Anonymous
Post 10/12/2023 14:09     Subject: Re:DD’s friend with bad underarm odor
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don’t do all the passive aggressive buying of nail polish and hair bows to hide the deodorant. It is cringe-y.

Your choices are to kindly tell her she needs deodorant or to realize this isn’t a big deal.


I agree.


I posted earlier. I don't see anything wrong with these suggestions that you are calling passive aggressive. I believe the term is tact. A lot of people lack it but it does a long way in having difficult conversations and preserving relationships. Op has the ability to teach this skill to her daughter. Some situations call for tact. Communicating kindly to an unrelated teen needs tact.


If you just speak at all: Honest and direct is the kindest approach - or better yet, don’t do anything at all because this is not your business.

What is not kind is manufacturing some weird “gift” if deodorant. That will be mortifying to the girl. She is not an idiot, she will know what you are doing and it will be shameful to her to have to pretend excitement at getting this kind of “gift.”

That’s the opposite of tact.

Anonymous
Post 10/12/2023 13:45     Subject: DD’s friend with bad underarm odor
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can your daughter tell her?

She could give her friend the same type deodorant she uses as a gift to soften the delivery.


+1 this is the only safe way to do it. Or send the girls to the store and let your daughter buy her the same ones she's buying so it's not so obvious. OP What does your daughter say about this it has to bother her too no?

I agree, a peer is the best messenger. There are very few adults who have the skills to address this. Maybe if you had a history of telling it like it is or are just very charming, but hearing it out the blue from a friend’s parent could be very embarrassing if direct or missed if subtle.
Anonymous
Post 10/12/2023 12:52     Subject: Re:DD’s friend with bad underarm odor
I may have missed it, but OP has your own DD noticed?! My DD most definitely would. If so, she can be the one to tell her….maybe if the girl comes over to the house (maybe after physical activity like a bike ride etc) DD could laughingly sniff and say something like “eww we reek now” and grab some deodorant to put on, and toss an extra unopened one to her friend (prompting friend to do the same)- “eh just keep it, we have extras”

A girl this age simply may not have any deodorant if the parents did not purchase it. It is definitely possible. And frankly seems likely if her parents/family have not said/done anything about this.
Anonymous
Post 10/12/2023 11:47     Subject: DD’s friend with bad underarm odor
Anonymous wrote:Can your daughter tell her?

She could give her friend the same type deodorant she uses as a gift to soften the delivery.


+1 this is the only safe way to do it. Or send the girls to the store and let your daughter buy her the same ones she's buying so it's not so obvious. OP What does your daughter say about this it has to bother her too no?
Anonymous
Post 10/12/2023 11:05     Subject: DD’s friend with bad underarm odor
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Get a fun gift basket with deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, hair clips, brush, nail polish and remover, soap or body wash and a puff, etc for her birthday or the holidays.


I think this is a good idea — and would probably ask the girls if they wanted to do a spa day together — so baskets for both girls, not just the friend.


I love this idea! A spa day for both girls. It could even just be at your house. They could do their nails, facials, etc..
Anonymous
Post 10/12/2023 11:05     Subject: Re:DD’s friend with bad underarm odor
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Out of curiosity, I asked my DD (14) about this post in the car, and she said “don’t do anything, eventually a kid will say something about it to her….anything a mom does will just make it worse”

FWIW.

I’m surprised her parents have not noticed and said something? I had to be super firm with one of my sons about hygiene around preteen age.

Also- is it at all possible this is a “ food/cooking odors” issue- odors picked up on clothing? Sometimes smells JUST like BO IME. In college, we all had to change shirts after eating in the dining hall- the place just had a stench and seeped into our clothes! I realize that sounds crazy but was totally true. I don’t know the cause either.



Thank you. Your DD has high empathy and social understanding.

Non-related adults really have no business talking to this tween/teen about her hygiene. The recommended scripts are all terribly inappropriate because of that.

Kids do generally figure these things out eventually through their peer groups, if not at home.


It's bad to have the mom say something. This news has to come from a peer. But it's also not very empathetic for same age friends to just ignore the situation and do absolutely nothing until somebody really mean says something cruel that mortifies her. I would be sad if I had a bad BO situation that could be easily fixed, and my so-called friends didn't care enough to say something.
Anonymous
Post 10/12/2023 10:49     Subject: DD’s friend with bad underarm odor
Buy your daughter an extra deodorant and have her talk to her friend - only scenario she will probably be on with.

If 11-13 or so - it’ll probably improve. Girls are extra stinky before they get their periods. My daughter had a friend like this - you could smell her after she left. Now at 15 she’s fine.

A lot of times too they also wear hoodies over and over like a jacket but don’t wash them.
Anonymous
Post 10/12/2023 10:21     Subject: DD’s friend with bad underarm odor
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The next time you give her a ride, hand both girls gift bags with a really nice deodorant like Lume and rave about it. They sell Lume at Target now.


No. Please stop. It's like AI for deodorant sales is writing some of these posts. Have none of you ever been young? Guaranteed if a parent hands out deodorant in the car, no matter how cute/spa-like/trendy/expensive, all that will likely do is mortify the young teen, strain the girls' friendship, make the mom look like a Karen, and possibly make any school social issues that much worse.

All of these kids just came out of the pandemic, with a much greater percent of their lives socially disrupted than adults have ever experienced. Give them a chance to work some of these things out on their own, and especially for something this personal, within their own families and circles. A friend's mom is not the person to be getting involved in this.


Strongly disagree. The girl may not have pocket money or the means to visit a store to buy deodorant. Might not know which kind to buy (heck even I get confused with all the choices). Handing both girls (DD and friend) a little care package is the sweetest way to handle this.


She may not even know that she stinks.

I moved here at 19 from a country where d
deodorant use is not as common as it is here, and I had to find out from someone rude at work that I smelled bad.

I would have appreciated a friend at school telling me.
Anonymous
Post 10/12/2023 09:59     Subject: DD’s friend with bad underarm odor
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The next time you give her a ride, hand both girls gift bags with a really nice deodorant like Lume and rave about it. They sell Lume at Target now.


No. Please stop. It's like AI for deodorant sales is writing some of these posts. Have none of you ever been young? Guaranteed if a parent hands out deodorant in the car, no matter how cute/spa-like/trendy/expensive, all that will likely do is mortify the young teen, strain the girls' friendship, make the mom look like a Karen, and possibly make any school social issues that much worse.

All of these kids just came out of the pandemic, with a much greater percent of their lives socially disrupted than adults have ever experienced. Give them a chance to work some of these things out on their own, and especially for something this personal, within their own families and circles. A friend's mom is not the person to be getting involved in this.


Strongly disagree. The girl may not have pocket money or the means to visit a store to buy deodorant. Might not know which kind to buy (heck even I get confused with all the choices). Handing both girls (DD and friend) a little care package is the sweetest way to handle this.
Anonymous
Post 10/12/2023 09:57     Subject: DD’s friend with bad underarm odor
Next time you buy deodorant for your daughter, buy one for her too. Have your daughter give it to her saying "my mother got an extra one. You can have it."
Anonymous
Post 10/12/2023 09:53     Subject: DD’s friend with bad underarm odor
Anonymous wrote:The next time you give her a ride, hand both girls gift bags with a really nice deodorant like Lume and rave about it. They sell Lume at Target now.


No. Please stop. It's like AI for deodorant sales is writing some of these posts. Have none of you ever been young? Guaranteed if a parent hands out deodorant in the car, no matter how cute/spa-like/trendy/expensive, all that will likely do is mortify the young teen, strain the girls' friendship, make the mom look like a Karen, and possibly make any school social issues that much worse.

All of these kids just came out of the pandemic, with a much greater percent of their lives socially disrupted than adults have ever experienced. Give them a chance to work some of these things out on their own, and especially for something this personal, within their own families and circles. A friend's mom is not the person to be getting involved in this.
Anonymous
Post 10/12/2023 09:14     Subject: DD’s friend with bad underarm odor
The next time you give her a ride, hand both girls gift bags with a really nice deodorant like Lume and rave about it. They sell Lume at Target now.
Anonymous
Post 10/12/2023 09:13     Subject: DD’s friend with bad underarm odor
Anonymous wrote:Can your daughter tell her?

She could give her friend the same type deodorant she uses as a gift to soften the delivery.


I’m really curious why your daughter can’t say something to her.
Anonymous
Post 10/12/2023 09:13     Subject: DD’s friend with bad underarm odor
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Leave it alone. A lot of kids stink. There isn’t a non offensive way to bring this up


This is OP. Something has to be done. Our car actually smells when she leaves. Even my DH complained today and he doesn’t smell anything. I really want to protect her from getting embarrassed or her feelings hurt by someone else who may not be nice about how they tell her.


LOL. Ok, sure.
Anonymous
Post 10/12/2023 08:22     Subject: DD’s friend with bad underarm odor
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Leave it alone. A lot of kids stink. There isn’t a non offensive way to bring this up


This is OP. Something has to be done. Our car actually smells when she leaves. Even my DH complained today and he doesn’t smell anything. I really want to protect her from getting embarrassed or her feelings hurt by someone else who may not be nice about how they tell her.


This sounds very fake.


NP and I had the same situation with DD’s former BFF. Absolutely overwhelming BO smell to the point where our play dates involved outside play only or a trip to the swimming pool.

Mom of BFF was solidly anti-deodorant (convinced cancer causing) and had some strange ideas also. We stopped sleepovers and carpools. Had to air out any room the girls played in. Teacher addressed to no avail.