Anonymous
09/26/2023 17:04
Subject: DH's College GF Died
Anonymous wrote:In a car accident at 47. He hadn't spoken with her since she cheated on him, and thus ended their relationship, at 23. She was in Chicago we are in DC. He has kept up with all of his college friends and many of them are going to her funeral. He wants to attend.
Is that weird? She was married with kids.
This feels a.) a bit like he's using her funeral as a reunion, b.) a bit like he cares more than I want him too, and c.) really inappropriate to her husband and kids.
I said all this and was told "I didn't understand".
What's going on here?
OP - do you and DH typically have better communication about big stuff and emotions? Or is it uncharacteristic of your relationship for you to NOT understand and/or for him to be closed off / dismissive? You haven't provided any information about whether he has tried to explain to you where he is coming from / why he wants to go and what his reasons are.
Anonymous
09/26/2023 17:03
Subject: DH's College GF Died
In my case, I wouldn't go to my college ex's funeral. We didn't end on good terms and it was a long time ago.
However, I feel it is fine to have him go in this case. Sounds like he wants to reconnect with friends from college and is grieving a loss of that time. I don't think you should overthink it.
My DH was supportive when I attended a more recent ex's funeral (we had broken up less than two years before) as I wanted to pay respects to his family as it was a sudden death at a young age, and I knew that was the last time I would ever see the family.
However, I feel it is fine to have him go in this case. Sounds like he wants to reconnect with friends from college and is grieving a loss of that time. I don't think you should overthink it.
My DH was supportive when I attended a more recent ex's funeral (we had broken up less than two years before) as I wanted to pay respects to his family as it was a sudden death at a young age, and I knew that was the last time I would ever see the family.
Anonymous
09/26/2023 16:58
Subject: Re:DH's College GF Died
Anonymous wrote:I agree with OP. If it makes her feel weird, he should not go. It’s a gray area, and absent compelling reason to go, should side with the spouse.
The woman is dead! What does she think he'll do?
Everyone grieves in different ways. There's nothing wrong with paying respects for someone you once cared about.
Anonymous
09/26/2023 16:57
Subject: DH's College GF Died
b. He cares more than you want him to
WTF! She's 10 feet under! What does it matter?
WTF! She's 10 feet under! What does it matter?
Anonymous
09/26/2023 16:55
Subject: Re:DH's College GF Died
I agree with OP. If it makes her feel weird, he should not go. It’s a gray area, and absent compelling reason to go, should side with the spouse.
Anonymous
09/26/2023 16:38
Subject: DH's College GF Died
Anonymous wrote:I’m a mid-40s H almost married 20 years. I side with OP. I would not attend the funeral (or wedding) of a long term ex.
You really have no idea how the widower will react. Many—perhaps most—wouldn’t care, but a measurable percentage of widowers (including me, if I’m being honest) would not want a funeral to be the occasion where mom’s ex-boyfriend is potentially introduced to the kids. It would be very off putting and I wouldn’t chance that at the ceremony where a husband and children are saying goodbye to the family matriarch.
Seems almost selfish to me. Yes, OP’s DH is probably grieving something and wishes to support his friends, but why in the world would you risk causing a scene for a widower and his children after their world has been totally shattered.
+1. The people in this thread that are DH sound like tragedy/grief vultures (my mom is one, so I know). He's a random guy she used to have sex with; why would you want to see him at the funeral? I say this as someone who has lost a lot of peers early and unfortunately have experience with this.
Make a massive donation to the most meaningful charity to the deceased or their family. Now that would be about them.
Anonymous
09/26/2023 16:26
Subject: DH's College GF Died
I’m a mid-40s H almost married 20 years. I side with OP. I would not attend the funeral (or wedding) of a long term ex.
You really have no idea how the widower will react. Many—perhaps most—wouldn’t care, but a measurable percentage of widowers (including me, if I’m being honest) would not want a funeral to be the occasion where mom’s ex-boyfriend is potentially introduced to the kids. It would be very off putting and I wouldn’t chance that at the ceremony where a husband and children are saying goodbye to the family matriarch.
Seems almost selfish to me. Yes, OP’s DH is probably grieving something and wishes to support his friends, but why in the world would you risk causing a scene for a widower and his children after their world has been totally shattered.
You really have no idea how the widower will react. Many—perhaps most—wouldn’t care, but a measurable percentage of widowers (including me, if I’m being honest) would not want a funeral to be the occasion where mom’s ex-boyfriend is potentially introduced to the kids. It would be very off putting and I wouldn’t chance that at the ceremony where a husband and children are saying goodbye to the family matriarch.
Seems almost selfish to me. Yes, OP’s DH is probably grieving something and wishes to support his friends, but why in the world would you risk causing a scene for a widower and his children after their world has been totally shattered.
Anonymous
09/26/2023 15:07
Subject: DH's College GF Died
I'm Team OP.
The most important people in this scenario are the widower and the children.
I would assume that the widower does not know OP's DH and thus, he would be a stranger. That means explaining who he is which may be upsetting to widower and even moreso to the kids. For that reason alone, this should be a hard no - do not attend.
Also, perhaps the widower is the one the woman cheated with. He may know much more about the woman's actual feelings for DH. There could be reasons she had zero contact with DH for decades. And that would also be a hard no.
The most important people in this scenario are the widower and the children.
I would assume that the widower does not know OP's DH and thus, he would be a stranger. That means explaining who he is which may be upsetting to widower and even moreso to the kids. For that reason alone, this should be a hard no - do not attend.
Also, perhaps the widower is the one the woman cheated with. He may know much more about the woman's actual feelings for DH. There could be reasons she had zero contact with DH for decades. And that would also be a hard no.
Anonymous
09/26/2023 14:59
Subject: Re:DH's College GF Died
OP, you do not get to dictate how your husband responses to this situation. It was his relationship and he gets to grieve it how he sees fit out of respect for the person who died and for his feelings about this person/relationship.
Anonymous
09/26/2023 14:54
Subject: DH's College GF Died
I keep laughing to myself imagining all the scenarios that could happen here that would potentially validate OP’s nutty concerns.
Will he walk into the church and tell random people the deceased had a mouth like a Hoover? Will he loudly insist on “their song” being played? Will he meet and fall in love with the twin sister? These scenarios and more could potentially very much substantiate the concerns. Hilarious to think about.
Will he walk into the church and tell random people the deceased had a mouth like a Hoover? Will he loudly insist on “their song” being played? Will he meet and fall in love with the twin sister? These scenarios and more could potentially very much substantiate the concerns. Hilarious to think about.
Anonymous
09/26/2023 14:50
Subject: DH's College GF Died
Rule of thumb: always attend the funeral.
Anonymous
09/26/2023 14:48
Subject: Re:DH's College GF Died
Omg. How can this even be a real post?
Do you keep your husband on a leash? Jesus.
Do you keep your husband on a leash? Jesus.
Anonymous
09/26/2023 14:48
Subject: DH's College GF Died
I have a lot of regret for the funerals I haven’t attended and barely remember the ones I have. Closure is a real thing.
Anonymous
09/26/2023 14:47
Subject: DH's College GF Died
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m on OPs side. If it were my husband it would be a no for me. Husband is using funeral as an excuse to ditch her with the kids while he goes to party with his college buddies. No where did it say she was welcomed to come. This woman is dead they have been separated for 23 years there is honestly no need for him to go to this funeral. This woman nor his college buddies are active people in their current lives who they see or speak with regularly. He needs to stay home
I'm really glad my husband and I support each other by taking turns with weekends away so we get to spend time with our friends. I've gone on several girls' weekends, he's gone on ski trips and camping trips, and it's been great. We've also left our kids with family and gone on vacations together, too. I'm so glad my husband and I not only encourage each other to spend time with friends, but we see weekends alone with the kids as a fun chance to focus on the kids, not as a chore. I can't imagine thinking that spending a weekend solo parenting was some big chore and that I was "stuck" with them. I enjoy being with my kids! Probably because DH sometimes supports me in having weekends away!
Some of you sound so sad, honestly.
Yeah, shouldn't we root for our spouses? Like, I want him to be fulfilled in all areas of his life including socially, and he wants the same for me?
-wife whose husband is mountain biking with buddies in Moab right now
Anonymous
09/26/2023 14:42
Subject: DH's College GF Died
Anonymous wrote:I’m on OPs side. If it were my husband it would be a no for me. Husband is using funeral as an excuse to ditch her with the kids while he goes to party with his college buddies. No where did it say she was welcomed to come. This woman is dead they have been separated for 23 years there is honestly no need for him to go to this funeral. This woman nor his college buddies are active people in their current lives who they see or speak with regularly. He needs to stay home
I'm really glad my husband and I support each other by taking turns with weekends away so we get to spend time with our friends. I've gone on several girls' weekends, he's gone on ski trips and camping trips, and it's been great. We've also left our kids with family and gone on vacations together, too. I'm so glad my husband and I not only encourage each other to spend time with friends, but we see weekends alone with the kids as a fun chance to focus on the kids, not as a chore. I can't imagine thinking that spending a weekend solo parenting was some big chore and that I was "stuck" with them. I enjoy being with my kids! Probably because DH sometimes supports me in having weekends away!
Some of you sound so sad, honestly.