Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were very much in the wrong.

Your husband blocking texts is immature, uncalled for and destructive. My significant other does this. It isn’t okay.

You can only control you. If you want this relationship to continue, do not tell your kids that they are bad for interacting with him. It is horribly destructive to them, to their relationship with their father and of course to your relationship with him. Grow up and catch up alone. Your comments to the kids were just asking for a divorce.

I think DH was more in the wrong. What OP said with her kids would be no big deal in a healthy relationship. However, OP should be aware that she is not in a healthy relationship and anything she says might be used against her or assumed as an attack. Given this, she does have to be very careful about anything she says to DH or the kids.

I would not want to have to go through my marriage walking on eggshells like this but hopefully you can eventually work to move past this very tense time in your marriage.

OP here

Thank you. Yes, I should be more careful.

I have tiptoed around his moods for years now and I think I am just reaching a point where I can’t take it anymore, after several recent incidents that were more like a 8/9 on the scale of tantrums (let’s call this a 1/2).

So I need to figure out how to work this out without losing myself. Other people suggest detach and just grey rock. I’ve tried that. I’ve tried also placating him and giving him everything he wants. Both result in escalation of this behavior. The only thing that has helped so far is getting a male therapist from the same background as him, and actually being quite direct with him about what behavior I won’t tolerate anymore (eg threats, harassment, shouting/screaming, all of the above in front of the kids). That has cut down a lot of the issues. So while I don’t want to be confrontational, I feel like firm boundaries in this situation are a must.

Several therapists who I showed our correspondence to suggested BPD as a possible diagnosis. Whether there is a mental health component or not is irrelevant to the boundary issue.

BPD for you or your Dh? Why are you diagnosis shopping? For another person?

No therapist should be even discussing diagnosis of husband when they have never met him? It’s you they should be looking at if you’re seeking help, perhaps for codependency. I’d run from anyone doing anything but addressing you.

The fact you’re out there doing this makes their rest of your story less credible, IMHO. Like yes, he’s doing this stuff, but for reasons not outlined or divulged
in your posts.

He lost it during COVID and became more and more volatile. After several incoherent rants and explosions including threats to call police (witnessed by my family) I became pretty concerned about him. He quit his therapy that he had been attending for over ten years. I talked with friends who are therapists to see what we were dealing with. It was actually helpful to get that possibility on the table because I was so disoriented by the behavior. Once I realized what to expect it became more manageable in my head.

However I don’t believe it is BPD, I think there is unresolved PTSD (and one friend said BPD is actually a controversial diagnosis and it may just be trauma — I don’t know, I’m not a doctor). All I know is the most volatile behavior has resolved with starting with this male couples therapist. The others who are women he ranted and yelled over.

Anonymous wrote:PP above. Just to clarify, I think his blocking you was an overreaction, I think his text was fine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG I can't get past page two of this thread. Who the heck are you people. The kind of conversation OP had with the kids was the kind of thing that happens with normal healthy people all the time! Saying aw I was hoping to watch that with you is not damaging to kids, guilt tripping or whatever nonsense you PPs are going on about? WTF?

OP, your husband is totally wrong.

I had the same reaction but I think we have to remember that they are not in a healthy happy marriage where positive intent is assumed and everyone can relax around each other. If someone is looking for a way to be offended they will find one.

In any case I would be deeply unhappy in this marriage and I guess would just minimize contact as much as possible until I could get out, living this way sounds hellish

Anonymous wrote:OMG I can't get past page two of this thread. Who the heck are you people. The kind of conversation OP had with the kids was the kind of thing that happens with normal healthy people all the time! Saying aw I was hoping to watch that with you is not damaging to kids, guilt tripping or whatever nonsense you PPs are going on about? WTF?

OP, your husband is totally wrong.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were very much in the wrong.

Your husband blocking texts is immature, uncalled for and destructive. My significant other does this. It isn’t okay.

You can only control you. If you want this relationship to continue, do not tell your kids that they are bad for interacting with him. It is horribly destructive to them, to their relationship with their father and of course to your relationship with him. Grow up and catch up alone. Your comments to the kids were just asking for a divorce.

I think DH was more in the wrong. What OP said with her kids would be no big deal in a healthy relationship. However, OP should be aware that she is not in a healthy relationship and anything she says might be used against her or assumed as an attack. Given this, she does have to be very careful about anything she says to DH or the kids.

I would not want to have to go through my marriage walking on eggshells like this but hopefully you can eventually work to move past this very tense time in your marriage.

OP here

Thank you. Yes, I should be more careful.

I have tiptoed around his moods for years now and I think I am just reaching a point where I can’t take it anymore, after several recent incidents that were more like a 8/9 on the scale of tantrums (let’s call this a 1/2).

So I need to figure out how to work this out without losing myself. Other people suggest detach and just grey rock. I’ve tried that. I’ve tried also placating him and giving him everything he wants. Both result in escalation of this behavior. The only thing that has helped so far is getting a male therapist from the same background as him, and actually being quite direct with him about what behavior I won’t tolerate anymore (eg threats, harassment, shouting/screaming, all of the above in front of the kids). That has cut down a lot of the issues. So while I don’t want to be confrontational, I feel like firm boundaries in this situation are a must.

Several therapists who I showed our correspondence to suggested BPD as a possible diagnosis. Whether there is a mental health component or not is irrelevant to the boundary issue.

BPD for you or your Dh? Why are you diagnosis shopping? For another person?

No therapist should be even discussing diagnosis of husband when they have never met him? It’s you they should be looking at if you’re seeking help, perhaps for codependency. I’d run from anyone doing anything but addressing you.

The fact you’re out there doing this makes their rest of your story less credible, IMHO. Like yes, he’s doing this stuff, but for reasons not outlined or divulged
in your posts.

Anonymous wrote:OMG I can't get past page two of this thread. Who the heck are you people. The kind of conversation OP had with the kids was the kind of thing that happens with normal healthy people all the time! Saying aw I was hoping to watch that with you is not damaging to kids, guilt tripping or whatever nonsense you PPs are going on about? WTF?

OP, your husband is totally wrong.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG I can't get past page two of this thread. Who the heck are you people. The kind of conversation OP had with the kids was the kind of thing that happens with normal healthy people all the time! Saying aw I was hoping to watch that with you is not damaging to kids, guilt tripping or whatever nonsense you PPs are going on about? WTF?

OP, your husband is totally wrong.

No it’s not normal. Oh dang catch me up is normal.

But that’s our show pick a different one to watch with dad is f’d up.

Anonymous wrote:OMG I can't get past page two of this thread. Who the heck are you people. The kind of conversation OP had with the kids was the kind of thing that happens with normal healthy people all the time! Saying aw I was hoping to watch that with you is not damaging to kids, guilt tripping or whatever nonsense you PPs are going on about? WTF?

OP, your husband is totally wrong.