We have always told both sets of parents to live their lives, never excessively meddled in their finances, haven't asked for extravagant gifts etc - we are secure and totally okay that it is their money to do with as they see fit. Nothing to do with us.

But, I still find it incredibly off putting when my well off ILs seem to take pleasure in telling us they plan to eat all their money. It seems spiteful and weird.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a boomer thing. Some people will say it's selfish, but I think it's just a resetting of expectations of what it means to age.

When I was a kid, my grandparents were always available to babysit, and pretty much homebodies. Oh, they golfed and played bridge, got dinner with friends, and did the Florida snowbird thing, but they weren't taking big trips, eating out all the time, going to bars, hosting big parties, etc. We spent every NYE with them while my parents went out.

Now, I still stay home on NYE because my parents are still going out and not babysitting 😂 They just live differently , and they seem so much younger than my grandparents did at their age.They eat out, get cocktails, travel, etc. Basically, they're still living, which means they're spending a lot more money in their golden years.

So, unlike my parents, I don't have on-call, free babysitters and I don't expect to see a dime when they pass, but I actually think it's good. They worked hard for years and should enjoy this time. They gave me everything I needed to set myself up for success on my own. Will I ever be filthy rich? No. But I'm comfortable and looking forward to enjoying my own golden years once kids are grown and gone and I (hopefully) have some savings.

I understand this approach. I find it strange to save and sacrifice your entire life just so you can pass money along to greedy kids like OP. My own mother doesn’t even have cleaners but will be passing me an estate of a few million dollars.

Personally I plan on also spending most of my money. You can’t take it with you and I’m not going to limit vacations and luxuries to pass down money to my kids. I’m not trying to die with the largest bank account.

Heh it's easy for you to judge OP when you think you've got a few million dollars coming to you.

It's so hard to talk about money. It's so hard to talk about death. All of it is hard to talk about.

My own dad told me maybe a decade ago that he hoped to spend his last penny on the day of his death. I was really shocked - first, because even though I am a full grown adult, I am traumatized even thinking of my parents being gone. But also because why would you say that? My mom's tried to tell me since then that he doesn't mean it, blah blah blah - but I think he does mean it, and if that's what happens a hundred years from now when he and my mom are gone, so be it. They worked hard, it's theirs to do with what they want. But I'm also not some pollyanna martyr - I KNOW it's weird for my dad to have said this, and probably also for him to act like it's what he wants to do. Like I would never, in a hundred years, try to get my parents to NOT enjoy themselves in any way at all for the sake of leaving an inheritance - but even I, who has no kids, am thinking about what I can leave to my sibling's kids one day, and hoping that it will make their lives a little easier and nicer.

It's hard and strange to even think about any of this, let alone to talk about it - let alone to post on judgment central here about any of these complicated things. I don't get the sense OP is being greedy or mean, or wishing harm to her parents or anything. I think that money is complicated. I think that most of us have some association between money and love - and if our parents tell us they hope we get nothing from them, it brings up a lot of emotions! Also, it just feels bad. Also it perhaps affects how you think about your own later years - if you expected that you, at 80, might have some inheritance, and now you think you won't, that is something you have to wrestle with.

TL;DR: LOL at someone who thinks she's getting millions to castigate OP for being put off and confused by her parents saying they're giving her nothing. Never change, DCUM.

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this too op. On his deathbed, my father was crying to me (only second time I’d ever seen him cry, first was when my sibling was killed) that he was so sorry that he wanted to leave us remaining siblings each $1m. That was his life’s goal, but cancer took him unexpectedly. Most of my parents money was from my dad’s mother and grandmother, they didn’t save a lot. My mom has about $2m now and has repeatedly told me and my sibling that she plans to spend it all. I don’t really need the money, but it still really hurts. I have kids and I don’t understand this attitude at all.
Each time she brings this up to me, which is a few times a year, I tell her to please enjoy her money but make sure she has enough to take care of herself should she need care. It runs about $200,000 a year as she wants to stay at home. I told her that since I need to save for my children’s college and my own retirement that I will be unable to pitch in with any monetary help.
I find it extremely ironic that her college was paid for by a wealthy aunt, my college and my sibling’s college was paid for by our father’s mother and she wants to leave nothing for her grandkids. It’s sad and if I’m being honest, it has definitely changed the way I think about her and how much I’m willing to sacrifice to see her. Not much.

So how did you snoop around and find out that she has $2 million? Not that you care about the money, of course . . .

Anonymous wrote:My parents aren't like this but my FIL was. Not just inheritance, but almost anything that a parent might do to support or help their adult kids or their grandkids. He'd talk about all their friends and neighbors being "taken advantage of" because they were doing things like paying for grandkids education, moving to be near their kids to help with grandkids, offering money to kids to help start business or buy a home, etc.

In every one of the cases where he felt the parent/grandparent was being taken advantage of, it was pretty clear to the rest of us that they were happy to be able to help their kids and grandkids in this way. In one case, the mom of my DH's best friend from grade school, who at that point was living alone as a widow in their small town, decided to move down to live near DH's friend and his sister to help with kids. My FIL thought this was terrible how these kids were "forcing" her to move nearby to "use" her for childcare. Meanwhile, this sweet woman (who I know fairly well and who came to our wedding and I visit with her ever Christmas) is thrilled to spend so much time with her grandkids, to be living in a suburb of a major city with better healthcare, and to be surrounded by family all the time instead of just on holidays and one week in the summer when her kids would come visit.

He would also complain about his kids "taking all my money" and once told DH that he wouldn't get any inheritance because "you and your wife make too much money to deserve it." He was a bitter, small old man, and now he's dead.

And I bet no one cares.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a boomer thing. Some people will say it's selfish, but I think it's just a resetting of expectations of what it means to age.

When I was a kid, my grandparents were always available to babysit, and pretty much homebodies. Oh, they golfed and played bridge, got dinner with friends, and did the Florida snowbird thing, but they weren't taking big trips, eating out all the time, going to bars, hosting big parties, etc. We spent every NYE with them while my parents went out.

Now, I still stay home on NYE because my parents are still going out and not babysitting 😂 They just live differently , and they seem so much younger than my grandparents did at their age.They eat out, get cocktails, travel, etc. Basically, they're still living, which means they're spending a lot more money in their golden years.

So, unlike my parents, I don't have on-call, free babysitters and I don't expect to see a dime when they pass, but I actually think it's good. They worked hard for years and should enjoy this time. They gave me everything I needed to set myself up for success on my own. Will I ever be filthy rich? No. But I'm comfortable and looking forward to enjoying my own golden years once kids are grown and gone and I (hopefully) have some savings.

Eh, I disagree with you that it's not selfish. Our parents (boomers) expected their parents (Greatest gen.) to be available for babysitting all the time. Now that they are grandparents they won't do what they expected of their parents. It's all about them and their wants.

This. Their parents were so good to them, and they have no interest in paying it forward.

Boomer here. Our parents never babysat, ever. We, in contrast, babysit ALL THE TIME. We have three grandkids, the oldest of whom is about to start middle school, and they literally have never once been cared for other than by their parents or us (and their parents all work).

Just because your parents suck doesn’t mean the entire generation does.

My mom is like this too op. On his deathbed, my father was crying to me (only second time I’d ever seen him cry, first was when my sibling was killed) that he was so sorry that he wanted to leave us remaining siblings each $1m. That was his life’s goal, but cancer took him unexpectedly. Most of my parents money was from my dad’s mother and grandmother, they didn’t save a lot. My mom has about $2m now and has repeatedly told me and my sibling that she plans to spend it all. I don’t really need the money, but it still really hurts. I have kids and I don’t understand this attitude at all.
Each time she brings this up to me, which is a few times a year, I tell her to please enjoy her money but make sure she has enough to take care of herself should she need care. It runs about $200,000 a year as she wants to stay at home. I told her that since I need to save for my children’s college and my own retirement that I will be unable to pitch in with any monetary help.
I find it extremely ironic that her college was paid for by a wealthy aunt, my college and my sibling’s college was paid for by our father’s mother and she wants to leave nothing for her grandkids. It’s sad and if I’m being honest, it has definitely changed the way I think about her and how much I’m willing to sacrifice to see her. Not much.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re in our early 60s and early retired and have a net worth of just over $7 million. We’ve taken very good care of our now adult children - college educations, weddings, down payments all covered, plus literally hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of free and excellent child care (none of our kids have ever had to pay a dime to a nanny, sitter or day care - and that’s enough for them. They’re not chomping at the but waiting for us to croak, and they don’t begrudge us spending however much we want on whatever we want.

If things go well, they should end up with some amount of inheritance, but if they don’t I’m quite sure they’re not gonna trash us on an anonymous website.

Your generation amazes me. It’s never enough. You always want more.

Did you receive a big inheritance from your parents, and are you now proudly telling your kids that you plan to leave them nothing? Because that is OP's situation, not what you have described.

Since you asked, my spouse’s parents did in fact leave my spouse a decent chunk of change, yes. They left just as much to their church and other charities, though, and my spouse and I didn’t b_tch about it. Since it was, after all, THEIR money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a boomer thing. Some people will say it's selfish, but I think it's just a resetting of expectations of what it means to age.

When I was a kid, my grandparents were always available to babysit, and pretty much homebodies. Oh, they golfed and played bridge, got dinner with friends, and did the Florida snowbird thing, but they weren't taking big trips, eating out all the time, going to bars, hosting big parties, etc. We spent every NYE with them while my parents went out.

Now, I still stay home on NYE because my parents are still going out and not babysitting 😂 They just live differently , and they seem so much younger than my grandparents did at their age.They eat out, get cocktails, travel, etc. Basically, they're still living, which means they're spending a lot more money in their golden years.

So, unlike my parents, I don't have on-call, free babysitters and I don't expect to see a dime when they pass, but I actually think it's good. They worked hard for years and should enjoy this time. They gave me everything I needed to set myself up for success on my own. Will I ever be filthy rich? No. But I'm comfortable and looking forward to enjoying my own golden years once kids are grown and gone and I (hopefully) have some savings.

Eh, I disagree with you that it's not selfish. Our parents (boomers) expected their parents (Greatest gen.) to be available for babysitting all the time. Now that they are grandparents they won't do what they expected of their parents. It's all about them and their wants.

This. Their parents were so good to them, and they have no interest in paying it forward.

Anonymous wrote:I'm here for the Boomer-shaming.

That generation can be so incredibly shallow. I don't care what they do with their money and I just hope they save enough that I don't have to pitch in for the nursing home. That would be the biggest gift.

lol and yours is the most shallow and selfish generation in American history.

Anonymous wrote:It's a boomer thing. Some people will say it's selfish, but I think it's just a resetting of expectations of what it means to age.

When I was a kid, my grandparents were always available to babysit, and pretty much homebodies. Oh, they golfed and played bridge, got dinner with friends, and did the Florida snowbird thing, but they weren't taking big trips, eating out all the time, going to bars, hosting big parties, etc. We spent every NYE with them while my parents went out.

Now, I still stay home on NYE because my parents are still going out and not babysitting 😂 They just live differently , and they seem so much younger than my grandparents did at their age.They eat out, get cocktails, travel, etc. Basically, they're still living, which means they're spending a lot more money in their golden years.

So, unlike my parents, I don't have on-call, free babysitters and I don't expect to see a dime when they pass, but I actually think it's good. They worked hard for years and should enjoy this time. They gave me everything I needed to set myself up for success on my own. Will I ever be filthy rich? No. But I'm comfortable and looking forward to enjoying my own golden years once kids are grown and gone and I (hopefully) have some savings.

Eh, I disagree with you that it's not selfish. Our parents (boomers) expected their parents (Greatest gen.) to be available for babysitting all the time. Now that they are grandparents they won't do what they expected of their parents. It's all about them and their wants.

I'm here for the Boomer-shaming.

That generation can be so incredibly shallow. I don't care what they do with their money and I just hope they save enough that I don't have to pitch in for the nursing home. That would be the biggest gift.

Anonymous wrote:The reason we do not want to pass it on to our children is over time we realize that our children are self centered, annoying, fake and entitled. There are a lot of things we keep our mouth shut about, so may be the children do not have any idea, but we are watching them and drawing conclusions about how worthy they are.

Also, most times we do not like the spouse of our children. We find them rude and classless. We do not like how they raise their children either. In short, we see their true colors and how grasping and greedy they are. They have used us for material stuff as well as babysitting but they treat us as annoying and do not show us any respect. We do not expect that they will take care of us when we are very old and we do not think that they deserve anything. We are also aware when you pilfer our funds or cheat us. We have to keep quite but we remember everything.

The people who get the money are the people who do not annoy us. In short, we would rather give it to the govt than give to people we know.

Did your parents do the same?

Agree it is a Boomer Thing.

I don't want your money, just be nicer to DH - inclusive, and don't play favorites. Realize that DH is a grown *ss man, and he has done more than anyone for the family, and he deserves your respect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some people are just self-focused. Assume you and your siblings are all gainfully employed and no extenuating circumstances, your parents probably feel that they've earned it and deserve some indulgence.

It's fine as long as they're responsible about planning for their care so the money doesn't run out.

It is jarring to hear that from them though, b/c the underlying message is that they don't care about the kids that much.

OP here - and this is definitely part of it. My parents have a nice lifestyle, but not excessive in any way. They took us all on a really nice vacation this last year. We have a close relationship and always have. Which is why it's weird to hear my mom talking about "you can't take it with you." I'm wondering if it's more of a defense mechanism type response to thinking about downsizing and going into a continuing care type community.

It’s because it’s NOT your money. Your mom likely knows you have your eyes on her money. Again, it’s not yours. Sometimes when someone senses a person is entitled they react strongly. My 6 year old acts entitled about fancy vacations. It makes me not want to take her anywhere nice.

Stop focusing on OPM. Other people’s money.

Not OP, but you are projecting. OP is not asking her parents for money or asking about an inheritance. That is not the same as a 6 year old asking for fancy vacations.

I get it because my mother did this. My parents had plenty of money earned by dad and inherited by mom. I expected nothing. Mom still went out of her way to keep telling me they would not pay for things I did not ask for. We didn't want a wedding so we eloped. Mom had told me many times she would not pay a dime and I never asked. Then she was embarrassed and demanded she throw us a celebration after we were married. We didn't want it. She did it anyway and tried to shame us for all the money she spent on something we didn't want or ask for.

Mom went out of her way to list all the things she would not pay for over the years and it gets exhausting when again, you never brought it up.

Then as she got older and had the windfall from dad it got really bad and nasty. I never once brought it up, but every.single.conversation was about how "I have money" and I may just leave it to x, y, z or to a charity (she never gave the charities and mocked me for giving) or she will buy herself plastic surgery and mink coats. Whatever.It's gross to keep trying to flaunting the money and making it clear "It's my money and you can't have it." Keep your money and shut up about your money. At least your child is 6 and still learning. A grown up should understand it is rude, classless and disgusting to talk about all your money over and over and keep declaring "mine, mine,mine" when nobody asked. If my kid at age 2 said to another kid "I have a cookie and you don't....mine,mine, mine" I would take the darn cookie away and have a discussion about such rude behavior and I would look for books on kindness, empathy and generosity. If my kid continued to be so disgusting about flaunting what he has and trying to make other people feel jealous I would get help from a therapist to address such disgusting behavior.

Then what is this post about? To me and most readers, she is angry she is not getting money she thinks she should be getting from her parents.

Anonymous wrote:It's a boomer thing. Some people will say it's selfish, but I think it's just a resetting of expectations of what it means to age.

When I was a kid, my grandparents were always available to babysit, and pretty much homebodies. Oh, they golfed and played bridge, got dinner with friends, and did the Florida snowbird thing, but they weren't taking big trips, eating out all the time, going to bars, hosting big parties, etc. We spent every NYE with them while my parents went out.

Now, I still stay home on NYE because my parents are still going out and not babysitting 😂 They just live differently , and they seem so much younger than my grandparents did at their age.They eat out, get cocktails, travel, etc. Basically, they're still living, which means they're spending a lot more money in their golden years.

So, unlike my parents, I don't have on-call, free babysitters and I don't expect to see a dime when they pass, but I actually think it's good. They worked hard for years and should enjoy this time. They gave me everything I needed to set myself up for success on my own. Will I ever be filthy rich? No. But I'm comfortable and looking forward to enjoying my own golden years once kids are grown and gone and I (hopefully) have some savings.

I understand this approach. I find it strange to save and sacrifice your entire life just so you can pass money along to greedy kids like OP. My own mother doesn’t even have cleaners but will be passing me an estate of a few million dollars.

Personally I plan on also spending most of my money. You can’t take it with you and I’m not going to limit vacations and luxuries to pass down money to my kids. I’m not trying to die with the largest bank account.