Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my case, my DH’s drinks with his married coworker led to her crying on his shoulder about her rough life. Our marriage wasn’t in a good place at the time, he got sucked into her drama, and because she made him feel needed, he became her “savior”. One night, she made a move on him and, you can guess the rest. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have been surprised since we were basically just coparenting at the time, but I did feel blindsided nonetheless. So, I think if your marriage isn’t really healthy, you should be concerned and work on making your relationship better. If you have open communication and a healthy marriage, you probably don’t have anything to worry about.

This is such a gender thing, because I’m just picturing myself stuck in a Chili’s Too during a flight delay with a male coworker demanding emotional support and I can think of absolutely nothing less sexy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, in most circumstances, no. If it was a long-time close friend whom I also know and they were both in the same town momentarily, sure, it makes sense.

Sadly, we had to rebuild our trust after a "friendship" turned into an affair for my husband. Incidentally, during the affair (which was long distance) he was much freer with other women, as well, i.e. not coming home from work on Friday until 7 because he was having social drinks with a woman he wasn't close friends with. I think after he crossed that initial boundary he just blew through it with everyone else too.

I may have been more understanding pre-affair, but now I'd need a pretty good reason for one on one drinks with an affairable person (stating it that way because not all men are only interested in women, not all women are interested in men, etc.).

That said, he has a business partner who is a woman, and they go on business trips together, etc. I know her, I know her husband . . . I feel fine about the situation. You can't live in a bubble and I certainly don't want my husband calling me "Mother" and refusing to engage with women in business, which is misogynistic and problematic. But if you're having drinks at 6 p.m. on Friday with some woman you barely know instead of coming home to your wife and kids, then we have issues regardless.

Long story short . . . I'm OK with "affairable" friendships if they're grand-fathered in (started a long time ago) or happen in a group/couples setting. But one on one and a new friendship, I would be very wary and want there to be a good reason.

Women who use the word usually misogynistic have issues.

Which word?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, in most circumstances, no. If it was a long-time close friend whom I also know and they were both in the same town momentarily, sure, it makes sense.

Sadly, we had to rebuild our trust after a "friendship" turned into an affair for my husband. Incidentally, during the affair (which was long distance) he was much freer with other women, as well, i.e. not coming home from work on Friday until 7 because he was having social drinks with a woman he wasn't close friends with. I think after he crossed that initial boundary he just blew through it with everyone else too.

I may have been more understanding pre-affair, but now I'd need a pretty good reason for one on one drinks with an affairable person (stating it that way because not all men are only interested in women, not all women are interested in men, etc.).

That said, he has a business partner who is a woman, and they go on business trips together, etc. I know her, I know her husband . . . I feel fine about the situation. You can't live in a bubble and I certainly don't want my husband calling me "Mother" and refusing to engage with women in business, which is misogynistic and problematic. But if you're having drinks at 6 p.m. on Friday with some woman you barely know instead of coming home to your wife and kids, then we have issues regardless.

Long story short . . . I'm OK with "affairable" friendships if they're grand-fathered in (started a long time ago) or happen in a group/couples setting. But one on one and a new friendship, I would be very wary and want there to be a good reason.

Women who use the word usually misogynistic have issues.

Anonymous wrote:In my case, my DH’s drinks with his married coworker led to her crying on his shoulder about her rough life. Our marriage wasn’t in a good place at the time, he got sucked into her drama, and because she made him feel needed, he became her “savior”. One night, she made a move on him and, you can guess the rest. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have been surprised since we were basically just coparenting at the time, but I did feel blindsided nonetheless. So, I think if your marriage isn’t really healthy, you should be concerned and work on making your relationship better. If you have open communication and a healthy marriage, you probably don’t have anything to worry about.

Anonymous wrote:Personally, in most circumstances, no. If it was a long-time close friend whom I also know and they were both in the same town momentarily, sure, it makes sense.

Sadly, we had to rebuild our trust after a "friendship" turned into an affair for my husband. Incidentally, during the affair (which was long distance) he was much freer with other women, as well, i.e. not coming home from work on Friday until 7 because he was having social drinks with a woman he wasn't close friends with. I think after he crossed that initial boundary he just blew through it with everyone else too.

I may have been more understanding pre-affair, but now I'd need a pretty good reason for one on one drinks with an affairable person (stating it that way because not all men are only interested in women, not all women are interested in men, etc.).

That said, he has a business partner who is a woman, and they go on business trips together, etc. I know her, I know her husband . . . I feel fine about the situation. You can't live in a bubble and I certainly don't want my husband calling me "Mother" and refusing to engage with women in business, which is misogynistic and problematic. But if you're having drinks at 6 p.m. on Friday with some woman you barely know instead of coming home to your wife and kids, then we have issues regardless.

Long story short . . . I'm OK with "affairable" friendships if they're grand-fathered in (started a long time ago) or happen in a group/couples setting. But one on one and a new friendship, I would be very wary and want there to be a good reason.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Affairs start incrementally.

This is why Pence does not have drinks or dinner alone with one woman.

I was just about to say I am surprised at how many people follow the Pence rule here.

Because it is a safe rule to safeguard your marriage.

A lot of men and women don't set out to have affairs but they start incrementally over time.

This is 100% true. Work talk moves to personal life talk, and a deeper friendship develops. Time with this person is always fun - an escape from the responsibilities of kids and home life. An opportunity arises for more, and voila. BTDT. Never thought it would happen to me, but there are so many variables that you never know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a little different - but I'm a woman who usually travels for work once a quarter, and given my field, most my colleagues are men. I usually meet up with other people travelling from out of town for drinks the night we arrive, and sometimes it's just me and one other male colleague. Nothing remotely sketchy has ever happened, but I guess the premise is a little different. We are taking advantage of travel to catch up in person (otherwise on Teams all day working from home) which is nice to do, and we are already in a different city without family obligations.

I guess I honestly couldn't say that I'd feel the need to set up drinks with one male colleague that I work with onsite just for fun. There's plenty of opportunities to chat at work already. Maybe only if something dysfunctional or weird is happening at work and I needed to vent or get some advice?

I went for dinner and drinks with a friend of the opposite sex after work last week. He’s a former coworker. It was just me and him. We were able to sit across the table from each other and enjoy food and drinks without having sex. It’s pretty common.

People who cheat are going to cheat when an opportunity comes along. They don’t need drinks or a particular coworker to make it happen. They can find the opportunity anywhere.

I wouldn’t give my partner a reason to start hiding things from me by overreacting. If I thought he was cheating or looking for a chance, I’d work on fixing that issue, whether that’s his loose morals, our marriage not being as solid as I like, or my own anxiety causing me to overthink.

Anonymous wrote:This is a little different - but I'm a woman who usually travels for work once a quarter, and given my field, most my colleagues are men. I usually meet up with other people travelling from out of town for drinks the night we arrive, and sometimes it's just me and one other male colleague. Nothing remotely sketchy has ever happened, but I guess the premise is a little different. We are taking advantage of travel to catch up in person (otherwise on Teams all day working from home) which is nice to do, and we are already in a different city without family obligations.

I guess I honestly couldn't say that I'd feel the need to set up drinks with one male colleague that I work with onsite just for fun. There's plenty of opportunities to chat at work already. Maybe only if something dysfunctional or weird is happening at work and I needed to vent or get some advice?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Affairs start incrementally.

This is why Pence does not have drinks or dinner alone with one woman.

I was just about to say I am surprised at how many people follow the Pence rule here.

Because it is a safe rule to safeguard your marriage.

A lot of men and women don't set out to have affairs but they start incrementally over time.

This is 100% true. Work talk moves to personal life talk, and a deeper friendship develops. Time with this person is always fun - an escape from the responsibilities of kids and home life. An opportunity arises for more, and voila. BTDT. Never thought it would happen to me, but there are so many variables that you never know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if she’s married but works for him and is 5-10 years younger?

The colleague could be me. I’ve been married to my wife for several years now. I would have no interest in your husband/my colleague.

Okay, what if she is straight and attractive?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you feel uncomfortable if your spouse went for drinks with a colleague of the opposite sex? Drinks for 2+ hours?

Not if there was fully transparency