Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is DS? What is it that you want your parents and siblings to understand?

Are there special needs at play?

15 yo DS. No special needs, just an introverted boy with a small circle of friends who share his interests. My parents want him to be "like them". "Why doesn't Larlo ever do this (play a sport, watch a game,play with his cousins, talk to his cousins)". Just a long list of "why is he like this?" I tried explaining what being an introvert is like and they don't seem to get it. I want them to understand that it is OK to not always wanting to be around people. They see him as being rude, "he treats us with disdain".

Anonymous wrote:Okay - there's a lot to unpack here.

Let's start with - you're the parent. If you agreed with your child that what was best for your family was to stay home for the holidays this year, then that's what you should do. Why are you considering caving because you parents are throwing a tantrum and name calling? If you just didn't want to upset your child, and now you don't know what to do because you also don't want to upset you parents, then you really need to grow a backbone. You're the parent, you decide what makes the most sense, and if those around you are going to tantrum, then so be it. It seems to me, that since you told your son you were staying home, and you were fine with that, you shouldn't change your mind because your parents are being dillweeds.

But further on than that, let's talk more about these visits. Are they nearby enough that they're a day visit? Or do you have to travel? I think it's worth finding a way (long term, not necessarily this year) to teach your introverted child how to spend time with relatives, and stand up for your child with your relatives to make the trip more pleasant. What that looks like depends on the details - but if it's a day trip, you make it short. If it's an overnight, you build in times during the trip when your son gets time to himself. Frequent, lengthy times. Remember - in just about 10 short years, YOU will be the relatives that your son won't always want to visit for holidays. Finding ways to have family relationships even when you're an introvert is a valuable skill for your son (and I say this as an introvert myself). Does he have his own space on these trips? I think, particularly since you're (pending the previous paragraph) standing up to your family and staying home this year as he wants, you have some latitude to talk to him and troubleshoot together how to make these visits manageable for him in the future.

Also (it's hard to tell from your description) make sure that he isn't being rude or treating them poorly. A good rule of thumb is less time, but behave well during it. I'd much rather my kid sit and chat nicely with grandma for an hour at dinner, then run and hide in the room he's staying in for the rest of the night reading and playing video games, than grump through four hours of forced family togetherness. Now, at 14, his social skills aren't going to be fabulous and that's okay, but he's old enough to survive a couple of annoying "so how's school?" conversations and help with the dishes.

And lastly - what's with the way your relatives treat him? They're repeatedly asking "why is he like this?" in a negative tone?? And you're... trying to explain introversion to them? No! Try, "Excuse me? Larlo is perfect exactly as he is!" You need to stand up for your kid here, and start reinforcing the message that treating a relative with distain is hurtful and unacceptable. And if they CAN'T treat him well - then yeah, stop seeing them and tell them exactly why!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the cousins including him on group chats counts as trying to get to know him better. Do you get to know people over group chats? I hate the group chats I’m in for my kids’ classes even though I like the moms!

Yeah and then crazy aunt Karen berating him for being weird in not joining the TikTok or whatever is awful. Yuck!

He’s not going to engage with these people once he’s 18 so instead of wasting the next 4-5 years in aunt Karen purgatory why not have nice peaceful holidays as a small nuclear family. Go visit your parents when it’s calmer without 22 cousins and a bunch of judgmental eyeballs criticizing your kid for not engaging the way they demand.

I think we’ve found the posters who use any reason not to spend time with family. Let me guess: you drop people from your life the minute you realize they aren’t exactly how you expect them to be.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the cousins including him on group chats counts as trying to get to know him better. Do you get to know people over group chats? I hate the group chats I’m in for my kids’ classes even though I like the moms!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the cousins including him on group chats counts as trying to get to know him better. Do you get to know people over group chats? I hate the group chats I’m in for my kids’ classes even though I like the moms!

Yeah and then crazy aunt Karen berating him for being weird in not joining the TikTok or whatever is awful. Yuck!

He’s not going to engage with these people once he’s 18 so instead of wasting the next 4-5 years in aunt Karen purgatory why not have nice peaceful holidays as a small nuclear family. Go visit your parents when it’s calmer without 22 cousins and a bunch of judgmental eyeballs criticizing your kid for not engaging the way they demand.

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Kid needs to suck it up for one or two days a year. Good life lesson for him as he will have many things in his future he doesn't want to do and can't get out of them by complaining to his parents.

Anonymous wrote:In my family this would not be allowed. You need to socialize with people you don't have much in common with sometimes. This isn't a weekly Sunday night dinner with a loud, Italian family. This is once a year. He can suck it up. And I say this as an introvert who used to cry before having to go to relatives' homes. But I learned to get along with them, and play the things they were into and sometimes would wander over to my mom and sit quietly next to her to recharge before getting back to my cousins.

Anonymous wrote:It could be that your DS, along with other kids at public school, got brainwashed against the relatives.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the cousins including him on group chats counts as trying to get to know him better. Do you get to know people over group chats? I hate the group chats I’m in for my kids’ classes even though I like the moms!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, there is so much wrong with your post

It is not a responsibility of your Mom/Dad/Family to to understand anything. Your family threw a fit? No one gets to use emotional manipulation to get their way. The degree of their outrage means nothing. You have GOT to be willing to weather Mommy & Daddy being mad at you. Or anyone. But other things ~ DS does not get to "announce" anything. He's a teenager. He doesn't get to decide. He goes where he is told to go. However, why not make the visit short? Not all day. 2 1/2 - 3 hrs. That's it. Anyone can get along for a few hours. It's on you to make the logistics work. Stay at a hotel obviously, if you need to. Combine the trip with something else fun. Stop stating your family and your son are polar opposites. That helps no one. Unimportant.

THIS.

OP also stated there are 22 grandkids running around. I have a hard time believing there is not ONE grandchild in that cohort to hang out with. It sounds like some grandkids did try to get to know him better through group chats, and he refuses to participate. If you set yourself apart over and over again, after awhile everyone will assume you have nothing in common. OP constantly saying the kid and family members are opposites makes me wonder how well OP knows these nieces and nephews…or are there assumptions being made on OP’s part about the interests of these 22 (22!) people? Something here doesn’t fully add up. The family may not be a cake walk, but OP’s own family unit spends a lot of breathe “othering” themselves from the larger family.

Hello Crazy aunt Karen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, there is so much wrong with your post

It is not a responsibility of your Mom/Dad/Family to to understand anything. Your family threw a fit? No one gets to use emotional manipulation to get their way. The degree of their outrage means nothing. You have GOT to be willing to weather Mommy & Daddy being mad at you. Or anyone. But other things ~ DS does not get to "announce" anything. He's a teenager. He doesn't get to decide. He goes where he is told to go. However, why not make the visit short? Not all day. 2 1/2 - 3 hrs. That's it. Anyone can get along for a few hours. It's on you to make the logistics work. Stay at a hotel obviously, if you need to. Combine the trip with something else fun. Stop stating your family and your son are polar opposites. That helps no one. Unimportant.

THIS.

OP also stated there are 22 grandkids running around. I have a hard time believing there is not ONE grandchild in that cohort to hang out with. It sounds like some grandkids did try to get to know him better through group chats, and he refuses to participate. If you set yourself apart over and over again, after awhile everyone will assume you have nothing in common. OP constantly saying the kid and family members are opposites makes me wonder how well OP knows these nieces and nephews…or are there assumptions being made on OP’s part about the interests of these 22 (22!) people? Something here doesn’t fully add up. The family may not be a cake walk, but OP’s own family unit spends a lot of breathe “othering” themselves from the larger family.