Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 14:56     Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
Anonymous wrote:Op, your approach ... your intensity, you really should adjust your thinking


OP here. I know I should, esp after reading all the feedback here. I just don't know how yet.

My husband and I were in line for a boat ride the other day, and I was like, "Wow, how are we so far behind in line, we got here 30 minutes early!"

And he was like, "I think we're pretty far ahead in line."

And we realized that he was looking at the 30-40 ppl behind us in line, and I was looking at the 30-40 people ahead of us. And I was like, wow, this is so emblematic of the difference between how we think.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 14:54     Subject: Re:I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
I’m sorry, OP. My husband isn’t perfect, but he would have seen that I was upset, and we would have left the restaurant, saving the money for something else down the road.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 14:54     Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
There’s a lot of rapid fire sock puppeting going on on this thread.
Is this that troll again who concocts imaginary stuff again, and eggs everyone on?
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 14:52     Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I clicked on this expecting to see that your husband lost his job, or your entire vacation was canceled because of flight issues, or your basement flooded. And the "high stakes" issues you are "devastated" about are that . . . (i) your table at a nice restaurant wasn't up to your standards, and (ii) because you were noticeably pissy about that, your waitress didn't give you top service?

JFC, OP.

The most absurd thing about this post is hat you want your husband to have the same disproportionate, over-the-top reaction to minor setbacks. No way. He's the rational one here - someone in your family need to be stable, and you clearly ain't that person.


OP here. I LOLed at this because all three things have happened to us in the past few years (well, the vacation was canceled due to COVID), and I had no issues dealing with the job loss or our horrible flood or the canceled trip.

I really struggle with the imperfections on "top" experiences much more than with actual problems.


And what are you doing about it? How are you pushing yourself to regulate this disappointment. Not only did you make your evening miserable for your spouse, but then you came here to whine about HIM for not being as miserable as you. Stop being so immature and figure this out. Get to a therapist before you set your kids and marriage up for failure. Everyone will be walking on eggshells around you. That’s no way to live.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 14:52     Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
Anonymous wrote:OP, what would you have done if you had gotten a window-side table and the view was blocked by rain or fog?

As PPs have noted, you can't control everything -- and believe me, I try. I'm learning to roll with the punches, but it isn't easy. Disappointment is my worst emotion.

My DW and I have the same dynamic you have with your DH. I get disappointed and upset, and she gets mad at me for not adapting. It's a vicious cycle and you and I both need to work on it. Because this will happen again.


Like where all the other tables also had rain and fog to look at? Or just her table?

It’s still be a bummer.

I remember leaving Delhi and trekking to Taj Mahal and - guess what no one tells you so you pay up?!?- it’s fogged out half the year. No photos for us. What a joke.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 14:50     Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
Marital counseling; they need a fine tune. Nothing major; both need to improve their communications and caring.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 14:48     Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Reminds me of White Lotus where the husband was pissed he paid for Honeymoon suite and got downgraded.
His wife, who’s new to high end things, didn’t care, didn’t pay, and basically says nothing, escalating him to stick up for them solo and get money back, comped meals, move rooms. It all goes downhill from there….


Except it's not the same thing at all. In yours, they paid for something they didn't get. Op didn't pay extra for a full view, she didnt try to confirm it during reservations, etc. So when she got the partial view it wasn't like she was under the impression she was going to get the full view because the restaurant promised it to her.


Actually it is a good analogy, because everyone paid the same for food and Op got the objectively worst table.

It’s also a good analogy because one spouse doesn’t give a damn and the other school does.

It’s all perspective. If you went out one big vacation and pricey dinner out a year and got screwed you’d have a different perspective than someone on trip 7 and an averages $500 dinners several times a month.

That’s why you show empathy and try to understand someone else’s feelings. You don’t have to agree with the feelings or interpretation but hopefully you can see where they’re coming from and why they’re irked. Especially if you are a spouse or good friend.


DP. I don't remember the last time I had a dinner as expensive as OP is talking about. I'm 100% on the husband's side. It's not about how often you do these things, it's about your attitude towards life. You can choose to be unhappy or you can choose to be happy. If you choose to be unhappy, don't expect me to follow you there.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 14:48     Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
Anonymous wrote:I clicked on this expecting to see that your husband lost his job, or your entire vacation was canceled because of flight issues, or your basement flooded. And the "high stakes" issues you are "devastated" about are that . . . (i) your table at a nice restaurant wasn't up to your standards, and (ii) because you were noticeably pissy about that, your waitress didn't give you top service?

JFC, OP.

The most absurd thing about this post is hat you want your husband to have the same disproportionate, over-the-top reaction to minor setbacks. No way. He's the rational one here - someone in your family need to be stable, and you clearly ain't that person.


OP here. I LOLed at this because all three things have happened to us in the past few years (well, the vacation was canceled due to COVID), and I had no issues dealing with the job loss or our horrible flood or the canceled trip.

I really struggle with the imperfections on "top" experiences much more than with actual problems.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 14:44     Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
Anonymous wrote:We're on a vacation with young kids, and, for just one night, got a babysitter and a reservation at a fancy restaurant famous for its incredible views. The prices were a LOT for us ($45 for the typical app, $60 for the typical entree, I've never ever paid that much). But we decided to splurge for one night and enjoy the views.

When we got to the restaurant, we got seated in the back row with a partial view. We asked for a nicer table, and were told that we didn't book early enough. We booked almost a month in advance, and the website said nothing about some tables not getting the full view.

I understand that shit happens, and there's nothing to be done about it, and it would be unproductive to complain to the staff. But also, I was devastated. Without the view, it was just an overpriced restaurant. Plus our service was really mediocre. I quietly sat there feeling sad, doing my best to rally myself. I would have liked my husband to be annoyed or upset alongside me, so I could feel like we're on the same team.

However, my husband felt like it wasn't that big of a deal and why not just have a great time? He got really annoyed at me for being upset, even though I wasn't rude to him or anyone else, and just quietly tried to deal with my feelings. He said that seeing me upset annoyed him. He said he's tired of me chasing amazing experiences when we could just be happy with normal ones.

I understand things go wrong in life, especially when traveling. I have two young kids, so I have gotten pretty good at rolling with the punches. But when it comes to high-stakes things, and especially when it comes to bad service and people just being mean, I don't know how to just get over it.

I don't know how to not care that the one of the top things I was most looking forward to in the entire vacation, that we only get to do once a year, had gotten messed up. Yes, I wanted it to be amazing and romantic instead of sitting in the back watching 90% of the other couples enjoying the view while our waitress gave us the cold shoulder. I want to have an epic evening once in a while. I don't think it's shallow or wrong - I'm not posting on social media or even bragging to friends, this is something I want for myself.

My husband says if I'm not ready for things to go wrong, we shouldn't book anything super-nice or expensive at all. But that doesn't seem like a great solution either, because I would like to have occasional special experiences. How do I learn to be more like my husband?


Your poor husband.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 14:42     Subject: Re:I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
I say this in a gentle tone, but I'd probably look for a therapist to help you explore why such a minor inconvenience became devastating and ruined your night. The fact your DH was annoyed with you also points to the idea this happens more often. Therapy has really helped me address disproportionate reactions I have had to situations.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 14:41     Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
Op, your approach ... your intensity, you really should adjust your thinking
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 14:36     Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would have gotten up and left restaurant before ordering and posted a negative review on Yelp, etc.
I would have let the manager know I would be doing this before I left.


Thank you for reminding me why I don't read the one star reviews because the people who post them are not someone whose opinion I am usually interested in


And the ridden the @$$ of the hostess for a good view next time you booked a table there.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 14:35     Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Reminds me of White Lotus where the husband was pissed he paid for Honeymoon suite and got downgraded.
His wife, who’s new to high end things, didn’t care, didn’t pay, and basically says nothing, escalating him to stick up for them solo and get money back, comped meals, move rooms. It all goes downhill from there….


Except it's not the same thing at all. In yours, they paid for something they didn't get. Op didn't pay extra for a full view, she didnt try to confirm it during reservations, etc. So when she got the partial view it wasn't like she was under the impression she was going to get the full view because the restaurant promised it to her.


Actually it is a good analogy, because everyone paid the same for food and Op got the objectively worst table.

It’s also a good analogy because one spouse doesn’t give a damn and the other school does.

It’s all perspective. If you went out one big vacation and pricey dinner out a year and got screwed you’d have a different perspective than someone on trip 7 and an averages $500 dinners several times a month.

That’s why you show empathy and try to understand someone else’s feelings. You don’t have to agree with the feelings or interpretation but hopefully you can see where they’re coming from and why they’re irked. Especially if you are a spouse or good friend.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 14:30     Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
OP, and to whoever upthread said DH didn’t need to validate OP’s feelings: the feelings should be validated. It is okay to be disappointed and DH should’ve at least acknowledged the disappointment. BUT if the reaction (whether internalized or externalized) is disproportionate to the situation, then OP needs to recalibrate and not let her disappointment be all-consuming that it ruins the evening, and then spirals ito the secondary emotion of resenting her DH for not invalidating. This sounds like a cycle that they should address together in marriage counseling.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 14:25     Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
Anonymous wrote:I would have gotten up and left restaurant before ordering and posted a negative review on Yelp, etc.
I would have let the manager know I would be doing this before I left.


Thank you for reminding me why I don't read the one star reviews because the people who post them are not someone whose opinion I am usually interested in