Anonymous
Post 09/23/2023 11:27     Subject: Re:Post nup after wife starts earning more
OP, how was your childhood and family life when you were growing up?

Because your incredible earning has made you into a LOSER. Instead of rejoicing on your good fortune that your entire family can enjoy, you are bent on destroying your family. I suspect the problem is you.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2023 11:25     Subject: Re:Post nup after wife starts earning more
What a terrible thing to do to your spouse. Regardless of your gender and sex. This is a recipe for a terrible marriage and a terrible family life. I hope you do not have children because this is the kind of toxic thinking that will make them into toxic people too.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2023 11:08     Subject: Post nup after wife starts earning more
Oof.

OP, was he not a scientist when you married? Was his lack of big business drive a sudden shock 5 years into marriage? I suspect you knew all along that he wasn’t a major earner, but it was fine until you drastically out earned him and now you’re crying about all the $$$ you could have had in life if he had only been a different person.

What is it you think you can’t do on $240k? Because we make slightly less than that and are comfortably on track to put two kids through college and retire at a decent age. You very well could step back if you wanted to prioritize less work, but it sounds like money is your biggest carrot. You don’t need to make your current $480k to raise 2 kids, even in the dc metro—I promise.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2023 11:02     Subject: Re:Post nup after wife starts earning more
Why don’t you guys try to live on his salary for 3 or 4 years and save yours 100%? Then you can scale back and invest that million and live a comfortable life.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2023 10:55     Subject: Post nup after wife starts earning more
Anonymous wrote:I am so disappointed in the viewpoints expressed in this thread.

OP says her DH spends more time with their child, she needs him to continue doing that, but she fears losing control of her wealth in a divorce. Sounds like a situation men are usually in.

Does women's equality only mean equality in the benefits men receive but not the risks they take? If any of you think OP is justified in an postnup, please put your apron on and go make me a chicken pot pie.

Yes.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2023 10:54     Subject: Re:Post nup after wife starts earning more
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would never do this either. It’s hard to imagine that money is so important to you. It’s not like he’s a deadbeat and not contributing.


It’s very simple - I am going to have to work many years longer than I want to at a job I don’t love to compensate for his prioritizing his own interests over income in order to pay for college and retire comfortably. If either of us decides to leave the marriage, I don’t feel he should get half of the wealth I’ve built making sacrifices he has not made.


You must be a troll. Or maybe you're actually a man who switched around the genders in your story? This sounds like the typical BS you get from men who suddenly make more money and want to screw over their wife.


I haven’t read the whole thread but 100% this
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2023 10:54     Subject: Post nup after wife starts earning more
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?


I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

I feel my duty to provide for my family comes before my satisfaction in my career, and my husband does not.

And since I’m focused on earning, I’m going to be able to pay for college and then some, and I don’t feel like sharing the “and then some” with the person who put his passion above helping me provide for our kids if our marriage breaks down.

I won’t keep defending myself, but I’ll keep reading the other points of view and reflect on them.

— my DH and I make less than this combined. We are very comfortably saving for college and retirement while living in a 2500 square foot house and vacationing. Our kids are older, but we also had nanny/child care/au pair expenses when they were younger.

OP, did you feel this way before you got pregnant? Would you benefit from seeing a financial planner and/or being screened for depression?






Pregnancy and nursing exacerbate bad feelings around gender roles. Women biologically carry the load with babies, plus she’s carrying the load of being the families’ provider. All the people on here railing on OP should try harder to empathize. I’ve been here, and the feelings, especially mixed with pregnancy hormones, can be overwhelming. I agree with the posters who suggest the feelings might be minimized if he’s a super dad who cooks, cleans and runs the older kid around, but most mothers are going to feel some pain if their spouse gets more parenting time.


Well, they can each get 50 percent of "parenting time" if they divorce. Lovely for the kids, I'm sure.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2023 10:51     Subject: Re:Post nup after wife starts earning more
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would never do this either. It’s hard to imagine that money is so important to you. It’s not like he’s a deadbeat and not contributing.


It’s very simple - I am going to have to work many years longer than I want to at a job I don’t love to compensate for his prioritizing his own interests over income in order to pay for college and retire comfortably. If either of us decides to leave the marriage, I don’t feel he should get half of the wealth I’ve built making sacrifices he has not made.


You seem to be aware of your own resentment and your marriage's misaligned values. If you're that aware, why are you focusing on working on the financials and not working on the resentment instead? You are living with the full-on assumption you absolutely will divorce at some point. Why do that rather than get serious solo and couples therapy around the values and the resentments (he may have a few of his own)? Do you actually love him or do you just muddle along in an OK marriage focusing on your mutual incomes? It sounds as if you and he do not share a love rooted in much -- did you both marry mostly to build wealth, have kids and...what else, exactly? You don't seem to paint a picture of an actual family enjoying being a family and looking forward to adding another child.

Also: Why have you always remained in a "job I don't love" while he is following his own passion? Have you and he discussed your being the one to move to a job you love at any point? If not, why not? Does he not realize how much you dislike your job and how you feel he gets to do what he pleases while you do what you must only to support him?

BTW, these are not questions I hope you'll answer here but ones to ask yourself and maybe explore with a professional.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2023 10:50     Subject: Post nup after wife starts earning more
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can you focus on joint goals that you may not have achieved for now? For example, use your extra earnings to fully fund 529 plans, and get an agreement from him that in the event of divorce, they will be deemed assets of the children, managed by you? Maybe you live off your matched joint earnings and you invest your excess in accounts you control?


This is exactly what I’m thinking. Except if our marriage breaks down I want to fully keep those accounts (not 529s) I control.


I am a man.

In this scenario if you asked me for a post-nup at this point in our marriage when you start making bank, I would say no.

Then what?

Divorce seems obvious. You will pay alimony and a higher amount of child support.


Child support, yes. Probably not alimony. You might as well spend your extra money on a nicer car for yourself, spa days, better clothes.


Why can’t you do this while married?


That’s the whole point. Enjoy it now. In a divorce half of the savings get split.


It is not just the savings. The $120k DH earns and contributes will no longer be part of the HHI. OP will have to pay her own mortgage. Her Dh covers probably all necessities now.

I have a friend who got divorced over money. She bought a home and loved the freedom. She got laid off and going through her savings fast. I think she may lose her home. We know them and Dh is friends with the ex husband. I thought the ex would step up but he isn’t since she is the one who wanted to live it up.

College savings is the last thing on their minds now. The divorce screwed the kids up and kids will go to bad colleges or no college at all. Maybe they are just rebelling but the whole family just fell apart.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2023 10:44     Subject: Post nup after wife starts earning more
I am so disappointed in the viewpoints expressed in this thread.

OP says her DH spends more time with their child, she needs him to continue doing that, but she fears losing control of her wealth in a divorce. Sounds like a situation men are usually in.

Does women's equality only mean equality in the benefits men receive but not the risks they take? If any of you think OP is justified in an postnup, please put your apron on and go make me a chicken pot pie.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2023 10:40     Subject: Post nup after wife starts earning more
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This will not hold up in court.


Even if he agrees to it?



You think he will still agree if you divorce? Think again.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2023 10:40     Subject: Post nup after wife starts earning more
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This will not hold up in court.

Why are post-nups not enforceable? I see this comment a lot, just curious why a prenup is generally enforceable but a post-nup isn’t? Is it easier to claim it was signed under duress?


Exactly. They already have a kid together with another on the way. It’s not possible to simply walk away. If one partner wants to stay, it gives the other a ton of power in the postnup negotiations.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2023 10:39     Subject: Post nup after wife starts earning more
Tolerate this and consider it a point on the board for gender equality. Income disparity / being the provider works both ways.

To make it more tolerable, identify something that he can do that you don’t want to do - say make great dinners - and have him to it as a way to make your life experience more rich.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2023 10:39     Subject: Post nup after wife starts earning more
Anonymous wrote:This will not hold up in court.


+1. If you want to keep your money, you should divorce. You can divorce and live in the same house if you want. You can be rooomates and still be mom and dad. He probably would not agree to it though.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2023 10:37     Subject: Post nup after wife starts earning more
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?


I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

I feel my duty to provide for my family comes before my satisfaction in my career, and my husband does not.

And since I’m focused on earning, I’m going to be able to pay for college and then some, and I don’t feel like sharing the “and then some” with the person who put his passion above helping me provide for our kids if our marriage breaks down.

I won’t keep defending myself, but I’ll keep reading the other points of view and reflect on them.

— my DH and I make less than this combined. We are very comfortably saving for college and retirement while living in a 2500 square foot house and vacationing. Our kids are older, but we also had nanny/child care/au pair expenses when they were younger.

OP, did you feel this way before you got pregnant? Would you benefit from seeing a financial planner and/or being screened for depression?






Pregnancy and nursing exacerbate bad feelings around gender roles. Women biologically carry the load with babies, plus she’s carrying the load of being the families’ provider. All the people on here railing on OP should try harder to empathize. I’ve been here, and the feelings, especially mixed with pregnancy hormones, can be overwhelming. I agree with the posters who suggest the feelings might be minimized if he’s a super dad who cooks, cleans and runs the older kid around, but most mothers are going to feel some pain if their spouse gets more parenting time.