Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the expectations should be based on work hours, not income. Across the board, pay is not generally reflective of how long or hard you work, some industries just pay a lot more than others.

That said, as someone who earns about 70% more than my husband and feels the after work/dinner scramble, lower the weeknight cooking expectations so one of you can get it on the table fast. We do a lot of leftovers of meals cooked on the weekend, pasta once a week, frozen food once a week, breakfast for dinner, and so on.

+1. It should obviously be based on total work hours, unless 1 person chooses a very intense but low-paying job, which they shouldn’t do with kids. But both OP and her DH work similar hours. Even if a family has a SAHP, both parents need to contribute on evenings and weekends.

This is not living in reality. Should a surgeon who earns 900K with a pre-school teacher husband who earns 70K expect to do a 50/50 split of chores?

If the surgeon works more hours than the preschool teacher, no. If they work the same number of hours, yes. If the surgeon has a problem with it, he/she can invite the teacher to make homelife his/her job and support their spouse, or they can use their high earnings to outsource. They don’t get to demand a spouse maintain a full time job earning money outside the home PLUS do all the work of a housewife/SAHP. Pick one or the other.

I don’t know if this pp is dumb or naive. Real life doesn’t work that way.

I don’t know, it’s the way my life is - I make around $300k and my husband makes 10x that. I could quit but we essentially view my job is an insurance policy until we’ve hit our retirement savings goal, which is high. Since we’re both working similar hours, we both put in the same hours at home/with the kids. If/when I do quit, I will pick up much more but in the meantime, it’s about both of us working full time, not money earned.

Your husband makes $3M a year and yet you are working as much as he does for $300k as an “insurance policy”? Do you have anxiety or something?

It's got to be fiction. No one with the chops to earn $3,000,000/ year is going to be so inefficient with their use of time that they would spend any significant amount of it on "household chores."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You split it so everyone is working roughly the same, irrespective of earnings. I say that as the person who’s earned between 90 and 100 percent of the household income for many years. When I’m earning 100 percent of the income, as I am now, I don’t think I should get a pass in any household chores.

I am woman who has earned 100% most of the years since having kids. You better believe working all those hours gets me out of many household chores. My DH and children agree.

You earning 100% means your husband is a stay at home parent. Obviously he does the chores in that case, because that’s his job. This post is talking about two people who BOTH work outside the home for income. So your situation is completely irrelevant.

That bolded assertion is ridiculous. Tons of spouses who earn 100% routinely shop for groceries, cook breakfast/dinner, clean up after meals, read to children, put them to bed, mow the lawn, put up the storm windows, clean the gutters, change the oil, wash the car, rake the leaves, drive to sports, give kids baths, you name it.

That doesn’t mean that it’s bad for the 100% earner to relax after work while the spouse scurries around. The SAH spouse has plenty of down time while the WOH spouse is commuting/working, particularly with kids in school all day.

So dollar earnings should have zero to do with chore splits — it should be all about trying to provide adequate free time to each spouse and dividing tasks equally during waking hours not earning pay other than the adequate free time.

First, anything related to parenting the children is not a household chore (so putting the kids to bed or giving them a bath is something a parent does regardless of their employment status).

Second, many people with SAH spouses CHOOSE to do some of the other chores you listed in their free time, and that’s great. However, it does not make it a ridiculous assertion that the expectation is for the spouse whose job it is to take care of the home (by staying at home) is the spouse who is default responsible for those things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You split it so everyone is working roughly the same, irrespective of earnings. I say that as the person who’s earned between 90 and 100 percent of the household income for many years. When I’m earning 100 percent of the income, as I am now, I don’t think I should get a pass in any household chores.

I am woman who has earned 100% most of the years since having kids. You better believe working all those hours gets me out of many household chores. My DH and children agree.

You earning 100% means your husband is a stay at home parent. Obviously he does the chores in that case, because that’s his job. This post is talking about two people who BOTH work outside the home for income. So your situation is completely irrelevant.

That bolded assertion is ridiculous. Tons of spouses who earn 100% routinely shop for groceries, cook breakfast/dinner, clean up after meals, read to children, put them to bed, mow the lawn, put up the storm windows, clean the gutters, change the oil, wash the car, rake the leaves, drive to sports, give kids baths, you name it.

That doesn’t mean that it’s bad for the 100% earner to relax after work while the spouse scurries around. The SAH spouse has plenty of down time while the WOH spouse is commuting/working, particularly with kids in school all day.

So dollar earnings should have zero to do with chore splits — it should be all about trying to provide adequate free time to each spouse and dividing tasks equally during waking hours not earning pay other than the adequate free time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the expectations should be based on work hours, not income. Across the board, pay is not generally reflective of how long or hard you work, some industries just pay a lot more than others.

That said, as someone who earns about 70% more than my husband and feels the after work/dinner scramble, lower the weeknight cooking expectations so one of you can get it on the table fast. We do a lot of leftovers of meals cooked on the weekend, pasta once a week, frozen food once a week, breakfast for dinner, and so on.

+1. It should obviously be based on total work hours, unless 1 person chooses a very intense but low-paying job, which they shouldn’t do with kids. But both OP and her DH work similar hours. Even if a family has a SAHP, both parents need to contribute on evenings and weekends.

This is not living in reality. Should a surgeon who earns 900K with a pre-school teacher husband who earns 70K expect to do a 50/50 split of chores?

If the surgeon works more hours than the preschool teacher, no. If they work the same number of hours, yes. If the surgeon has a problem with it, he/she can invite the teacher to make homelife his/her job and support their spouse, or they can use their high earnings to outsource. They don’t get to demand a spouse maintain a full time job earning money outside the home PLUS do all the work of a housewife/SAHP. Pick one or the other.

I don’t know if this pp is dumb or naive. Real life doesn’t work that way.

I don’t know, it’s the way my life is - I make around $300k and my husband makes 10x that. I could quit but we essentially view my job is an insurance policy until we’ve hit our retirement savings goal, which is high. Since we’re both working similar hours, we both put in the same hours at home/with the kids. If/when I do quit, I will pick up much more but in the meantime, it’s about both of us working full time, not money earned.

Your husband makes $3M a year and yet you are working as much as he does for $300k as an “insurance policy”? Do you have anxiety or something?

It's got to be fiction. No one with the chops to earn $3,000,000/ year is going to be so inefficient with their use of time that they would spend any significant amount of it on "household chores."

Anonymous wrote:Basing family/household tasks on income in crazy.
My spouse makes double what I make and while I do more house stuff/kid stuff it’s because I have more free time. I am also more OCD about stuff so honestly it’s actually better for both of us if I do it.
OP your dinner situation sounds like you need to plan more ahead or just set lower expectations for yourself for now. There are lots of healthy nutritious options out there that might not be a traditional dinner but still work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You split it so everyone is working roughly the same, irrespective of earnings. I say that as the person who’s earned between 90 and 100 percent of the household income for many years. When I’m earning 100 percent of the income, as I am now, I don’t think I should get a pass in any household chores.

I am woman who has earned 100% most of the years since having kids. You better believe working all those hours gets me out of many household chores. My DH and children agree.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the expectations should be based on work hours, not income. Across the board, pay is not generally reflective of how long or hard you work, some industries just pay a lot more than others.

That said, as someone who earns about 70% more than my husband and feels the after work/dinner scramble, lower the weeknight cooking expectations so one of you can get it on the table fast. We do a lot of leftovers of meals cooked on the weekend, pasta once a week, frozen food once a week, breakfast for dinner, and so on.

+1. It should obviously be based on total work hours, unless 1 person chooses a very intense but low-paying job, which they shouldn’t do with kids. But both OP and her DH work similar hours. Even if a family has a SAHP, both parents need to contribute on evenings and weekends.

This is not living in reality. Should a surgeon who earns 900K with a pre-school teacher husband who earns 70K expect to do a 50/50 split of chores?

If the surgeon works more hours than the preschool teacher, no. If they work the same number of hours, yes. If the surgeon has a problem with it, he/she can invite the teacher to make homelife his/her job and support their spouse, or they can use their high earnings to outsource. They don’t get to demand a spouse maintain a full time job earning money outside the home PLUS do all the work of a housewife/SAHP. Pick one or the other.

I don’t know if this pp is dumb or naive. Real life doesn’t work that way.

I don’t know, it’s the way my life is - I make around $300k and my husband makes 10x that. I could quit but we essentially view my job is an insurance policy until we’ve hit our retirement savings goal, which is high. Since we’re both working similar hours, we both put in the same hours at home/with the kids. If/when I do quit, I will pick up much more but in the meantime, it’s about both of us working full time, not money earned.

Your husband makes $3M a year and yet you are working as much as he does for $300k as an “insurance policy”? Do you have anxiety or something?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the expectations should be based on work hours, not income. Across the board, pay is not generally reflective of how long or hard you work, some industries just pay a lot more than others.

That said, as someone who earns about 70% more than my husband and feels the after work/dinner scramble, lower the weeknight cooking expectations so one of you can get it on the table fast. We do a lot of leftovers of meals cooked on the weekend, pasta once a week, frozen food once a week, breakfast for dinner, and so on.

+1. It should obviously be based on total work hours, unless 1 person chooses a very intense but low-paying job, which they shouldn’t do with kids. But both OP and her DH work similar hours. Even if a family has a SAHP, both parents need to contribute on evenings and weekends.

This is not living in reality. Should a surgeon who earns 900K with a pre-school teacher husband who earns 70K expect to do a 50/50 split of chores?

If the surgeon works more hours than the preschool teacher, no. If they work the same number of hours, yes. If the surgeon has a problem with it, he/she can invite the teacher to make homelife his/her job and support their spouse, or they can use their high earnings to outsource. They don’t get to demand a spouse maintain a full time job earning money outside the home PLUS do all the work of a housewife/SAHP. Pick one or the other.

I don’t know if this pp is dumb or naive. Real life doesn’t work that way.

I don’t know, it’s the way my life is - I make around $300k and my husband makes 10x that. I could quit but we essentially view my job is an insurance policy until we’ve hit our retirement savings goal, which is high. Since we’re both working similar hours, we both put in the same hours at home/with the kids. If/when I do quit, I will pick up much more but in the meantime, it’s about both of us working full time, not money earned.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You split it so everyone is working roughly the same, irrespective of earnings. I say that as the person who’s earned between 90 and 100 percent of the household income for many years. When I’m earning 100 percent of the income, as I am now, I don’t think I should get a pass in any household chores.

Generally, your viewpoint makes no sense. It's as if you read some dusty feminist political tract or women's studies text book that said all chores should be split equally 50/50 and due to an utter lack of understanding of basic economics, never questioned whether the mantra you regurgitate makes any sense.

If my spouse earns 100% of the income for the family and I earn none, then the spouses time is usually going to be far more valuably spent on economic activities. To the extent off time is used to relax and rejuvenate and continue to work the next day, then when we are talking about high earners certainly,I want the spouse to be well rested.

Frankly it is insane for high income spouses to be arguing over this stuff for silly political or feminist influenced reasons.

If you are good at making lots of money why on earth do you think your time is better spent doing menial household chores?

If you insist on spending hours per day doing extra work, stay in the damn office or WFH at your high paying job, thank you. If I am your zero earning spouse I will be more than happy to clean dishes and fold laundry since that is the best use of MY time. But if it is not I will try to spend my time doing something that is the best use of my time.

I am a man and a high earner, so I don’t really follow your point. I don’t make an hourly wage, and working more hours doesn’t necessarily make me more money. That’s how most high earner jobs go. You get paid for something other than hours worked. Nor do I really need more money.

But I don’t think my wife should do 100% of the house work. She certainly does most of it. But if I’m home and not working, I’m not going to sit with my feet up while she does all the house work.

It isn’t about using my time in the highest earning way possible. If that were the case, my wife would work too. It’s about having a nice home life, and that means no one relaxes until everyone does. And it teaches the kids to be contributors, too.

If you are truly a high earner why is your wife doing any housework? Just hire a full time housekeeper and your wife gets to do other stuff. Maybe work that earns money or maybe something else entirely.

"No one relaxes until everyone does"? Are you kidding me?

I have no idea what you do or how much money you make but you sound crazy. You can't be very good at what ever it is you do

No one relaxes until everyone does kind of makes sense for an evening routine. But since she finishes work before him, dinner is always on her.

Anonymous wrote:I actually think both parents should pitch in equally with the evening chores (dinner and bedtime) even if one of them is a SAHP, unless they are literally working during that time because of long hours, or unless the SAHP explicitly has more downtime during the day (for instance if their kids are older).

The idea that a working parent should be able to put their feet up and relax while the SAHP runs around preparing the meal and taking care of the kids reminds me of my upbringing, where my SAHM mom worked hard all day raising 4 kids while my dad went to work, and then when he came home at 5 he'd sit down in a chair and ask us kids to take off his shoes and bring him a beer, and he'd watch TV while the rest of us got dinner ready, and then after dinner he'd go back to watch TV. The attitude was deeply entitled and unengaged and communicated to all of us that he believed he was too important to be bothered. It was incredibly rude. Also, even though my mom didn't earn money, she did labor all day long. There is no reason he was more deserving of a break than she was.

In a situation like OP's, I think the same logic applies. If she is doing all or most of the work with kids in the morning and evening, when they both work about the same hours, her DH is being selfish and rude. Especially if he's WFH full time. He doesn't even have to change his hours, IMO, but he can't just sit around while OP is cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids. I can say from experience that this is messed up and that your kids notice and internalize "oh that parent is entitled to rest and relaxation, but that other parent has to do all the work." The idea that one parent "earned" a break by having higher compensated work doesn't make sense in a family context.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the expectations should be based on work hours, not income. Across the board, pay is not generally reflective of how long or hard you work, some industries just pay a lot more than others.

That said, as someone who earns about 70% more than my husband and feels the after work/dinner scramble, lower the weeknight cooking expectations so one of you can get it on the table fast. We do a lot of leftovers of meals cooked on the weekend, pasta once a week, frozen food once a week, breakfast for dinner, and so on.

+1. It should obviously be based on total work hours, unless 1 person chooses a very intense but low-paying job, which they shouldn’t do with kids. But both OP and her DH work similar hours. Even if a family has a SAHP, both parents need to contribute on evenings and weekends.

This is not living in reality. Should a surgeon who earns 900K with a pre-school teacher husband who earns 70K expect to do a 50/50 split of chores?

If the surgeon works more hours than the preschool teacher, no. If they work the same number of hours, yes. If the surgeon has a problem with it, he/she can invite the teacher to make homelife his/her job and support their spouse, or they can use their high earnings to outsource. They don’t get to demand a spouse maintain a full time job earning money outside the home PLUS do all the work of a housewife/SAHP. Pick one or the other.

I don’t know if this pp is dumb or naive. Real life doesn’t work that way.

I don’t know, it’s the way my life is - I make around $300k and my husband makes 10x that. I could quit but we essentially view my job is an insurance policy until we’ve hit our retirement savings goal, which is high. Since we’re both working similar hours, we both put in the same hours at home/with the kids. If/when I do quit, I will pick up much more but in the meantime, it’s about both of us working full time, not money earned.

Your husband makes $3M a year and yet you are working as much as he does for $300k as an “insurance policy”? Do you have anxiety or something?