Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one of those things that is a Rohschacht test for how we view our place in the world. I can't understand the advice about not giving her the attention or satisfaction because I don't view life, or other people's attention, like a contest to be won. We're all connected, and our actions impact others. Being given the opportunity to make amends to someone you've harmed is a gift, not some kind of middle school faux paus. If the OW can understand this, then she will respond to the humanity in OP's message. If she can't, then her lack of emotional maturity is its own punishment, and however she lashes out from that is a nothingburger to someone at peace with herself.

Of course, there's an inverse relationship between emotional maturity and getting involved in an affair, so the OP needs to keep expectations for an appropriate response very low. If she still wants to proceed because speaking her truth matters to her, that's totally fine. Not acting out of fear of earning the derision of someone who clearly lacks good judgment is silly.

You post is too long and reeks of drama.

I think it sounds like a minty fresh new elementary school teacher. Opportunity to make amends to someone you’ve harmed, indeed.

Go ahead and confront the AP, maybe you'll feel a moment of satisfaction. You still have to go home and live with your lying, cheating husband who stuck his tongue, fingers and penis in another woman. You win!

Anonymous wrote:This is one of those things that is a Rohschacht test for how we view our place in the world. I can't understand the advice about not giving her the attention or satisfaction because I don't view life, or other people's attention, like a contest to be won. We're all connected, and our actions impact others. Being given the opportunity to make amends to someone you've harmed is a gift, not some kind of middle school faux paus. If the OW can understand this, then she will respond to the humanity in OP's message. If she can't, then her lack of emotional maturity is its own punishment, and however she lashes out from that is a nothingburger to someone at peace with herself.

Of course, there's an inverse relationship between emotional maturity and getting involved in an affair, so the OP needs to keep expectations for an appropriate response very low. If she still wants to proceed because speaking her truth matters to her, that's totally fine. Not acting out of fear of earning the derision of someone who clearly lacks good judgment is silly.

You post is too long and reeks of drama.

Anonymous wrote:Is the OP going to chase down all of her husband's affair partners? Because this particular mistress probably wasn't the first and definitely won't be the last. The marriage is clearly lacking if he's screwing around on her. The "remorse" that he's showing will wear off and he'll be back on the apps looking for strange once he thinks the coast is clear. *shrug*

It is the dh who is lacking character by cheating. Op has abided his cheating and he will never leave her. It's not an ideal relationship to many of us, but it is a strong one. I couldn't stay with a cheater, but I was raised by a cheating father and a mother who put up with it. Their marriage lasted through cheating. Eventually, my dad settled down and my mom enjoyed 30 more years without him cheating. They died 3 months apart, having been married 50 years.

This is one of those things that is a Rohschacht test for how we view our place in the world. I can't understand the advice about not giving her the attention or satisfaction because I don't view life, or other people's attention, like a contest to be won. We're all connected, and our actions impact others. Being given the opportunity to make amends to someone you've harmed is a gift, not some kind of middle school faux paus. If the OW can understand this, then she will respond to the humanity in OP's message. If she can't, then her lack of emotional maturity is its own punishment, and however she lashes out from that is a nothingburger to someone at peace with herself.

Of course, there's an inverse relationship between emotional maturity and getting involved in an affair, so the OP needs to keep expectations for an appropriate response very low. If she still wants to proceed because speaking her truth matters to her, that's totally fine. Not acting out of fear of earning the derision of someone who clearly lacks good judgment is silly.

Is the OP going to chase down all of her husband's affair partners? Because this particular mistress probably wasn't the first and definitely won't be the last. The marriage is clearly lacking if he's screwing around on her. The "remorse" that he's showing will wear off and he'll be back on the apps looking for strange once he thinks the coast is clear. *shrug*

The ow wins if you contact her in any form. She already had your dh, who made a vow to you. If you must do something involving her, get some type of revenge. Remember, make sure enough time has passed so that you aren't the obvious suspect. STOP bringing this b up to your dh, so that he believes she's not on your radar. When you exact your revenge, act alone and NEVER speak of it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would she get? He dropped her the minute I discovered it and has been completely no contact, doing everything he can to show remorse, work on marriage, etc. this is for me…

OP, you HAVE to let this be enough for you because it's the best you can ask for right now. Him discarding her like trash and then NO CONTACT EVER from both of you is the best revenge. If you reach out, she'll know that she still holds power, you're still thinking about her, you're relationship must be ruined, and she will get some sick sense of satisfaction that she still has a place in your relationship (see: every single position r/theotherwoman).

I hope you'll listen to this post above, OP.

This pretty much defines the idea that "Even negative attention is still attention."

Confronting her only gives her attention. She will know she got your goat enough to make you want to see her. Even if you blast her, that's still negative attention. Like PP says: No contact ever again from either you or DH is the best revenge. Erasure is much better than attention, no matter how much you may want to say your piece to her. I do get that you want to lay out your anger so she knows what she's done to you, and that's totally understandable. Fight that understandable impulse and think of her feeling utterly erased. She invested time, emotion and sex in your DH and...poof, gone, like she never existed. Much better than giving her your angry words to chew on or a confrontation with you to discuss with her friends. Do not hand her anything of yours, even your angry words. She's already had something that belonged to you and she had to give it back. Don't give her anything else of yours--not even your breath as you tell her to go to hell.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’ll give her an excuse to reach out to your husband and open the lines of communication again.

This is a possible scenario. AP will text husband 'pls tell your crazy wife to stay away from me.' 'I'm sorry. i didn't know she was going to do that' 'well she did. i dont want it to happen again' 'i won't. I promise....so how have you been?'

+1 And it also runs the risk of turning the AP into a victim in the cheater DH's eyes--a victim he feels he might want to protect from his wife. So much potential for this contact to backfire and put the AP back into the DH's orbit, OP.

Anonymous wrote:I did it and it was great!

She was shaking in her shoes. To her I was just and idea and a lie. When she saw exactly who I was she felt small and pathetic.

Everyone needs to be held accountable for their action, everyone.

Go for it!

Did you wreak the same vengeance on your cheating spouse and make him "shake in his shoes"? I'm betting he either got of easier, or you really reamed him but he didn't quiver once.

I would confront but be prepared that she would probably just walk away/ignore you. First of all to verify the dh version since he’s already lied. And second of all because how you imagine her will live larger in your head than the actual person who will just turn out to be a regular nobody.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would she get? He dropped her the minute I discovered it and has been completely no contact, doing everything he can to show remorse, work on marriage, etc. this is for me…

So why bother then?

It's like taking a victory lap after a race.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve posted before and I know that tge overwhelming advice is not to, but I am really thinking I have to or it’s going to bother me forever. Anyone do this and glad they did?

Yes he’s the one I hold accountable, but it’s a matter of pride or something deep in me that feels this need so strongly.

Your choice of words is interesting, OP.

If you had pride you would not stoop to something that cannot possibly go well.

The affair will always be with you although it may not "bother you forever."

You sound very immature, impulsive and dramatic. Are you in counseling?

Lol if she had “pride” she’d leave her husband - not confront the AP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you start an emotional affair with her while you are trying to heal your marriage?

+1 Read this again. Do you miss the drama? Your husband so devoid of emotion about actual affair that you intuitively are drawn to someone you know was substantively impacted ? What is your fantasy Jerry Springer scenario? She is prostate with remorse and begs forgiveness? You exchange insults and pull each others’ hair?

OOPS! ^ prostrate

Anonymous wrote:What would she get? He dropped her the minute I discovered it and has been completely no contact, doing everything he can to show remorse, work on marriage, etc. this is for me…

So why bother then?