Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is kind of like how conservatives call drag queens pedophiles when in fact it’s their Christian preachers that keep getting convicted of diddling children.

OP here. Absolutely. When I saw him at church last weekend, I was like...you are SUCH A HYPOCRITE. Holding your weathered bible. Hurting me by cheating and committing adultery. Getting involved with another woman who ended up getting a divorce "for him." Earnestly listening to the sermon after destroying the very covenant relationship that God ordained. Refusing to repent. I can't tell you how confused, angry, and hurt I feel.

I can never understand people who call themselves Christians, but have nothing but judgement in their hearts and cannot bring themselves to forgiveness, even if the resentment and anger is eating them alive.

Maybe an Old Testament God is more your speed, OP?

I think they are the same god.

Christians believe that, but not everyone is a Christian. OP is more wrathful than turning the other cheek right now. If she’s incapable of seeking to forgive, this might not be the right Abrahamic religion for her. She has two other options.

He needs to ask for forgiveness which he hasn't if he wants it. She doesn't need to seek forgiveness except from God. She can seek forgiveness in her heart to be at peace with something she can't control to release her from anger and move on but she doesn't need to forgive him for something that is still going on that he feels no remorse for. He's not asking for forgiveness nor making amends.

Anonymous wrote:Stop telling OP she is wrong because “Judge not lest ye be judged.” You CAN judge him, OP. He is a hypocrite. Hell, most hypocrites sit in the first pew. I agree with a pp who said your husband (which he still is) is God’s problem. Give it up to “God.”

You are the mother of your children. He does not have the moral righteousness to guide their spirituality. You should be the one guiding them and taking them to church. How old are they? I think you need to take control here. Feel what you feel, and tell him so. He’s playing the civility card to manipulate you. He’s using his so called faith against you. Do not let him! You see right through his bullshît.

Maybe speak to your divorce attorney and amend the agreement with your specific demands. You get to write the narrative going forward. Once you feel more in control it’ll free you from him. Protect your heart, protect your kids, and start dating. Someday you’ll be thankful that you don’t have to face a lifetime dealing with a damaged man. Facilitate a healthy relationship for your kids with their father, but with boundaries! Knock preacher man with his weathered Bible to his knees, and let him know the rules of engagement when it comes to the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is kind of like how conservatives call drag queens pedophiles when in fact it’s their Christian preachers that keep getting convicted of diddling children.

OP here. Absolutely. When I saw him at church last weekend, I was like...you are SUCH A HYPOCRITE. Holding your weathered bible. Hurting me by cheating and committing adultery. Getting involved with another woman who ended up getting a divorce "for him." Earnestly listening to the sermon after destroying the very covenant relationship that God ordained. Refusing to repent. I can't tell you how confused, angry, and hurt I feel.

I can never understand people who call themselves Christians, but have nothing but judgement in their hearts and cannot bring themselves to forgiveness, even if the resentment and anger is eating them alive.

Maybe an Old Testament God is more your speed, OP?

I think they are the same god.

Christians believe that, but not everyone is a Christian. OP is more wrathful than turning the other cheek right now. If she’s incapable of seeking to forgive, this might not be the right Abrahamic religion for her. She has two other options.

Anonymous wrote:This is very true: "Basically he 's just another horny male trying to make excuses for the powerful sex-drive God gave us. I don't get why organized religion doesn't see this. It's the cause of so many problems with the churches these days."

When he left me for her, he didn't say he wanted to build a life with her or share his life with her. He didn't want to marry her or become a stepdad to her children. He just wants to...date her. That's it. He left behind a covenant marriage and the stability we built for our children so he could have sex with another woman and go to concerts and shows. This was all wrapped up in a massive midlife crisis where he was also now obsessed with music and concerts. Not in raising his children, emotionally connecting with his wife, staying committed to his faith. Nope. He discarded all of us due to a raging midlife crisis, focused on music and concerts, and the allure of a new sex partner. I know I should forgive him and you are absolutely right, forgiveness is a basic tenent of our faith. What hurts is the loss, and the cost of the decisions he's made.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The beauty of many Christian religions is that they can be sinners but as long as they accept Jesus as their savior they will go to heaven.

They can lie, cheat, steal, fornicate and be a drug addict.

None of that matters as long as they accept Jesus as their savior they will be saved.

This is exactly why I left Catholicism. Accept Jesus as your savior, sin (because you are human), ask for forgiveness, you are forgiven, sin, ask forgiveness, rinse and repeat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is kind of like how conservatives call drag queens pedophiles when in fact it’s their Christian preachers that keep getting convicted of diddling children.

OP here. Absolutely. When I saw him at church last weekend, I was like...you are SUCH A HYPOCRITE. Holding your weathered bible. Hurting me by cheating and committing adultery. Getting involved with another woman who ended up getting a divorce "for him." Earnestly listening to the sermon after destroying the very covenant relationship that God ordained. Refusing to repent. I can't tell you how confused, angry, and hurt I feel.

I can never understand people who call themselves Christians, but have nothing but judgement in their hearts and cannot bring themselves to forgiveness, even if the resentment and anger is eating them alive.

Maybe an Old Testament God is more your speed, OP?

I think they are the same god.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not religious OP although I was brought up Catholic.

I think what you are experiencing is actually a lot like what a nonreligious person experiences in this situation. You have this massive betrayal happen and the world around you keeps moving while you feel stuck in the moment, and the very passing of time feels enraging. This is just grief. The same thing happens when someone dies. The world just...keeps moving, but you are trapped in that moment, unwilling to let go of a world with that person still in it.

You are grieving your marriage, and that takes a long time and is an unpredictable and volatile road.

I think when you are in a strong faith like you are, there is a belief that the faith protects you, the church protects you. You think you are doing everything right, so everything will work out. But faith or no faith the harsh reality of the world is that bad people are everywhere and bad things happen to everyone. There is nothing that protects us from this. Faith and religion is about what happens when we die, not about protecting us while we live, if it was nothing bad would ever happen to children.

So first I would try to come to terms with the fact that any protection for the life you live here on earth that you thought came from your faith was illusory. And that sucks, but it is important, because you need to gird yourself for any other difficulties that will come from any number of directions in your life.

Then I would, as others have said, either on your own or working with your spouse ensure that you are not going to the same church.

And lastly, it will take time, but you need to reframe how you view his relationship with your children. You want them to be raised in faith. Even if he is a hypocrite, his raising them in faith will make it more likely they actually become adults of faith. If you have one parent bringing them to church and another saying none of it matters that will undermine their overall religious upbringing, something I think you do not want. Additionally, it is better for them to have a healthy relationship with their father. Children are better off having their father in their life, even a mediocre father. Being abandoned by a parent leaves deep deep scars and even if it is unfair that he gets to have them in his life, it is better for them. And truly, as they grow up they will see what happened and come to their own conclusions about his imperfect self. Trust that they will see him for who he is, and you don't need to trash him for that to be the case. Kids know their parents, they see the flaws, but they also know that their parents are a part of them, they are 50% of their dad on a cellular level, and so they cannot think of their dad as fully evil without thinking there is evil in them. So let them see him as a person who is flawed but who loves them and has good qualities, again, FOR THEM, not for him.

You were wronged here, but I hear in your words that you are clinging for an explanation, a reason for why this happened to you, an assurance that he will be punished for hurting you. And at the end of the day that comes down to the simple fact that life is not fair. Bad things happen to good people. Sometimes bad people go unpunished. And we don't know why. And in the end the only person you hurt by being unable to kind of accept this and come to terms with it (and that is not an easy thing to do for anyone I'm certainly not trying to judge you for it), the only person you hurt by not accepting it is yourself.

Keep the serenity prayer close to your heart in this time:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

You cannot change what he's done, you cannot change his relationship with God, you can decide not to be friends with him, you can decide to not sit in a Church that he sits in.

Good luck

Op here. I feel like you are an angel of some sort. I don’t really mean that…but you helped me a lot. You are so right on so many levels. Thank you so much. I mean that.

I am happy my words helped at all <3

A decade ago I lost my brother and stepfather a year apart and it was an absolutely agonizing time for me. The feeling of watching the world turn and feeling like you have suddenly just become a spectator, and an angry one at that, is so hard to work through. Time is the only real solution. When I was in that place, I told myself over and over 'in three years, it will be ok' and set my eyes on that fairly arbitrary date. And when things would feel agonizing or hard I would just think about that date, and think, things would be better by then. And then just tried to keep doing the next right thing as often as I could in the interim. And then eventually that date came and I was right, we had weathered the worst of the storm. You will weather the storm, and may come out quite changed on the other side. Don't forget to have as much faith in yourself as you do in God, you are the one who will pull you and your kids through this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not religious OP although I was brought up Catholic.

I think what you are experiencing is actually a lot like what a nonreligious person experiences in this situation. You have this massive betrayal happen and the world around you keeps moving while you feel stuck in the moment, and the very passing of time feels enraging. This is just grief. The same thing happens when someone dies. The world just...keeps moving, but you are trapped in that moment, unwilling to let go of a world with that person still in it.

You are grieving your marriage, and that takes a long time and is an unpredictable and volatile road.

I think when you are in a strong faith like you are, there is a belief that the faith protects you, the church protects you. You think you are doing everything right, so everything will work out. But faith or no faith the harsh reality of the world is that bad people are everywhere and bad things happen to everyone. There is nothing that protects us from this. Faith and religion is about what happens when we die, not about protecting us while we live, if it was nothing bad would ever happen to children.

So first I would try to come to terms with the fact that any protection for the life you live here on earth that you thought came from your faith was illusory. And that sucks, but it is important, because you need to gird yourself for any other difficulties that will come from any number of directions in your life.

Then I would, as others have said, either on your own or working with your spouse ensure that you are not going to the same church.

And lastly, it will take time, but you need to reframe how you view his relationship with your children. You want them to be raised in faith. Even if he is a hypocrite, his raising them in faith will make it more likely they actually become adults of faith. If you have one parent bringing them to church and another saying none of it matters that will undermine their overall religious upbringing, something I think you do not want. Additionally, it is better for them to have a healthy relationship with their father. Children are better off having their father in their life, even a mediocre father. Being abandoned by a parent leaves deep deep scars and even if it is unfair that he gets to have them in his life, it is better for them. And truly, as they grow up they will see what happened and come to their own conclusions about his imperfect self. Trust that they will see him for who he is, and you don't need to trash him for that to be the case. Kids know their parents, they see the flaws, but they also know that their parents are a part of them, they are 50% of their dad on a cellular level, and so they cannot think of their dad as fully evil without thinking there is evil in them. So let them see him as a person who is flawed but who loves them and has good qualities, again, FOR THEM, not for him.

You were wronged here, but I hear in your words that you are clinging for an explanation, a reason for why this happened to you, an assurance that he will be punished for hurting you. And at the end of the day that comes down to the simple fact that life is not fair. Bad things happen to good people. Sometimes bad people go unpunished. And we don't know why. And in the end the only person you hurt by being unable to kind of accept this and come to terms with it (and that is not an easy thing to do for anyone I'm certainly not trying to judge you for it), the only person you hurt by not accepting it is yourself.

Keep the serenity prayer close to your heart in this time:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

You cannot change what he's done, you cannot change his relationship with God, you can decide not to be friends with him, you can decide to not sit in a Church that he sits in.

Good luck

Op here. I feel like you are an angel of some sort. I don’t really mean that…but you helped me a lot. You are so right on so many levels. Thank you so much. I mean that.

Anonymous wrote:I am not religious OP although I was brought up Catholic.

I think what you are experiencing is actually a lot like what a nonreligious person experiences in this situation. You have this massive betrayal happen and the world around you keeps moving while you feel stuck in the moment, and the very passing of time feels enraging. This is just grief. The same thing happens when someone dies. The world just...keeps moving, but you are trapped in that moment, unwilling to let go of a world with that person still in it.

You are grieving your marriage, and that takes a long time and is an unpredictable and volatile road.

I think when you are in a strong faith like you are, there is a belief that the faith protects you, the church protects you. You think you are doing everything right, so everything will work out. But faith or no faith the harsh reality of the world is that bad people are everywhere and bad things happen to everyone. There is nothing that protects us from this. Faith and religion is about what happens when we die, not about protecting us while we live, if it was nothing bad would ever happen to children.

So first I would try to come to terms with the fact that any protection for the life you live here on earth that you thought came from your faith was illusory. And that sucks, but it is important, because you need to gird yourself for any other difficulties that will come from any number of directions in your life.

Then I would, as others have said, either on your own or working with your spouse ensure that you are not going to the same church.

And lastly, it will take time, but you need to reframe how you view his relationship with your children. You want them to be raised in faith. Even if he is a hypocrite, his raising them in faith will make it more likely they actually become adults of faith. If you have one parent bringing them to church and another saying none of it matters that will undermine their overall religious upbringing, something I think you do not want. Additionally, it is better for them to have a healthy relationship with their father. Children are better off having their father in their life, even a mediocre father. Being abandoned by a parent leaves deep deep scars and even if it is unfair that he gets to have them in his life, it is better for them. And truly, as they grow up they will see what happened and come to their own conclusions about his imperfect self. Trust that they will see him for who he is, and you don't need to trash him for that to be the case. Kids know their parents, they see the flaws, but they also know that their parents are a part of them, they are 50% of their dad on a cellular level, and so they cannot think of their dad as fully evil without thinking there is evil in them. So let them see him as a person who is flawed but who loves them and has good qualities, again, FOR THEM, not for him.

You were wronged here, but I hear in your words that you are clinging for an explanation, a reason for why this happened to you, an assurance that he will be punished for hurting you. And at the end of the day that comes down to the simple fact that life is not fair. Bad things happen to good people. Sometimes bad people go unpunished. And we don't know why. And in the end the only person you hurt by being unable to kind of accept this and come to terms with it (and that is not an easy thing to do for anyone I'm certainly not trying to judge you for it), the only person you hurt by not accepting it is yourself.

Keep the serenity prayer close to your heart in this time:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

You cannot change what he's done, you cannot change his relationship with God, you can decide not to be friends with him, you can decide to not sit in a Church that he sits in.

Good luck