Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP stop being stingy manipulative and exclusionary. You know you’re supposed to invite her. And you also know you can foot the extra airfare. You’re just looking for someone here to validate your POV, and no one here does. My DD is dating someone whose mom is like you, gives her no respect, treats the serious relationship like it’s a throwaway. My DD has already said that if they get married, and have kids, she will not prioritize holidays with the in laws bc of how they treat her. You’re making your bed.

Oh my goodness people! OP here. I guess I should know that this would happen on DCUM. I was actually really asking for thoughts, because I wanted to see what others thought. This is all new territory for us, first adult child (we have several younger kids). I do appreciate the responses, they are helpful and will help us make up our minds -- even if a lot of them assume scenarios that aren't true!

(I quoted my favorite one, because jeez! Talk about projecting)

What have you actually learned so far, OP?

Bet you won’t answer.

Well, looks like I was right. OP won’t answer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't think you're wrong to want the nuclear family to have time together. It's ok to feel how you feel. And I think it's fine to want to see your son alone from time to time, or to want to squeeze in one last family-only trip before the next phase of his adult life begins. But it's crystal clear you would resent including the woman your son has chosen, and that's weird. If the cost of one more ticket is unbearable for you, then you can't really afford this trip. And you need to get used to him having a partner. Some day he will marry, and then he'll be spending half the holidays with his wife's family. And it might not be too long from now. So yes, I suggest you wrap your head around the idea that your phase of life is changing, your son is becoming a married man with his own marriage and household to prioritize, and you're going to get a lot less of his time and attention. When they start having kids it might be even less than that. Get used to it.

I think it's unlikely they're going to want to do this at all, regardless of who pays. Heck, he probably wouldn't want to do it even if he were single. Vacationing with younger siblings just isn't that fun, especially when you don't have much annual leave so every day is precious. And vacationing with someone else's younger siblings and his mother who doesn't really want you to come, is awkward and extremely unpleasant.

HE IS 25 YEARS OLD! He is IN the adult phase of his life. You and OP seem to be quite confused about this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in my twenties I went on a few vacations with boyfriends' families. They paid for lodging but I paid for my airfare. I was fine with that. These were to really nice places though. If my boyfriend had wanted me to fly home to see his parents in like Minnesota I am not sure I would have wanted to spend my limited twenty something budget on that airfare.

This is what I was proposing! (Just asked if it was selfish to want the alone time!)

And son definitely really wants to go on trip- is likely assuming GF will go and they will not pay anything. I doubt either of them would offer to help pay. So we are deciding what the best course of action is. Trip is expensive and not to Minnesota.

We’d be fine if they didn’t want to go and we could just do something separately with them. That would probably be easier honestly. But that’s not our issue.

We will probably just end up inviting and paying! It’s just a new relationship still and seems like a lot.

And who said I had 10 kids?!

Well, it's only a lot because you chose such an expensive trip. Minneapolis is lovely in the springtime, you know.

+1. It’s a lot because you were “ASSuming” he would go without the dreaded HER, at your say-so, without you even consulting him, even though he’s a fully grown adult.

If you want to vacation with ADULTS, you need to treat them as ADULTS, which means consulting them on locations, dates, accommodations, flights, costs, who is attending, and who-pays-for-what ***BEFORE*** you book.

Do better, OP. He didn’t just suddenly turn into an adult. He’s 25. This shouldn’t be “new.”

Anonymous wrote:My mom planned a family vacation early in my career and when I told her it wasn’t a good time for me to be gone she said you’re new how much could they need you. Ended up having to rely on a colleague to close out a project i had been working on for a year. That was ages ago and I still remember being annoyed at my mom’s assumption that my schedule was at her disposal.


Point is your son is an adult with his own life so agree OP should be hoping he is willing to use his leave to take this trip and should at least include the GF as a member of the family

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP stop being stingy manipulative and exclusionary. You know you’re supposed to invite her. And you also know you can foot the extra airfare. You’re just looking for someone here to validate your POV, and no one here does. My DD is dating someone whose mom is like you, gives her no respect, treats the serious relationship like it’s a throwaway. My DD has already said that if they get married, and have kids, she will not prioritize holidays with the in laws bc of how they treat her. You’re making your bed.

Oh my goodness people! OP here. I guess I should know that this would happen on DCUM. I was actually really asking for thoughts, because I wanted to see what others thought. This is all new territory for us, first adult child (we have several younger kids). I do appreciate the responses, they are helpful and will help us make up our minds -- even if a lot of them assume scenarios that aren't true!

(I quoted my favorite one, because jeez! Talk about projecting)

What have you actually learned so far, OP?

Bet you won’t answer.

Anonymous wrote:They’ve been together 9 months and the trip is next year. Just make sure whatever you do is refundable, just in case.

Anonymous wrote:I am 49 years old and I plan times to be with my parents alone because I know they love it and it’s quality time. Like lunches and dinners here and there. My husband does the same with his parents!

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't think you're wrong to want the nuclear family to have time together. It's ok to feel how you feel. And I think it's fine to want to see your son alone from time to time, or to want to squeeze in one last family-only trip before the next phase of his adult life begins. But it's crystal clear you would resent including the woman your son has chosen, and that's weird. If the cost of one more ticket is unbearable for you, then you can't really afford this trip. And you need to get used to him having a partner. Some day he will marry, and then he'll be spending half the holidays with his wife's family. And it might not be too long from now. So yes, I suggest you wrap your head around the idea that your phase of life is changing, your son is becoming a married man with his own marriage and household to prioritize, and you're going to get a lot less of his time and attention. When they start having kids it might be even less than that. Get used to it.

I think it's unlikely they're going to want to do this at all, regardless of who pays. Heck, he probably wouldn't want to do it even if he were single. Vacationing with younger siblings just isn't that fun, especially when you don't have much annual leave so every day is precious. And vacationing with someone else's younger siblings and his mother who doesn't really want you to come, is awkward and extremely unpleasant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you need to see him “alone”?

Funny how you say “we” never see him alone. So you and DH are a package deal, and that’s fine, but son needs to visit “alone”?

How very interesting.

I don't think it's that weird for mom and dad to want to see their son together.

So mom and dad get to be a “we” but son should stay a little boy forever. Got it.

NP. And that is not what she's saying. He goes through a lot of girlfriends. And while this one isn't definite yet, why can't they see him without the girlfriend?

That said, if they are engaged and certainly when married, there is no more "we" time with their son unless the son requests it.

I also vote for telling him about the vacation. If he asks if she can come you buy the ticket. Don't ask them to buy it because they/she might not be able to afford it then son will just say no.