Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 16:16     Subject: SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

This is not my problem, right? SIL is very chuffed with my DH that we won't take her kids for an entire night. We don't have a strong relationship with them. DH hasn't talked to her in several weeks, we only really see them at holidays and birthdays.


So this was buried at the very end of your post, OP. I read this as, you and DH have already TOLD your SIL you won't take the kids. Is that a correct read? If so, why the concern on your part now? If your DH has already told her clearly that you and he are saying no, there's not a question to answer here other than "This is not my problem, right?" to which my answer is, nope, it's not.

You're going to get a big contingent of "But familyyyy! Cousins! Cousins should be OhSoClose! Take them!" posts here. I don't fall into that camp. You don't need to twist yourself into knots waffling over whether this is or was a problem. Your DH (not you! DH) says, "Sorry, that doesn't work for us" and then sticks to it without explaining. Over-explaining is NOT your friend. If you're not comfortable because you barely know the kids, that is perfectly legit -- and all the "Oh but cousins should be besties!" posts in the world shouldn't change that. Maybe after all this, you can offer to do more with them and their kids all together, and get to know the kids--you say you'd like to. But you are not at all obliged here. DH handles all this, though, not you. I'd just say "That doesn't work for us" and if asked why, I'd only add, "Here's a number for a sitter we use, and she might know other overnight sitters, or maybe BIL's mom is available." and then change the topic.


Op here. You read that correctly. DH has told her no, she’s displeased with him.


Did he initially say yes and then went back on it?
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 16:15     Subject: SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Say yes and enjoy having all the cousins together. While it’s not a now or never for their connection, it’s a great age to begin. You never know what the future holds. Let your husband be primary.

Let the past go and don’t expect reciprocation of cousin overnights/care. This is one where I’d suck it up for your kids and provide the opportunity your in-laws haven’t yet. Ask your husband for some extra study time later if y’all can swing it.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 16:14     Subject: SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

This is not my problem, right? SIL is very chuffed with my DH that we won't take her kids for an entire night. We don't have a strong relationship with them. DH hasn't talked to her in several weeks, we only really see them at holidays and birthdays.


So this was buried at the very end of your post, OP. I read this as, you and DH have already TOLD your SIL you won't take the kids. Is that a correct read? If so, why the concern on your part now? If your DH has already told her clearly that you and he are saying no, there's not a question to answer here other than "This is not my problem, right?" to which my answer is, nope, it's not.

You're going to get a big contingent of "But familyyyy! Cousins! Cousins should be OhSoClose! Take them!" posts here. I don't fall into that camp. You don't need to twist yourself into knots waffling over whether this is or was a problem. Your DH (not you! DH) says, "Sorry, that doesn't work for us" and then sticks to it without explaining. Over-explaining is NOT your friend. If you're not comfortable because you barely know the kids, that is perfectly legit -- and all the "Oh but cousins should be besties!" posts in the world shouldn't change that. Maybe after all this, you can offer to do more with them and their kids all together, and get to know the kids--you say you'd like to. But you are not at all obliged here. DH handles all this, though, not you. I'd just say "That doesn't work for us" and if asked why, I'd only add, "Here's a number for a sitter we use, and she might know other overnight sitters, or maybe BIL's mom is available." and then change the topic.


Op here. You read that correctly. DH has told her no, she’s displeased with him.


So then what exactly brings you here to post? What are you looking for?
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 16:13     Subject: SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

This is not my problem, right? SIL is very chuffed with my DH that we won't take her kids for an entire night. We don't have a strong relationship with them. DH hasn't talked to her in several weeks, we only really see them at holidays and birthdays.


So this was buried at the very end of your post, OP. I read this as, you and DH have already TOLD your SIL you won't take the kids. Is that a correct read? If so, why the concern on your part now? If your DH has already told her clearly that you and he are saying no, there's not a question to answer here other than "This is not my problem, right?" to which my answer is, nope, it's not.

You're going to get a big contingent of "But familyyyy! Cousins! Cousins should be OhSoClose! Take them!" posts here. I don't fall into that camp. You don't need to twist yourself into knots waffling over whether this is or was a problem. Your DH (not you! DH) says, "Sorry, that doesn't work for us" and then sticks to it without explaining. Over-explaining is NOT your friend. If you're not comfortable because you barely know the kids, that is perfectly legit -- and all the "Oh but cousins should be besties!" posts in the world shouldn't change that. Maybe after all this, you can offer to do more with them and their kids all together, and get to know the kids--you say you'd like to. But you are not at all obliged here. DH handles all this, though, not you. I'd just say "That doesn't work for us" and if asked why, I'd only add, "Here's a number for a sitter we use, and she might know other overnight sitters, or maybe BIL's mom is available." and then change the topic.


Op here. You read that correctly. DH has told her no, she’s displeased with him.


And? So? Sometimes family members are displeased with each other for no justifiable reason. Yes, and? Is she going to burn your house down, or bury you alive? Probably not, eh? Maybe move on with your day.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 16:13     Subject: SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

This is not my problem, right? SIL is very chuffed with my DH that we won't take her kids for an entire night. We don't have a strong relationship with them. DH hasn't talked to her in several weeks, we only really see them at holidays and birthdays.


So this was buried at the very end of your post, OP. I read this as, you and DH have already TOLD your SIL you won't take the kids. Is that a correct read? If so, why the concern on your part now? If your DH has already told her clearly that you and he are saying no, there's not a question to answer here other than "This is not my problem, right?" to which my answer is, nope, it's not.

You're going to get a big contingent of "But familyyyy! Cousins! Cousins should be OhSoClose! Take them!" posts here. I don't fall into that camp. You don't need to twist yourself into knots waffling over whether this is or was a problem. Your DH (not you! DH) says, "Sorry, that doesn't work for us" and then sticks to it without explaining. Over-explaining is NOT your friend. If you're not comfortable because you barely know the kids, that is perfectly legit -- and all the "Oh but cousins should be besties!" posts in the world shouldn't change that. Maybe after all this, you can offer to do more with them and their kids all together, and get to know the kids--you say you'd like to. But you are not at all obliged here. DH handles all this, though, not you. I'd just say "That doesn't work for us" and if asked why, I'd only add, "Here's a number for a sitter we use, and she might know other overnight sitters, or maybe BIL's mom is available." and then change the topic.


Op here. You read that correctly. DH has told her no, she’s displeased with him.


Glad he said no. Her displeasure is immature. She didnt' get what she wanted and she's pouting. Don't cave to pouters.

Much later, DH can invite them all for a cookout or invite them all (not just the kids, you are not their sitters) to a fair or kids' event or whatever. If they stay miffed and don't communicate, you will have taken the high road. Don't let it worry you that she's being childish.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 16:12     Subject: Re:SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just have your DH say, 'it doesn't work for us' and put it behind you.

I'm 58 and out of F*&ks to give. I'm so tired of women expecting other women to 'be the bigger person', 'do it for family', 'if you don't do it/want to do it, you clearly hate them'. I'm tired of being expected to put in extra effort, to, once again, suppress my wants/needs to accommodate someone else's. I don't blame OP and her DH for being miffed about this request. It reeks of being used.

Relationships need to be reciprocal and, clearly, this one isn't. So many of you are reading more into it than is there or hoping for an outcome that is unlikely. This isn't about building family relationships. It's about free childcare. If OP and her DH were interested in providing childcare, they'd at least get paid for it.

I get that I'm probably older than most on DCUM and have had more years to experience this, more years to get fed up and be done with it. It took me a long time to feel strong enough to reject the pressure to 'be nice', to conform. Life is too short to invest time in the schemes of users. I suspect the annoyance I hear in OP's posts is a reflection of cognitivie dissonance. She feels pressure to conform but is resentful because she knows she's being used.


Martyred much?

It's one night, not a lifetime commitment.


You sound like a user and someone who wants other women to conform. What does it matter if it's one night or a lifetime committment. OP is being asked to direct her limited resources to people who don't value her, her kid or a relationship. Just because the user has a genetic relationship with her DH and DC makes no difference.

You may chose to direct your energy to this sort of thing but you need to stop expecting/pushing women to make the same choices you have made. The overnight doesn't work for OP. It's too bad she's been conditioned by people like you to feel guilty for not allowing herself to be taken advantage of.


That would be well and good if you were talking about loaning SIL money or a car or helping her with household chores. But we're talking about children who are members of OP's family and who are her child's cousins. The children aren't using anybody. They are kids with alcoholic parents who no one is looking out for.

OP and DH have an obligation to their nieces/nephews. They shouldn't be ignoring what is going on in SIL's family. They should be offering to help the CHILDREN when they can. One night is a small ask. They're not being asked to foster these kids.

You can defend and justify OP's selfishness (and yours!) however you like. But the fact is that you are defending abandoning children to alcoholic parents on the basis that you're too busy to help.

You're monsters.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 16:12     Subject: SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
So all of the "why is this my problem and not DH's, they're not my family, I shouldn't have to do anything for people I don't share DNA with" was completely made up, in your head? Because it's not your problem, they asked your DH and not you, your DH handled it, the kids aren't coming to your house, you're not being asked to do anything at all, and SIL is mad at your DH, not you?

You. Are. Exhausting.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 16:11     Subject: SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Anonymous wrote:The fact that she would even trust you to watch her kids is a compliment.

Saying no is such a huge kick in the face. Mainly to those kids, your kid's cousins.

You are very selfish and mean.

Not wanting to help for all these reasons! It's for the kids!


"It's for the kids!" Nope, it's so SIL and BIL can drink. If drinking and driving is their concern, that means the event is close enough to home that they could get back if they wanted to and were sober. So: SIL and BIL can go, have fun--and not drink. Done. They attend, then come home instead of drinking and overnighting.

Nothing selfish and mean about refusing, if OP's DH is clear and direct and polite about it. A request is NOT an order or a summons, it's an ask. And "no" is always an option.

Read the whole post. This isn't about OP being mean--if she were truly mean she would not be concerned about her SIL's silence and would not be posting here. Oh, as for "a huge kick in the face" "mainly to those kids" -- those kids will have no idea what's going on. Don't make out that this somehow upsets SIL's children. They're oblivious. This is about adults with a sense of entitlement who have never had to hire a sitter, expecting their relatives with a similarly aged kid to want to keep their kids overnight. Big ask. "No" is fine, and adult. Your post? Not so adult.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 16:09     Subject: SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

This is not my problem, right? SIL is very chuffed with my DH that we won't take her kids for an entire night. We don't have a strong relationship with them. DH hasn't talked to her in several weeks, we only really see them at holidays and birthdays.


So this was buried at the very end of your post, OP. I read this as, you and DH have already TOLD your SIL you won't take the kids. Is that a correct read? If so, why the concern on your part now? If your DH has already told her clearly that you and he are saying no, there's not a question to answer here other than "This is not my problem, right?" to which my answer is, nope, it's not.

You're going to get a big contingent of "But familyyyy! Cousins! Cousins should be OhSoClose! Take them!" posts here. I don't fall into that camp. You don't need to twist yourself into knots waffling over whether this is or was a problem. Your DH (not you! DH) says, "Sorry, that doesn't work for us" and then sticks to it without explaining. Over-explaining is NOT your friend. If you're not comfortable because you barely know the kids, that is perfectly legit -- and all the "Oh but cousins should be besties!" posts in the world shouldn't change that. Maybe after all this, you can offer to do more with them and their kids all together, and get to know the kids--you say you'd like to. But you are not at all obliged here. DH handles all this, though, not you. I'd just say "That doesn't work for us" and if asked why, I'd only add, "Here's a number for a sitter we use, and she might know other overnight sitters, or maybe BIL's mom is available." and then change the topic.


Op here. You read that correctly. DH has told her no, she’s displeased with him.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 16:06     Subject: SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Anonymous wrote:

This is not my problem, right? SIL is very chuffed with my DH that we won't take her kids for an entire night. We don't have a strong relationship with them. DH hasn't talked to her in several weeks, we only really see them at holidays and birthdays.


So this was buried at the very end of your post, OP. I read this as, you and DH have already TOLD your SIL you won't take the kids. Is that a correct read? If so, why the concern on your part now? If your DH has already told her clearly that you and he are saying no, there's not a question to answer here other than "This is not my problem, right?" to which my answer is, nope, it's not.

You're going to get a big contingent of "But familyyyy! Cousins! Cousins should be OhSoClose! Take them!" posts here. I don't fall into that camp. You don't need to twist yourself into knots waffling over whether this is or was a problem. Your DH (not you! DH) says, "Sorry, that doesn't work for us" and then sticks to it without explaining. Over-explaining is NOT your friend. If you're not comfortable because you barely know the kids, that is perfectly legit -- and all the "Oh but cousins should be besties!" posts in the world shouldn't change that. Maybe after all this, you can offer to do more with them and their kids all together, and get to know the kids--you say you'd like to. But you are not at all obliged here. DH handles all this, though, not you. I'd just say "That doesn't work for us" and if asked why, I'd only add, "Here's a number for a sitter we use, and she might know other overnight sitters, or maybe BIL's mom is available." and then change the topic.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 16:05     Subject: SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
The fact that she would even trust you to watch her kids is a compliment.

Saying no is such a huge kick in the face. Mainly to those kids, your kid's cousins.

You are very selfish and mean.

Not wanting to help for all these reasons! It's for the kids!
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 16:04     Subject: SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
OP, I think one of the reasons that you're coming off as dramatic/high maintenance/awful is that you are saying you want something (a relationship) but at the same time you are saying (through your explanations and justifications and back story) that you don't actually want that. That's just classic red-flag drama queen toxicity. So I'd suggest that you have two options:

1. If you want what you say you want, be a good aunt altruistically and stop the bean counting and negativity.

or

2. Accept that maybe you don't want that after all and just be a woman who dislikes her SIL and isn't close to that side of the family.

Both are fine. Pick your poison. But stop doing what you're doing.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 16:03     Subject: SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Anonymous wrote:OP has texted SIL in the past about getting all the kids together and SIL didn’t even bother to respond to those texts. That’s rude.


True she should in turn ice her out forever.

Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 16:03     Subject: Re:SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just have your DH say, 'it doesn't work for us' and put it behind you.

I'm 58 and out of F*&ks to give. I'm so tired of women expecting other women to 'be the bigger person', 'do it for family', 'if you don't do it/want to do it, you clearly hate them'. I'm tired of being expected to put in extra effort, to, once again, suppress my wants/needs to accommodate someone else's. I don't blame OP and her DH for being miffed about this request. It reeks of being used.

Relationships need to be reciprocal and, clearly, this one isn't. So many of you are reading more into it than is there or hoping for an outcome that is unlikely. This isn't about building family relationships. It's about free childcare. If OP and her DH were interested in providing childcare, they'd at least get paid for it.

I get that I'm probably older than most on DCUM and have had more years to experience this, more years to get fed up and be done with it. It took me a long time to feel strong enough to reject the pressure to 'be nice', to conform. Life is too short to invest time in the schemes of users. I suspect the annoyance I hear in OP's posts is a reflection of cognitivie dissonance. She feels pressure to conform but is resentful because she knows she's being used.


Martyred much?

It's one night, not a lifetime commitment.


You sound like a user and someone who wants other women to conform. What does it matter if it's one night or a lifetime committment. OP is being asked to direct her limited resources to people who don't value her, her kid or a relationship. Just because the user has a genetic relationship with her DH and DC makes no difference.

You may chose to direct your energy to this sort of thing but you need to stop expecting/pushing women to make the same choices you have made. The overnight doesn't work for OP. It's too bad she's been conditioned by people like you to feel guilty for not allowing herself to be taken advantage of.


You need so much therapy it would be impossible to address everything that is wrong with your post.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 16:02     Subject: SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
OP has texted SIL in the past about getting all the kids together and SIL didn’t even bother to respond to those texts. That’s rude.