Anonymous wrote:“Why do you ask?”

Usually catches people off guard.

and it gives you a moment to think of other questions to hit them with.

I've taught my kids this - they don't have to answer questions friends or adults ask. We've had lots of adults try to get information about our salaries etc. People need to learn this skill. When our family moved to a new neighborhood, there were different dads who were tasked with the job of finding out the scoop about neighbors. One was aggressive and my dh was so stunned he seemed to be in an interview. I asked him why he was grilling us. The other dad was so fake nice we had no clue he was information gathering. I recognize it more quickly now and usually shut it down by hitting the asker with 10 questions and ignore their questions. The reality is most people want to talk about themselves and it's so easy to get them answering questions for you.

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Anonymous wrote:I would say, Why do you ask?

This is a stupid response. People ask because they're curious.

Why are you curious?

Because I’m a naturally curious person who is interested in other people.

So in--

You: "Are you planning on having more kids?"
Response: "What makes you ask?"

Your response wouldn't be to inwardly think, yikes that is none of my business? Just FYI, if you said "Because I’m a naturally curious person who is interested in other people" I would respond

- I am having a miscarriage as we speak
- My marriage is in trouble
- I can't and it's so painful
- I am depressed or dying, and don't think it's wise
- My husband can't get it up

Even if none of the above are true.

If you asked,

- Why did you keep your maiden name?
- Because I’m a naturally curious person who is interested in other people

I would respond,

"because I think people who do it are dumb"

It seems like often questions have agendas

Maybe you think that saying you're having a miscarriage as we speak would make me uncomfortable, but it wouldn't. I'm not afraid of traditionally uncomfortable discussions.

Ha, good one - because I wouldn't feel uncomfortable either (I am the person you are quoting) if the person voluntarily brought it up. But if thy didn't want to talk about something so painful and personal with me in response to a casual question? Not feeling bad is not kind and not something to brag about.

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Anonymous wrote:You need to learn how to redirect these idiots, OP. Otherwise, avoid them completely.

Please, some examples of redirect. I'd prefer that to slightly confrontational answers like 'why do you ask?" Which invites further discussion. Thanks!

DP, but I gave a similar answer about a generic or funny comment then re-directing. Examples:

“Has Larlo been accepted to any colleges yet?”

Me: he’s still exploring options. Oh before I forget, can you send me that cake recipe you made for Sally’s party.

“Are you on the work committee that is deciding whether to let Larla go?”

Me: That’s above my pay grade! Anyway, I’ve been meaning to mention, there’s a new coffee shop going up a block away. I’m excited to check out.

Those redirects always seem so pointed. And I'm someone who's perfectly comfortable not answering things

"Where's Larlo going to college?"
"We're letting him make that announcement"

"Did your parents leave much of an estate?"
"Yikes. That's quite a question"

I'm not going to add, "Have you been to the farmers market?"

I just have a kid that left for college - and when asked I say it's bittersweet because I'm excited for them but a bit sad for me missing them. But it would be annoying to be asked repeatedly...

Anonymous wrote:Would you say that?

I am not the op but yes someone in my life keeps asking me "How are you feeling about xx being away?" She is known to fish for information and pot stir. This is about my daughter going to college. It seems like she is fishing for me to say either I am devastated or if I am not devastated enough she will read into that I do not care. She has asked me already and I answered but keeps sending me the same question every few days. Maybe it is being nice but based on her history of fishing for info etc. and repeating everything I say to be later scutinized I am not sure how to answer?

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Anonymous wrote:You need to learn how to redirect these idiots, OP. Otherwise, avoid them completely.

Please, some examples of redirect. I'd prefer that to slightly confrontational answers like 'why do you ask?" Which invites further discussion. Thanks!

DP, but I gave a similar answer about a generic or funny comment then re-directing. Examples:

“Has Larlo been accepted to any colleges yet?”

Me: he’s still exploring options. Oh before I forget, can you send me that cake recipe you made for Sally’s party.

“Are you on the work committee that is deciding whether to let Larla go?”

Me: That’s above my pay grade! Anyway, I’ve been meaning to mention, there’s a new coffee shop going up a block away. I’m excited to check out.

Depends on who is asking and what the question is. I hate awkward interactions, so I’d probably make some sort of joke to laugh off the question and re-direct the conversation.

Anonymous wrote:It’s fascinating how many of you have fantasies of telling other people off, putting them in their place or otherwise deliberately trying to make them uncomfortable. Not a good look.

Awww, you don't like your nosiness to be called out?

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Anonymous wrote:I would say, Why do you ask?

This is a stupid response. People ask because they're curious.

I was going to recommend "Why would you ask that?" It calls them out for their "curiosity" aka nosiness.

This is something that SIL would do, but she is slightly paranoid. We are not close, and she has no long term friends.

I would add, the question would be totally innocuous.

So follow her social cues and leave her alone. Say hello and goodbye and please pass the potatoes. She’s not interested in a close relationship with you. And that’s fine.

Anonymous wrote:Would you say that?

I actually had this happen recently. My deceased stepsister's son found us. He grew up/was stolen with his pos father in Jordan. Son is back in the US and asking about his mother. He didn't even know what she looked like. He was told she didn't want him. Not true. She died from bone cancer at 44. So he was curious and I sent him pictures of his mother. He asked questions I did not want to answer so I told him the answer will not make your life any better. I wanted him to have good thoughts, nothing negative. He was good with that.

"That's none of your business" is a little aggressive but does the trick.

Anonymous wrote:You need to learn how to redirect these idiots, OP. Otherwise, avoid them completely.

Please, some examples of redirect. I'd prefer that to slightly confrontational answers like 'why do you ask?" Which invites further discussion. Thanks!

I am a lifelong but recovering people pleaser, so when people ask questions I don't want to answer, I either:

1) Answer anyway because I can't think quickly enough to remember that I'm not actually required to disclose info to someone just because they asked, OR

2) Get openly irritated with them for asking what I think is an inappropriate question or making me feel uncomfortable or obligated to share something I don't want to share.

I am getting better at stopping, remembering I have free will, and just evading the question, or asking a question back ("why do you ask?") or changing the subject. Or even calmly saying "I don't think that's any of your business." I know these are the right responses but it is hard for me to overcome my feeling of obligation, or my resentment for that sense of obligation. Blame a childhood of being give no privacy and then being yelled at for the tiniest thing.

I tend to answer quickly and sarcastically. I find these questions mostly come from family though.

Are you having more kids? Yes, at least 10.

Are you trying to lose weight? No, I’m eating as much as I can whenever I go, mostly fast food.

Anonymous wrote: I say “I don’t talk about x”

Thank you so much for this. It’s really good.