Anonymous wrote:OP: look for a man who is not mentally ill, for starters.

This

It’s not all the easy to ID ones either - like alcoholics, unemployed, anger all the times.


It’s the one who show no real emotions who are really psychotic, esp when anger is the only one the exhibit later.
Bottle it all up, act & perform throughout the day, and blow up on a regular basis. Then deny it.

Avoid narcissists- whether driven by a mental disorder or a personality disorder.

This can be difficult as they move bomb you and are hyperfocused on being in best behavior, best dates, best gifts, witty jokes, best restaurants whilst dating.

Then poof. Back to self centeredness and you are a prop to propel them up.

Anonymous wrote:OP: look for a man who is not mentally ill, for starters.

This.

No chronic executive functioning issues either.

Have them plan a vacation soup to nuts- without paying off the concierge to do it, or a friend.

See if they stick up for you (or whither away) when someone’s scamming you for a repair or at a store.

Do they offer up their opinions on things, people or events or just waft through life tagging along

Do they have fun (and sensible) ideas for what to do on weekends, trips or some evenings? Or ask you or wait to be told?

Are they proactive and handy? Do they see something broken and fix it shortly thereafter or arrange a repairman? Or do they ignore it for the Magic Fairy to take care of? Same for overflowing garbage can, oil changes, broken doors, health appts.

Can they resolve personal conflicts with civil communication? Or do they gaslight, stonewall, ignore, get angry, deflect or blame?

Do they take responsibility for doing or not doing something they should have? Or messing up or forgetting? Are they able to apologize and move on- or do they double down and start an argument or litany of excuses?

It's tough because when people are dating they're on their best behavior. Ideally you'd want to see how he responds to a crisis but you might not have that opportunity.

Anonymous wrote:My husband checked all the boxes but he always seemed annoyed when he talked to his mom. Turns out about 7 years later, that same annoyed voice finally made an appearance when he talks to me. Other than that it's been ok I guess.

Are you mothering him?

Since you brought it up, I want to slap some of my friends for choosing who they chose.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you identify a good husband?

In retrospect, that’s how. A lot of this is luck — major midlife issues can crop up in seemingly stable folks.

Agreed.

However, filtering out men with mental illness, depression, and substance abuse issues is a good place to start.

x10000

You don't know, until you know. Y'all always thought you were too old, then you really were. Run, don't walk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is a good husband and I'll list some of the thing that stuck out to me when we were dating that go above the obvious (like kindness, sexual compatibility, etc)

- Enjoys cooking
- Got excited about showing me updates to his apartment
- Genuinely wanted my opinion about things. We talked about his job, family, issues with friends, life in general
- Would let me talk about issues with my job or family without trying to fix it. Knew when I just needed to vent and when I needed his opinions
- Made an effort to become friends with my friends and family
- Was very supportive when my dad got seriously ill
- Honest. We talked about everything. There were no secrets
- Took pride in his own things and kept his apartment clean.
- Supported me through a job crisis and then career change. He has always respected me and been my cheerleader

Agree with all. Another is that my husband never lets my carry the groceries or any load, actual or figurative, by myself. I'm never cleaning, cooking, or taking care of our kids alone. He's right there with me. When we were dating, he'd fill our dog's water bowl as I filled the food bowl. He shows me every day that we're a team.

I'm glad he found you, because this would drive me nuts. Sometimes I want to handle things by myself??

Anonymous wrote:When dating what qualities does one look for in a man to ensure he would be a good husband?

Firstly, make sure he is actually interested in becoming a husband in near future. If not then it doesn't matter if he is 100% ideal husband material.

Anonymous wrote:How do you identify a good husband?

In retrospect, that’s how. A lot of this is luck — major midlife issues can crop up in seemingly stable folks.

Agreed.

However, filtering out men with mental illness, depression, and substance abuse issues is a good place to start.

How do you identify a good husband?

In retrospect, that’s how. A lot of this is luck — major midlife issues can crop up in seemingly stable folks.