he stepped up last time, and probably will again, but he is also allowed to be tired, angry, frustrated, frightened, sad.

Yes, OP is the sick one, but it also sounds like she has a support network. She is not as alone and isolated as she is forcing herself to be at the moment.

Not really. He played silent taxi cab driver and order in guy.

Know what’s lonelier than an empty house?
A house with a spouse who never talks or has back and forth conversations with anyone.

And yet, the relationship has endured another 6 years. You know what makes you realize life is too short for being in places you’re not wanting to be in? A life changing diagnosis.

It’s a unrealistic fairy tale to believe that one person in your life can be everything at all times. And a lovely house is not the only place in the world - you have to fill your own bucket with the people and things that make you not feel lonely.

OP, sorry to hear about your diagnosis. That is really scary. Hopefully, if it is slow growing, the treatment will be effective, especially since it seems to have been caught early. People rarely die from the original tumor; it's the metastasis.

On your relationship, why do you think your DH finds talking to you about this challenging (to use your word)? You obviously need a lot of help navigating feelings, but often it's hard to get that from a partner, who will have a number of complicated feelings to navigate.

Do you criticize his responses? Lash out? Or perhaps you need a shoulder to cry on and he can't get past his need to "fix" the problem. Or maybe he's ill equipped for emotional conversations.