Anonymous wrote:How old are you OP? You have a 2 year old and your mom is 88? You had the second baby after you moved in with mom, and now that you’re going back to work you have what 2 kids in daycare? Who was with your mom during the day then?
What is your net worth? As a woman who had kids later it must be substantial? What is your monthly income?
It sounds like your main purpose in getting your mom in a nursing home is to get her out of the house and make your life easier. That’s understandable but still wrong. It’s her house OP. You weren’t supposed to get it until after she died. I have a hard time believing you thought you and your family were just moving in there temporarily. You knew you were staying. You even had another baby there. Unfortunately I don’t think you are going to listen to anyone who says anything other than get her out of the house. That’s why you hired the lawyer.

You must be fun at parties

Anonymous wrote:Do not sell real estate or move assets around without consulting an attorney who knows this area — National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys is a good credential. Do not take lay or amateur advice on Medicaid/nursing home issues.

This post should be @ the top of this forum: just because someone is a lawyer doesn’t mean they understand elder law. Find a lawyer with this credential, someone who is recommended by community agencies working with seniors, etc. Do not cut corners, mess around here.

Anonymous wrote:
OP, you are right to find a safe home for her. I love it when people say 'hire help'. Have they actually TRIED to hire help? It's very difficult, and then hopefully they will actually show up. Easy for sister to say 'hire help'...she's not the one who has to handle everything when help does not come.

I had this kind of situation with my father and was the sibling saying “let’s hire help.” In reality, we absolutely couldn’t get the in-home help we needed for the same price as assisted living care.

And, if and when your father needs help getting up even to get into a wheelchair, it’s super hard for female laypeople who don’t do that regularly to do that well on their own.

I slept on an air mattress in my dad’s memory care unit the last week of his life. The social scene for patients there who knew what was going on was not great, but my dad had only a vague idea of what was going on, and it was fine for him in his situation.

The food was so so, but he didn’t eat the great food I got delivered any more than he ate the so so good.

Kind people came in to check on him all the time. They were much better at talking to him and getting him to do necessary things than I was. They gave him a choice about whether to stay in his room of came out but were good at trying to get him out.

So, facility care could simply be better for your dad as well as easier on you. If necessary, hold costs down by finding a place out of town.

But, conversely, hospice-managed death was not dramatic and scary. My dad just glided to an end. So, if you keep your mother at home and have hospice help, end of life might not be especially traumatic

Anonymous wrote:My siblings and I and our adult kids all pitched in to take care of our mom at the end. We had an aide 8-4 M-F but we did the rest. It was not a burden or a nightmare, it was a privilege.

I don't know why you don't want to expose your kids to the normal ageing and dying process, they've already seen a lot of it. It won't hurt them to see the rest.

You did it with adult children, op's are very young. Also, it sounds like many of you had parents that could help themselves a little bit. My mom needed to wear diapers and sadly same with my mother in law. As long as someone would feed them (both couldn't feed themselves anymore), the diapers needed changing.

Can you get a reverse mortgage?

Hi Op, it sounds like mom is nearing or last days. I say this from experience. Its best to keep her home as her days are numbered and its not worth setting up new residence anywhere. Its best thst you start planning for her transition. The frequent falls happen once end of life is near. With kindness and love I wish someone would have told me this.

I feel for you and your parent. These phases are tough. Just put yourself in their shoes when making the decision.

My siblings and I and our adult kids all pitched in to take care of our mom at the end. We had an aide 8-4 M-F but we did the rest. It was not a burden or a nightmare, it was a privilege.

I don't know why you don't want to expose your kids to the normal ageing and dying process, they've already seen a lot of it. It won't hurt them to see the rest.

How old are you OP? You have a 2 year old and your mom is 88? You had the second baby after you moved in with mom, and now that you’re going back to work you have what 2 kids in daycare? Who was with your mom during the day then?
What is your net worth? As a woman who had kids later it must be substantial? What is your monthly income?
It sounds like your main purpose in getting your mom in a nursing home is to get her out of the house and make your life easier. That’s understandable but still wrong. It’s her house OP. You weren’t supposed to get it until after she died. I have a hard time believing you thought you and your family were just moving in there temporarily. You knew you were staying. You even had another baby there. Unfortunately I don’t think you are going to listen to anyone who says anything other than get her out of the house. That’s why you hired the lawyer.

Anonymous wrote:I’m with OP - her mother is not able to live without proper medical supervision. How does bringing her home help? i reckon many of those calling OP a monster and shaming them etc. have no absolutely no idea what such home care actually entails - it can take over their life and is exhausting.

A previous poster and all their siblings stopped saving for retirement for 6 years. That is nuts. Stopping saving for college and postpone retirement is how you will wreck your future. Ask your grandkids to take out more loans for college while you’re at it. And who needs vacations? Just stay at home 365 days a year because Mom wants to “be home”.

Parents, is how you will truly ruin your children’s lives. Plan accordingly.

How about they all get out of the house and sell it, use the proceeds for excellent care for mom?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, you won’t be able to find anything for $6500 a month, and that won’t even get you 8 hours of care a day.

She could find an assisted living/group home for that amount. Call “A Place for Mom” or “Owl Be There.”

Also - if she is still in the rehab, they can work with you to transition your mom to LTC Medicaid.

Mom. Reds more than assisted living. They can sell the house to pay for it. They can get their own housing.

I’m with OP - her mother is not able to live without proper medical supervision. How does bringing her home help? i reckon many of those calling OP a monster and shaming them etc. have no absolutely no idea what such home care actually entails - it can take over their life and is exhausting.

A previous poster and all their siblings stopped saving for retirement for 6 years. That is nuts. Stopping saving for college and postpone retirement is how you will wreck your future. Ask your grandkids to take out more loans for college while you’re at it. And who needs vacations? Just stay at home 365 days a year because Mom wants to “be home”.

Parents, is how you will truly ruin your children’s lives. Plan accordingly.

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, you won’t be able to find anything for $6500 a month, and that won’t even get you 8 hours of care a day.

She could find an assisted living/group home for that amount. Call “A Place for Mom” or “Owl Be There.”

Also - if she is still in the rehab, they can work with you to transition your mom to LTC Medicaid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Medicare homes take patients who spend down all their assets, then live there until end of life on the government’s dime.
This means you need to move your family out because the house will have to go. Or that you buy the house at an advantageous price now so it’s not hers on paper.

While you figure this out, hire an aide.

Even if they buy the house at market value wouldn’t it be part of the 5 year look back?

DP. The money for the house sale (regardless of who bought it) would be used for nursing care. If it is a significant amount of money, mother would no longer qualify for medicaid, and then she would have to go into a private pay nursing home, paid for by her pension and proceeds from the house.

The house is no longer the mother's to sell.

The mother stupidly gave it to her daughters who will not inherit it, but keep her mom’s cost basis from probably 1975. Now they won’t even pay for moms’s care.

Yeah, I’ll be remembering this story. And checking in to a nice CCRC when we’re in our early 80s.

You are living there? You only need to hire help for the work hours you are not there. Or 10-12 hours, not 24.

We hired help for my dad even though my mom was there. 8 hours day. Dad was sleeping most of the time. Mom could go the senior center for lunch and socializing, and to the pool for exercise. Grocery shipping.

No way were we kicking my father out of his own home at the end of his life.

We 3 kids chipped in. It meant no contributions to our retirement for those years but who cares? Its our dad!

We did that for 6 years until my dad passed.