Anonymous wrote:You need to be a better host for this sold holiday. Buck up. We have to do stuff we don’t like to give good memories to our kids. It’s one holiday. Just order out a lot. Quit being a cry baby.

My least favorite memory of every holiday was how tired my mother was. We need to give our kids memories of rested and relaxed parents sharing their magic.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.

It is rude if the deal was alternating and OP’s family is still welcome on their years.

Alternating holidays is not a blood pact— it works if (and only if) it works for all the parties involved. OP is not required to travel, or to host, in the name of good manners if it doesn’t work for her. She SHOULD tell people soon so they can make alternative plans.

But it’s not faaaaaaair. Wah wah wah. If one side of the family is difficult to deal with, they aren’t going to be treated the same. This belief that you have to treat all the extended family the same is childish.

Convenient excuse if you just don’t like them.

This doesn’t make any sense. If you don’t like your in-laws, and you’re seeing them *at all* then you’re putting in the effort and deserve thanks and appreciation.

Lots of women on this board dislike their in-laws for no actual reason.

So? They don’t like them. The reason is irrelevant. If they’re spending time—any time— with people they don’t like in the interest of making their spouses happy, and forging a relationship between children and grandchildren, they deserve thanks and appreciation.

No, their husbands deserve a wife who is not actively trying to sabotage the relationship with his family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Narcissism is rampant in today’s society under the guise of “feminism”. You can be pro feminism AND kind AND support extended family. All I ever see on DCURBAN mom is selfishness to the core. If it’s not self serving, it’s called being “door mat” or “martyr”. What goes around, comes around is all I’m saying here.

I think you can be feminist AND kind AND supportive AND not travel or host every year.

This. I don’t understand so many people giving OP grief. It’s many months away, these are he DH’s PARENTS (so this isn’t unlike uninviting a boss or something the night before the event). Her DH should be able to have a frank conversation with his parents about what they are and aren’t up for doing.

DH, “Hey mom and dad. Not sure what you are thinking for the holidays, but I did want to let you know that this has been a tough year for us already - and summer isn’t even over! So we are definitely staying home for the holidays this year. And we’d love to have you join us, but there is just no way we can pull off a traditional holiday celebration. So you can either come, stay in a hotel and we figure out some easy food plans vs hosting something big, or we can hit pause and try again next year. Another option is that we plan to extend our visit to you next summer. Instead of 5 days, we could extend that to 7 or 8 days and maybe all head out to the lake for a few days. Clearly no rush since December of far away, but I did want to give you that heads-up in case that means you want to go see Sis and her family instead this year.”

You need to be a better host for this sold holiday. Buck up. We have to do stuff we don’t like to give good memories to our kids. It’s one holiday. Just order out a lot. Quit being a cry baby.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your husband to host it and own the process. His family

NO, dear. It's supposed to be OUR family. You're married, right?

I married my husband, not his family. I like them and do lots for them when they visit, but if and when I’m burned out or they act up (thankfully rare), then I step out and let DH handle his people.

If your children have children, I think you'll see that being treated as "his people" and "her people" is not the way to go.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.

It is rude if the deal was alternating and OP’s family is still welcome on their years.

Alternating holidays is not a blood pact— it works if (and only if) it works for all the parties involved. OP is not required to travel, or to host, in the name of good manners if it doesn’t work for her. She SHOULD tell people soon so they can make alternative plans.

But it’s not faaaaaaair. Wah wah wah. If one side of the family is difficult to deal with, they aren’t going to be treated the same. This belief that you have to treat all the extended family the same is childish.

Convenient excuse if you just don’t like them.

This doesn’t make any sense. If you don’t like your in-laws, and you’re seeing them *at all* then you’re putting in the effort and deserve thanks and appreciation.

Lots of women on this board dislike their in-laws for no actual reason.

+1 or minor reasons. Wondering what they're perspective will be when they are the in-laws.

their

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.

It is rude if the deal was alternating and OP’s family is still welcome on their years.

Alternating holidays is not a blood pact— it works if (and only if) it works for all the parties involved. OP is not required to travel, or to host, in the name of good manners if it doesn’t work for her. She SHOULD tell people soon so they can make alternative plans.

But it’s not faaaaaaair. Wah wah wah. If one side of the family is difficult to deal with, they aren’t going to be treated the same. This belief that you have to treat all the extended family the same is childish.

Convenient excuse if you just don’t like them.

This doesn’t make any sense. If you don’t like your in-laws, and you’re seeing them *at all* then you’re putting in the effort and deserve thanks and appreciation.

Lots of women on this board dislike their in-laws for no actual reason.

+1 or minor reasons. Wondering what they're perspective will be when they are the in-laws.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I will say is be careful of favoring one set of parents over the other, particularly when the issues are minor and not about abuse. Your kids are watching you and you're teaching them how to value extended family - which you will someday be.

Sigh. You post this every time there is a discussion about extended family. So useless and dumb.

I actually don't, so there is at least one other person on DCUM who is mindful of the model they provide for their children. Everything we do conveys a message to our kids - how we structure our family, how we deal with stress, how we treat our spouses/partners, how we navigate conflict, how we spend our money - everything is a model about our values, etc. Kids 1000% are more likely to do as you do, than do as you say, and that's because your actions teach them more than your words. If that's a useless and dumb consideration to you, godspeed, or maybe go to therapy and learn how your family of origin influenced who you are and your world view. It can be quite enlightening.

Modeling self-care is important too so I'm not suggesting anyone martyr themselves, but maybe there's a middle ground were one can carve out time for self-care AND be some sort of a host to grandparents over the holidays.

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Anonymous wrote:I think you’re struggling to find a polite way to say this because it’s a rude thing to say.

+1. So OP is really lazy. She can’t be bothered to travel and be waited on. She can only stand it when people travel TO her AND wait on her. What happens when your kids are grown OP? I guess they are SOL.

It’s her choice if she wants to be that way. We all don’t have to conform to your way of being. But judge away grandma.

We will, thanks. Wah wah it’s HER choice. Right. Her choice to be a selfish narcissist. Way to go!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.

It is rude if the deal was alternating and OP’s family is still welcome on their years.

Alternating holidays is not a blood pact— it works if (and only if) it works for all the parties involved. OP is not required to travel, or to host, in the name of good manners if it doesn’t work for her. She SHOULD tell people soon so they can make alternative plans.

But it’s not faaaaaaair. Wah wah wah. If one side of the family is difficult to deal with, they aren’t going to be treated the same. This belief that you have to treat all the extended family the same is childish.

Convenient excuse if you just don’t like them.

This doesn’t make any sense. If you don’t like your in-laws, and you’re seeing them *at all* then you’re putting in the effort and deserve thanks and appreciation.

Lots of women on this board dislike their in-laws for no actual reason.

So? They don’t like them. The reason is irrelevant. If they’re spending time—any time— with people they don’t like in the interest of making their spouses happy, and forging a relationship between children and grandchildren, they deserve thanks and appreciation.

Ok Jan. Your husband is a doormat.

Lol I get along with my in laws— we leave for vacation with them next week actually— but I’ll let him know an angry lady on the internet says so.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.

It is rude if the deal was alternating and OP’s family is still welcome on their years.

Alternating holidays is not a blood pact— it works if (and only if) it works for all the parties involved. OP is not required to travel, or to host, in the name of good manners if it doesn’t work for her. She SHOULD tell people soon so they can make alternative plans.

But it’s not faaaaaaair. Wah wah wah. If one side of the family is difficult to deal with, they aren’t going to be treated the same. This belief that you have to treat all the extended family the same is childish.

Convenient excuse if you just don’t like them.

This doesn’t make any sense. If you don’t like your in-laws, and you’re seeing them *at all* then you’re putting in the effort and deserve thanks and appreciation.

Lots of women on this board dislike their in-laws for no actual reason.

So? They don’t like them. The reason is irrelevant. If they’re spending time—any time— with people they don’t like in the interest of making their spouses happy, and forging a relationship between children and grandchildren, they deserve thanks and appreciation.

Ok Jan. Your husband is a doormat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.

It is rude if the deal was alternating and OP’s family is still welcome on their years.

Alternating holidays is not a blood pact— it works if (and only if) it works for all the parties involved. OP is not required to travel, or to host, in the name of good manners if it doesn’t work for her. She SHOULD tell people soon so they can make alternative plans.

But it’s not faaaaaaair. Wah wah wah. If one side of the family is difficult to deal with, they aren’t going to be treated the same. This belief that you have to treat all the extended family the same is childish.

Convenient excuse if you just don’t like them.

This doesn’t make any sense. If you don’t like your in-laws, and you’re seeing them *at all* then you’re putting in the effort and deserve thanks and appreciation.

Lots of women on this board dislike their in-laws for no actual reason.

So? They don’t like them. The reason is irrelevant. If they’re spending time—any time— with people they don’t like in the interest of making their spouses happy, and forging a relationship between children and grandchildren, they deserve thanks and appreciation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.

It is rude if the deal was alternating and OP’s family is still welcome on their years.

Alternating holidays is not a blood pact— it works if (and only if) it works for all the parties involved. OP is not required to travel, or to host, in the name of good manners if it doesn’t work for her. She SHOULD tell people soon so they can make alternative plans.

But it’s not faaaaaaair. Wah wah wah. If one side of the family is difficult to deal with, they aren’t going to be treated the same. This belief that you have to treat all the extended family the same is childish.

Convenient excuse if you just don’t like them.

This doesn’t make any sense. If you don’t like your in-laws, and you’re seeing them *at all* then you’re putting in the effort and deserve thanks and appreciation.

Lots of women on this board dislike their in-laws for no actual reason.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I will say is be careful of favoring one set of parents over the other, particularly when the issues are minor and not about abuse. Your kids are watching you and you're teaching them how to value extended family - which you will someday be.

Sigh. You post this every time there is a discussion about extended family. So useless and dumb.

NP. I haven’t seen that post on here before, and I actually thought it was a helpful perspective.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.

It is rude if the deal was alternating and OP’s family is still welcome on their years.

Alternating holidays is not a blood pact— it works if (and only if) it works for all the parties involved. OP is not required to travel, or to host, in the name of good manners if it doesn’t work for her. She SHOULD tell people soon so they can make alternative plans.

But it’s not faaaaaaair. Wah wah wah. If one side of the family is difficult to deal with, they aren’t going to be treated the same. This belief that you have to treat all the extended family the same is childish.

Convenient excuse if you just don’t like them.

This doesn’t make any sense. If you don’t like your in-laws, and you’re seeing them *at all* then you’re putting in the effort and deserve thanks and appreciation.